


More than I thought (A SansXReader FanFiction)

by baby_dont_hurt_me



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, Autism Spectrum, Background Character Death, Child Abandonment, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Dark Comedy, Dark Humor, Dark Past, Depression, Divorce, Domestic Violence, F/F, F/M, Family Issues, Fanfiction, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Humor, M/M, Multi, Other, Post-Divorce, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, Reader Is Not Frisk (Undertale), Reader-Insert, Sans (Undertale) Backstory, Sans (Undertale) Being Sans, Sans (Undertale) Being an Asshole, Sans (Undertale) Has Issues, Sans (Undertale) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sans (Undertale) Needs a Hug, Sans (Undertale) Remembers Resets, Sans (Undertale) Swears, Sans (Undertale)/Reader - Freeform, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Undertale Saves and Resets, Undertale Spoilers, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:25:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 37
Words: 118,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22827445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baby_dont_hurt_me/pseuds/baby_dont_hurt_me
Summary: *Positive comments from Wattpad and Tumblr* You are a young adult living with modern society's problems. Anxiety, depression, a shitty job... life was bad, but you really couldn't complain about it- that, until some certain creatures showed up in the world.The monsters of the Underground, soon, become the best people you've ever met. They were understanding, and tried their best to help you as well. Soon enough, you gained the title of "Ambassador of the Monsters".This, however, didn't make your life any easier- in fact, it became a lot more stressful. And you, as well, still had personal problems.Problems at work, at home, with your family, with your mental health, money... it all became overwhelming chaos.But hey, not everything is bad... especially when there is a certain someone that wants to help you out. Who¿d have guessed he'll be more than you thought?
Relationships: Sans (Undertale) & Reader, Sans (Undertale)/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	1. Author Note

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for giving this story a shot... hope you'll like it as much as I like to work on it. Got to say that the chapters include swearing, depression and anxiety mentions, and many other problems involving mental health. If you're sensitive to this, I recommend you to stop reading and, if you need anyone to talk to, you can always reach out to me. Life isn't that bad, it just gets really rough. Thanks for being here!

Hello everyone!

Well, anyway... welcome to my story, "More than I thought"! I'm so glad you decided to give it a shot! I really hope you'll enjoy reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. 

Now, as the title says, this is just your average author note. Mostly, because it will explain some facts that you need to know, so you can actually be prepared for it. Also, 'cause I don't want anyone complaining in future chapters for the way I'm guiding my storyline, even though it sounds selfish. I promise the story isn't that bad, it just has some... particular stuff. 

So, Let's-a-go!

1\. This Sans X Reader will not include many "cliché" things. Since everything (even life) is a huge cliché nowadays, it will be impossible to avoid them all. Although, I'll try my best to actually put away those scenes that always happen in a Sans X Reader. 

2\. This story WILL NOT include AUs. Personally, I don't like stories that include the multiverse thing as the main problem. It's just kind of repetitive.

3\. Gaster will be alive in this story. It would be like the Core thing never happened, you know. Also, Sans and Papyrus are going to have a mother, made by myself. I won't show a drawing of her since I actually suck at drawing anything at all. Her name will be Arial (just like the font, that somehow fits a woman). You must be wondering why am I doing this changes (or maybe not, but that's not the point), and the reason is simple; I want an explanation to Sans's and Papyrus's personality, mostly Sans's. Their relationship will actually affect the story a lot, more than you could possibly think. 

4\. Frisk is a girl at first, but then their pronouns are going to change. I'm sorry if you see the child as a boy or as gender-neutral, but Frisk being a girl at first is kinda important to the storyline and for character development. I truly apologize if you have a problem with this. 

5\. You are a female. I apologize again if you consider yourself as a male or gender-neutral, but I need this to actually keep the story as I want it to be. Again, I'm sorry for any problems I'm causing you with this. 

6\. I don't know if there'll be any smut. I haven't written it before, but I can give it a shot if anyone wants to. However, this will have to do with how the story is accepted in this place.

7\. Updates will be irregular- that's it, that I don't have a schedule telling me when or when I'm not going to upload. I, as many of you, have school. And I always take care of my grades and reach for a 10 (or A+, whatever you call it), so I'm not going to leave my responsibilities aside to write this story. I'll try my best to update frequently, don't worry. I'm not busy all day. 

8\. Last, but not least, it's the grammar. I'm not from USA. I'm not from England. No. I'm actually from Mexico (please don't judge), but I'm a bilingual student. Besides being a Sans fangirl that wants to write their own fantasies, I'm also someone that wants to improve in English. This is one of the reasons I'm writing this in this language, not in Spanish (and yes, there are Hispanic Sans fangirls)

9\. [ONLY FOR OUTSIDE OF WATTPAD READERS] This story was uploaded to Wattpad before I got to meet multiple websites where I can share my work. The story isn't finished yet, and it's mostly a slow burn, so be careful about that. Also, I haven't edited the first chapters yet, so they probably suck, but it really gets better with time, I promise.

And well, that would be all. I hope you keep in touch for future chapters, I'll try to bring them as soon as possible. I already have an idea, so don't worry, k?

Take care, and see ya soon!!!


	2. This is how life is going on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where the main character, you, is introduced. Your life isn't easy, but it'll get better... even sooner than you think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Includes swearing and mature themes. Proceed with precaution.

*Your POV*

I slammed the door behind me, fell to my knees, and closed my eyes. Today was such a shitty day I actually don't want to go back. But I have to. Unless I want to get fired, which actually doesn't sound THAT bad. 

I was greeted by my lonely apartment, being a complete mess in anywhere you look. Thankfully, I live alone, and my friends don't visit me often... well, never. I'm the only who has been in this apartment, besides from the original owner. 

I sighed, tired, and put my black work bag on a small table I have in front of the TV. I went to my bedroom and changed in the best clothes in the world: my pajamas. Then I went to the couch and turn on the news, not paying attention to whatever was there. My mind had other plans for today, it seemed. 

I started to remember when I saw the news on a day like this one, and then there was this unbelievable title: 'Monsters are released from the Underground by a little girl'. Now, that sounds cheap as fuck, but it has been somehow true. A huge diversity of monsters were in the outsides of Mount Ebott, smiling and happily chatting with other humans, who looked like they were going to collapse at any moment. I think a man fainted after seeing a tall skeleton happily greeting him, so I saw it as less serious as I thought at first. 

Two weeks have passed since that day, and almost no one is happy about it. I understand, though. Humans have never been THAT naive to trust in something new that fast. However, the discrimination it's starting to get on my nerves. One thing is not to trust them, and another thing is to shout strong insults towards them. C'mon, we are in the 21st century! We are not fucking caveman!

One way or another, my work partners found out my point of view and started a shitty discussion in the middle of an important meeting. It was irritating, and more the thought that this is probably not the first time it will happen. 

I still don't see why many people it's extremely racist and unbearable. This is getting out of our hands, and more thanks to the government. Yep, the government is being racist, for Pete's sake! They are putting in doubt the capacities of the monsters to live in society, and, therefore, have decided to not give them the same rights. Now that's messed up! But barely anyone is opening their goddamn eyes and doing something!

I groaned, feeling a strong headache that was ready to fuck me up. I feel angry, and I'll probably feel angrier tomorrow. Everything's been such a mess lately. I can't even tell if I'm a human or a machine, working endlessly to please humanity's "needs". 

I swallowed a pill and grabbed a snack bar, remembering that I didn't eat all day. Maybe that's why I was having a headache. Tomorrow not only I have work in the Congress, but also I have college, so I'll probably not eat again. Fuck my life. 

I decided to relax and turn on my Nintendo Switch so I could play Mario Kart a bit. It's been a long time since I ever played that game so it may be interesting. I turn on the random-stage-feature and choose my favorite character. A few minutes after, I realized I haven't lost my touch. I smiled, mostly for myself. 

It's sad how in this game everyone gets along just fine. I mean, in the Mario Kart way. The point is, that nobody is hitting each other with a blue shell 'cause of their differences, but because it is a competition. In the end, it doesn't matter if you are a hero or a villain; if you won, then, congrats! You are the winner! And that's it. If the world could respect that, I think it would be a better place. But that's just my inner innocence, with the slight hope that everyone can be a good person if they just try. 

I was starting to feel depressed, so I just finished the cup and turn off the console. It's been a long day. Dealing with my emotions doesn't look like the best option. 

I looked at the clock and see it's 11 pm. I arrived here at nine, so I haven't been playing that long. Barely half an hour, probably. 

"Welp, time to go to bed and deal with insomnia again!" I enthusiastically said, throwing my arms into the sky in a victorious pose. Sarcasm has always been good for the soul. 

I walked lazily to my bedroom and plopped to my bed, smiling slightly. I don't get to hang out with my bed that much, but it's a great friend. Even if I don't get any sleep, at least I'm comfortably crawling to my death. 

"Jesus Christ..." I muttered, feeling how much my back needed a rest "...I guess I'm getting old, huh? Way to go, (Y/N)"

I chuckled softly, feeling like the scum of the Earth. It's hard to be positive when you are surrounded by a shitton of problems, greedy people, and your stupid mind. But I try my best to sleep at night, hoping that tomorrow I won't be lonely as today...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr - "morethanithoughtofficialblog"  
Wattpad - "baby_dont_hurt_me"


	3. Being the center of attention again, huh?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get involved with the monsters for the first time... and surprisingly, it was at work. The bravery you took to stop being shy got you into a whole new life... and whole new problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Includes swearing and mature themes. Read with precaution.

*Your POV* 

I'm at work now, suffering inside. After having a bunch of classes in college, at least you want to have a minute for yourself. But nooooooooooooo. Here I am, dealing with the looks that everyone is giving me. I hate being the center of attention, and more if it's going to be this way. 

I was standing there at the entrance, not sure where to go. Should I head to my office? Go for a cup of coffee and chat like a normal person? Maybe. Maybe not, considering what happened yesterday. 

Then the looks were focused on a couple of people that just arrived. I was about to thank God and all the saints when I looked for myself who were they. Then my eyes darkened. 

"H-hello, everyone... we don't pretend to bother" a goat man stuttered, feeling noticeably awkward for all the whispers around them. "You can continue doing your responsibilities". 

My heart melted at his sincere smile and sweet tone. I looked at the other person and saw a skeleton with two cracks in his face and a really serious look. 

"Assuming genders, huh?" My mind said teasingly and I silently chuckled. 

The two monsters were now standing in front of the receptionist, with a concerned look on their faces. I was thinking to actually eavesdrop them, but that would be quite unprofessional. 

"Wait a minute..." I whispered, searching for my- 

"Yes!" I mentally shout, holding my headphones fiercely with my left hand. 

I put them on my ears and put a song at the lowest volume I could. That being, none at all. 

"I'm sorry, but our moral politics said that we can't do anything at all." the receptionist said, with a bored look on her face and a monotone voice coming from her red lips. It looked like she has said it a million times already; like if it was memorized. 

"Please, young lady, we beg you." the goat man, which I suddenly remembered that his name was Asgore Dreemurr, said in pleading tone "We have been trying since-"

"A long time ago, I know." she interrupted as heartless as she could possibly be, with a harsh look on her eyes. This doesn't seem right.

"Please, we just want a representative!" the skeleton said, trying his best to not raise his deep voice. Guess he was a man after all, huh? I mentally pat myself in the back and kick my mind's ass. 

"Sir, we can't do that" I want to kick her ass as well "Not only because it's a waste of time, but because no one is willing to defend your race"

"Miss-"

"No. And stop begging, or else I'll call security. This is my final warning"

I stood there frozen, watching them sigh and ready to give up. 

"Do something, (Y/N)" My mind said, without any hint of irony or sarcasm in their voice. 

"Well, thanks anyway" Asgore said with a sad look. Both were turning around. 

"Ok, even if I don't trust myself that much, I know I have the capacity to represent them" I mentally said, trying to find an alternative. "I'm smart enough to deal with this. I'm patient enough. I'm-"

They were almost at the door. Shit! I put my headphones away and got up instantly. 

"I can do it!"I shouted in my mind, then gasped for air. 

"WAIT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, getting glances as a consequence. But at this point, I don't care anymore. 

They stood there with a shocked look on their face while I was approaching them, almost running. Lucky that I didn't fell, considering that I'm not that good walking with high heels. 

"Y-you are Mr. Dreemurr, right?" I said, suddenly feeling insecure. What am I supposed to tell him?! 

"Oh yes, young one" he smiled slightly, still doubting what my intentions were. "I'm Asgore Dreemurr, previous King of the Monsters. This man at my left is W.D. Gaster, my royal scientist" 

My smile grew more hearing about science. They are smarter than everyone thinks, I can feel it!

"Well, it's a pleasure!" I shook his hand, earning a small smile from the serious skeleton. I wanted to smile like an idiot, but my survival instincts didn't let me. "Anyways, I heard that you are looking for a representative. It's that true?"

"Yes, we are, ma'am." the skeleton politely talked, with a hint of doubt in his voice.

Their doubt almost makes me chuckle since it was quite noticeable. I stood correctly and spoke bravely. Anxiety? What's that?

"Very well then. I do have a proposal for you. I want to help you in any way I can and get you into society. You have rational thinking and feelings just like us, therefore, you deserve the same opportunities and the same rights."

"You are willing to help us?!" Asgore almost shouted, clearly excited. 

"What are you expecting to get in return?" W.D. Gaster said cautiously. 

"Simple. I want to build a better society and perspective of the world. I don't see why we need to be so reluctant and arrogant towards different people. 'Cause, after all, we all have different lives. It's impossible to agree on everything. But one thing's for sure; all lives should be respected just as they are, and we just can't put others apart because of our selfishness" 

Their smiles widened, and mine did as well. Even if it sounded cliché or a child's dream, it hasn't been released yet. And a newfound determination was telling me that I should be the one to finally make a move. 

"Perfecto! When should we meet?" Asgore happily asked. 

I stood there for a brief moment and look for my possibilities mentally. Tomorrow I don't have school. Therefore, my options are huge. But I can't do it that late, can I? It may affect my regular work schedule. 

"Tomorrow at 7 am sounds good?" I asked carefully, feeling ashamed for myself. It was the best for me, yes, but it was probably too early for them. 

"It's actually really good" Gaster muttered, contradicting my thoughts. 

They both shook my hands, indicating that they agreed with my crappy schedule. I sighed in relief. 

"Thank you so much, Miss..."

"(Y/N). My name's (Y/N) (L/N)"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr - "morethanithoughtofficialblog"  
Wattpad - "baby_dont_hurt_me"


	4. They deserve to be heard too... well, some of them.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet the rest of the monsters, and they are pretty... interesting, to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Includes swearing and mature themes.

*Your POV*

After agreeing with Mr. Dreemur and W.D. Gaster, my work partners just watched them go, then they stared at me. Those looks, the hate in their eyes, and their whispers made me uncomfortable. When I'll be able to do something without being criticized.

But at that moment, I didn't care. I nervously laughed, then went to my office to take care of some business, that including the cleaning. It's not as bad as my apartment, but it's not the cleanest place in the world either. And that's how it went; cleaning and typing. Lots of fun, of course.

I arrived at my apartment and... I don't remember clearly what I did. Probably the basic. Or well, maybe not the basic, since I bet I didn't sleep that much.

'Cause after that nap I was eating fucking cereal at 5 am, not to say I was already showered.

"Stupid brain" I muttered, feeling tired yet excited. Today marks the day I sold my soul for the monsters and to show humanity that these creatures aren't freaks. Well, I'm not sure. I haven't met enough, after all.

After eating, I put some makeup in my i-want-to-die-but-not-yet face. Just a bit, since society asks for it. I really hoped it wasn't like this but, hey, I can't change everything! Besides, a lot of girls like makeup, so I feel obligated to at least look "presentable" in that aspect.

And then, my day started. At 5:15 am. Just great.

Since I'm just a young person who's still dealing with college, my money it's not enough to actually buy a car. But hey, I have a bike. And public transport. And that's what I picked.

The underground subway was somehow a quiet place, mostly because everyone's still craving for their beds. I strongly relate to these people, if I'm honest. Everyone's minding their own business, too tired to talk or to make a strong scene.

I silently put my headphones for a bit, listening to those classics of rock. Yeah. This is pretty much my life. Hell, even my ringtone is a rock song, that being "Sweet Child O' Mine" from Guns N' Roses. I was thinking to change it into something more... professional. Then I remembered that nobody should give a damn, so I shrugged it off.

A whole playlist was enough to make the trip more bearable, trying to not lose my adulthood on those legendary guitar solos or in Bon Jovi's wonderful voice. Those little yet powerful details on each song reminded me why I still had faith in this world. And the sign indicating my destination brought me back to reality. I sighed.

I walked a short distance and finally arrived at that living hell called the Congress. Being part of this greedy government it's completely out of my standards, but now, I wasn't regretting it at all.

I took a seat in the non-workers area, looking like I was a mad teenager coming to reclaim her rights. Except, that I was looking pretty calm and patient. I checked quickly my phone and see it was 6:10 am. Oh well. At least I can play Mario Run for a bit; it has been ages since I did.

While a simple yet pretty loading picture showed up on my screen, my mind only had one thought: "What if they decide not to show up?"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Frisk's POV* (lol)

I was giving my hair the final touches when I heard Goat Mom shouting my name. I rushed down the stairs and met with everyone- well, almost everyone...

"SANS! WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE IF YOU DON'T COME!" Papyrus screamed in a horrified voice, looking at the clock for the thousandth time.

"gimme a sec bro, k?" Sans answered lazily, not even making an effort to raise his voice.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID TEN MINUTES AGO!" Papyrus cried, again, looking at the clock.

And then Sans teleported, wearing the same freaking clothes.

"Are you serious?!" Undyne exclaimed, visibly angry for such a waste of time, then we all rolled our eyes when he just winked and shrugged it off.

"Now that we all are ready, let's go!" I exclaimed enthusiastically, carrying Flowey's pot while I tried to forget that episode with Sans "We are still in good time! We have exactly... HOLY COW! FIVE MINUTES?!"

"welp, shit" Sans muttered like it wasn't his fault, getting some glances from his brother. 

"Let's run, then!" Undyne cried out, carrying Alphys and starting to run.

I ran after her, Papyrus with Sans in his shoulders following me. Hell, even Mettaton was running like crazy. We can't miss this opportunity; this is our only chance!

We ran between students and boring workers, most of them with a hint of hate in their eyes. However, there wasn't any time to feel intimidated. God. If humans weren't so inconsiderate, we could have just teleported thanks to Gaster's powers. But nope. They are not allowed to use any freaking magic.

Well, I shouldn't be thinking like this. I need to be positive for everyone's sake. But still, I feel confused. Is this what hormones do? But wait, they only act like this when you are- oh. I'm twelve years old. I somehow forgot.

We ran and ran until we arrived. "Congress", the sign read. The building had an old look, but it seems it was purposefully done that way. The place itself looked pretty boring, so I just secretly prayed to don't fall asleep.

The door was slammed open, and people's stares gave us an uncomfortable welcoming. Sans climbed down of Papyrus's shoulders, realizing how bad it looked.

"*About time you take things seriously" I signed to him, with a teasing smile on his face. He looked like he was about to give me the middle finger until a young lady approached us, with a kind smile on her face.

"Hello," she said sweetly, making me relax for a bit. "My name's (Y/N) (L/N), and I'll be the one helping you through this".

Oh, so she's (Y/N)? I never thought she would be THAT young. She's really pretty, I must say. Bright (e/c) eyes that match perfectly with her skin tone. (h/c) hair not too long neither too short. She was tall, yes, but not a giant. She looked really fine. I wish I look like that at my twenties.

"Hello, Miss (L/N)" My mom intervened my thoughts, bringing me back to reality. "I'm really pleased about your kind behavior. I just hope we won't bother you that much..."

"Nonsense!" she exclaimed with a cheery tone, trying to put any awkwardness aside "I am more than open to receiving all of you in my office. Just follow me, we'll discuss everything more privately upstairs".

She guided us to a place where two elevators remained. Since we were too many people, we had to divide into two groups. Lucky thing there were elevators in the Underground, so this wasn't anything new to anyone.

When she made sure everyone was on the fourth floor (asking us how many we were), she started to guide us through the hallway. Everyone was mumbling while looking at their surroundings, staring at some paintings of famous politicians. Well, I don't think they are that famous. I've only heard of them thanks to my history books and those cringy contests on TV. Like, knowing who was the president at 1895 doesn't make you the smartest kid in class. You are just a freak who talks too much with an old man, mostly being your grandfather.

Suddenly she stopped, then opened a door with the number '486' on it.

"You can come in now" She sighed sheepishly. Wonder why. "Let me know if there aren't enough seats".

The room was quite huge, actually. She had at least ten chairs in front of a dark chocolate desk, that had an intimidating and elegant seat behind it. That must be hers, that's for sure. She had a plaque with her name on top of her desk, a small glass with pens, and a Lenovo laptop. Strangely, she had no photos of her family.

It turns out we had enough seats for everyone, but we all couldn't be in front, so we ended up doing two rows. It looked like a really small cinema. One problem, though, was that Asgore couldn't fit comfortably on his seat.

"Is there a problem, Mr. Dreemurr?" (Y/N) asked worried, watching the embarrassing scene of Asgore shifting into multiple positions. Oh God, why me? Before he or anyone could answer though, she went for her fancy chair and started to move it.

"Oh, Miss (L/N), you don't need to-" He was cut off by the impotent seat in front of him, with a slightly panting girl a few inches away.

"You can seat here, Mr. Dreemurr" She smiled widely, probably 'cause of the King's shocked face. And yes, I just remembered I should think of him as the King. Then, (Y/N) took the other chair. "I'll sit on here, don't worry".

After making that move and putting the big chair in the center, she finally took a seat. She looked insecure for a brief moment but smiled anyway. That kind of reminds me of someone...

"Now that we are all settled up, I guess we can start" She stated. And with that, our talk began...

...

It was less boring than I thought. Yes, she asked us a lot of how life was in the Underground, but none of us seemed to mind. What we mind, though, was Sans's stupid puns which, surprisingly, made her giggle quietly. He seemed to notice this, so he kept them going. It's not like I don't like puns, but this was just too much. (Y/N) didn't seem to bother at any moment, though.

But, hey, everyone felt comfortable. She made some comments now and then, most of them full of irony and sarcasm. It was fun and for a moment we forgot about our problems. It just felt like meeting an old friend again, but that's impossible. I mean, I hadn't met her before, so... yeah.

But, as soon as the conversation started, it ended as well. Everyone shook hands with her, including me.

"*Are we going to see you tomorrow?*" I asked in signs, not thinking at all.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

"*Are we going to see you tomorrow?*" Frisk signed with a smile that immediately made me feel shivers down my spine. That's not something I see often, that's for sure. Frisk looked at me worried, though. Guess I did some expression that wasn't supposed to be there.

"...sure thing, Frisk," I said, way quieter than I wanted it to be. Quick, change your tone (Y/N)! "We have a lot of work to do, after all!"

She let out a sigh of relief, along with other few. It was a nice feeling. Knowing that they wanted to see me again made me ridiculously happy. And I didn't put it away.

We were already out of the elevator, on the main floor. The sun was setting, painting beautiful colors in the sky, like always. The thing is, monsters couldn't say that before. Heck, some even didn't get the chance to look at this. Whole generations, I bet.

"Miss (L/N), is it okay if we have your number?" Mr. Dreemurr asked, and smiled wider once he probably saw my shocked face. It just caught me so off of guard I didn't have the words. A short skeleton just smirked at my reaction, then I could finally talk.

"S-sure thing!" I exclaimed, which made the skeleton laugh. Just great, I'm being shamed by a skeleton shorter than I am. Way to go, (Y/N).

I reached for my presentation card, and with hesitation, I wrote down my personal number on the back. Wow, it's been ages since I've done that.

"Here it's my business number, and in the back, you can find... m-my personal number" I reluctantly said, knowing it sounded really weird. Why I wrote it down, again?

I looked away slightly, only to notice that skeleton smiling again. Oh no. I swear to God if he says anything weird, I'm going to-

"kinky" he chuckled, containing laughter. I want to kill myself so bad right now.

"SANS, WHAT'S KINKY?!" A taller skeleton asked, and I mentally cringed. And I quickly took note of that name, since it's familiar as fu- oh wait.

"Sans? Like, Comic Sans?" I asked bluntly, forgetting the whole other topic.

"oh, so now catching my name?" he joked with a wink, making me feel worse. "nah, just kidding. but, yeah, that's my name. it's 'catchy', isn't it?"

I sighed, while he just chuckled- again. This Sans guy is making me look bad. And Asgore just watched this whole scene. Great.

"Great! We can add you to our group chat, sweetie!" Mettaton (who I learned their name in the middle of the 'celebrity topic' conversation) winked. What's with the winks today? I feel like they are kink-shaming me (which it's probably what this guy and that skeleton are doing).

"And we'll just call you with the business number if it's something more serious" Mrs. Dreemurr added, obviously unaware of Mettaton's intentions. I gulped. I just hope he doesn't spam me with lewd stuff or something like that. Already happened at high school, and honestly, I feel like an immature teenager again.

Then they all gave their quick goodbyes. Some shooked my hands. Some hugged me. Some smiled. And others even cried.

"Thank you so much for giving us hope." A female (judging by her voice) skeleton said, sobbing quietly on my shoulder. I froze in shock, but I eventually returned the hug.

"It's no problem, believe me" I muttered softly, while a soft smile made its way to my face. "After all, you deserve to be heard too".


	5. A slight hint of hope.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of your friends and some expensive coffee try the best to cheer you up... but it doesn't really work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Includes swearing and mature themes.

*Your POV* 

I found myself writing down a letter to the president, technically begging him to let monsters be truly free. Again. I was starting to ask myself why even try. Again. This the seventeenth letter I've written to him, and yet, he won't listen. 

Then I told myself that I shouldn't be thinking like this. That a lot of monsters had their hope on me, therefore, I should try harder. 

I smiled, knowing that this was my inner dialogue every single day. And yet, I still have it, no matter what I'm doing. This is one of the few things that amaze me these days. 

It's been a while since I have met them. Maybe a month or two; maybe even more. Ever since then, we've been talking for hours in my office every single day. I kinda like it. It gives me the feeling that I'm not alone in the world. 

But then again, they'll probably leave once this is over. Or maybe not. Who knows?

They all have been awfully nice to me. Nicely than a lot of humans have ever been. This is one of the thousand reasons I keep writing to the president. 

Maaaaaybe I should return to my cheery self. I'm being quite serious, haven't I?

No one can blame, though. I hate to admit it, but this issue is worrying me more than I expected. At first, the case was interesting, yes, but now it's kinda overwhelming, knowing that I'm dealing with a weak point; discrimination. 

I just hope I don't end up like Rosa Parks after this. But that's just me being stubborn. Again. 

Before my mind could get more depressive, though, I heard someone knock the door. I mentally groaned, with the feeling that I was gonna get a shitty opinion for the trillionth time. 

"Come in"

"Wow, that's for sure the sourest answer you've given me, sweetie. That's quite the record!"

A smile crept into my face. I recognize that voice anywhere!

She slammed the fricking door open like it was some sort of drama movie (which it's exactly what her life is) and posed dramatically. She was wearing sunglasses (even if it was cloudy outside), a fancy-yet-casual blouse, and some skinny jeans. Not to mention the usual high heels that make her bigger than a fucking tree. Oh, how not to miss her?

"Hello, beautiful!" She exclaimed before kissing my cheek on a french-greeting style "You look EXHAUSTED! But, hey, at least you are wearing makeup. Now THAT'S progress!"

"Mailey, I've been wearing makeup daily ever since I got this job"

"Wait..." she paused slightly, then let out a fake gasp. "YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WEARING IT VOLUNTARILY?!"

I giggled way louder than I wanted to, but I didn't mind. Mailey's has always managed to put me in such a good mood, all thanks to her cocky attitude. I haven't seen her for months, so I just really missed her. But I probably said that already. Oh well. 

"Oh, (Y/N) darling!" She clapped her hands together in such a girly and unnatural way I almost lose it "Let's go to a café! I don't want to chat in such a sad and old place!"

"Uh, eh... you know what? A break would be great" I hesitantly answered, thinking that I just could clear my mind for a while. I actually haven't done that since I was a preteen, soooo... yeah... 

"Wonderful! Let's get going! Just one thing... we will go to Starbucks!"

"Seriously?"

"You know I don't like Dunkin' Donuts, sweetheart. I don't tolerate that bitter taste you normally choose"

"And you know I don't tolerate that overwhelming sweetness you choose every time"

She took a pause and put down briefly her sunglasses, staring at me in fake shock. Oh, I know how much she hates Dunkin' Donuts, but Starbucks simply sucks!

"Well, I'll be the one paying, so I think it's fair" she teasingly added with a huge, goofy grin on her face. 

Shit, she got me. 

...

Oh well.

"Hmm. Guess you won this time, huh?" I answered, throwing my arms in defeat. She made a victory pose, and I silently giggled. I shouldn't be feeling this lonely since monsters visited today, right?

Well, guess what.

They didn't.

But I'm not complaining since I'm the one who told them not to come for today, arguing that they should take a break from leaving and coming. Some of them didn't think twice and accepted, which made me feel kinda bad. How stubborn have I been to actually keep them coming so often without a chance to take a breath?

...and that's why I also needed a break. Because I was about to become a fucking mess. Leave the tears for the night, (Y/N). 

And so I left. Good thing I was doing extra hours, or else, I would have been crying after some time being all alone. 

Sometimes I wonder if I can call myself a proper 20 years old adult. I mean, I'm quite mature at some things, but in others, I almost feel like I'm a 5 years old brat. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Frisk's POV*

It feels kinda weird not meeting (Y/N) today. Sure, I was getting exhausted of the daily routine, but know... I feel like something's missing. And that something is (Y/N). 

We actually haven't been doing much in this little house, since we are really crowded in here. Yes, it has two floors, but we are more than 10 people, and it's starting to get on my nerves. Not even the orphanage felt this crowded. 

But, hey, at least I'm with my friends and family and not with some random kids pushing each other. I think this is pretty much ok, I guess. 

Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door. Excited, I quickly ran to get it, and a smile flashed on my face. Emily, the daughter of the kind owners, has come for her weekly visit. Even Sans seemed eager to receive her, noticing his white pinpricks turn brighter. 

She's 10 years old, so her voice is quite soft and pretty. I think she's on her school's choir and musical group, which it's totally cool. She has golden, twirly hair that gets not too long below her shoulders, and tends to wear a lot of dresses. 

We were friends in the orphanage, so I know a thing or two more than the monsters do. 

"Hi, kind creatures!" she chirped happily, making all of us grin wider. We returned the greeting quickly, which just made her giggle.

"I brought some gifts for you!" she added, clearly excited. I couldn't help myself, so I ended up drawing a small smile upon my lips. I'm always happy with her. She's just too kind and innocent, like the cinnamon roll Papyrus. I really missed her when I went on my trip to the Underground. 

We all gathered in a circle, and watch with awe the food she brought us. 

"Finally something new!" Undyne exclaimed with joy, hugging the little girl. 

She also brought action figures for Papyrus, some clothes for all of us, some beautiful earrings to Toriel, and a book for Sans. Oh, so that's why he was eager, huh? I just remembered that she gives Sans a book every week, which he normally ends in the night after her visit. Then he just keeps rereading it until Emily comes again. It's fun to see him stress over a single book, though. One day he almost broke down when he found out that it was an open ending. Or, how he calls them, a 'fuck-the-reader's-mind-and-soul' ending.

"thanks, kid" he muttered, trying to hide his excitement and failing miserably. I smirked quietly, and he shrugged it off with a shy smile. I don't get this guy; but that's fine, I guess.

She decided to stay with us for the night, clearly feeling bored at her house. I understand, though. When you live on an orphanage you are never lonely, but if they suddenly adopt you with no other kids, it feels weird. 

And so, we ended up planning the perfect game for a sleepover: pillow fighting. I was teaming up with Flowey (I forced him to play) and Emily. The other team was formed by Papyrus, Undyne, and Sans... who was just lazily resting on a pillow. And, naturally, Papyrus groaned when he noticed. 

"BROTHER! GET UP, YOU LAZYBONES, AND HELP US BUILD A FORT! I DON'T PRETEND TO LOSE ONLY FOR YOUR LAZINESS!"

"sorry, bro. guess my laziness-"

"SANS"

"-rattled your bones"

"SAAAAAAAAAAAANS!!!!!!"

When I was about to protest, Asgore's cellphone started to ring. 

And before he took it, I saw the ID caller...

And it was (Y/N)

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

I was listening to Mailey's plans for the future. Apparently, her boyfriend has an apartment in San Diego, and she wants to go with him. She says that her future is better in there and blah blah blah. I certainly don't think that's the reason she wants to go, but hey, I can't judge.

I slowly took a sip from my coffee, being the bitterest I could find. And, somehow, it was still sweet. Goddamnit. 

If Mailey goes away, then... my life will be pretty much the same, actually. Yes, I will miss her, but we are not best friends and we didn't see each other frequently in the past. Still, I will have fewer people to casually tell my secrets and some of my problems. Now I have less than half of the friends I had in high school. Great. 

But, well, she has changed. A lot. Yes, she still makes me laugh with her self-security, but it's not the same. She has lost that... simpleness she had. Now she posts on Instagram every day, she wants to be an influencer, and hell, she even put herself some pink strips on her blonde hair. Maybe I miss seeing that dorky part of her. She's just, well... different. I shouldn't be thinking like that, but it's true. 

I was about to hide my face so Mailey couldn't take a picture of me when I received a call. Wow, no one can have a break these days, right?

The number wasn't part of my contacts, which was weird, but I decided to answer anyways. Not for being a good person, but as an excuse to calm Mailey the fuck down. 

"Hello, this is (Y/N) (L/N). How can I help you?"

"Hello, (Y/N)... may I have a word with you?" a rough and familiar voice answered, which immediately put me nervous. Who is this guy?

"...I'm sorry sir, but could you specify who are you? We may have talked before, but I just can't remem-"

"Of course we have talked, miss (Y/N)" he interrupted, and I silently gulped "Actually, you wanted to discuss something with me, isn't that right?"

No way-

"I'm the president, miss (L/N). You have caught my interest with your detailed arguments, saying that monsters deserve a chance to grow in society. Or did I just called the wrong person?"

I stood there in shock for a few seconds, then made my way out of Starbucks to hear better. Keep your cool, (Y/N), and everything will be alright. 

"You are totally right, Mr. President. I'm the one who sent those letters."

"Great. Now, let's discuss a few things, ok?"

"Of course sir". 

I listened carefully, searching for any hints of hatred or irony on his voice. Instead, I just heard interest in the way he mentioned my reasons on those letters. 

Eventually, we gave each other a quick-yet-formal goodbye, and I immediately called Asgore. 

This is serious business. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Asgore's POV*

My mind was thinking the worst when I saw (Y/N)'s ID on my phone. I saw that others were worried, too. Could this be the end? Are we going back to the Underground, after all those years of waiting?

I picked up reluctantly, watching the expectant reaction of my wi- Toriel, the expectant reaction of Toriel. 

"Oh, hello (Y/N)!" I exclaimed, trying to keep my hopes high enough for everyone. "How has been your day?"

"It's been fine, thank you. How has been yours?" She bluntly answered, sounding like she was... distant. 

Let's just hope it isn't what I'm thinking.

"It's been good, (Y/N). Anyways, how can I help you, young one?"

She didn't answer immediately. Actually, she remained still for a long time. The only thing I could hear was her breathing, and my positive smile was turning into a nervous one. 

"Asgore, we have something we need to discuss"

And my smile dropped.


	6. Was there any point in trying?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have hope, but some certain skeleton doesn't... and kind of messes up with his feelings and anyone else's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Includes swearing and mature themes.

*Toriel's POV*

I put on the best dress I could find and perfumed myself with a gift that Lauren gave me. She has been too nice since we arrived on the Surface. I think I should give her a present!

...once all of this is over. 

(Y/N) said yesterday that everything was fine and that the president only wanted to discuss the terms of our freedom. Let's just hope that is true. 

Therefore, Asgore and I will attend a meeting with the president and, of course, (Y/N). She's been such a sweetheart with us, always supportive and encouraging. I would love to have her as a friend; she is just wonderful!

I was about to leave the house when I felt my daughter's hand tugging my sleeve. 

"Mom, why can't we go?"

I felt how my heart slowly sank, knowing that my child wants to know everything about this. Such a caring, loving girl. She'll be a great woman.

"Oh, my dear, (Y/N) said that only Asgore and I should go. But worry not! You have your friends here to entertain yourself!"

"But, mom... they're as worried as I am"

I looked into the living room and realized that Frisk was right. Sans's smile was fading slowly, Arial's expression was as concerned as her first day on her new job, Undyne was probably waiting for an explanation, and so on. Even Papyrus seemed a little bit shaky for all of this. 

"I promise that everything is going to be ok, my child. Now be a good girl, and behave yourself in front of Richard and Lauren"

"Yes, mom..." She pouted, seeing there was no point in complaining with her mother. I sighed and left the house, Asgore nervously waiting for me. Oh dear...

"Sha-shall we go, To-tori?"

"Don't 'Tori' me, Asgore"

"M-my apologies..."

And then we started our uncomfortable way to our meeting, trying our best to not break down. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

Suit? Yep. 

Makeup? Yep. 

Tie? Yep. 

Perfume? Please don't put more of that thing. 

I nervously sighed and looked at my watch, then at myself. Did I put little effort or too much on my outfit? Do I have enough makeup? Is it exaggerated? Should I have put my hair up in a bun instead of keeping it down? Should I have left my glasses at home?

My mind's been teasing me way too much ever since Mailey left the café, minutes after I ended my call with Asgore. I'm probably going to fuck up all my effort. 

Why am I even tryi-

"Hello, Miss (L/N)" a tall and recognized man greeted, a neutral look on his face. I snapped immediately back to reality and extended my hand. 

"Good morning, Mr. President" I answered, keeping my cool "Please take a seat. The rulers of the Underground should be here in a few minutes"

"Wonderful. Do you have tea, by any chance?" 

What?

"...sure! Which type do you like?"

"Goldenflower tea would be excellent- if you have, of course"

Oh, so now his questioning me?! What a jerk!

"Uh, yes I do, sir. It's one of the King's favorites, actually"

"Really? Hmm. Now I want to meet him more..."

I put the teapot over a small table I had and started to make the tea. I don't think I'm that bad making it, so maybe I have a chance. And just when I was serving him a cup in silence, a knock was heard on the door. 

Good thing I have more teacups. 

"Come in!"

Mr. and Mrs. Dreemurr entered softly in the room, immediately greeting the man. Of course he goes first, right? Eh, I shouldn't be thinking this way. 'Cause, after all, they indeed greeted me with a bigger smile. 

I smiled to myself and grabbed two cups of tea on the main desk, then I returned for the other two. 

And just like that, we started. 

This is going to be a long day. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV* (oh boy)

This is gonna be a long day

The kid's been way more annoying than ever, poking everyone with desperation and trying to find the perfect game to entertain us. What a wimp.

Everyone's nervous, yes, but we have to hold on. Honestly, though, I already gave up hope. We are definitely going back to the Underground. It was just a matter of time. Oh well, the Surface was... something while it lasted. 

I should text (Y/N) a message and thank her for giving us a slight spark of hope. Besides, from one of the few kind humans that tried to help us. She really shouldn't have wasted her time on us. We were a lost cause since the very beginning. 

And now, it will hurt more. Because we had a chance to feel the sun and to see the stars, but that will be just a memory from now on. It hurts. It really does. 

I just wished I could have really enjoyed my time here so far. Because I probably didn't. Mostly because I got to be with my parents way more than I did before in my whole life. 

Paps has tried his best to keep me happy, but it's just not that easy, y' know? We have our history together, and it's not the best. Especially with my father, Gaster, and how perfect he wants me to be. 

But I'm Sans. A fucked up young skeleton that feels old. A comedian for everyone, an asshole for myself. 

Arial, my mother, was washing dishes over and over, hoping nobody noticed. But I bet everyone did. I guess that's her way to deal with anxiety, huh? She's probably inexperienced with this feeling. How... fortunate. 

I, myself, have dealt with this since I was a kid. Therefore, while everyone was trying to distract themselves, I was just laying on the couch with a lazy grin. I'm just that experienced. 

I must admit I'm not that relaxed, though. Ever since Toriel and Asgore explained what was going on, I wasn't able to focus on my reading. And it's a science fiction book, so it's really weird. It's eating me up 'cause, well, the kid could reset again. 

And I'm not letting it happen...

again.

I groaned, feeling useless than usual. I've been promising myself that I won't let it happen again; ever since Flowey, even, 'cause he had that ability before the kid came. 

Those two little freaks have ruined my life. Well, them and my parents. But that's another story. 

Alphys started to think negatively, just like me. The difference was that she did it out loud. 

"Alphys! Don't think that way!" Frisk exclaimed, visibly angry.

"Hey! You just don't shout at MY girlfriend!" Undyne roared, angrier than Frisk "If you want to discuss something, THEN SAY IT TO ME FIRST!"

Aaaaaaand the fight began... shit.

Paps, being the kind monster he is, intervened on the fight between his friends. Alphys tried to calm Undyne, while Frisk just kept being a sassy prick. 

Oh kid, if only Tori knew. 

Flowey groaned at first but ended up supporting Frisk, just because she was about to punch Alphys. Arial grew worried and tried her best to keep Papyrus out of it.

But she couldn't. It doesn't surprise me one bit.

Gaster just silently watched. I bet he is mentally smirking at this point. 

That fucking jerk. 

Mettaton walked away from it some two good miles, avoiding any bruise that would affect his disgusting reputation. Napstablook... he just cried in silence. He is such a huge mood. I wonder if he knows that. 

Then Undyne pushed Paps hard. Like, REALLY hard. 

And no one, and I mean no one, touches my FUCKING BROTHER. 

"hey! watch your goddamn moves!" I shouted, losing my cool completely. Way to go, Sans. 

"Make me" She dared, with a stupid smile on her face. Oh, it's on. 

...

I ended up having a fist fight with Undyne, throwing her on the floor and punching her face like if my life depended on it. 

I just couldn't think straight. My mind went blank, and my left eye switched between blue and yellow. Again. 

Arial tried to pull me away, and again, she failed. I glanced at Gaster briefly and saw a hint of hate on his face. Disappointment, anger, and shame. Ashamed of his own son. Oh, I hate this guy so much, I could do the same to him as I did to Undyne...

...

And I did. 

I balanced towards him, shouting things like "stop looking at me like that!" or "what's your fucking problem?!". Undyne wasn't unconscious nor near of being, and that just made me angrier. I wanted to grab Papyrus, burn the house, then continue with my life. 

Then I saw something I didn't want to- or well, someone...

Emily. Emily was still there, watching in horror. 

Shit. 

I suddenly stopped, realizing my mistake. Everyone had a hint of surprise and horror on their faces. Everyone, except Frisk and Flowey. 

They have seen me like this before. 

And now, everyone has. 

Now they know something I didn't want them to know. 

I fucked up. 

"emily, kid... i'm sorry" I muttered, feeling like a mess. "thank you for everything, by the way. it was great while it lasted".

Then, before I could hear her response, I teleported to my room, that wasn't even my own. 

And I broke down. 

I just fucked up way more than I thought. 

No one will think of me as the same.

Not even Paps. 

My life is ruined. 

I would beg for a reset, but the kid and the weed would remember anyway. 

They're gonna make my life fucking hell. 

I continued crying and laughing, knowing that now no one out there would help me. 

That, after all, I hadn't had any hope left. 

And it hurts. 

It really does. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

We ended up with a shake of hands, and when the president left the room, we three hugged happily. 

We did it. 

It was actually quite easier than I thought. I must thank all those people who fought racism and discrimination back in the past. Without them, this wouldn't have happened. 

We reasoned peacefully with him, and he promised he would let all the country know the news: Monsters have now legal rights. 

Maybe people won't accept them easily, but hey, they're legal citizens now! I was so happy I could have cried. 

...

And I did. 

And they did, too. 

We were just that happy we could finally get rid of this. 

However, they needed an ambassador: someone who could represent them.

Therefore...

"(Y/N), dear, I think you should be our ambassador!" Mrs. Dreemurr happily exclaimed between sobs, and I just froze. 

Ambassador? C'mon (Y/N), you know you can't do it! Besid-

"Yes, young one! You deserve it!" Asgore added, letting more tears down his fluffy fur. 

Wait, do they really want me to be the one? To have this honor? ME?!?!

"I, uh..."

I couldn't think straightly. My mind went blank, my vision blurrier, and my heart sank. And, without thinking, I finally agreed. 

"I'll be your ambassador. I, (Y/N) (L/N), will represent you all!"

And with that, we hugged again, making me the happiest girl on the Earth.

It feels good...

It really does.


	7. Welp, it surprisingly succeeded.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of you see that life isn't that cruel... or well, that's what you think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [It's still not angst don't worry]

*Toriel's POV*

I haven't felt this happy in such a long time. (Y/N), a sweet and wonderful young lady, has made our wildest dreams come true. Now she's our ambassador, and she'll continue fighting for us. She is just that wonderful! I couldn't be more grateful!

Asgore and I started to walk back to the house, talking happily about our plans for the future. Such a happy event even made me forget all my problems with my husband. It's just a miracle!

However, when we arrived... the mood completely changed. The owner's daughter looked like she was about to cry, the owners themselves looked uncomfortable, and everyone else was silent. 

And Sans was missing.

"Oh my... what happened in here?" I asked, calm as I could. 

"Mrs. Dreemurr..." Surprisingly, Emily was the one who answered. I didn't interrupt her, indicating she could continue. And she shyly did. "They had a fight. Alphys started to speak negatively, and Frisk shouted at her. Then, Undyne intervened and fight back. Papyrus tried to help, though, but he failed, receiving a hard push from Undyne..."

I was surprised, especially by my daughter's behavior. Just when I was about to open my mouth, Emily continued. 

"...then Sans lose it. He screamed to Undyne, then he punched her. Then, for some reason, he punched Dr. Gaster as well..." She started to weep, and I was in shock. 

I never saw Sans hitting someone. And even less his own father. Do I know my friend as I thought I did?

I was about to scold my child when I was interrupted. Emily gasped for air, the continued. 

"Sans apologized. I know he didn't mean it. He was just angry that Papy got hurt..." she took a pause to stand straightly, and then spoke with more security. "He thanked me for everything, saying that it was good while it lasted. Then he teleported, and... he cried."

I saw how everyone's reaction was the same as mine's: shocked eyes full of guilt. I felt guilty of thinking less of him from hitting his father, but know that I remember, Gaster has never been the best with his sons. He may have done something. 

Also, to hear that my favorite comedian was crying, I couldn't just take it easy. 

But, instead of guilt, I saw something else on Papyrus's pupils...

And then I realized it was fear. 

"SANS! WHERE ARE YOU?!" he shouted while he rushed upstairs, worry taking over him. This shocked us even more. Because yes, you may worry if a close one is crying, but there's nothing to be afraid of.

Unless...

No. It can't be. 

Sans is just too cheerful for that- it couldn't possibly be. 

A few minutes after, for everyone's surprise, Sans walked downstairs. He immediately went to the couch, something he normally does. But I noticed something besides he was lazy...

He was tired. 

Really tired. 

"My friend- Sans" I spoke, more worryingly than I thought I would "Are you feeling better?"

"yes, tori. don't worry 'bout me, k?"

I sighed in relief, noting he used his usual expressions. That's the Sans I know. 

Before I could answer, Asgore decided to say the news. I would have disagreed, but I realized this could lighten the mood a bit more. 

"Listen up, everyone..." he made his way through the center, all eyes on him. I smiled "We made it"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

I walked downstairs with Papyrus at my side, feeling like the scum of the Earth. Then I realized that the kings have arrived. 

I'm not ready to hear the truth. 

I immediately went to the couch so I could feel safer. This was my plan: whenever they finally spit it out, I would hide on the couch so I can't hear everyone's sobs. My hoodie would also help. 

This plan always worked on my house- why it wouldn't in here?

I suddenly feel tired. 

Like, really tired. 

Oh boy. 

"My friend- Sans" Tori said worryingly, making me turn towards her. "Are you feeling better?"

How did she-shit. They told her. 

Don't let her know more, Sans. 

"yes, tori. don't worry 'bout me, k?"

She sighed in relief, making me relaxed. She won't ask anymore. And I'll be safe...

for now. 

Suddenly, the king made his way to the center, catching everyone's attention. Tori smiled, and I frowned. 

What?

"Listen, everyone..." he firmly said, making me suspicious. "We made it"

...

WHAT THE-

If I had a drink, I would have surely spit it out by now.

We all stared in shock until Paps broke the silence.

"OH MY GOD! SANS! WE DID IT!!!!!" he exclaimed happily, while he held me in the air. Then the realization hit everyone and they started to celebrate. Even Emily and her parents. 

"OH YESSSS BABYYYY!" Mettaton shouted excitedly, stretching his legs 'glamorously'. Ew. 

Everyone was clapping and jumping, shouting and forgetting the fight we had. Even Gaster was smiling, for God's sake!

But who...

Wait, did (Y/N)... Oh lord, God bless her. 

And at that moment, I swear, I was happy. Truly happy. 

The impossible turned out to be possible. Then, by any chance, maybe I will be happy in the future. Maybe I will change. Maybe. 

But now the 'maybe' doesn't seem too far. 

Now I'm filled with HOPE. 

Since it was dark outside and we were tired, we didn't make a party. I mean, for today. 

So we all went to sleep. And with all, I mean everyone. 

Even me. 

Not before calling (Y/N) in the bathroom, of course... the guys are just too annoying if, well, a boy talks with a girl their age. And she's probably on her twenties, so... yeah. 

I dialed her number and had an anxiety attack on the bathtub. What was I even supposed to tell her?! I'm such a fucking idiot.

"Hello?" she answered kindly, and a little bit startled I think. "This is (Y/N) (L/N). How can I help you?"

Oh, she doesn't have my ID? I would feel offended, but hey, I'm a freak. Not even I would save my ID. 

"uh, eh... hi (y/n). it's me, eh, sans. y' know, sans the-"

"Oh! Hi Sans!" she interrupted me, with a slight new hint of confidence in her voice. "I'm sorry, I didn't look at the ID when I picked up the cellphone. The sound startled me so much I just immediately answered. I apologize..."

Oh, so she does have my ID? Weird.

"Anyways, is there something you want to tell me, Sans?"

Oh, right. I almost forgot why I was calling her. I mentally facepalmed myself, then almost slammed my head on the bathtub before reconsidering it. I decided not to do it, though. Last time it happened it hurt like fucking hell. 

"i, uh... just wanted to thank you for everything, kid" Kid? Dude, what the- "i mean, (y/n). the kings just gave us the good news and... i thought i should thank you for all your effort and disposition. no one else had the courage to do it, so... yeah... thank you"

There was an odd silence after that. 

Oh lord, did I just screwed up?

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

Sans was thanking me for what I did...

Sans. 

Sans. 

I stood there in shock, unsure of what I should tell him. I've never seen this side of him. He normally just jokes around me and kink-shames way more than anyone else has ever done. And now, he is sincerely thanking me for everything. 

...

Wow. 

Is this a plan of Papyrus? 

"I, uh... it's really nothing Sans. I did my best, and I'm glad it turned out well"

"i heard that you are our ambassador now. is that true?" 

Oh shit, he's right. I'm the ambassador, therefore, I might see this dude again...

...

Just don't say anything stupid. 

"Oh yes! That's true! I'll be helping you guys more in the future. Especially for... discriminatory causes" I let out a sigh, not wanting to scare him. But, again, he is most likely an adult. He needs to know, sooner or later. And the sooner, the better. "You see, we humans may be quite... egocentric. Most of humanity does things for their own benefit, without caring about the others. And some people may try to hurt you, just because you are different. Not in rights nor in feelings, Sans. Just in looks... and in souls I suppose"

"yeah... we may be different than you guys..." He took a long pause, and I was trying to think of something to say, but it would be rude to interrupt him... again. After a few moments, though, he spoke:

"that doesn't mean we can't be friends, right? eh, i mean, you are pretty cool, and my brother would love to see you again, so... yeah. i know you're different than them, which is why they have criticized you, but still... we are different species. would you be ok with being friends with different people?"

"Of course I'll be okay with it, Sans! Monster or human, a friend is still a friend!"

Wait, did he just said something about me being criticized? There's no way he could have known...

"But what do you mean about me being criticized, Sans?"

"i'm not stupid, (y/n). i recognize disapproval looks anywhere. i may have listened to some comments as well..."

Of course, that sneaky skeleton. 

"and that's why i'm mostly asking you, anyway. are you sure you want to keep up with this crap?"

Am I? People have been looking at me quite different these days. I lost touch with some work partners, even. But...

How am I supposed to give up a friendship? And more, if it is with Papyrus? He's just really sweet and charming, one of the best people I've ever met. Even if he may be a kid, he is just wonderful. If the price I need to pay is to get all those looks forever, then I'll pay for it. I have gained worse things, anyway. 

"I'm sure, Sans. It's not like I haven't endured worse things. I can take it. And, besides, it will be worth it"

"...ok. just be careful, tho. there's a dangerous world outside"

"You don't say"


	8. As useless as a broken mirror.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when you started to feel better, a horrible pain started to weigh on your shoulders... that led you to do the stupidest thing ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Includes medication mentions and also depressive thoughts.

*Your POV*

Talking with someone yesterday was good, I guess. I normally talk about work topics only, so it feels weird to have a casual conversation about... anything. And it was weirder, considering Sans was the one talking. 

It would be today, though, the day where we would see each other again in order to discuss... more terms. They all deserve to know and I also need a few papers for them in order to get them into society. I just need the basics, though- report cards, previous jobs on the Underground, and I will put them some tests in order to see which educational level fits better each of them. But that will be later. 

So there I was, waking up and trying to french kiss the morning as Bon Jovi does. And failing miserably, just as always. 

I tried my best to keep a smile on my face. It didn't work out, either. I groaned loudly, realizing that it was four in the morning. So yeah, I just can't french kiss the morning when it isn't morning, you know. And so I felt stupid and went back to sleep...

...

Except I didn't.

No matter how many positions I tried or how many different pillows I took, I just couldn't get my head together. I was thinking about everything and, at the same time, about nothing at all. I felt numb yet desperate to be a normal person and fall sleep immediately, considering how freaking tired I actually was. 

I sat on my bed silently and put on the lights. Bad idea, but I still do it every night like this. 

I frowned remarkably and stood there until my eyes got accustomed to the light. And then I started to question what the hell was I doing, as usual. 

I looked at my annoying digital clock again: 4:11 am.

Great, guess I'll stay like this until the day officially starts... or until I pass out, that is. 

Maybe a good drink would have been great to forget it all. Then I remembered that I had work and that, besides, I don't drink. I groaned again.

I felt like crying, like screaming or like to go outside and let a fucking weirdo kill me or make me disappear forever...

That's the worst idea I've ever had. 

I wanted to punch something; maybe a mirror, maybe that elegant flower vase with a dead daisy on it, or the TV. All of those were great options, honestly. But I wasn't up to clean the mess or to deal with angry neighbors, so I didn't move.

I shoot a glance at one of my bureaus, that only had an old book on its top. Maybe I could read. I tried to stretch my hand and get it, but I ended up falling out of the bed, making my head hurt like hell. Ouch. Maybe I couldn't, after all. 

I, unsurprisingly, groaned again. If I had a cent for every time I have groaned in my life, I could probably have a car instead of taking that goddamn subway. Or I could get a house. Or a life...

Nah. That's way too expensive. 

I eventually got up and stared at my drawer. Then, without thinking, I opened it. My heart sank when it did. 

Medicines here, medicines there. Medicines FUCKING EVERYWHERE! There was barely any space left for even a fricking pill. This is not the first time I have seen this, though, but it still hurts to see how pathetic I am. This is just a small proof. There's more, that's for sure. 

I stood there silently, anxiety consuming me over. I could even make a fucking drug store out of this drawer...

Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. 

I shook my head, resisting the urge to be sarcastic to myself... again. 

But, yes, I had such a huge variety I could make a store out of it. Do you have anxiety? Well, Zoloft for you, that is! Are you depressed like me? Well here, took a Prozac pill! Come here and get your problems away...

And contribute to mine. 

Oh my god, just end my suffering. 

Thanks to my wonderful boss and work partners (including college and the monsters' case, of course), I forgot that I had emotional problems as well. And that means that I haven't been following my treatment. For months. 

Shit.

Then I started to wonder when I had to see my psychiatrist again. I probably missed the date he gave me. Just wonderful, right? 

I sighed and closed the drawer, feeling worse than before. I went to the bathroom to see my wound but there wasn't anything there. Thank God. 

I ended up looking at my face, slightly frowning. People have said that I'm pretty, yes, but I think that's just out of sympathy. Therefore, I haven't been comfortable with my looks since... a long time ago. 

My (e/c) eyes looked paler than when I was a kiddo. Ah, childhood. It was wonderful in its own way. No problems, no low self-esteem, no nothing. Just laughs and friends, videogames and nights playing Dungeons and Dragons with my dorky dad and my aunt. Those were good days. 

I remember that I received a lot of comments, telling me that I would have a brilliant future. Hard to believe in that now, looking at what was happening. 

I work in the Congress and I am finishing my studies to finally become a biochemist. Being a scientist has been my dream, and I'm just a few steps before I can call myself "Dr. (Y/N)". And I'm just twenty. 

When I was little, my dad took me to a neurologist in order to see my IQ. She said, in a few words, that I was super smart and super talented. I believed it but never used it as an excuse to think of me better than anyone else. Right then, I thought everyone had talents and intelligence. Now... I'm seriously doubting all those encouraging words were true. Because, even if I was a nerd, that never meant my future would be brighter. 

A lot of my school partners and friends are being way happier than I am, having a perfect balance between emotions, college, and work. Me, who 'has it all' to become an important person, somehow has three mental breakdowns (at least) in one day, and it's struggling between having or not new friends, afraid of screwing up. 

Is this what my parents would have wanted? For me to be a coward?

Well, surprise surprise. Your daughter is such a disappointment of a kid. 

I'm a genius. That's what experts told me. They also said that this high IQ thingy may include problems socializing and, well, even mental illnesses. To be honest, I prefer being normal and not having these things than being a Leonardo Da Vinci and die internally every five seconds. 

Then I noticed a warm feeling on my cheeks. 

Oh crap. 

I snapped back to reality and saw myself in front of the mirror, crying as if my life depended on it. Well, it kinda does, but that's not the point. 

I tried to wipe them as quickly as possible, trying to banish that feeling instantly. But instead, I cried harder. And harder. And I felt more miserable than before, if that was possible. 

My legs felt like jello and my eyes turned all red and puffy. My mouth was shaking, trying to transform itself into a smile. Why was I crying, again? Oh yeah, because I hate myself so much. I look awful, I'm just full of myself, lonely, and easily replaceable. There's nothing I can do about it. 

I will finish my dream career, but all for what? To be more stressed? I don't know if I can quit at the Congress since I kind of accepted to be the ambassador of the monsters. Wow. I should have left someone more capable than I am to do the job. Now I'm going to disappoint them as well, whenever they see how weak I am. I mean, I'm crying while I'm looking at myself in the night... again. This is isn't new. But it just feels worst every time. 

I gasped for air, almost forgetting how to breathe thanks to all that crying. I blinked a couple of times and took long breaths until I calmed down. When my vision wasn't blurry anymore, I saw my face again. All red and uglier than before. I looked like a baby losing its toy, like a child whining, or like a teenager who has an impossible crush. 

I frowned, knowing I wasn't any of them. I was an adult, for God's sake. 

Can this get more frustrating?

Can I be more pathetic?

I closed my fist and punched the mirror until my fingers went numb and my blood painted my whole hand...

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Frisk's POV* 

I woke up later than usual, rubbing my eyes at the incoming sunlight. I groaned at the clock, seeing it was 10 am. But deep down I knew that Toriel would come for me, and so I got up. 

I took a quick shower and put into more presentable clothes. I colocated a cute ribbon on my brown hair, feeling quite silly yet pretty. I stared at the mirror and saw my look with satisfaction. I was looking great! I even made some silly faces and giggled a little before coming out, interrupted by an angry skeleton who wanted to take a shower. 

"kid, just fucking get out of there! what're you doin'? takin' a trip to narnia?"

"Sans, behave yourself!!!"

"...sorry ari-mom..."

I contained my laughter, knowing that Sans would be really angry if he heard me, and I walked out of the bathroom. Just a second passed before a quick flash of white ran into the room and locked the door. Oh, Sans, since when are you this desperate to take a shower?

The ones who hadn't showered groaned impatiently. I would have too since Sans lasts a long time in the shower. One time I swear I heard him singing a popular rock song (so popular I don't remember its name) and then eventually creating a song of how much he loved ketchup...

...I must admit I feel worried about his future...

Eh... let's just hope for the best.

After a bunch of complainings towards him and more people showering, we could finally take breakfast together. Thank God they were pancakes, or else Undyne or Papyrus would be trying to find out the best egg combination (which, according to them, hasn't been found yet). At first, it is fun to hear their crazy ideas, but then it turns into a competition that I get somehow dragged into it. Most of the times voluntarily, though. 

However, I was too excited to let all my energy be drowned into an egg fight. Today we will be seeing (Y/N) again, and honestly, I was looking for it! She's nice, and I've been waiting to be friends with her all this time. So now that everything was, well, settled, this was my chance!

We all ate rather quickly and head out of the house. However, Asgore stopped us before we could go running to... anywhere, actually. 

"Let's wait here a moment, ok?" he smiled eagerly, making me suspicious.

So we waited there for five minutes or so until a simple-looking taxi made its way towards the house. Then a 5'5 feet tall woman got out of there, who I recognized immediately.

"(Y/N)!!!!!" Papyrus screamed unearthly loud, hugging (Y/N) immediately. She looked a little bit startled by such a sudden move but hugged back shortly after him. 

"Hello, Papyrus. Is good to see you again...!" she tried her best to sound enthusiastic, but she felt somehow... different. Why, though?

"Oh, (Y/N) sweetie, I'm so glad you could make it!" Goat mom added with a smile, which (Y/N) returned it kindly. Maybe I was just imagining things, after all "But, hey, come in! We want you to see where we have been living all this time!"

Sans looked a bit tense but quickly relaxed. He must have forgotten for a second that Papyrus was his roommate. Therefore, there was NO WAY his room could be dirty. Since when he cares about that, though? 

And so we gave (Y/N) a small tour through the small house. She behaved as always; shy, anxious, not wanting to intrude or sound rude, making small compliments and comments in amusement. She was just super nice! I think she's one of my favorite humans. 

After making her laugh a bit and answer some of her own doubts about the Underground, we all headed off to the Congress, talking about the simplest of topics. 

"Oh! I remember hearing a song called 'Imagine' one day!" I told (Y/N), keeping up with the musical topic (at Sans's petition). 

"You have? Well, I mean... which artist are you talking about?"

"I think it was Marshmello"

"...then no, I haven't heard that one"

"Is there other song called 'Imagine'?" Alphys asked, curious about our conversation. 

"well, there's john lennon's, y' know..." Sans added, smiling lazily. 

(Y/N) seemed perplexed for a second, then smiled widely. 

"Yep, John Lennon's 'Imagine' is my kind of... 'Imagine', you know"

Throughout all the way we all were talking about music. (Y/N) turns out to be a Rock N' Roll and Indie listener, similar to Sans's taste. She is kind of a music nerd, actually. She would give a casual comment of something history-related to music. I think Sans felt like he was on his own mind, opening up strangely. Then I realized he was just another music nerd, and that both of them were never given the chance to talk about this with others so freely. 

However, I noticed an unusual expression on Sans's face. Not a good one, I must say. He wasn't suspicious or anything- by any chance, I think he was worried...

but of what?

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV* 

It feels good to have someone to talk about these things. I mean, someone that at least can say who Slash is. 

While I was talking to (Y/N), however, I noticed a wound on her right fist. Not to be rude, but she is a bit taller than I am, and I didn't want to look at a... private part of her body. Therefore, I ended up noticing a serious-looking injury on her fingers. 

Should I ask?

I saw how happy she looked, talking about when she started to hear Rock N' Roll and watch concerts on TV.

Eh, I'll do it later...

Still, my mind wandered about that topic the rest of the road. And so, I didn't talk anymore, focusing on other things. Well, can you blame me? That looked like some serious shit happened. 

When we arrived at the Congress, I noticed different looks from her work partners. I recognized one of the feelings on their looks: shame. They probably felt ashamed after hearing that we succeed. My smile grew wider, at least a bit, after thinking that. 

We discussed a few things in her office like it was any day. Except it wasn't. 

The human president made a public announcement on TV, radio, and social media, saying that monsters would be finally released and be accepted as legal citizens. Despite everything, I felt a bit uneasy. He might have been nice, but the others are clearly not like him. I just don't want to put Papy's security on risk. 

We ended up leaving sooner than I thought, and for the first time in our lives, we used public transport. We received some glances, but in between, there were also kind smiles. Just like (Y/N)'s, just less dorky...

Did I just call the ambassador a dork?

I mentally groaned and took a sit, never erasing my apparently permanent smile. I felt like I was forgetting something, so I made a quick rewind on my head. But what would I have forgo- oh. 

Oh. 

You forgot to ask her, you idiot.


	9. I'm a simple human, nothing more than that.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sadness and awareness hit you and Sans... and also some weird questions.

*Your POV*

I had to go to the doctor to see if my injury wasn't anything serious. 

Turns out it was. 

He had to put twenty-five stitches on my fingers. Obviously not twenty-five on each of them, of course not. They were twenty-five in total...

Wow, you are such an idiot. Who the fuck punches a mirror?! You'll probably feel worse than before...

And that was true. 

The doctor recommended me to avoid any activities involving my fingers. That practically is avoiding any activity at all. But I, being the stubborn woman I am, won't listen to this suggestion he made, although it sounded more like an order. Still, I can't quit my job just because I did something stupid. 

So I arrived at my messy apartment, angrier with myself than before. I felt like trash. But, after seeing the pleased and happy faces of all those people, I feel like I can't give up. So I'll continue living...

For now, of course. 

I changed into my pajamas and sat on the couch. I surely don't want to go to my room yet, remembering what happened yesterday. Or today. Whatever. 

When I was scrolling through the channels my phone buzzed, and I took it without hesitation. I watched TV a bit before checking the notification but I got bored and decided to see it. 

Sans: hey

Sans: can i ask u something???

~

Well, that was new. Sans had never messaged me before; or well, at least not in private. After all, he did say a few jokes and puns to me especially, but only in the chat group with everyone else. 

You: Go ahead

~

I silently prayed for it to don't be something related to my past or my backstory. It's really complicated and hurtful to explain; maybe it wouldn't make me cry, but it would definitely make me uncomfortable. 

Please, not about me. Please, not about me. Please, not about me. Please, not about me. Please, not about me. Please, not about me. Please, not about me. Please, not about me. 

Please, not about me-

Sans: i noticed an injury on ur right fingers today

Sans: wanted to make sure what happened

~

...phew.

Still, I couldn't just tell this guy that I punched a freaking mirror. He would probably block me and stare at my soul whenever we would meet. And it was for a fact that I will see him more, so...

You: Oh, about that...

You: It was an accident

~

Wow, that didn't look suspicious at all. 

Sans: really?

You: Yeah, pretty much me being stupid

~

At least you didn't lie this time. 

Sans: oh

Sans: it wasn't somethin' serious, tho?

You: A bit

Sans: stitches?

~

Wait, why does he know about stitches? He doesn't even need them!

You: Actually, yes

~

Why did you say that?! You are supposed to keep it a secret!

...

Even if he was going to find out anyways...

Sans: oh shit

Sans: how many?

~

Well, it's not like it's there any point in lying...

You: Twenty-five

Sans: jesus, what did u do?

Sans: r u ok now, tho?

You: Pretty much

Sans: well, that's good, kiddo

~

I'm fucking twenty-

Sans: welp, that's all i wanted to know

Sans: srry if i bothered ya

You: Nonsense!

You: That's actually really nice of you!

You: I mean, to actually care enough to ask

Sans: eh, it's nothin'

Sans: i was goin' to ask ya there, but thought it would be better in...

Sans: private?

You: I understand; talking about someone's injuries it's not that great of a topic.

You: It would have been catastrophic if Mrs. Dreemurr or Mrs. Arial knew

Sans: yeah

Sans: welp

Sans: i should go by now

You: I bet

You: Have a good night, Sans

Sans: you too, (l/n)

~

It was quite a conversation, I must say. I mean; Sans called me by my last name at the end, which it's weirdly formal. And, out of all the people, he was the one who asked. Maybe he was the only one that noticed something odd on my hand, but I highly doubt it. It was visibly out of place. 

Or well.

At least for a human. 

It's hard to remember that we don't have the same problems, physically talking. Some of the monsters that confuse me the most are the skeletons and the fish-like. How could skeletons feel anything at all? One day I heard Arial complaining about how hot the day was, and that's... weird. How Undyne can breathe? She's out of the water! Unless she has lungs...

But wait- skeletons don't have lungs...

This is confusing as fuck.

How could Sans have noticed something odd to my hand, though? It's either he had seen it before on Frisk, or he actually researches a lot about humans. That would be weird as well. I mean, it would be like he had a human fetish. And that's scary.

I'm making him sound like he's a fucking rapist. 

I felt shivers down my spine and quickly shook my head. It was disturbing to think like that, to say the least. I don't think someone like Sans could have such a guilty pleasure. 

But maybe he's just like me. 

I mean- not as a fetish! But more like... curiosity. After all, I do have my doubts about monsters. I just made some five minutes ago. So he has all the right to know about humans as I do about monsters. Or maybe we don't. But hey, how a freak can judge another?

...

Did I just call Sans a freak? I barely know the guy, for God's sake!

I felt worse, naturally. I would apologize to him, but he doesn't know that I called him a freak. He doesn't need to know, either.

As much as I wanted to avoid it, I had to enter my bedroom eventually. This night, though, I decided to take a sleeping pill. And just like that, I was knocked out on my bed, forgetting that my daily dose should be a quarter of a pill.

Good thing I have an alarm, or else I would have been on dreamland forever. Well, I don't remember what I dreamed, but that's not the point. The thing is that I have work to do, so I can't sleep all day. 

And so I got ready and went to work, taking the subway like every day. And, for my surprise, I saw a family of monsters hanging out on the subway station. I smiled, knowing that now they can take public services. 

I arrived and went straight for a cup of coffee and a mini donut. Miracle there was any food to eat with the coffee; good thing they actually had coffee and not water. I need my drug to start the day. Always.

Such a coincidence I was listening to that song: 'Always' by Bon Jovi. Such a nice and romantic ballad, cheesy and totally different from what I use to hear. But hey, whenever it's a rock classic, I have a reason to listen to it. Especially if it is a ballad of Bon Jovi. They are just unique. 

Fun thing: I was listening also to a song called 'Unique', by Lenka. It's not a classic; it isn't even Rock N' Roll, but I like the calm and cheery tone it has. The lyrics have a direct and almost literal meaning, and it's really positive. 

The group of monsters arrived, then we headed out of the building. 

Yep. 

Work wasn't in my office. 

Everyone took their money and belongings with them. We went to a near bank and I made all the changes in their currency to make them dollars. We had agreed that every 'Gold' would be a dollar. 1 for 1. (I remembered a song again. I shouldn't be talking about my whole playlist)

They ended up with a good amount of money. Well, a lot. Some of them had sold their houses in the Underground, so they had even more money. Now, who bought their houses? God knows- that's the answer. 

So some of them bought a house. Like, today. Which totally surprised me, considering how much time I spent searching for a new place to live, that it's a small apartment. And now they have houses. HOUSES, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Calm the fuck down, (Y/N) (L/N).

...(L/N). 

That kinda reminded me about my conversation with Sans. I glanced down at him and saw that he was talking to an excited Papyrus. 

"You look happy" I bluntly said, facing towards him. I froze but quickly relaxed, watching his smile growing bigger. 

"aren't i always happy?" he answered, winking an... "eye".

"I mean, for real" I muttered, but I was conscious that he heard me since he stared at me in shock "Shit, I'm sorr-"

"you could say i feel happier. i, after a long time, have a bit of hope about the future-"

"YES HUMAN!" Papyrus shouted, smiling excitingly "SANS HAS BEEN DOING GREAT! HE'S BEEN WAY MORE POSITIVE SINCE YOU SHOWED UP, AND THAT'S A HUGE PROGRESS!"

He isn't that positive, huh? We may be really similar, then. 

I could see why he was more positive, though; he got a house for his family, and that feeling is simply amazing. Well... I suppose it must be incredible. I haven't bought a familiar house, but when I got the keys to my apartment, it sure felt great. It must feel similar, if not better. 

But he was eager about something else as well, noticing the look he gave to a bookstore. That really caught me off guard, not seeing him as the type to read a lot. Maybe I shouldn't be judging the poor guy just yet. He seems nice to this point, and that's it. 

We finished our journey at the new and huge house of the Dreemurr family, everyone feeling like little kids. And with everyone, I include myself. I honestly forgot my problems for a bit and I were hoping to see how these guys reached their dreams eventually. 

It's just a matter of time. 

"How about if you stay as well, (Y/N)?" Frisk asked with a smile, snapping me back at reality. Wait, WHAT?!

"S-stay?!" I asked amazed, not believing what my ears were hearing. Why would they want me to stay?!

"YEAH! WE WILL HAVE A HUGE SLEEPOVER IN WHICH EVERYONE WILL PARTICIPATE!" Papyrus exclaimed, eyeing Sans and Dr. Gaster there for a second. 

"Uh... I don't know..." I started, trying to dismiss the topic. And as expected, I failed.

"it's really late now, kiddo. from what you have told me, it's not good to leave at this time. less if you're a girl" Sans cleverly argued, using my words of that telephonic conversation. 

Goddang it, Sans. 

"...are you sure?"

"totally"

"Well, if you really want me here..."

Everyone smiled, even that freaking flower (though I bet he won't admit it). I felt a nostalgic wave hit me, but I hold the tears. 

You can always cry at night, (Y/N)...

Except that tonight you can't, if you plan to stay. 

Shit. If I had grabbed along my pills, it would have been easier. Hopefully, this so-called sleepover would last until morning. Maybe then I'll pass out. 

That means no coffee, though. 

Shit.

However, it wasn't as bad as I thought. All of them were super nice, and even shy Napstablook opened up once in a while. I felt really welcomed by most of them, making jokes and thanking me for what I've done. 

Even if it was really nothing. 

"So (Y/N)..." The sassy robot asked, making a fake hum of curiosity... that makes me feel curious as well. "How is your love life, darling?"

I don't think I should tell this guy I'm lonely as fuck...

"Pretty much dead, honestly" I simply answered, trying not to get into details. 

"Oh. Did a bastard just left you?"

I don't think I should tell this guy I've always been lonely as fuck. 

"Eh... sure"

"That didn't sound too believable, (Y/N)!" Frisk pouted, getting into the conversation without anyone minding her opinion.

...that was rude. 

"YES HUMAN! YOU DIDN'T SOUND TOO CONVINCING!" Papyrus exclaimed, making my heart skip a beat for a second at how loud his voice is. I need to get used to this. "...OR DO YOU RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT?"

It would have been useless if I lied, knowing how little experienced I am about the topic. They would find out sooner or later that I was a fat ass liar, just trying to fit in and failing miserably. So instead of taking that risk, I decided to take another. 

"Actually... my love life has always been dead..."

Mettaton almost choked in the glass of... an unknown drink he was... drinking?

How does he fucking drink, though?

"Darling, what the hell?!" He exclaimed with a remarkable tone of indignity in his voice, gaining the attention of the others in the room... who weren't paying attention before. Oh my god, why?! "We need to get you a date! Like, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Eh... what about no?" I answered, trying my best to escape. And, as expected...

I failed. 

"WHAT ABOUT YESSSSSS??????????????????????????" He snapped back annoyingly, making me feel like the stupidest person on Earth. Maybe I would have really lied if I knew he would be like this about my non-existent love life. 

"Me-mettaton" Alphys intervened, with an instant look of regret after spitting out that word. Please save me. "I do-don't think you should judge her that easily. I mean, everyone has their reasons. I bet she does as well"

"...fine!" He sassily exclaimed, faking their annoyance "Just don't say that I, an expert in love lives, didn't try to help!"

ohmygodthankyou

"...sure thing, Mettaton" I sighed, mostly in relief "Sure thing"

And so the night continued, not without me being able to avoid all their questions. I was okay with telling them about the surface, but my life... now that's another thing. People say I should be proud of what I've done, either in school and work, but it's hard for me to see it that way. And so my pride is substituted by doubts and insecurity, feeling not good enough. Because maybe if I tell them too much about me, they would not like me anymore (if they ever did, in the first place). And even if it's really selfish, I enjoyed their company more than anything in ages. 

And I didn't want it to stop. 

My time there was pleasant until it was 1 am. Frisk and Papyrus were seemingly tired, and Sans added that "his brother would get cranky without his bed story" or something like that. I felt a rush of panic hit me like a brick, realizing that it would be impossible for me to sleep at this hour. 

And knowing that I couldn't do my nightly shenanigans made me feel worse. 

Panic, then, was starting to get mixed up with anxiety, while the others were discussing who should get the couch-

wait a minute. 

"Uh... I can sleep on the couch if you want me to" I interrupted, hoping that this would be a good idea. 

A lot of the people arguing told me countless times I shouldn't take the couch since I was "the guest", but my insistence and my insecurities were way stronger than all of their goodwill combined.

Or maybe not, but the point is that I won. 

Everyone went to sleep, some of them even hugged me before leading to their temporary rooms. I smiled, feeling happy...

Wow. Never thought I would use that word again.

Don't get me wrong, my life it's not that shitty. I mean, if we get ourselves more reasonable, at least I'm not in the middle of nothing dying from starvation and from having a fucked up mind. That's something I should really feel thankful for, except for that last part, since my mind it's actually a huge mess. 

Still, I can't consider myself being happy. Or more like... satisfied? Yeah, that must be. I've always been exigent with myself, feeling the pressure of keeping people's expectations high. I don't want to fail them. I don't want them to see me how I see myself. That's why I smile, I laugh and even cry when I don't want to. 

To feel more human. 

To feel sane. 

To keep moving on. 

Because I know that other people might need my help in, well, anything! I just can't give up if people in worse situations haven't. That would just make me look and feel worse. 

But it's really worth living just for the others and not for myself?

I mean, it's not like I'm completely selfless. I consider myself really selfish at some points. Because I also do things to keep myself sane, to keep myself out of trouble, and hell, to even keep myself out from the death list. 

I'm scared of death, no doubt about it. I'm scared of letting go before I find someone that truly cares about me...

...maybe I should listen to Mettaton. But a broken heart would be unbearable to me. Falling in love is a risk I can't take, less if I'm in this state. 

I mean, look at me! I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and a high fucking IQ which I'm not proud of at all! I question reality often, I doubt how capable I am to do even the simplest of tasks, and I can't even establish a normal conversation without freaking out! I sometimes even ask myself if I don't have schizophrenia, for God's sake!

My mind went blank when I felt a tear rolling down my cheek. That warm and familiar feeling made me want to scream and a punch a fucking mirror again. I contained myself, though, when I see in the darkness the green couch I was laying on. 

I couldn't make them worry about me. 

I just couldn't. 

And so I softly removed the tears from my face and shut my eyes, not before noticing a blanket that, as far as I could remember, I never grabbed...


	10. How am I even supposed to be feeling right now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans realizes he isn't stupid, and that sometimes he has to stop doubting himself so much.

*Sans's POV*

It's been like two weeks since (Y/N) stayed at the Dreemurr's house with everyone else. I take that day as a reference because a lot of things have happened.

One of them, my new home... that feels really tense. 

Our parents decided to live with us so we all can have a better relationship with each other (well, it was actually Arial's idea), and I just let it be. Now I fucking regret it, 'cause I remembered that Gaster is a stupid asshole. He just criticizes everything I say, I do, or I've ever done with my life. It's fucking annoying to hear he has "such a disappointment of a son" every two seconds and poor, innocent, Paps trying to dismiss his bullshit. 

Arial, being in love with the doc like if they just started dating, never said a word defending me. But, in order to look like a good person, she doesn't defend her perfect husband. 

Go on- defend that piece of crap, Mom.

Honestly, Papyrus and I could have been perfectly well on our own, just like we were in the Underground. He's now fifteen, and I am twenty-two; isn't it too late to try to bond a connection?! They should have tried when Papy was just a kid and I was a fucking depressed teenager, trying to sustain my brother and the place we lived. 

Oh, did I mention I was the one who paid everything? They didn't put a single freaking cent! I did all on my own, I even got a lot of trouble to persuade one human into buying my old house. And all for this?! Now I can't even get on my house and smile to my little brother without being judged...

Ah...

I really miss those times. 

When I would get out of school or of... "work", and meet the smiley face of my brother. That smile is what keeps me from ending it all. I just can't leave him behind with that fucking couple of irresponsible parents while I'm burning in hell. 

I just can't. 

Today, though, we are out of that uncomfortable place and back on the Dreemurr's house. It's really big, and, I must admit, better than anything I could ever afford. Toriel insisted that we shouldn't lose our friendship, therefore, everyone must go. And so there I was going, trying to resist the urge to punch Gaster on the face and then go to my bed and cry while I fall asleep...

That was too specific.

When I arrived, boom! Surprise surprise! (Y/N) was there, freaking out in the middle of an argument, hosted by Undyne and Mettaton. 

Poor girl.

Papyrus did whatever it was on my mind, and intervened. The dispute ended quickly, thanks to Papyrus's innocence not wanted to be ruined. My death glare also helped but, hey- Papy did almost everything, so he gets the credit. 

(Y/N) let out a sigh of relief, then awkwardly muttered a 'thank you'. She anxiously looked over at the four of us, then waved shyly before disappearing into the kitchen with Tori. 

She... is certainly something. I don't think I've ever seen anyone this nervous before. 

Maybe she has problems socializing, but that would make no sense. But now that I remember, she indeed was anxious whenever we went for a meeting with her. 

Or whenever we hang out. 

...

Actually, I think she's nervous with the mere fact of being around us. We must be a huge group of weirdos to her, while in her head she's planning an excuse of how to escape. 

"Ah, well..." she interrupted, gaining everyone's attention "I have the results for, uh, your access in our education systems. I believe I, well, have everything specified in your documents, so... yeah... do you, eh, want me to give them to you...?"

Silence. And then, a grateful and unexpected squeak, courtesy of Toriel. 

"Oh! That's just wonderful! Thank you so much!"

"Ah, it's... nothing" (Y/N) answered, with a seemingly usual hint of anxiety in her voice. 

Then she grabbed a shitton of folders and started to giving them to us. I took mine nervously and remembered all the times I studied really hard for school. I remembered, also, every book I read and how I ended up learning French. 

I just hope it wasn't for nothing. 

I took a deep breath, now remembering the exam we had to do in an office, like if it was a diagnostic test. It wasn't that hard but, what if I failed? I swear to God that if I need to do high school again, I will kill myself. 

I opened it slowly, almost closing my eyes in fear. A panic attack started to take over my body, and I must have shown it since (Y/N) was giving me a concerned look. 

"Sans, are you okay?" She whispered softly, making me relax just a bit. Then her eyes lighted up a little as if she now understood "Don't worry, you did well. In fact, you did perfectly!"

Gaining more confidence from her small smile, I opened it quickly and checked the first page. Then I stood in shock, my mind going numb and my mouth opening slightly. 

...

College. 

I can go to college. 

To fucking university, like a normal person at my age would.

I looked at her and noticed she was almost smirking by my reaction. Then she gave me the biggest smile she could and a thumbs up. 

And, I swear to God, I felt amazing. 

I checked the other papers, and I was becoming even happier. Texts said that I was a mastermind, that I could even get a huge scholarship in an important university if I wanted to. My redaction skills were noted as perfect, which made my nonexistent heart skip a beat. My science knowledge was amusing, and math, oh lord, had really high notes. 

At the end of the documents, I noticed a little post-it. I looked at it curiously and started reading it as soon as I grabbed it in my hands:

'i Sans!

You did really well on basically everything! You should be proud!

If you are interested in going to a university any time sooner, I recommend you to check out Ebott University. It's one of the best schools in all the country, and I think you have the capacity to join! Hell, even have a great scholarship there!

No pressure, though. It's just a suggestion, after all! 

I just wanted to congratulate your excellent results, and to tell you that you can do it! You looked really stressed after giving your test, so I thought I should tell you this: you'll do just fine, Sans. Have more confidence in yourself, alright? If not for you, at least for your brother, who I see that it is really important to you. 

I wish you the best of lucks, my friend!

(Y/N) (L/N)'

I didn't know how to react. The only thing I know I did it's that I smiled all the time, and felt like this was just a happy dream about me being successful in life. I just couldn't believe that all my effort did work. 

I glanced at her and saw that Papyrus was chatting excitedly about his future. He proclaimed that he would do his best in order to "make her effort count". I smiled, noticing that, after a long time, I shared the same enthusiasm as Papyrus. 

I must have been staring because Paps waved at me energetically while she just let out a happy sigh. 

"BROTHER! I AM FIT TO THE HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL!" he exclaimed, making me smile even more. "I'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO LEARN NEW THINGS, SANS!"

With Papyrus in school, I think I can work for a better future in the midtime. 

After such a long time. 

Everyone else was also excited, confirmed by Gaster's small and hypocritical smile. 

He probably did better than I did. 

I looked over his paper and saw it; he could instantly go for the scientist role in any place...

And I have to study. 

My smile twitched a little but quickly forgot my dismay by a big hug from my brother. Oh lord, what I would do without him?

I wOUld prObaBLy k!ll mYsel-

Calm down, Sans. 

You've got this. 

I returned to my old and casual smile, relaxing a bit. We're out of the Underground now- it's my chance to finally do what I want. And what I want to do right now...

It's to buy another book. 

...

Nerd. 

A lot of people are actually surprised when they hear I love reading, especially the classics. I must seem so relaxed and chill for them, then. Which it's good since that's my favorite side of me, but... maybe keeping this reading obsession out of view it's dragging me down. It would be better to find someone to share these things with...

But who?

I snapped back into reality and shrugged it off. I can't lose my cool.

I just can't.

Eventually, I caught up into the conversation everyone was being part of. As expected, the topics were related to the future and how are we going to make our dreams come true. (Y/N), however, was just smiling there, trying to fit in silently. But, obviously, she felt excluded every time she tried to gain the courage to say something. 

She doesn't seem to be up for conversations, either. When Toriel asked her a few things, she stuttered and played with her fingers. I have no idea how I managed to understand everything she said, but somehow I could. Still, I feel sorry for her. She probably doesn't want to be here. 

I wonder why she helped us, though. She hasn't asked for money just yet, and she tries her best to don't be rude at all. She apologizes a lot and freaks out whenever someone acts to be offended or sad. Whenever there is an argument, she probably has a mental breakdown and tries her best to don't surpass some limits or to let the problem go any further. The mere look of her face is the purest description of anxiety I've ever seen...

Maybe she suffers, indeed, anxiety...

But you just can't ask her, can you?

...

Of course not. 

It would be stupid to arrive at her side and immediately ask "hey girl, do you have anxiety???". 

She would stop talking to me, and considering that we'll see each other more in the future, I just can't go on and make our friendship awkward.

...

Wait- friendship?! You don't even know her that much!!!

...

But she indeed called me in the post-it as a friend. 

My skull was starting to hurt, and curiously, it's been for a problem that isn't mine. I must admit, though; anxious or not anxious, (Y/N) seems to be really nice. And she's like, smart as fuck. 

Or that's how I see her, who knows. 

"HUMAN!" Papyrus exclaimed, snapping me back to reality... again. "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO NERVOUS TO TALK TO US? WE WON'T HURT YOU!"

Oh shi-

"Ah, eh... I, em, don't know...? It's just, ah... eh..."

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

"It's just, em... I... how do I explain, em... ah..."

Tell her something, you fucking asshole!!!!!!!

"ah, kid. you don't need to say it if you don't want to. i bet everyone will understand"

She just looked at me nervously, like if she was asking for reassurance. I nodded my head slowly and gave her a thumbs up, trying to calm her down. She took a deep breath and smiled, a hint of confidence gleaming in her eyes. 

Wait, is she going to say it? Why-

"Well, em, Papyrus" she started, shaking her hands in order to calm down "I suffer from something called... anxiety. I was diagnosed some months ago, actually".

Oh, so I was right?

How sad, she's so nice to suffer from something like that. 

Wait, so that means she-

"wait, so you are enjoying your time here? for real?"

"Oh, of course!" she responded immediately, smiling nervously at my statement. I'm such an asshole "I actually was starting to miss getting out of my crappy apartment to socialize with other people! I'm... not the best at it, though. I do suck at making new friends and- shitidontevenknowifyouguysconsidermeasafriendimsosorry"

Was she for real? It's difficult to see this girl as someone not loved or wanted. I mean, I must admit she's pretty and, besides, she's super nice and patient. I'm starting to see that she didn't do this for money, but because that's her nature. A kind girl, not standing social injustices. Her words and her personality now make sense- she's just that different to others that she finds it difficult to have real friends. 

"HUMAN! I'M DELIGHTED TO HEAR YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH US! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, ACCEPT YOUR OFFER AND I'LL BE THE COOLEST FRIEND YOU'LL HAVE!"

I should probably tell her the same. 

...

I'm rooting to be friends with this girl, I just can't dismiss the fact she wants some company. 

But aren't I judging her too quickly?

...

She looks lonely for real, though.

I mean, I do have Papyrus, but she seems to have no one at her side. And that just fucking sucks. I don't think anyone deserves to be so lonely and so misunderstood. I don't even understand how she has dealt with it! I don't think I'll ever be able to be alone with my mind. I would have probably killed myself as a teenager and not been here. 

"hey kid, you've been really nice and, well, a real light of hope to all of us. i don't think anyone here wouldn't like to be your friend. or well, at least i don't, y' know?"

She smiled and seemed a lot more relaxed, as everyone else nodded at my words. I could see she felt more accepted, which made me feel better. It's stupid, isn't it? I feel good because I included someone that deserved to be included since the beginning. 

"Oh, I know!" Frisk raised her finger in the sky, gaining all of our attention "We should do a huge sleepover party in order to commemorate our new friend, (Y/N)!"

Papyrus gasped with lights in his eyes, clearly excited about this new idea. (Y/N), though... she looked like she was freaking out a lot. I put one of my hands on her shoulder, trying to tranquilize her, and incredibly she did. She gave me a small smile and mouthed an "I'll be ok", which made me smile as well.

As much as I must hate humanity, I think she's an exception. 

But I really don't know

"BUT FIRST!" Papy screamed, bringing with himself a ton of wood pieces and a hammer. Then he locked the door completely and put a padlock that I don't know where it came from. "THERE! NOW NO ONE CAN ESCAPE THE PARTY! NYEH HEH HEH!"

I swear to God, almost everyone had a heart attack at that moment. And (Y/N), of course, seemed like she was dead for a moment. 

Before we could react, a bunch of blankets and pillows were all over the couch, and my brother was already connecting the Wii and the Xbox. Undyne was bringing chips from the cabinet (without any permission, by the way), and the kid was getting some board games. 

This is gonna be a long night. 

(Y/N), without anything else to do, offered herself to help. But since she was "the guest", the official planners of this sleepover didn't let her. And since I wasn't going to help, we ended up sitting on the couch, talking about... well, anything. 

"is there any way we can help with, uh, your anxiety?" I asked her, trying to feel more, well, accessible...?

"Well, um... I think I'll be ok. As long as I'm not dragged into a huge party with unknown people... which it's not totally happening, haha..." she paused, then she glanced at me in horror "Right?!"

"considering mettaton, uh..." I stopped, knowing I fucked up "...maybe?"

I shrugged at her with a small and nervous smile and her eyes widened a lot. I felt horrible, but I just couldn't lie to her. If she's gonna continue here with us, Mettaton's personality will need some... moderations? And honestly, I don't think he'll ever moderate that slutty character he has created, that it's the dirtiest version of himself. 

She sighed though, realizing that, no matter how much she wanted things to be different, she couldn't change them. Or could she?

"It's okay, I guess" she started with a deep breath, like if this was something difficult to her "I mean, I just declared that I have anxiety, whichistilldontunderstandwhyidid, but that doesn't mean people should be different around me or take pity on me. The world just doesn't work like that, and that's fine! So I think there's no way to help my little ol' problem... except medicine, of course"

"oh, so you already went to the doctor then?"

"Yeah... but I constantly forget to take the, uh... pills..."

Wow, so she doesn't even care that much? Or it's just that she cares more about work? Probably the second, but it doesn't really matter. (Y/N) has anxiety and she isn't dealing with it the proper way, but I'm no one to tell her, well, anything about it. I haven't been responsible for ages, I'm not gonna tell this girl any advice about responsibility. 

Not today. 

Not ever. 

"EVERYONE! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, HAS SETTLED THE GAME!" Papy shouted, shutting up all my thoughts about this kid. Thank God. 

"oh really, and what is it bro?" I asked, sounding as lazy as usual and hiding my real self with a smile. It always works. 

"TODAY, BROTHER!" he posed heroically "WE ARE PLAYING A POPULAT HUMAN GAME, THAT REQUIRES STRATEGY AND GOOD THINKING!"

Huh?

"WE ARE PLAYING..." (notice the dramatic suspense) 

"...MONOPOLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Is this the part where I shout in happiness or where I scream in horror?


	11. A bloody war between your mind and your heart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Monopoly game goes as horrible as you expect.

*Your POV*

There were screams of desperation and victory, tears of joy and anger, sarcastic laughs everywhere. When did we let this war happen? When did we let this horrible fight break our friendship? When-

"jesus fucking christ i hate you guys so fucking much jesus christ what the fuck this fucking game can suck my-"

"Sans, calm the fuck down! I don't want to hear your fucking monologue again, just deal with it! You suck at this game, and that's it!"

"shut up, you fucking sushi"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

...yep. This is what my life has become: a monopoly war. Properties being mortgaged, hotels being settled and money being lost. It sounds a lot like real life, mostly in the business world, which I'm familiar with. 

But Jesus Christ: in all my twenty-two years of life experience, I never have entered such a bloody war for survival. 

And Sans's curses are not helping. 

"finally! money, baby, come to daddy"

My eyes went directly to the figure in the short skeleton's property and widened in fear when I realized it was Undyne's. Then the shouting got louder, the groans more direct, and the sarcastic comments were harsher than ever. It's not like I'm innocent at this war- everyone here is an enemy. Even poor Papyrus has lost his kindness and went straight to make a fight against his own brother. The tragic but sad truth. 

The ring was made-up by a strict number of eight fighters (just like in Super Smash Bros... I wonder if they have played it), all of them with focused looks, full of hatred. The one most hated in the round, Sans, was awfully powerful at the beginning. Thanks to a supposedly not illegal alliance, though, he lost all of his power, and now he's insulting everyone to show his burning rage. 

Undyne, a determined-but-not-too-lucky warrior, has given her all to make Sans's properties fall. However, that descended into making her lose a lot of money, but it's still somehow alive.

Papyrus is weak in this game, but thanks to his soon-to-break-down union with Undyne, he has persisted and make Sans even angrier. He also has a strategic mind, I must admit. His turns are something to watch out carefully, his comments are so quick and unsuspicious at first that that's what makes them dangerous. 

Frisk, well...

"Oh yeah, everyone! I'm the boss here, woo!"

...it's a sassy prick. She has even made me boil in anger with her daring comments, challenging everyone's sanity. She makes really poor choices, though, so that's why I think she's not someone to worry about... in the business matter, of course. 

Mettaton it's not that much of a purchaser, but he's indeed saving a lot of money. He's playing it safe, yes, but that will probably be the reason he will fall. Still, it's starting to annoy me the way he presumes his fake dollars while stretching his legs (Sans and I did try to make him stop, but he just got worse, so we have to groan for ourselves). 

Asgore is a good businessman. He has everything settled- a perfect plan in his head, and a loud business voice to make us all tremble. The problem with him it's that he gets intimidated quite easily (I mean, even I made him shake in fear), especially with Toriel. 

Speaking of her...

"I suppose you have to pay now, my child"

...she's a silent murderer. One of the most deadly, but less offensive players in the game. She moves pieces, stares with a powerful and unique glance and, in the end, she ends up winning bills constantly. She's making all of us suffer, while she just smiles and looks at the game quite peacefully. 

Arial it's that person that makes a lot of money at an ungodly speed. The way she keeps buying and getting funds without any specific strategy makes my mind wonder if I'm doing a good job. She's just a natural for these things... I should probably tell her. 

And, well, there's me: (Y/N) (L/N). I'm not the best in this game, but I have made everyone cry, even the powerful Toriel. Besides, I haven't lost a lot, so that's one of my advantages. I need to say that I'm also a sarcastic and confusing opponent, as I made Mettaton go according to my plans. 

"Another day, another dollar and- ooh, a penny! Thanks, Mettaton!" I exclaimed as confident as I could and he just groaned and gave me a deadly look, which I totally ignored. 

Yes, this is war, and I'm definitely not going to lose it- these four hours haven't been for anything!

...I don't think I haven't been determined this much at something. It's been a while since I've even played board games... and that thought gives me a nostalgic feeling. I miss those days were my father and my aunt would get with me and start playing Dungeons N' Dragons while listening to some sweet Bon Jovi songs and to our own curses and sarcastic comments. It was amazing, forgetting suddenly that we are not part of that magical world that depends on the numbers of the dice- shameful of you to have a 1! But if you got a twenty, Jesus Christ, you were a God! Just with the slight movement of your hands and a bit of luck, your old fairy tales' fantasies became true. Sadly, I'm not part of that world anymore, and I'll never be. 

The game ended up with Alphys comforting Undyne and Sans getting pissed with his dad, who said he was just a disappointment. I don't know if I should be worried about this or not since some families apparently get along like this... besides, I can't decipher that skeleton with ease, that goddamn smile being my principal obstacle. The look he gave to his father, though, put me really uncomfortable. It was just like if he would punch him in the face, but I was too nervous to try to interfere... in case that ever happened, of course. 

So Asgore ended up winning the game, with an unfair rock-paper-or-scissors between he and I. But I was tired, so I waved it off with the best second-place smile I could give him. He smiled back at me, taking note of my patience and how good I'm accepting this kind of things. 

I'm so good accepting being the loser because I've lost a lot, and life has taught me to be strong and that being angry with it doesn't help... that wound in my fingers also remind me of that. This is just a game, I know it, so my rage wasn't going to be wasted on it. 

And so I kept on smiling. 

We all head up to sleep at four in the morning, something I'm really grateful for, considering the morning is coming and my mind will go to hell sooner than usual. That's amazing, honestly, and I feel excited about the sun shining in the sky and me looking like a normal person waking up. 

For destiny causes, I didn't sleep on the couch this time. Everyone agreed at the absurd idea that I didn't deserve that kind of treatment and, therefore, someone else has to be in it. And my "special techniques" didn't help this time to persuade them. 

And so Gaster ended on the couch (Sans's petition), saying that he has slept in the worst of places back on the laboratory. And everyone let it be, and I just smiled; clearly in shame. 

"Worry not, young human" he started as he looked at me, a tired smile plastered on his face. "I'm used to this, and it's not your fault. You go ahead and sleep well; I suppose you've been up since early". 

Yeah, I feel like I've been up for days...

And that totally didn't happen, haha...

Ha...

Fuck my life. 

And so we head up to unconsciousness, trying to fall asleep after all those screams ringing in our heads. I heard some quiet apologies from the most misbehaved members of the war, and they were quickly forgiven. I wish I was forgiven that quickly for my mistakes as well...

My heart is a cruel and exigent judger, my mind a logical machine, and the other side of me is trying to escape. But my mind and my heart are not letting them, and I can't do anything about it. 

I can't, and I'll never will. 

And so the hours passed by, laying on a lonely bed in a lonely bedroom. Just me, myself and I, huh? What I feared the most was slowly getting control of me, and I was too weak to fight back. 

I bet my mother would be laughing at me. I bet my father would be disappointed...

Disappointment...

Sans...

Why would his father ever be disappointed with him? He's a nice guy, I know it for a fact. He can be a jerk sometimes, yes, but he's nice. Really nice, considering he was the most interested in my problem... that I ended up confessing out of nowhere. 

My logic left me, my heart did as well. Just a bare feeling of confidence surrounded me, and he made it worth it. Someone asking about it makes me feel... different...

But how can I know if it's not out of pity or to look as someone filled with sympathy? How can I know he never meant any of that? How can I know they'll never leave me if everyone else did?

And as soon as that thought arrived, a tear rolled down my cheek, showing how weak I am. How will anyone take me seriously if I'm a crybaby each time I'm alone? It's like that feeling of dependence it's the only thing that makes me who I am...

But then I heard sobs that weren't mine. 

I shut up instantly and listened carefully, and there they were- soft and almost unexistent sobs, muffled by a pillow or a hand. But in this deadly silence, even the mute sins can start to speak for themselves. The growth of this sobs and the absence of mine were making me feel hyperventilated. I needed to know who it was and, most importantly, why. Why is that person crying? Why would they even cry? Out of all the people, none of them deserve to be sad and unheard. No one except myself, because that's how I settled it up years ago. 

I slowly got up and walked as silent as possible. But the silence is a dirty whore, listening to every problem and not doing anything about it. And the goddamn sobs stopped, me being not quiet enough. 

With a groan, I returned to the bed and lay there, without any purpose in trying to sleep. No tears rolled down on my face anymore...

Because I knew someone else was wasting theirs. 

And, for their sake, I'll keep myself strong and show no vulnerability. 

Not anymore.


	12. And I had an anxiety attack... again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is horribly wrong and the title is awfully accurate.

*Your POV* 

I slammed the door behind me, fell to my knees, and closed my eyes. Today was such a shitty day I actually don't want to go back. But I have to. Unless I want to get fired, which actually doesn't sound THAT bad. 

Wait... yeah, that sounds reasonable. 

My apartment was just like my mind: a complete fucking mess that made no sense and looked like Narnia. But despite that, my personal laptop was hanging out on the small table I have in front of the TV. I sighed and went to the kitchen, trying not to worry. 

It's been a while ever since I met the group of monsters and, honestly, I'm loving it! They are super nice and a part of me has changed a bit... so I'm becoming more dedicated to making them as happy as I can. 

And that also refers to some of their complaints, like "you should seek a better job" or "this is dangerous for you, you should have something that makes you happy". And that's what I was about to do. 

After taking my cup of coffee and I sat on the couch, I opened my laptop and started to search for different jobs and opportunities. I'm a scientist and a... politician? We could say that. I'm experienced in both terms and I'm really trying to look for a scientist post today. I want to do what I love and, well, I'm a science nerd. Fite me. 

I just don't want to work in the Congress anymore. It's boring, it's lame, and I'm not going to stay in an office for the rest of my days- not when I'm starting to care about things. Alphys and Sans have said that they want to become part of the science world, but they have to study hard to get it. While I'm waiting for them, though, I'll make them proud and work in science! 

While browsing around, I ended up on a Facebook page and noticed I had a shitton of notifications. Interested, I checked the groups and started to read the messages... bad idea...

Paula: Hey, monster lover! You should just go with them to the Underground, hah!

Anna: Jesus, when did we let this happen?

Anna: I thought you were smarter than this!

John: You are gonna put us in trouble

John: And it'll be all YOUR FAULT!  
~

And so it went. I frowned slightly and decided to check Discord, trying to get distracted for a bit. My mind was starting to make bad moves, and I just couldn't make them real. What if it was better to leave the topic? Did I make a mistake? Should I start protesting AGAINST them?! Are they a threat to humans? Oh my God, what have I done? Should I-

Do you wanna get... Frisky?: Hey (Y/N)!

Do you wanna get... Frisky?: you wanna play UNO?

CoolSkeleton95: YES, HUMAN! 

CoolSkeleton95: YOU SHOULD JOIN THE FUN!  
~

I shook my head with a smile, knowing I could never do that to them. Not after the little and funny history we have together, and how much comprehensible they looked with my problems socializing. They've made laugh like there is no tomorrow and to learn a lot of things. I just can't wipe them away from their dreams. I just can't wipe them away from my life. 

Smartass: Sure, right now?

puns are love, puns are life: we're startin' right now, kiddo.

puns are love, puns are life: join this round before undyne comes with her shitty strategies again  
~

I giggled softly, remembering the stupid nicknames we all had in that Discord group. I immediately went for my headphones, then joined the chat. 

"Hi!" I exclaimed, praying that everyone could hear me. Fortunately, they could. 

"hello kid, ready to lose?" A deep voice said, which I immediately recognized it was Sans. Everyone seems to have a high-pitched voice comparing them with him. Heck, even my father would sound like a three-year-old girl if we compare their voices!

After a bit of playing stupid rounds of UNO and hearing Sans's awful puns, I lost track of time. Eventually, Sans and I ended up playing Dead by Daylight together, the skeleton by some coincidence having the game installed. And so talked privately from then, and... got used to the game, I suppose. 

"DUDE WHAT THE-" I stopped myself before I could use a bad word, not knowing how he would react. I still don't feel comfortable enough to be my usual, swearing, and boring self around them. I'm trying to be as less boring as possible... but I know that I'm still boring, even if I, indeed, try hard.

"i hate this game soooooooo much... what if we play somethin' else?" he asked, making me sigh in relief. This game's no good for someone with anxiety, keep that in mind. Bad thing I'm kind of a masochist in that aspect. 

"You hate a lot of games, don't you? And sure, any suggestions?" 

"do you have... mortal kombat?"

Oooh

This is going to be interesting!

"Which one?"

"x, i'm too poor to buy the new one"

"Sure, I have it! I'll love to play it, it's been a while"

"cool cool, i'll invite you then"

And we played like for, what, hours? Mortal Kombat is sincerely one of my favorite sagas of videogames since I was a little child. Dolls? Nah, videogames were my thing since the beginning of times. 

I forgot my problems, I forgot everything. It was just me, my character, and an angry Sans rattling his bones all over the mic. I was enjoying it, even if he tried to deconcentrate me with his jokes, that at the end were all just corny comments trying to make me flush but made me laugh instead. 

I joked now and then as well, and hearing his laugh was such a gratifying feeling I couldn't do anything but to laugh with him. Besides, his laugh is quite contagious, and I'm easily influenced when other people laugh, so this got the best of me. 

When I looked at the clock though, fear ran all over my body, and I stood quiet for some good minutes. I tried to contain my anxiety, to calm down. I took deep breaths and closed my eyes, telling myself I'll be just fine.

"(y/n), are you-"

"HOLY SHIT IT'S 1 AM WHAT THE FUCK- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 

...

Nice job, sweetie. 

My mind was being a huge and stupid mess whenever those awful screams were out of my mouth. Sans wasn't answering, so I felt worse. I started panicking and creating ways to make him hate me less, and before I could say anything, I heard laughter. 

His laughter. 

"oh my god (y/n) you panic a lot" he said between breaths, while I just remained silent. What the- "i'm sorry, it's just... you should not worry about anything, k? remember you said tomorrow you don't have to work, k? just relax. nothing's wrong with staying late once in a while, right?"

"Wait, so you don't think I'm pathetic or anything like that?!"

"wha- of course not! everyone has their moments (y/n), and you have anxiety, for god's sake! it's totally normal for someone to freak out now and then. you shouldn't feel guilty of that"

How...

I felt tears trying to escape from my eyes and I hold them back, keeping my cool... temporarily. I draw a weak smile in my face, even if Sans couldn't see it. 

"Thank you. I needed that" Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd my voice broke down in the process. Shit. 

"don't worry (y/n)" he said kindly, and I bet he was still wearing that permanent shit-eating grin. I chuckled to myself, slowly making tears disappear "hey, do you wanna meet up tomorrow? maybe you want some time to yourself, i know, but maybe you should try to interact more with people... since i'm assuming you don't"

I never thought I would get lectured by a skeleton. Guess life is unexpected, huh? 

But I realized he was right. My social anxiety can only be solved by interacting with others. There is no escape, and I'm conscious of that. Besides, what can go wrong? Sans has been nothing but a nice guy, and I'm starting to enjoy his company a lot. Maybe I'll be able to consider him as a friend?

"I'd love that, thank you so much. I don't get to hang out often, so that means a lot"

"don't sweat it. everyone deserves a chance to express themselves"

We hung up the call with a quick "see you tomorrow" and I went straight to bed, never erasing that last sentence he said from my mind. 

"Everyone deserves a chance to express themselves", huh? Maybe...

Maybe this is my chance

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

We hung up the call and I let out a sigh. I never realized I was playing until late, mostly because Papyrus didn't come for his bedtime story, and so I lose track of time. I was having a good time though, but I can't be stubborn and keep her up any longer. Not after she almost had a heart attack. 

She's nice, and she seems pretty genuine. Doesn't look like the type of girl that should hide anything, not with that anxiety of hers. She's a goddess in Mortal Kombat, though. She knew how to use almost every fighter perfectly, and I felt like a punching bag with jokes in its interior. The more she won, the more I joked. At least she laughed... a lot, actually. She's a good audience, just like Tori. 

Then I remembered she cursed when she was starting to freak out, and I started to wonder if she uses "strong" language daily. Or well, at least in her head. 

I looked over that beautiful website called Youtube and watched some memes, that are truly gold if you ask me. A sick and dark sense of humor combined with random things and retards living their lives- in one word, perfection. I would also watch Tumblr, but that site gave me a good uncomfortable feeling that I don't want to relive any sooner. I also wanted to check Wattpad, but ever since I knew that it was mostly FanFiction, I thought more about it. Then I remember that Alphys told me she had an account and I immediately never went to that place... 

Alphys is scary sometimes, no one can judge me. Her weird FanFictions are pretty much apart from anything I like to read or write...

And yes, I'm a writer. 

That's why I thought Wattpad would be a good idea...

Thank God I changed my mind. 

I'm mostly a science fiction lover, but drama and suspense are not that bad. I also like a lot of horror novels, but I'm no good at writing one my self. Believe me, I tried. It's hard to make it as noncliché as possible, considering that paranormalities are a huge cliché themselves. 

I always include romance in my stories though. I realized it's quite essential in defining people's personalities and actions. Besides, romantic scenes leave a nice drama feeling when they are not exaggerated, so I try to put them once in a while. 

I'm currently writing a novel instead of a short story, but it's hella difficult if you are bone dry of ideas. It takes a skele-ton of effort to come up with something good, and it's harder to put it in words. I also need to do some more research, since it includes scientific things...

Ah, sci-fi. What would I do without it?

I'm also a classic novel lover. Macbeth it's just wonderful and Journey to the Center of the Earth are old masterpieces that have a special place in my soul. I read them when I was a kid, and I would do it over and over. But I also want to see what new books the surface has to offer- one of my wildest dreams is to visit the biggest libraries around the world, like the ones in Paris or in Tokyo. But that has to wait. 

I'm tired, but I never get myself to sleep. I suffer insomnia since... quite a few time, actually. It all started with the first reset of that goddamn flower; it started whenever I realized that the timeline theory was real and that, whoever got the power- the DETERMINATION- had the entire world at their hands. 

Flowey was first, then Frisk came and had the power. Now I don't know if she has it anymore, considering we are at the surface and anyone could be more determined than her. But there's still a chance she has time and space at the tip of her fingers, and with a snap, she can make everything and everyone I love disappear. 

That kid... she probably wants to see me suffer. After everything I've done to stop her, she hates me even more. She's selfish. She's a prick. And I'll never forgive her. 

She knew I would remember when she did that. She killed everyone I loved, she destroyed the little hope I had on my home... and laughed at my face about it. That fight, that crazy look in her eyes... I have nightmares about it. Whenever I see the kid, a part of me replaces it with the painful memories of past timelines. 

And I can't make them stop. I can't erase that devilish and empty smile Frisk had. I can't erase the vision of that flower becoming a God before my eyes. 

I can't erase Papyrus's smile still with hope before turning to dust. 

I shook my head and sighed. Out of all the times, I can't bring myself now into thinking like that... not anymore. We're on the Surface now, for God's sake! I should be happy because now I can fulfill my happiest dreams!

...

I lack the motivation, though. 

There's no hope for me, or that's what I think. 

I want the best for everyone (except Frisk and Flowey; screw them), but me? Heh, this old sack of bones won't be his usual self any sooner. It's just... it's just stupid to think I'll ever be the casual and relaxed skeleton ever again. I'm paranoid. I'm scared. I'm a fucking coward trying to protect his brother, but being too useless to do anything about it. 

I can't go back to Snowdin. I can't go back to that goddamn house. I can't.

I glanced over my desk and noticed the folder with the things for my education. I let a sigh, knowing that I would never be able to keep up with that kind of stress. Not if my mind it's worried about something else. 

I turned off the lights and went to my bed, trying to clear my mind. I let a new human enter my life, one older than Frisk...

That doesn't mean it's less dangerous. 

That doesn't mean she's not a murderer...


	13. Note to myself- Don't judge anyone too quickly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You realized that Papyrus is not as innocent as you thought at first... and not in THAT way.

*Sans's POV*

"HUMAN! I AM PLANNING TO DO A CHRISTMAS PARTY IN ONE OF THESE DAYS!"

"Uh, Papyrus... it's mid-July"

"I KNOW! I'M NOT LIKE MY LAZY BROTHER, WHO EVEN ASKS ME IN WHAT YEAR WE ARE IN EVERY SINGLE DAY!"

Ouch. 

I have told Papyrus (Y/N) was coming and he couldn't help but be excited all morning. Then he scolded me for not giving the young human our direction, and he ended up doing it. So now, she's been here since eleven in the morning, because Papyrus told her to be at that hour. 

"Papyrus, eh... we, uh, humans... celebrate Christmas until December"

"WHAT?!?! I THOUGHT A 'CHRISTMAS' WAS A CASUAL PARTY! DO YOU HAVE ONLY CASUAL PARTIES ON DECEMBER?!"

"Christmas is a... religious celebration, Papyrus. But all those decorations and presents has buried the real meaning of this holiday"

I was just thanking her that she wasn't mean to my brother, knowing that his innocence it's bigger than my will to live... heh. Too dramatic. 

"WOWIE, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! YOU ARE REALLY SMART, HUMAN!"

"It's, uh... nothing, Papyrus"

She noticed I was watching her and gave me a small smile, then head off with Papyrus to the kitchen, who was claiming to teach her how to cook spaghetti. I felt confused but shook my head instantly, because that's probably how she wants me to feel. 

Her modals and modesty, though, made me question a lot of theories in my head. I don't think she would ever be able to betray monsters, not after every fucking obstacle she went through in order to set us free in this world. It wouldn't make any sense that she accepted my offer to come for the day, or how loud she laughed at my jokes yesterday. 

She... she can't be simulating all those things... right?

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. (Y/N) seems really nice, but Frisk did as well in the first timeline. I put my trust in that child and she failed me... I can't do the same with (Y/N)...

Except that she isn't a kid anymore, I suppose. 

"SANS, YOU LAZYBONES! QUIT KIDDING AROUND AND COME HERE!"

"nah, i'm fine over here. thanks for the invitation, anyways"

And there was that loud groan I always loved to hear. Believe me, bothering a brother it's one of the most amazing feelings in the world. Or well, in my world. Being all lazy and sleepy it's the perfect mask I have for my own thoughts. No one needs to know what I'm thinking. Less him. 

"SANS, YOU ARE EMBARASSING OURSELVES IN FRONT OF THE HUMAN! DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT DAY THAT YOU WILLED TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER?!"

Honestly, Paps, I don't know what to think anymore. 

If those words came out of my mouth, Papyrus would have stopped shouting his cheery voice out loud. He would sit beside me and ask me what's wrong. 

hE wOUld aSk iF i aM tAKIng mY pILLs...

I shook my head nervously and noticed I was remaining silent for too long. I decided to speak, leaving my thoughts behind... again. 

"i am, papy. but i am also willing to go to sleep right now"

He groaned again and apologized to (Y/N), who only said a "don't worry about it". Even if I was not able to see her, I knew she drew a kind smile on her face. And, somehow, that made me feel more irritated. 

Am I really this weak? Am I really not this strong with my theories and decisions? How... how can I doubt this girl's intentions? She hasn't done anything! She's been nothing but a kind person to all of us! And, still, I'm still doubting her!!!

I don't understand. 

I really don't.

"WELL, BROTHER!" he spoke again, a bit calmer than before "YOU CAN GO ON AND PICK A MOVIE WHILE WE PUT POPCORN ON THE MICROWAVE!"

"wait, popcorn? didn't you say you were going to cook-"

"CHANGE OF PLANS, BROTHER. THANKS TO YOU NEVER GOING TO THE STORE, THERE ARE NO INGREDIENTS TO MAKE MY FAMOUS SPAGHETTI. WHICH I FOUND IT AS A CATASTROPHE, CONSIDERING WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST TODAY!" Then (Y/N) mumbled something under her breath, but I couldn't make any of whatever she said. "SO, INSTEAD, WE ARE GOING TO WATCH A MOVIE AND MAKE THE HUMAN FEEL HERSELF AT HOME! BELIEVE ME, MY MAGNIFICIENT PLAN WON'T FAIL! NYEH HEH HEH!"

I just heard a feminine laugh after my brother's loud voice. Not the one of a demon, not the one of a megalomaniac. Just the laugh of a woman enjoying its time here. 

I immediately went over this thing called 'Netflix' and tried to choose a good movie. I would normally pick a sci-fi but, with all this crap happening in my head, I clearly don't know if that would be a good idea. 

Some of the reasons I liked science fiction in the past were the scientific terms and futuristic fantasies. Now, another reason it's because I find them relatable. A young skeleton living the same days over and over, suffering the consequences of a child that has power over time and space. Isn't my new life a science fiction itself? Besides the point that I'm a freaking monster and I have magic, of course. 

So, out of all the times I want to remember my life, I don't think this is the ideal one. I decided to search blindly, then, not putting too much attention in whatever category I was looking to. My mind was numb as well, so I was just a normal skeleton looking through the TV until somebody stopped me. 

"SANS! WHY HAVEN'T YOU PICKED ANYTHING YET?!" And there it was again, that loud voice I always like to hear. Whenever I hear him now, though, I only want to be his protector and never back down. I don't want him to go away. I don't want him to create a life which I'm not part of anymore. After everything we've done together, I can't let him go. After knowing there are people so merciless that want to hurt him, I don't want him to leave this house. I don't want him to hang around out of this place. 

You don't want him to be happy. 

And whenever that thought fills my head, I stop thinking about my overprotective self. I'm confused, and I have no idea how to make my brother happy without risking his life. I don't want to lose him again. I couldn't bear with it, not that know he's happy here on the Surface. 

"Sans, are... are you ok?" A doubtful voice hesitated, which only made me sigh. I'll never be okay... and you'll never know that. "You seem a bit... worried? I know we aren't close friends, but... if there's something, ANYTHING, you need to get out of your head... I'm always open, ok?"

That's what everyone says. 

Do you really think I-

"I know it's very cliché to say this, Sans..." she surprisingly continued "I've heard those words a thousand times and never believed them. But trust me with this one, please. I've always wanted someone set to hear all my problems, but I never got anyone. I... I want you to know that you aren't the case, Sans... you have people that worry about you. You are not alone. Please, if not for you, then for them. Don't hide anything you'll regret hiding later..." I froze at those words, making a list of all the things I'm hiding from my brother. 

She returned to her anxious self and started apologizing from getting involved in something personal, but I really didn't mind her, so I told her a "don't worry about it". A little, almost inexistent, part of me believes in her words. And for my sake, I'll hold onto that part of me as long as I can. 

Papyrus, in order to look more mature than he is, choose a horror movie. (Y/N) went along with it, suspiciously, and I... looked more doubtful.

"SANS! DON'T TELL ME YOU CAN'T TOLERATE THIS KIND OF MOVIES!"

"i think the intolerant it's another one, papyrus"

"SAYS THE ONE WHO NEVER DRINKS HIS MILK!"

"hey, don't touch that topic. it's complicated"

I just heard quiet laughter coming from the human, and Papyrus just gave me a look full of disbelief. 

"WHATEVER! WE ARE GOING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE AND THAT'S IT!"

As predictable, the intolerant wasn't me. Papyrus started to shake in fear and hugged (Y/N) on multiple occasions, which only made me chuckle. It had multiple jumpscares and all that shit, but it was fun to watch the human consoling Papyrus quietly. 

After ending it, however, my brother wanted to try again and prove his bravery, so we went on and searched for another horror movie. 

"Oh! Can... can we watch that one?" (Y/N) asked suddenly, and I swear her voice made me jump a little. She's quiet almost all the time, so now hearing her giving a suggestion was rather surprising... and giving a horror movie suggestion was weirder. 

"S-SURE HUMAN! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL WATCH THIS MOVIE WITH YOU. AND I BET SANS WILL DO THE SAME, ISN'T THAT RIGHT BROTHER?"

"uh, sure paps. this should be fun"

"EXCELLENT! LET THE MOVIE BEGIN!"

The movie was unexpectedly scary and bloody. A lot of jumpscares, deaths, and even a suicide scene. It had a lot of drama, suspense, and awful screams. It was... beautiful, in its own way. And (Y/N) was truly enjoying it, smiling wider with each scene it passed. I never thought she would be the horror type movie, but hey, I don't judge. Horror isn't that bad, I'm just not a huge fan. 

My bro, on the other hand. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Papyrus, don't worry, it's just a -"

"OH MY GOD, THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!"

As a big brother trying to keep my bro's innocence, I shouldn't have let him watch horror movies in the first place. But he's conscious that nothing's real, that it's just a movie, and he's mature enough to understand some terms. Besides, Papyrus it's fun to watch when he's scared like this...

"Maybe... it wasn't a good idea to watch that-"

"NO! IT'S FINE! I JUST... FREAKED OUT FOR A MOMENT! YEAH! I'M NOT SCARED OF- AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Was it too cruel to end up laughing way too hard? 

Papyrus just gave me a playful death glare and (Y/N) giggled a bit. At the end of the movie, though...

"what the-"

...

I screamed.

...

And they laughed. 

"OH MY GOD, YOUR EXPRESSION WAS HILARIOUS, BROTHER!"

I embarrassed myself in what I wasn't supposed to be scared with: a stupid horror movie. It wasn't that loud, but it was pretty noticeable. So, in the end, I felt more stupid than Papyrus should have felt. And (Y/N) was probably enjoying herself way too much, slightly amazed by our reactions. 

"It wasn't even that scary..."

Yeah, sure. It was horrible! How can someone be so calm with this kind of things happening? However, instead of starting making conclusions again, I thought that maybe she has watched the movie so many times there's no way this could be scary for her anymore. 

After watching two horror movies, we decided that turning off the TV was the best option. Papyrus brought some board games to the table and told (Y/N) to pick anything she would like to play. 

"WE HAVE MONOPOLY, UNO, RISK, DUNGEONS N'... WAIT, IGNORE THAT ONE!"

Oh shit, I forgot to hide Dungeons N' Dragons. 

"Were you about to say... Dungeons N' Dragons...?"

"OH MY GOD HUMAN, PLEASE DON'T THINK LESS OF US! WE JUST HAVE IT BECAUSE, UH..."

"we just have it 'cause of a... fri- no, uh..."

Ok, so Paps and I were acting pretty stupid at this point. He was having a panic attack and I tried my best to protect our image from being nerdy, but... was there really any good excuse? Besides, I am practically a nerd myself, and it isn't hard for me to admit it, but my bro... he can't tolerate being called an antisocial nerd when he isn't one. 

"I, uh... I like the game, actually. So there's no... there's nothing to be ashamed for, you know? I mean, I... uh..."

Wait, WHAT?!

"OH, YOU DO?"

"really?"

She nodded with a smile and even suggested to play the game at that precise moment. Paps and I looked at each other for a brief second, then shrugged with confusion. We settled the game and started to play, enjoying ourselves almost instantly. We all laughed with some references exclusive of the game and suffered by our own strategic moves. (Y/N), as expected, was as good as she was on Monopoly. She had good strategies, good moves and, overall, good administration.

The only thing she didn't have was luck. 

"Oh c' mon! Another two?!"

If the dice it's not with you, then you are lost; as simple as that. At first, she was doing well, but now... it was almost like a curse. 

In the meanwhile, my mind started to wonder if someone so deliberate and nerdy can actually be a murderer. If her sole purpose was to kill, why she's still playing with us? She could have easily kill Papyrus in the kitchen... but she didn't. 

It was then when I realized that I was wrong. 

Not only that gave it away, but also how... relatable she is to me now. 

Maybe...

Maybe I shouldn't have judged her. 

"Yay, I won!"

How can someone so open to help and to accept others be a murderer? 

Now that I think about it, I never knew Frisk's opinion of monsters when she was Underground. However, I do know that (Y/N)'s opinion about us is positive. I mean, she's our freaking ambassador! 

After that intense and silly round of Dungeons N' Dragons, she had to go.

"BUT HUMAN! YOU COULD STAY OVER AND SLEEP HERE TONIGHT!"

"I'm sorry Papyrus, I have some business I need to attend to. I... can come whenever you want me, though... justwhenimnotinworkofcourse"

Papyrus let out a sigh, feeling really disappointed. I, on the other hand, decided to distract myself with helping her get the few things she brought... one of them being her phone. 

"Oh my God, where the f... frick it's my freaking phone?!"

I chuckled lightly as I went over to help her. I dialed her number but the ringtone never sounded. She freaked out more, returning at that nervous girl she's at first sight. I looked over the couch when its tentative green color seduced me. 

"oh no, not right now..."

I glanced over its comfy surface for some good minutes, getting more and more hypnotized by its view. It's just perfect. 

And so I lost myself. 

"SANS, YOU LAZYBONES! YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO HELP THE HUMAN! WHY ARE YOU LAYING ON THE COUCH?!"

"papyrus, you don't understand-"

"SANS! STOP YOUR DRAMA!"

"i just want my life as it was... just me and her" I faked a sob, which made Papy groan. 

"SANS, OH MY GOD, SHUT UP!"

"but she... she's everything to me!"

"HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE COUCH IS A FEMALE?!"

"you can say i can feel it..."

"SANS. "

"in my bones"

It was no long after I had a confused human looking over me with a phone in her hand. She had one of her eyebrows raised and her head slightly tilted. I laughed, not sure how much of my dramatic episode she saw. 

"I... am I interrupting something?"

I laughed way louder as she smirked, Papyrus groaning at me being as lazy as ever. I stood up soon after that, however, since I knew she was already heading off. No matter how many times I told her not to worry, she thanked us for receiving her today. I'm glad she enjoyed her stay, yes, but I don't want her to feel obligated to thank us every day for something so silly. 

She let out a happy sigh and waved goodbye as she closed the door. And so the silence filled the room, myself suddenly remembering none of my parents were there tonight. I sighed, feeling like the old times in the Underground. It was just Papyrus and this old sack of bones. They were never there, and they'll probably never be. At least, not for us, but for themselves. 

"UH, BROTHER?" My bro interrupted my thoughts, playing with his fingers discretely. Huh? 

"what's up?"

"CAN WE TALK?"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Papyrus's POV*

As I was telling the human some of my wildest adventures in the Underground, I couldn't help but glance at my brother. She, being an observant and curious creature, noticed something was off. 

"Papyrus, is there anything wrong?"

"WELL, HUMAN, IT'S NOT LIKE ITS RECENT. IT'S JUST... I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY BROTHER"

"Is there something bugging him?"

"NOT EXACTLY, IT'S JUST... CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?"

She looked at me in confusion but quickly replaced it with a smile, and intertwined our pinky fingers as a reminder of her promise. I let out my characteristic laugh, of course, and she giggled softly. 

"SO SANS HAS THIS PROBLEM SINCE A WHILE AGO, HUMAN..." I made a pause, feeling so irritated like that day I found out. She gave me a light pat on my right shoulder, and so I continued more confident. 

"HE'S BEEN DEALING WITH THIS STUFF THAT THE DOCTOR CALLS 'DEPRESSION' SINCE LIKE A YEAR AGO"

Then suddenly, her eyes widened in shock. I asked her what was wrong but she only shook her head, giving me another smile. I let it be because it couldn't have been anything that important if she just waved it off. 

"Is he in treatment?" She asked with a worried look on her face, which I really appreciate. She understands how much this means to me as a brother, and I'm happy she's so understandable. 

"HE WAS. BUT NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF HE SHOULD TAKE A BETTER TREATMENT, CONSIDERING THE DOCTORS IN THE UNDERGROUND WEREN'T THAT GREAT WITH MY BROTHER"

She hummed in understanding and closed her eyes for a bit, then looked at me with a slight frown. 

"You should go see a psychiatrist, then"

"A PSYCHIATRIST? WHAT'S THAT?"

"It's a doctor that helps specifically with this kind of problems, depression overall. I'm sure that, if you find the correct person, it would help Sans a lot. You could also go to a psychologist, but that's not a doctor"

"OH REALLY? THEN WHAT IS A PSYCHOLOGIST?"

"It's a person that puts its patients into therapy, normally talking about their problems and getting some activities to do. All of this, in order to get through problems like depression"

"I SEE! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, APPRECIATES YOUR SUGGESTIONS! YOU BET I WILL FIND ONE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!"

She let out a giggle and smiled again, wider than all those times. She surely felt good for being able to help, since I always feel like that whenever I help someone, more if it is Sans. He has been the only familiar figure I can rely on, and so I want him to feel the same. I know he doesn't get well with our parents, especially our father, and so I want to help him out with this. 

"Hey, Papyrus?" She quietly said, her voice almost breaking down. 

"YES, HUMAN?"

"Please take care of Sans"

I stared at her in confusion, and she just let out a loud and genuine laugh. She then told me to forget she even said anything, but for some reason, I couldn't erase that from my mind. Then I smiled, remembering all those times I had to look out for Sans being all stupid in Snowdin. I laughed as well, and we ended up being a laughing fit as we put the popcorn in the microwave. 

She's a good human, just like Frisk. She's comprehensible and accessible to everyone. She's kind and, based on her age, more experienced than the younger human. Any suggestion she has to give me will be pretty wise, I bet. She's as smart as Sans, who never admits it. She's so similar to him, actually. Always wearing a smile and never admitting how good they are...

I wonder how difficult it must be to them. 

I, on the other hand, know I'm very great. Why are they unable to see the same on themselves?

That's why I will search for the best psychiatrist in town- to know my brother better! 

"UH, BROTHER?" I asked cautiously, gaining my brother's interest almost immediately. 

"what's up?" he lazily responded as he always does. 

"CAN WE TALK?"

He froze for a bit and gave me that same stare the older human gave when I told her Sans's problem. And, just like her, he shook his head and gave me his usual smile. I continued, feeling more confident than ever to do this for us. For him. 

"I WAS ASKING THE HUMAN A FEW THINGS IN THE AFTERNOON, AND IT TURNS OUT THERE ARE SPECIALISTS OUT THERE THAT CAN HELP WITH YOUR PROBLEM! I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE WE CAN GO TOMORROW TO MEET ONE!"

My brother stood there silently, his thoughts being a mystery to me like they always have been. Then he gave a quite grateful smile to the door, like if he was telling it that secret. Then he looked at me, the lights in his eyesockets shining brighter and his lazy smile turning into an excited one. 

"sure thing bro, let's give it a shot"


	14. I'm sad because I'm depressed and I'm depressed because I'm sad.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans gets diagnosed and... sad.

*Sans's POV*

"Do you, by any instance, have suicidal thoughts?"

"i... not that often"

"But you have?"

"i would be lying if i say no"

Papyrus asked (Y/N) yesterday God-knows-what and he ended up knowing what a psychiatrist and a psychologist are, and here I am, talking with a psychiatrist. My brother said that it would be better if I had a new treatment started by a professional on the topic and not by a random monster that calls itself a doctor. Considering that in the Underground we only had general doctors, it was difficult to talk about these matters and get the help needed. Therefore, this seemed like a better option. 

Papy spent the night (and this morning) looking for the best option to me, considering that discrimination it's still present. And so he went, asking multiple people if they were open to listen a depressing skeleton being depressed (he obviously didn't say it that way... I think). And so he finally found someone willing to help me, and we head off as soon as possible (hell, we didn't even eat... should I say I'm hungry?)

"Do you have a specific plan to commit suicide, Sans?"

"uh... no?"

"YOU DON'T SOUND SO SURE, BROTHER"

"it's just... i haven't thought about it that deeply. i just sometimes think that i want to disappear and that's it. no idea how, no idea when. just disappear. 

"I see..."

The old man went over his little notebook and wrote something down. He was bald and had a white beard almost as pale as my skull, and had a sternum and serious look behind his rectangular glasses. He would be intimidating... if he wasn't a psychiatrist willing to help a monster. How bad could this man possibly be?

"Sans, do you sleep well? And I mean at nights"

"no, sir. i haven't been sleeping well since last year. i mean, i can easily fall asleep, but it's difficult to me to stay that way."

"I see, do you nap at day?"

"heh, a lot if you ask my brother"

"Ok..."

I freaked out for a moment, returning to an odd silence only filled by the sound of his pen writing down my weirdness. I became nervous, not knowing what he was going to ask next. But, honestly, I've been kind of unused to these unpredictable events the Surface has to bring. I was used to hearing the same dialogues and to say the same jokes, but know... everything it's fresh and new. It's scary, but quite a reliever. 

"Ok Sans, do you by any chance have any specific dreams or nightmares?"

I froze and cough out the water I was drinking in shock. A quick flashback of the "Genocide Run" went all over my mind, the part of my brother dying repeating itself horribly. The empty look of that kid, the Judgement Hall being my new space... the kid giving up and resetting in front of my eyes, not before giving me a vengeful look. 

"Sans? It's okay if you don't want to talk about it yet, but I need to know..."

I sighed, knowing that it was for the best. If I want to enjoy the future, I have to get rid of this fucking trauma. 

"i... i do have specific dreams, sir. nightmares, actually. i... i don't want to mention them right now"

Papyrus let out a sigh in disappointment and I gave him a weak smile. I know he always wanted to know what's on my mind... but I just couldn't tell him at that moment. He smiled back to me, making me feel less pressured. 

"Don't worry, Sans. We'll go step by step, no need to run all over the details. Still, the fact that you've been having constant nightmares of the same topic it's quite alarming, that's why I needed to know"

He then picked a piece of paper and scribbled some things down. 

"This is for the drug store..."

He picked another one, not before drawing a small asterisk on the top. 

"And this one is for you"

He then gave me the two pieces of paper and I glanced over them with Papyrus, curious about the medicines. 

"In order to deal with your depression, Sans, you'll take a pill of Prozac (or fluoxetine) every morning, okay? I'll determine later for how much time"

We nodded, then glanced again at the paper, reading the next medicament. 

"For your insomnia, Sans, you'll take a pill Restoril (or temazepam) every night before going to sleep. This is one of the best pills to not only falling asleep but also keeping you that way"

Before I could even nod, I noticed an uneasy look in the doc's face. I raised an... eyebrow, startling him for a second. 

"I'm sorry" he stated, then sighed. 

"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG, DOCTOR?"

"Nothing it's just... the fact that Sans is having constant nightmares worries me. Do you also have constant flashbacks of said events?"

I slowly nodded, and his face got worst. 

"DOCTOR? IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?"

"No, it's just... it breaks my heart to know that the Underground may not have been a better place than the Surface"

A better place?

"what do you mean, sir?"

"..."

He just sighed and gave me an apologetic smile, trying his best not to break down. I noticed he was on the edge of tears, and I felt panic running all over my body. 

"Sans, there's a high chance you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or for short, PTSD"

"PTSD?"

"Yes, it's kind of a serious condition to deal with. It shows that Sans had a really traumatic event in his life, and it may seem impossible for him to have a normal life with all the fear he gained from that moment. Or am I wrong, Sans?"

I shook my head, and he gave me a sad smile. Just as he said, just as it is. I never thought it would be that serious, though. 

"You'll take Zoloft (or sertraline) for that, Sans... but I also recommend you to go to a psychologist. I can directly put you an appointment with a friend of mine if that's what you want. What do you say? He'll be more than open to hearing your case"

Papyrus nodded excitedly, while I was not too sure. I felt like my normal balance would break down if I started to go to therapy... but then I looked to Papyrus again. I don't want him all worried about me, I want him to have a normal life. And for that, I also need to form a normal life myself. 

"sure, may we have the address?"

"Sure, I'll give you an e-mail with it"

We gave the doctor a quick goodbye and a thank you, then head off to our home. I insisted to Papyrus that we could eat something first and relax, then go to the drug store. He groaned slightly and muttered a "lazybones" but took my offer. 

When we arrived, though...

"Hello, my children! Where were you?"

Oh fuck. 

I glanced over the living room and saw our small group of friends gathered cozily, including an almost smashed (Y/N), an annoying flower screaming, a suspiciously staring father, and more! 

...I gulped, knowing I could never say the truth. (Y/N) is a new person in my life, the flower is a bitch, my father is another bitch, Undyne doesn't take anything seriously, Alphys takes everything seriously, Frisk is a dirty betrayer, Toriel worries too much, Asgore would go and make everyone check themselves with the therapist, Mettaton would go and check himself with a therapist, Napstablook would feel all sorry, and Arial would be highly disappointed. 

...

Saying the truth sounds pretty awful at this point. 

"OH, WE WERE AT THE DOCTOR, MOTHER!"

Oh crap

Papyrus seemed to notice my signal of begging help and came to the rescue immediately, never mentioning anything about a psychiatrist. 

"SANS, BEING ALL STUPID, GOT SOMETHING STUCK IN HIS CHEST AGAIN!"

Ouch. 

"yep. guess i need some spare ribs at this point, huh?"

Everyone groaned and so I successfully got away from the problem. I tried my best to keep my cool, but I easily spaced out a couple of times and ended up startling myself. They were doing rounds in Super Mario Bros., and (Y/N) seemed to be an expert on it, considering she was on World 6. 

"Oh c' mon, when are you going to die?!" Flowey annoyingly exclaimed, foreshadowing a bit. I almost smacked him over before I saw Toriel's face, then I lost myself again on the videogame. 

(Y/N) continued playing until arriving at the final castle. Surprising, to say the least. Everyone else was getting enthusiastic about her defeat, but it never happened. Instead, (Y/N) went to play all over again, making everyone groan. 

"Oh my God, let us play as well!" Undyne roared, giving a death glare to the older human. 

"You said you wanted me to prove how good I am..." She innocently answered, putting the controller aside. 

"Ok, you've already proven yourself. Now, please, give us a chance this time" Frisk sighed in defeat, feeling vulnerable and probably fooled.

"Ok!" (Y/N) cheerily got up from the couch, then waved at Papyrus and me "Hi guys! Anything serious happened?"

Shit. 

"IT'S NOTHING THAT CAN'T BE HANDLED, HUMAN!"

"I'm glad, how do you feel Sans?" She looked at me worried and made me feel like the worst person on Earth. 

A huge part of me wanted to say the truth and confess my problems at that moment, but that was me feeling horrible. I always hated lying, but that's what my life has come to. At this point, I can barely feel sorry for lying...

Except on this topic. 

I've always been sensitive with this stuff, and that's how Papyrus ended up knowing. It has become something really messed up that I want to let all the people I care about that I'm not okay. I want them to help me feel complete again. To feel safe. To have hope. 

"Sans?"

"HUMAN... SANS... IS IT OKAY FOR YOU IF I TELL HER WHAT'S GOING ON? I TOLD HER SOME THINGS YESTERDAY AND SHE WAS REALLY COMPREHENSIBLE. BESIDES, MAYBE SHE CAN HELP US MORE WITH THE SUBJECT!"

I glanced over her, and she gave me a small and recomforting smile. Out of all the people, I never knew she would be one of those who know what's going on. 

"If you don't want me to, Sans, I understand. Just know I'm here to support all of you, ok? And don't take that as an associate... but as a friend. I'm more than willing to help you out in any way I can... but that depends on you"

A deep pain went all over my soul, but then I nodded. If she was so understanding as Papyrus said she was when she heard what problem I have... maybe telling her a bit of detail won't hurt. 

"we'll tell ya later, ok? now it's a little bit crowded"

"I understand, thanks for trusting me"

"thanks to you, kiddo"

Thanks to you...

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

It was a while after the small gathering ended, everyone having to go earlier than expected. I already attended my work-hunting business and find a convincing and small company. I sent them an e-mail, and so I'm waiting for them to text me back. But for now, more important things were on my head. 

I feel really sorry about Sans's case, and how desperate Papyrus seemed yesterday when he told all about it. I suffer from some things as well, and I know it isn't easy. It's never easy to deal with yourself...

"HUMAN, SANS, SHALL WE DISCUSS NOW OUR LITTLE SECRET?"

Sans chuckled a bit and I nodded, preparing myself from what I was about to hear. 

"OK, SO... YOU REMEMBER THE TALK WE HAD YESTERDAY, RIGHT HUMAN?!"

I nodded again, and he smiled and reassured his brother that he was in good hands. I giggled softly, and the short skeleton just scratched the back of his head out in embarrassment. 

"I FOLLOWED YOUR ADVICE, AND I TOOK SANS TO THE MOST ACCESSIBLE PSYCHIATRIST I COULD!"

I smiled, glad that Sans accepted any help. 

"What did the doctor diagnosed you, Sans?" I asked, hoping he would be the one answering me this time. After all, this is Sans's main problem, not Papyrus's. He tensed up a little but quickly relaxed as he remembered the presence of his brother there. He took enough courage silently, then spoke with that characteristic deep voice of his. 

"depression, insomnia, and... well, something called ptsd, which is-"

"PTSD?!" I interrupted abruptly, not believing what my ears just heard. Sans having depression is hard to admit, but PTSD? Oh lord, what has this poor guy endured in his young life?

"uh... yeah, i... eh..."

Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. 

"Nonono, don't think that way, Sans. It's just... a bit surprising, coming for you. I never expected you to have such a problem, but I guess appearance is quite a bi... beach."

"BEACH?"

"Uh, yeah..." Please come with a good excuse, (Y/N) "You know, beaches may be all pretty on the photos, but the dangerous creatures and natural phenomenons they bring show that they are not that perfect. I guess that's the same for Sans. He easily can go on and hide perfectly with jokes and laughs, but that doesn't mean he's that careless nor happy on the inside... sorry for putting you that way, Sans"

"it's okay kid, i think i get it" he jokingly winked at me, noticing what I was going to say at first. I sighed, feeling pretty stupid at this point.

"Anyways... what has the doctor prescribed you, Sans?"

"this thing called 'prozac', another one called 'restoril' and the last one being 'zoloft'..."

Huh, I have all of those at home. 

Maybe I can give him some, considering I have a ton of them...

"HUMAN! SANS MAY BE ON TREATMENT AND ALL, BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK LESS OF HIM! HE'S AN EXCELLENT MONSTER, EVEN IF HE'S WAY TOO LAZY, BUT HE'S A GOOD BROTHER!"

I saw a slight hint of blue hue spread all over Sans's cheekbones, and I assumed it was blush. I smiled softly, knowing that would be the kind of brothership I would want. Instead, I had the goddamn curse to have no brothers or sisters, and here I am. Alone. 

"I would never think less of anyone by this reason, Papyrus" Then I came up with a wild idea, but that mind instantly approved. My smile grew bigger, and I continued "Actually, now that you're confessing me something quite touchy... I guess I should do the same. It may help you to feel a bit more comfortable, Sans"

He raised an eyebrow and I returned to my soft and small smile, preparing myself... 

Now that I was thinking about it, it was a bad idea. It was a bad idea to show my weak points, to show my problems, and to show how vulnerable I actually am. But that didn't stop me. And it will never do. 

"I... besides from dealing with, well, anxiety, I also suffer from depression..." His eyes widened and tensed up, staring at me with the same shock I felt when he mentioned PTSD. I continued "I have insomnia as well, and... a psychiatrist said I probably had PTSD, considering some constant dreams I have..."

"i... how?"

What?

"i mean, how can you have all those things and still want to help others instead of yourself?"

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Then I sighed with a smile on my face, trying to feel as confident as I could. 

"Making others happy is what makes me happy, Sans. And that's what I need the most..."

"To be happy"


	15. Isn't that punderful?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Depression puns. Not more words.

*Your POV* 

Something that still surprises me is the simplicity that the Underground people had in their daily lives. It was like living in a small town, where everyone knew everybody. Kids would go walking from their home to school and return safely, never fearing to be attacked by anyone. Because they knew them perfectly, and they knew them as well. 

I've been learning that recently, hearing Asgore's stories. And thanks to all those generations and all those hidden memories, we could finally create one of the projects I was more eager to make: the Underground history book. 

I must say that I had a lot of support on this project by a lot of people, either monsters or humans. Gaster provided me his scientific researches, Alphys and (surprisingly) Sans did as well. The three of them had an important role in the lab, but Gaster was the main Royal Scientist. Still, they all contributed with some information, making me understand the concept of souls and magic better. 

Toriel got to meet and protect the eight humans that fell into the Underground, and that was really useful to establish how The Barrier was broken and why it was needed to be that way. 

And well, every civilian helped me to know a general idea of how the Underground was: awful but full of hopeful people. 

The most interesting part, or should I say person, it's Gerson: monster-turtle that has been living for a ton of years, and that was an important warrior in the war. He was alive before Asgore was even born! And so I spent some good hours talking to him...

"What... what was the name of your King when the war happened?"

"Reynor. Reynor Dreemurr, the great-grandfather of Fluffybuns"

"Fluffybuns?"

"Oh, hahaha! I mean Asgore, it's just a silly nickname I gave him! Don't mind this old man, hahaha!"

I smiled remembering that talk we had, being full of charm and comedy (from Gerson's part, of course. I'm no good at jokes). Monsters normally have the same age structure as humans do (years have 365 days usually, they turn one year older after that specific amount of days, etc.). That means that one human year is equal to one monster year: there's no difference at all. 

And just like turtles, Gerson has lived a lot of years. According to his exceptional memory (that surprises me a lot, mine being not able to remember what I ate yesterday), the war happened three hundred and twenty-one years ago, and it ended three hundred and nineteen years ago. He was just a young warrior when that happened, he being in his mid-twenties (just as I am right now, yay! ...I need to concentrate). 

Reyson Dreemurr lived a ton of years as well and married at a very old age. That explains mostly why there hasn't been a lot of Dreemurr generations after the war. The interesting fact, though, is that the eight human children fell into the Underground during Asgore's commandment, none of them before him. 

"Those eight buckos, including the Prince Chara, fell into the Underground probably because the legends were starting to fade, young lady"

"So you are insinuating that people took the story as a joke, especially the kids?"

"Yep, like a bedtime story... just like us, isn't that right? Hahaha!"

Gerson was right: monsters were almost recently taken as fantastic creatures, as myths, and nonexistent. In all honesty, I considered them that as well. But if I was living in Ebott City since I was a kid, maybe it would have been different. 

...

Maybe.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I was on the Prince Chara's place... and no, I don't mean in his current place, but to actually have Toriel and Asgore as parents and have a goat brother. I wonder how it could have been to go to school with the young monsters I know, or if I would ever babysit Papyrus and help him with homework. It...

It sounds like a good life, honestly. 

Way better than mine, at least.

But I realize that, even if that would have happened, life wouldn't be full of roses and glitter (that idea doesn't sound appetizing either). And I know it's rude to talk like this, but Sans's case is a pure proof of what I'm trying to imply. But maybe there was something in his life that made him different...

After all, he has PTSD.

God, I sound like a jerk. 

I mean, I have PTSD as well, so... there's no difference between his case and mine. The only important thing is that his painful past happened in the Underground, the "simple town" I was describing so cheerily five seconds ago. My painful past happened in the Surface, the place all of them cherished for years. 

So even if we can go on and live in Perfection Land, our lives will never be perfect. Mine, for example, was shitty and uninteresting before they came. And I only have a general perspective of their lives, but I don't know them deeply...

And we return to why monsters are so similar to us: because they have a story behind that smile. And not all people will know that story. And that includes me.

Depression is an easy topic to talk about if you find a person with the same thing. However, the reasons behind it it's the difficult part since that's what actually shows your vulnerability. So yeah, when you already have it diagnosed it's easy to tell others "Hey, I have depression!", but to tell them why or when it started it's technically telling them your story. 

And when you can't tell your story and neither can cry about it, then what's the matter in feeling like not saying it? Just scream that you have depression and, well, the rest will come later...

You: Hi Sans! 

Sans: hello kid

Sans: how ya been?

You: Good good, how are you feeling?

Sans: eh, i guess i'm fine

Sans: not that i'm depressed or anything  
~

Heh.

There's no difference between his case and mine. 

You: Yeah, I know how it feels

Sans: to be depressed all the time?

You: Sans

You: I'm even depressed right now

Sans: huh

Sans: then u need someone raisin your spirits often?  
~

And he just sent an image of a raisin.

Great.

You: Sans, you are awful

Sans: hey, whaddya mean?

Sans: i put my heart in it

You: Well

You: Thanks to you, I have no raisin to continue living

You: You jerk

Sans: oh my god, i'm sorry

Sans: i never meant to make your pain more...

Sans: unpearable

You: Nah, don't sweat it

You: My life was already a peach of shit  
~

I laughed way too hard when I saw Sans calling me after that lame pun. It took me a while before gaining my breath and finally accepting his offer. 

"Hello?" I asked in a fancy tone, like if I didn't know who was calling.

"hello, ma'am. may i have a word with you before i can let you live your slow death in peace?" he replied with the same fancy tone I used, and I instantly burst out in laughter, he following me immediately.

"Sans, why are you calling me?" 

"to congratulate ya. you have my respects now"

"What are you even talking about?!"

"not everyone can joke about wanting to die, ya know" he let out a laugh, then continued "and less using puns"

Well, he's right, I guess.

"Sans, just end the call already"

"ok"

He just remained silent, but the call still continued. I stared at the phone with a silly smile on my face, then I groaned silently. I heard him chuckling at my reaction, then he said he will never hang up, which was bullshit since he hung up five seconds after saying that. 

Sans: are u there?

You: No.

Sans: rude

Sans: i just wanted to say hi

You: That's the biggest lie I've heard in a while

Sans: what?

Sans: can't a skeleton cover his crippling depression?

You: Oh c' mon

You: Don't go all meloncholic over me

Sans: wow, another food pun?

Sans: please berry me alive before the world ends

You: Do you know what food I would be if I got to choose?

Sans: ?

You: A donut, 'cause I'm empty inside

Sans: same

Sans: i donut see the point in living anymore  
~

Is it necessary to say I was having the time of my life? You can't tell depression jokes to everyone and having a partner to do so felt amazing. Medicine and therapy? More like jokes and puns!

Sans: do you want a tip to deal with depression?

You: I hear you

Sans: drink coffee

You: really?

Sans: yeah

Sans: expresso expresso, no more depresso!  
~

And you bet I laughed, mostly because I drink coffee every day. Maybe I should start ordering expresso though. 

You: Oh my God 

You: PEMDAS

Sans: pemdas?

You: Please End My Depression And Suffering  
~

And Sans called me again, only to hear him dying of laughter. We ended up telling more jokes all over the phone instead of chatting, him not caring about his brother hearing. Then we both went to tell darker jokes and really cruel stuff that a depressed person would joke about... just like us.

So I really don't understand why I take my problem as something humerus, but if one thing I've learned through all these years dealing with the same things is that crying is horribly useless. And people say that laughter is the best medicine, so I'm technically helping myself and, of course, Sans. 

But hey, life hasn't been that bad lately. I was admitted to have a job interview (which I'll have tomorrow) in that small company, and I have more reasons to wake up and do things of my own. And I've been trying to put myself into drinking pills again, even if I don't like the fact that my mood depends on some medicines. 

Talking about medicines...

"Hey Sans, do you have the pills you need already?"

"eh..." Oh he doesn't "crap, i forgot to go to the drug store yesterday"

Knew it. 

"Well, I can gift you some if you want to. I have some spare pills here in my drawer, and I think I have the same medicaments the doctor prescribed you"

"that would be nice, but are you sure you want to bother yourself? besides, they are not that cheap, kid..." he had this slight hint of doubt in his voice, which made me smile gently.

"Eh, consider it as a present" I simply answered while I shrugged, even if he couldn't see me doing so. 

"kid, if i'm gonna take the pills, then..." he made a long pause, then he sighed sadly "can you promise me something?"

Promise?

"It... depends"

"kid, you need to take care of yourself as well" he startled me a bit, and he somehow noticed how taken aback I was "if it wasn't for papyrus, i would probably have killed myself by now. so i just want to tell ya that you don't have to deal with this alone. it must suck being alone with the crap of your head all the time. so whenever you want to talk about, well, anything... you have me here, kid. and paps is more than open to help as well"

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. 

...

Shit. 

"Hey, thank you. It means a lot to me"

"no probllama"

Seriously-

"An animal pun? Really?" I stopped right there, then I smiled "You've cat to be kitten me"

"i'm sorry, i didn't do it on porpoise"

"That's the sealiest joke I've ever heard"

"i never asked you to let minnow what you think"

"You're giraffing me crazy"

"nah, you're lion"

And so all seriousness disappeared and the puns were all over our conversation. I'm not that good on them, but Sans is clearly experienced with them. I'm better telling jokes of dark humor than silly animal puns. Still, I tried to keep 'em going. 

"oh, by the way, papyrus says hi"

"Tell him I say hi as well"

"shore thing, (y/n)"

"I sea what you did there"

And after a few minutes, the call ended, me remembering that I had to give Sans the pills before the day was over. Or well, Papyrus remembering me all over the phone, screaming to his brother to go to the drug store before he dragged him himself (savage). 

I took a skele-ton of pills and put them in my laptop's briefcase (since I'm too poor to buy a Gucci bag), then I ran to the bathroom to check myself in the mirror. Decent hair, no rests of make-up... perfect. I dragged a pink hoodie (because why not) that said: "Yes, I'm CUTE: Cringy Ugly Terrible Empty", some simple black shoes and I left my apartment behind... not before going back to grab my almost forgotten briefcase. 

I took the subway and put my headphones on, forgetting the rest of the world while I heard some Nirvana music. Yep, this is who I've become: a young adult that takes the train every single day of her life and puts on music all the trip, trying to dismiss my problems. 

What a good life. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Arial's POV*

I heard some lively and deep laughter coming from Sans's room, my older child. I wanted to go on and check on him, but... does he really wants me there with him? I haven't been the best mother for my two children, especially for him, so... I let it be. 

Sighing desperately, I went over the kitchen to see if I could do something, anything, with my time. I wasn't at home often in the Underground, so cooking isn't my strength. But if I really want to become a normal mother for them, then I had to start making dinner. I sighed again, knowing this was never the life I wanted out in the Surface. 

I know this is really selfish to say, but I genuinely preferred my life down there. I was part of the Royal Guard (as a secretary mostly) and one of the most important roles in the Kingdom. I'll always let the King now if there was any problem at the schools, or if there was any planning of a protest. On weekends, my husband and I would sometimes have fun like our teenager times, or I would casually (and awkwardly when Sans grew older) visit the kids. 

...it would be pretty stupid for me not to know what I did wrong. Sans trusted us, and he once felt happy when he was around us. But we treated them as only a partial company, and now he's angry and almost mad. Now he doesn't trust us anymore, and Papyrus is trying. We were never parents to our smaller child... but to Sans, we once were. And that's why he's the most hurt.

I first became a mother when I was sixteen years old and Gaster eighteen. It's unnecessary to say it was an accident, but I was too scared to try this method called "abortion", which was recently adopted in the Underground at that time. Gaster was afraid that our new son could ruin our professional lives, but he recognized himself that the abortion wasn't secure. And so I gave birth to Sans, which I don't know if it was the best for him. I haven't given him the life he deserves, and I deeply regret being too young and too stupid to not understand how beautiful the role of a mother can be. I've seen how Toriel treated her boys and how now she treats her girl, and I can't help but admire her for being brave enough to sacrifice everything she dreamed of and decided to make THEIR dreams come true. 

But instead, I choose to make my ideal life come true. Because I never wanted any children... not until Papyrus, I guess. That was seven years after being responsible for Sans, just when I told myself I should be a better mother, and so I felt forced to have another one to take care of. 

I, however... never got to be the responsible mom I wanted to be deep inside of me. And so Sans had another problem: taking care of his little brother...

There...

There was even some time that I COMPLETELY forgot about their existence...

I just remember that, after realizing I had children, Sans started to hate me. He was overprotective (and he still is) over Papyrus, and whenever I tried to make him understand, he would say "you should not waste your words into lies". 

Can... 

Can I have a chance to be a good mother, even if now my grown son is twenty-two years old?

I...

Before breaking down in tears in the kitchen, I heard Papyrus running unheavenly fast through the door, then I heard a familiar feminine voice. That voice was not more and not less than the one of our dear ambassador, (Y/N) (L/N). She greeted him as kind as she's ever been, and he exclaimed happily how honored he was to have her in our home. She laughed politely, then Sans teleported to the living room, talking in an enthusiastic tone I haven't heard from him in years. I should have felt good, but it wasn't for me who he was happy for. It was her. 

I...

I mean, she could get his trust faster than I'll ever be capable of. 

I... 

I don't know what to think. 

She waved at me discretely with a lovely smile, and I felt more like crying. She's young and making her dreams come true because she was smart enough. She planned her future perfectly, and here she is: healthy, a bright future reflected in her eyes, and a beautiful heart and energy that both the kids admire. 

I saw how (Y/N) gave Sans some... medicaments, I think, and he thanked her with a smile he never gave me. They joked a bit and Papyrus groaned playfully, then all of them went into a fit full of laughter. 

"OH (Y/N)! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, ENJOYS YOUR COMPANY A LOT! AND I BET SANS DOES AS WELL! WE'RE TRULY HONORED TO HAVE YOU HERE, YOUNG LADY!"

Yes, he's a wonderful child, but I can't be proud of him. 

Because I didn't raise him...

Sans did.


	16. Things will change, I promise.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Depressive dreams and a cooking session... what could possibly go wrong?

*Your POV*

I was floating in the middle of a dark place which had no beginning and no end. There's nothing I can see except for myself, which I surprisingly can see clearly, defying the logic of the darkness itself. Does my body emit a certain light that only covers me? I don't know. I only feel like floating, and the only thing I'm sure about is that I'm alone, like every day. I don't let out a scream of fear, because I know perfectly where I am. I've been here one thousand times before and is all the same. It'll always be. 

Suddenly, images start to become closer around me, leaving me with no possibility of escaping. I recognize those bright colors immediately because those are images from my memory. From my past. From my soul. My eyes focused on the lively eyes I had when I was a child, and the genuine smile I'll never have again. I don't try to close my eyes, because I've seen all these things before, and there's nothing I don't know about them. 

Then some whispers filled the silence, soonly becoming shouts of desperation, pitiful laments, and heartbreaking cries. Some of them scream my name out loud, while others are coming from my own. They were so loud that my ears felt like bleeding and threatened to make turn deaf. I, however, don't try to cover them, because I knew there's no use trying. 

It all disappeared before I could become mad. The once unbearable sounds were now replaced by a dangerously deafening silence, and my eyes were not used to the newly found darkness just yet. 

Before I could process anything, there was a child in front of me. Not any child, but one I'm familiar with. How not to know who you once were? How not to recognize them? That child was (Y/N) (L/N), the first of all my personalities. Shy, reserved, happy, and sweet. A laid-back girl with an optimistic attitude. I tried to reach her, even if I already knew it was useless. I wanted to tell her that, whatever obstacles the life may bring, she needed to continue strong. That, of course, she never heard it. She disappeared shortly after coming, her enthusiastic smile leaving me behind. 

I stood there, alone with my thoughts. I became afraid, like every time this happened. I was scared of not knowing who I was now, or who I'll ever be. I know me because I've spent too much time on my own, and the only thing I have in this world is my body. My past, my future, my present... all of those things have disappeared. They are not real. Only my undecent hair, my sad eyes, my marked arms, and my pained back are real. Only my body is here with me. 

But I?

Oh, I've never been here. 

And I'll never be. 

Because I have lost myself a long ago. 

It popped up, then, a fifteen years old girl. It's not difficult to decipher what she's feeling. The nostalgy is present in her eyes, the bruises on her arms are more than evident, and how she hugged herself revealed the fear about how uncertain the future will be to her. I didn't try to reach her, because I already knew it was too late. And, with tears rolling down her cheeks, she disappeared as well. And I was left alone. Again. 

I gently landed on a surreal "floor" that was just as dark as the rest of the world. Except for the dark red liquid that my feet were touching, that was as clear as the rest of my body. Then, like a deadly videogame, the blood started to fill the "room". Blood of the neck, of the arms and of the heart. My blood and theirs. Blood expressing suffering. Blood expressing pain. 

The liquid was covering now most of my body, only leaving my head out of it. Once it started to cover my face, I closed my eyes and smiled, knowing the nightmare was going to end there...

And it did. 

...

...

"Mmph!" I covered my scream quickly as I changed my position that once was laying on the bed, and now it's all sat up and scared. I relaxed curiously at knowing I was in my apartment and not somewhere else, then tears were starting to make their way into my eyes. Not again.

I got up from my bed and went to the bathroom, not sure of what I was hoping to see in the mirror. My hair was a mess, the bags under my eyes were awfully dark, and my position wasn't straight at all. The same insecure adult I've known for what it felt like ages remained there, and I almost screamed out in desperation. I don't think I'll ever change, but just watching myself go downhill every day makes me feel... like I'll never be who I once was. 

I...

I really miss feeling like that. 

I was that typical kid that all teachers adored by the mere fact I never brought problems and I always had the highest of grades. They would say I was super talented, with a bright future and endless possibilities. I only wish I knew by then that life wasn't perfect...

I...

No. 

I closed my eyes then got out of the bathroom, then checked into my clock alarm. 3:17, not surprising at all. Knowing that going back to bed would be no help, I went to the "living room" and sat on the couch, not before turning the lights on. There was a black notebook on the table, with a pen on its side. I took it and noticed it was all empty. I then realized that this was supposed to be a personal notebook with all the things I wanted to improve. 

In that night, I felt like I was good enough to put goals in my life. 

And so I did. 

I took note that the last time I went to the psychiatrist was five months ago, me too scared to go back after not taking the pills he prescribed me. I literally bought them, put them in one drawer, and never took them again. 

Maybe I should go with another one and start all my rehabilitation again. Start from zero, you know? It would be better for me than continue like this. 

I went and included more things to the list, making it be really long. And with that, I mean three pages (the two sides of each) long. 

I was determined to get better for their and my sake. 

Starting... later. 

You really can't do anything really progressive when it's three in the morning.

And so I, miraculously, head back to bed and slept peacefully, finally with a smile on my face. 

That, until my alarm decided to get up. 

"OH MY GOD, SHUT UP!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, while I threw a pillow to that fucking thing. It didn't stop. 

I got up with a groan and turned it off, then picked up the pillow and returned it to its original home: my comfy and beloved bed. I sighed and head to change my clothes, which I did as fast as always. Then I went and took my briefcase with all my documents, reminding myself what I was going to do. 

You have a job interview to attend to, you fucking idio-

Shut up, don't get distracted. 

I got out of my apartment and head to the subway, my daily transport. I could always use the bike, but I didn't want to get all sweaty when I'm about to do something important. And so I did what I always do: put my earbuds on until the ride is over, ignoring whatever is happening outside my little old world. 

And before I could realize, I was there, walking with a man towards the place which the interview was about to start. I was about to get nervous, but I quickly loosened up and let all things go the way they are supposed to go. This wasn't the end of the world, neither the end of myself. This was, more than anything, a huge opportunity. And I took it. 

Long story short, I was admitted quite easily. I got one of the higher ranks in Department A, the "Department of the Smart People", as they call it. I was surprised when he said he saw huge potential in me, not only because he has seen my job as an "activist" (and, well, ambassador of the monsters, of course). He says that the key to success is now kindness, which is something not currently found in huge businesses. He also states that, if we can show more morality than all of those companies, people will trust us. And our job will be much better. 

My job, however, is to orientate and give small ideas to the lead heads of Department A. I'm experienced enough to don't have to follow rules exactly, but I'm not becoming a leader just because I exist. In order to get to the top, I will need time. Well, that's what he told me. He said he's taking young talents to become apprentices and, soon, start working professionally. So this place, "Chemistry for People" co., it's technically a place where beneficial treatments are made in order to help "common" diseases. And with common I mean the usual problems society is having, like how trendy cancer and some other illnesses have become in the past years. Hearing someone saying "my familiar passed out from cancer" is not rare anymore. Overall, it's kind of scary. Most of the old people see their final days dealing with chemotherapies and suffering. And honestly, I'm not rooting to let more people end like that. 

I really like how... unique this place is. It has more common sense than the Congress, that's for sure. Besides, I didn't study biochemistry for anything. Since I was a kid, my dream was to become a scientist, or a "good scientist", how I liked to call it. Besides, the owner- name's Henry Robinson- is an innovative man. He gave me his point of view of the people I defend as an ambassador, which was highly positive. He is actually willing to test how magic could contribute to chemistry, and how it could help humans. So yeah, he's open to having monsters in his business: either to tutor them or to have them as direct workers. 

In any case that the magic that is going to be tested out, he invited me to supervise how this process is going to work and to notice any hints of work abuse. I like this idea because he seems sincerely accessible to do things right. And isn't this a way to show the world improvement can be made if we all work together? I've been truly enthusiastic about all of this, and now that I'm going to be a worker and also a tutor, things couldn't get better. I'm finally going to work with a lab coat instead of a suit. This is what I always wanted, and I'm really proud of being able to have it! 

Sans: hey

Sans: are you free?  
~

Huh?

You: Sure, sure

You: Is there anything you need?  
~

I just hope something bad didn't happen, or else- 

Sans: eh, not that much

Sans: is more like a question, actually

You: Bring it on

Sans: ok, so papyrus wants to see u today

Sans: have a cooking lesson with you and such  
~

A cooking lesson? What the fuck?

You: Cooking lesson?

Sans: papy tends to test friendship by having a cooking session with his new friend

Sans: it won't hurt ya, believe me

Sans: he just wants to see how good you are cooking, that's all

You: I can barely cook

You: I just hope I don't disappoint him

Sans: you haven't tasted his cooking, right?

Sans: i don't like offending my bro, but... he's not the best chef in town

Sans: he'll momentarily be tho

You: I bet

You: So when do you want me to go?

Sans: i... don't think it matters

Sans: as long as you come

You: Good, then I'm heading up

You: Just give me five minutes, ok?

Sans: k  
~

Wait a min-

You: Sans, I have a question

Sans: spit it out

You: If Papyrus is the one who wants to see me, why he didn't text me?

You: He does have my number, after all

You: We have chat multiple times

Sans: he's in the store, kid

Sans: buying like, a million of ingredients to do a ton of things

Sans: mostly spaghetti  
~

Oh.

I don't know why I was thinking I could kink-shame this guy. He, after all, did so when he just met me. But I haven't been able to take my revenge, and just now that bothered me. 

There has to be a way.

You: I see

Sans: welp

Sans: and how ya been, kiddo?  
~

Hmm...

I should probably have taken this chance to kink-shame him, but... he's probably asking about my mental illnesses, and I don't want to be rude...

I sighed. 

You: I'm... improving

You: I actually just got a new job

Sans: really?

Sans: you're leaving the congress?  
~

Oh shit, I know where this is going.

You: Yep, but I'm keeping my post of ambassador

Sans: how so?  
~

Knew it. 

You: It has become more like an... out of work project

You: Is more like a personal project, tibia honest  
~

Answer that now, skeleton

Sans: wait, so you're not getting paid from being the ambassador?

You: Nope

Sans: why?

You: I already told you, Sans

You: Is a personal project, not an official project

You: Let's just say that I'm a nonprofit social activist

Sans: wow

Sans: guess you've been working down to the bone  
~

Oh, I knew he was going to do that!

Sans: but in all seriousness now

Sans: that's really brave from your part, y' know

Sans: you deal with all the looks, discrimination and bullcrap without getting anything in exchange

Sans: wait

Sans: should i give you something?

Sans: i'm starting to feel bad with myself  
~

...

I almost lose my parade by being really dumbfounded. I knew he would say something like that, but not that deeply...

He's literally willing to give me something for a work I offered myself to do.

How can someone be so uncommonly nice? I have sacrificed a couple of things, yes, but it's not like I sold my soul to the devil in order to help them. 

You: You don't have to give me anything, really

You: You guys being free is enough reward

Sans: i don't think some monsters being happy are enough to pay bills, kid

Sans: or to buy a car

Sans: or even food  
~

Savage.

You: Well, I do have a new job now, and its pay is quite good actually

You: I mean

You: I'm not working in a fucking McDonald's 

Sans: what are you going to do then?

You: Have a role of a tutor in chemistry and as a scientist  
~

I received then a call from Sans, which I hesitantly took as I was walking through the streets. Before I could even give him a proper greeting, he started rambling all over the phone, asking things like "since when you are a scientist?" and things like that. Even the dumbest of people could identify that he was freaking out badly, and I tried to calm him down multiple times, but he didn't listen. 

"i mean, dude, you like science then? do you like science fiction as well? or any stories involving science stuff? ooh, have you seen this series called- wait, no. forget i said anything, it's just-"

"Sans..."

"don't judge me too harshly, please! i'm just happy i can find a science lover who isn't a freak! or that it actually hates me, hah..."

Wait- does he mean Gaster? Dude, that's sad.

"Hey bud, I don't judge ya. I just want you to calm down and breathe. I'm not even able to process every single thing you are saying to me"

He took a deep breath, then laughed nervously. 

"sorry... do you like science fiction?"

Jesus Christ, how desperate is this guy to find a science nerd?

"Yep, one of my all-time favorites"

"nice! how long has it been since you are a scientist?"

"I finished my biochemistry specialty when I was twenty..."

"oh, and that was...?"

I remembered then that I have never told him my age, which made feel pretty stupid. I have told him I have depression, anxiety, PTSD and insomnia... but I'm not able to tell him how old I am? How stupid. But thinking back at it, he has not told me his age either, so...

"Two years ago. I'm twenty-two"

"huh, how curious. i'm twenty-two as well, and i haven't done half of the things you have"

"Don't compare yourself with me, Sans. You can be one thousand times better, I can feel it... in my bones"

I just heard that deep chuckle I'm beginning to like more and more. Actually... I do like his voice. Like, a lot. It's really deep, smooth like butter, and it has a lot of profundity it's hard to imitate his accent. He doesn't speak that much like an American- more like a person coming from another country, but that learned English at a young age. It's understandable but different, and not in a bad way. If I could compare his voice with a singer, it would probably be a combination between Freddy Mercury and Elvis Presley. Which it's just lovely. 

I wonder if he can sing.

"heh, i should give it a shot then. do you think i should go to college?"

"You'll have a better job that way. Hell, you can become a science master if you want to. You just need to study, bud. But I don't think that's a difficult task to ask you, Sans. You are really smart, I know it!"

"thanks, kid"

"Sans, aren't we the same age?"

"eh, you're still a kid to me. every young human is a kid to me"

"I should call you like that as well, then?"

"nah"

"Ok then, bucko"

"what the-"

"I'm almost there, Sans. You can tell me whatever you want in the house"

"no but wait-"

"Nope, shut up. You tell me there, bye!"

I laughed way louder than I expected when I saw a ton of messages from Sans being sent, complaining about me being the kid and not him. When he was sending me the twentieth message, though, I was already at the door. 

"HUMAN, HELLO!"

"Hi Papy-"

"(y/n) what the fuck?! you don't have the right to call me 'bucko'!"

I laughed while Sans groaned in desperation and Papyrus tilted his head out in confusion, which made laugh harder. After a while though, Sans joined my laughing by smirking at first, then bursting out into a laughing fit. 

"SANS! HAVE YOU TURNED THE HUMAN INTO A DORK?!"

"nah bro, she" he took a pause while laughing "was already like that since the beginning. we just noticed"

I gasped in fake shock and indignation, then playfully hit his shoulder. He laughed louder and I being stupid, made me laugh like crazy as well. Papyrus, on the other side, was starting to become mad out in confusion. 

"I DIDN'T INVITE THE HUMAN TO COME AND BE STUPID WITH YOU, SANS! WE HAVE A COOKING SESSION PENDING AND FOR PUNISHMENT, YOU'LL HAVE TO HELP!"

"oh hell naw"

"HMPH! WHATEVER! HUMAN, FOLLOW ME INTO THE KITCHEN! WE'LL HAVE OUR SACRED AND ONLY-FOR-HIGH-SOCIETY-PEOPLE SESSION IN THERE!"

I followed him sheepishly while Sans mouthed me "good luck", then winked. I considered returning him the wink, but I noticed that it was a stupid idea. And so I let it be. 

"HUMAN! WE SHALL BEGIN OUR SESSION NOW!"

Then I noticed that the whole fucking kitchen was filled with ingredients, books of recipes, and any cooking instrument that a chef would need. 

This should be interesting. 

And without hesitation, I put an apron he brought me and prepared myself mentally.

Here I go...


	17. Bad intentions...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans has an existential crisis in the middle of the living room.

*Sans's POV* 

Calm down, Sans. 

You got this. 

You...

Fuck. 

My brother and (Y/N) were cooking in the kitchen while I was freaking out in the couch, thinking why I had a burst out when she told me she worked at science. It's not the first scientist I've met, so there was no reason to become THAT enthusiastic about it. Considering that she's probably a science nerd and that she has multiple problems I have as well, we may be pretty similar. Thing that scares me, needless to say. Besides, one day I heard her ringtone and it was Sweet Child O' Mine, which it's an incredible taste in music. I do like rock as well, so... this is freaking me out. A lot. 

One of the reasons I'm probably feeling weird around her is the fact that she's someone new. I've known the monsters in the Underground all my life, no new relationships haven't been made since years. The kid, Frisk, turned out to be a fucking bitch, so we can't consider it as a relationship, even. Emily, well, she shared my passion for books, so that may be something. But (Y/N)? She's becoming closer and closer every time she comes here, which it's scary. I've never been good at making friends. Yes, I'm not afraid to talk to new people, but making friends? Oh, that's just letting my vulnerabilities show. 

Even if (Y/N) knows I have depression and all that stuff, she doesn't know the reasons- that's the intimate part. I could even tell everyone in the world that I have these mental problems, but tell them the backstory of it? That's a huge step I'll never take with anyone. I mean, Papyrus doesn't know it, for God's sake! How can I risk myself more and more?!

More friendships mean more reasons to speak out loud, which it's what I don't want to do. The worst thing is that Frisk and Flowey know exactly why I have these things, that's why I can't show my problems to them. If they get to know I'm really traumatized of what they've done, they will torment me with that 'till the rest of my life...

Which reminds me- why she hasn't reset? Is she really thinking that we, finally, have the right to have a normal life out of the Underground? Nope, I don't think so. It's stupid to think she had a change of heart, less if Flowey can be inciting her into doing it again. Then why? Has she... Did she lose her power? The power to reset it all? To have the world in the tip of her fingers?

Wow, the laws of physics are just huge fuckers. I mean, they let the power of time and space to an irresponsible teenager, bored of having a normal life and trying to make it more interesting every time. Did they just realize it was a mistake? How funny. 

I have suffered a lot, taking in consideration that two kids have power over me. No matter how much I train. No matter how old I get. They'll always have the power to change it all, in a way that their immature minds think it's correct. How stupid they can be? Do they think this is all a fucking videogame?! Just because they know they will come back from death... 

They fear no man. 

They fear nothing.

Just the fact that someone can take the power away from them. 

But that's never gonna happen...

Or am I wrong?

A new timeline, new things to discover. And I must say that everything in this new world I've been dragged along is confusing to me. The thought that I won't necessarily live in Snowdin, that I can meet new faces, that I can finish a career... 

That I can fall in love with a different face. 

Is this even real? 

How have I become so free in a matter of seconds?

Now I have the power to decide over my future, to run away, to breathe fresh air, feel the sun, and watch the stars. The real stars; the ones I always wanted to see as a kid. Thinking about it, Frisk had mercy this time. Or curiosity took over, who knows? This is the first 'Pacifist' timeline she has ever done, the ones before it were either neutral or... genocidal. 

...

I'm afraid I can be wrong, though. 

There's a thing called "True Reset"- a reset than only the... player of this goddamn videogame will remember. Not even I would remember anything about it... or the other timelines before it. There's a probability that Frisk has done it, but I still don't know...

The first timeline I remember was a neutral one, in which Frisk seemed scared. TRULY scared, like if she was going to collapse at any moment. It would make no sense that it wasn't her first time there- why would she fake kindness? At first, she was a good kid, I admit it. Now, she's not my friend anymore. Because she broke her promise- OUR promise, and give a shit about it. She knows why I hate her, and she just laughs it off. 

sHe'S A bITCh.

She... she turned into a soulless being. Not literally, but morally. She gave up and decided to take her fucking rage and need for something new on us. Like if we were nothing. To her, we are probably just the characters of some cheap videogame: repetitive, boring, predictable, and insensible. But she's wrong- oh, she's so fucking wrong. We are not repetitive, we all have different stories to tell, our own problems, hopes, and dreams. We cry when we lose someone, we laugh when we hear a joke. We hate, we help, we can make other people's lives miserable, just as she did. We are able to do all of that, and more. Because there's a difference between her and us- and that's love. She may have LOVE, but we... we love...

We love other people, we love our families, and we help each other. Because we fucking care about everything.

Even Gaster.

Even me. 

...

Are other humans different?

Is (Y/N) different?

Does she care? Does she help? Does she...

Does she love?

Or is she the new player of this game?

Is she the new person that will ruin my life?

Or the one that will improve it?

It's so confusing to me to realize that people can be different. Frisk... she's a human, I know, But does that mean that they are all the same? I truly don't think so. There are people so genuine, with no need to hide identities because they know it's no use. (Y/N) seems truly genuine... 

She cares.

She helps. 

And she loves. 

She fights for her own hopes, dreams, and deals with her problems. She has a story to tell, that not all people will hear. 

Frisk has that as well, but it's different. 

Someone so blindly open-minded can't be bad. I need to convince myself to not question her anymore. To not question (Y/N) anymore. 

She can be good. 

She has been good so far. 

I have nothing to object. 

She's been nice to Papyrus, to my... parents, to Undyne, Alphys, Mettaton...

She's been nice to Frisk, even when she doesn't know all the fucking horrible things she has done. 

She's been nice to Flowey, even though he usually acts as a picky bitch. 

She's been all nice and supportive to me, even though she doesn't know. She doesn't know a fucking thing of what's going on, but there's the thing. If I had the courage enough to tell her right now, she would hear it. And not all people have that courage- to listen to others and help them out. To be a good friend. 

Is...

How is this girl so lonely, again?

She deals daily with herself, a thing that breaks her a lot in the inside. No one is there to shut the hell up that little voice of her head. To tell her that she'll be okay if she gets help...

She doesn't even receive fucking help. 

But...

Her enemy is the world around her? Or is her mind the true villain? 

I checked the chat we both had some minutes before she arrived, and I sighed. Her life seems so... perfect on the outside. A smile in her face, a kind tone in her voice, a good career, a prodigy mind, and an easy way to make someone feel at ease. She, however, is never feeling at ease. that makes her imperfect, though? What does perfect even mean? To have a life full of roses? To have your job dream? To be happy no matter what?

I remembered that I, no matter how many times put Frisk as the bad of the story, am not perfect. I'm far from being a perfect person, I'm truly broken...

I'm a fucking mess that constantly bothers people. That hurts them, that breaks the promises with them, and that is really selfish. My mind thinks that I know the problems they have, but I don't. I don't know Frisk's past, I don't know Gaster's reasons to hate me, I don't know why Flowey changed his attitude so... suddenly. I...

I don't know (Y/N)'s story. 

And she doesn't know mine. 

Not even Papyrus know the half of it, and that's just... stupid. 

He trusts me with his deeper struggles, his own dreams, and his wildest aspirations. Things that only I get to know because he trusts me. But...

Do I really want to ruin his innocence?

How would he react if he knew I watched him turn to dust...?

I... I feel really guilty about those timelines- Genocide runs. I had to wait until Frisk killed a lot of monsters to actually do something...

I'm weak. One hp, one of defense. 

tHe eASIeSt eNEmY.

In order to gain power, I had to wait until my ability, "Karma", was activated. The more she killed, the more "Karma" I gain. And in the end, I was able to stop her only 'cause of the weight of her sins. "Karma" is like a counterattack, making the sinner pay for all they've done. Awfully, that characteristic is also pretty similar to the videogames' features. 

I...

I wasn't this weak before. I was really strong and able to protect Papyrus before I lost all HOPE, which it's the equivalent of "HP". My defense dropped as well, making me more vulnerable than ever. That, however, happened before the kid fell down...

Gaster is a huge factor in my depression as well. He makes me think I'm worthless, doubtful and a disappointment. He treats me like that since years ago, and I totally hate it. He just keeps telling me that I never was there for anyone, but I'm sure that's not true. I care about Papyrus and, secretly, about the others as well. The only ones I don't care about are Frisk, Flowey, and him. But he thinks I'm all careless and I don't give a shit, when in fact, I'm one of the most worried in the group. 

I went to my room and closed the door behind me, then flopped right onto my bed. I supervised the room with a glance and noticed how different it is from the one in the Underground. Now I have a proper bed, a bigger desk where a new laptop resides in, a functional lamp ('cause the one in the Underground wasn't), a smaller self-sustaining tornado and... it is a bit less messy. The color of the walls is dark blue (almost black) and the furniture is dark brown, as well as the floor. It is a nice change of scenario, I guess. I tried to make it as different as possible from the one I had before because it only brings me bad memories. Papyrus helped in the major decoration, though- I need to thank him for that. 

The similarity, though, is that I have a window above my bed... and that the balcony is really close to my room. In this house, the balcony is actually closer than in the previous one. I remember that, back in Snowdin, I used to get out in the balcony when everyone was asleep and write peacefully a new chapter for my story. It was such a nice feeling, a moment of calm before school had to begin and TVs started to emit Mettaton's shitty shows. 

I laughed quietly, remembering my life before the kid came and depression hit me. It was... far from perfect, but it was better. I worked as a scientist apprentice and I learned a lot. My rank was one of the highest, only one below the Royal Scientist occupation... that my father used to have. I was considered one of the smartest; not only in there but in school as well. I had the highest of grades, even better than Alphys's, and my social life was never bad. I never got in trouble, the teachers respected me, and Papyrus was alright. Thanks to my job and other small ones, I was able to always pay for the house and our necessities...

Papyrus is like three weeks away from becoming a high schooler, and the thought terrifies me. He's so innocent, so... precious to me. I don't want a stupid teenager to ruin that. But... I'm also afraid that others might bully him, because, well... he's a monster. They might even hurt him, and if something ever happens to him, I will never forgive myself. 

Never...

"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" My brother screamed at the top of his lungs... and believe me, you don't want to hear that. 

I swear that I jumped some good feet above the ground and fell painfully out of my bed, scared and shocked at the same time. I think one of my ribs cracked, actually. The thing is, that it scared me and hurt me like a bitch, and I groaned loudly after trying to get up. 

"papy, ah... wh-what's wrong?" I asked weakly, barely able to keep a balance in my words. My mind was considering shouting curses out loud, but I know that's not the best option. 

"THE HUMAN AND I HAVE FINISHED OUR CREATION! IT IS A HOMEMADE RECIPE OF LASAGNA MADE BY (Y/N)!"

"It's actually on the family, Papyrus... I didn't create it"

"STILL! IT IS A RECIPE OF YOUR OWN HEART AND MEMORIES, AND IT MUST MEAN A LOT TO YOU! SO WE CAN CONSIDER YOU AS ONE ITS OWNERS!"

I caught my breath and got up slowly, then I checked my soul. It was as good as always: a white heart upside down, gleaming weakly but still gleaming. I sighed in relief and kinda contented, then I got out of my room, only to be granted by a heavenly smell. I smiled weakly, knowing that it was probably (Y/N)'s influence. I only had one question...

What the fuck is lasagna?

"SANS! PLEASE HELP US SET THE TABLE!" No fucking way, Paps. 

"hello papy, how are you? any news lately?" I stupidly said, probably putting a goofy grin in my face. 

"SANS, THAT'S THE WORST WAY YOU HAVE AVOIDED A TOPIC IN ALL YOUR LIFE! THAT'S JUST PITIFUL!" 

And before I could give him another of my fantastic answers, I heard a loud crash coming from the kitchen. 

"HUMAN? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" Papyrus ran with clear panic in his voice, while I followed him with slow steps full of confusion. 

"I'm fine, Papyrus... I think it's not me who you should worry about, though..."

And when I spotted what really happened, I broke out in laughter. An old man, formally known as my father, was laying on the ground after he unsuccessfully teleported into the house. (Y/N) was there in a defensive position and confused as heck. Papyrus tried to stop my laughter, but it didn't work. Who's the disappointment now, Gaster?

"wow, aren't you old?" I smiled widely, feeling mostly euphoric and incapable of reasoning. 

"Shut up, Sans"

After a bit of argument and a groaning Papyrus, we finally thought it would be a good idea to start eating. Or well, I did. I was extremely hungry. And the smell wasn't helping either. Besides, why would I want to keep discussing with that annoying man? 

We sat and eat then and, as expected, it was amazing. That's what I expected at least. Even (Y/N) seem a little dumbfounded by her own creation, that was probably a familiar recipe. 

"is your family from italy or what?" I asked jokingly, and she let out a small and lighthearted laugh. 

"Nah, my father just used to like cooking a lot. This a way too old recipe... I think he established it when I was just born"

"really? heh, it's good. was your father a-"

"He just cooked as a hobby, nothing serious. Still, I always liked his homemade food"

Huh. 

"and you? do you cook as well or..."

"Nope, I'm too busy for that... and maybe a bit lazy" She laughed quietly, then continued "I tend to only eat fast food during lunch breaks or at nights, nothing more"

I chuckled at the realization that I've done that so many times as well. Mostly not because I'm working, but because I'm ungodly lazy. I remembered all those times I ran away from Papyrus's cooking and head to Grillby's, which was like my second home. Me being a comedian, the bar was an excellent place to make top-quality jokes and friends of the same ranking. 

After eating, (Y/N) had to leave, and we had as well. Papyrus never forgot that I had an appointment with a psychologist, and she couldn't stay any longer if she wanted to return at a proper hour. I know she takes the subway, which according to my calculations, is way more annoying and risky than being in a car. 

"HUMAN! WE SHALL BE HEADING OFF!"

"Hope it goes well"

"luck at your new job, kiddo"

"Thanks! The best of lucks in your session, Sans. It won't be easy, but you'll eventually get used to it"

"i hope so"

I really do.


	18. A judgment phase, a judgment hall.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Psychologists have always seemed so misleading... this isn't the exception.

*Sans's POV*

A silent room, a thousand stares, a broken soul and a judgment phase. People waiting quietly, almost going mad, not understanding what will happen next. Too afraid to think about it. Too afraid. 

Crossing through hallways, elevators and more people. Everything was so insanely white I felt like vomiting, but nothing came out...

Am I doing this too dramatic? Probably. 

Welcome to "Psychiatric Treatments to Surreal Disorders" (or for short, hah, PTSD. What a sense of humor). This is a huge hospital dedicated to people that have the same problems as I do: depression, insomnia, PTSD, and more. No one, however, wants to be here... and I include myself. The way the nurses smile sickly to you and how nonvictims show you a pitiful look it's almost unbearable. I mean, if you ain't going to help, just shut the fuck up and mind your own fucking business...

Please. 

"THIS... IS IT, BROTHER. THE PSYCHOLOGIST MR. ROBINSON WILL ATTEND YOU IN THIS PLACE!"

"you... you are not comin'?" I asked childishly, but also in extreme fear. I wasn't ready- it was too soon!

"I'M AFRAID I WON'T, SANS. BUT WORRY NOT! I WILL WAIT FOR YOU HERE..."

I sighed, the receptionist registered me, then I left Papyrus behind... who was eagerly watching TV. I closed the door behind me, and I saw an old man taking note of something. When he heard the click of the door, though, his eyes noticed me and he gave me a small smile. I smiled back nervously while I followed his... orders and I sat down. Then he adjusted his glasses, took a sip out of his coffee, and finally focused ON HIS FUCKING PATIENT! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

...

Sorry.

"Hello! You must be Sans the Skeleton, right?"

Oh wow, how did he knew? He's a fucking genius! O-M-G.

...

Fuck my life. 

"you are right, sir. or should i call you mr. robinson?"

He nodded quietly, that smile growing wider. He reluctantly offered his hand and, with the same caution, I shook it. I tried to get as comfy as possible in that chair, but I felt really out of place. This wasn't only nervousness but also being... uncomfortable. Not only my seat but the atmosphere as well. It was... tense. Really tense. 

"So before we start..." he looked to what I supposed that were my files, then looked back at me "Would you tell me what is the reason you are coming here?"

Because a psychiatrist told me so?

"i... i've been feeling quite desperate lately. i feel empty, useless, i have sleeping problems and i get this constant dreams that torment me badly. they even make me want to never fall asleep again, which it's really weird since i love sleeping"

He nodded, then wrote something down on a small notebook. He then showed me a paper that asked a lot of things about my personal life: if I knew my parents, if I had any brothers, if I got any love interests recently, etc. 

"We are going to be answering this together, ok Sans? I will ask you and you will tell me. I'll write it down"

"i see... let's get started, then" I shrugged, trying to maintain my usual self. But at that moment I feel uncovered; not even my mask was working. 

And we began with questions that made me want to run away. I felt pressured and, in a long time, insecure of myself. Normally I have the confidence to dismiss topics, make jokes, or hell, even lie... but not today. It was awful, to say the least. 

"Do you want to talk about your dreams, Sans?" He asked immediately after answering the fucking questionnaire, and just as fast, I shook my head 'no'. There was no way I could be prepared for something so... intimate. He...

hE wILL sAy i aM cRAZy. 

Who would believe my story, anyway? A flower that was before the Prince of all Monsters suddenly had the biggest determination in the Underground, and thanks to it, the power to control time and space like it was just a videogame. He could come back from death and manipulate timelines as he pleased, until a twelve years old girl came. The girl had more determination, and therefore, was the new one in control. She at first was a pacifist angel, but soonly became bored and made devastating genocides over and over, never getting enough. The only one she fought but didn't kill was me, and that way, I stopped her every Genocide run from doing a True Reset, and thanks to that, I have remembered every timeline. 

...

He will send me to a fucking hospital. 

But I'll never tell him, so I guess I shouldn't be afraid of that. Is not even a possibility if I keep it as a secret...

But if I never tell him, I'll never get out of this shit...

"Ok Sans, we'll be walking step by step. I'll see you next week?"

"...sure"

"Excellent, thanks for coming. Have a great day"

And in my mind something clicked, repeating the words 'thanks for coming' all over and over. What he wanted is not to help me, but to gain more clients. If I become the first monster getting treated successfully by him, his popularity will be flooding like water. Besides that, any other monster that may have similar problems will immediately consider him as the first option. 

When I got out, Papyrus asked me enthusiastically if it went okay and I nodded, making him feel happier. I was not in the mood to deal with all this stuff, and so I lied, like I always have done. We walked over the same hallways, the same whiteness, and the same stares. Pitiful looks and sick smiles. Elevators and, outside them, more people. More people. More people. 

A silent room, a thousand stares, a broken soul and a judgment phase. Except, that it was not only a broken soul. All of the souls in there were broken, one way or another. Me being too weak, I had to look to the white walls again, not being able to tolerate the pain in their eyes. So monotone, so predictable, so... professional. This place felt more like a business rather than a place that will hear you out. It didn't feel like a home at all. And probably, that's what everyone in the room wanted. A new home. A new family. A new life. 

But that's stupid, isn't it? Just looking at the name again made me feel like throwing up, but nothing came out. Just a pitiful groan and a killer headache, just in time. PTSD? Hah, is that even funny? To call a hospital PTSD? C' mon, people can't be that inconsiderate. Victims don't want to remember their disabilities, because that's what often torments us the most: memories...

Fucking memories. 

Fucking memories that will make the pain unbearable, the scenes way too real, and your heart stop. It's stupid to think that a place supposed to help you should joke about it...

They don't understand. 

Therefore, they don't have the right to joke about it. 

Not now. 

Not ever. 

We returned home, and after a couple of minutes after arriving, I went out for a walk. I was feeling so confused, angry, and... I don't even know. I panicked, but I couldn't panic there at home. Not when it was Gaster's break, and he would be there to witness my mental breakdown. He would just smile pitifully and mutter under his breath "what a disappointment". And I can't bring myself to hear his sharp words again. 

Not now. 

Not ever. 

And so I walked past the houses and the neighbors, my hood covering my distressed look. Hands in the pockets, smile on the face; usual Sansy being his Sansational self. Except I wasn't. 

The streets were crowded as expected, considering this is a huge city. Businessmen and businesswomen walked with a coffee in hand and a cellphone on the other. Kinda reminded me of (Y/N), or what I know about her. They seemed so calm, but I knew that some of them could be panicking because she did. She, internally, was screaming for help. Wonder how many of these people would be doing the same. 

A small waterdrop fell out of the sky, and then some more joined it, making proudly a powerful rain. People were either running or getting their umbrellas out, looking at the other poor souls like they were stupid. I only continued walking, my tears being mixed up with the raindrops. I smiled, knowing no one would know that I was crying. No one would have cared, either. 

I walked through restaurants, huge buildings, recreative centers, and bars. All the neon signals were on, lighting up the city like the stars could have done if it wasn't so polluted. I sighed, remembering that I haven't seen those luminescent bodies in a while. I would have to go to Mount Ebott and wish for luck if I wanted to see them again. 

I ended up on a dark road, where the lights were flickering and already weak. The part of the city that newcomers or tourists never see, because it's just a mess. The part where almost every person lives in.

Before I turned away, thinking that I should return home, I noticed a fluffy white dog. It was soaking, just as I was, and I chuckled lightly. I got closer and noticed it was a she, and that she had an injury in one of her legs. I then carried her, and with the little energy I still had, I teleported back to my room. 

Me, being the paranoid skeleton I am, always have a first-aid kit in my room, hidden behind my desk. I took and immediately healed the dog, who soon after was already jumping and running all over my place. I laughed lightly, feeling a bit better. She had no name tag, but her hair was pretty good actually. Now that she was warmer and better, I started to think of a name I hadn't used yet...

When I was in the Underground, I adopted like twenty dogs. Papy may hate them, but I don't. In fact, I love them with all my soul. And she being all cute and fluffy, I couldn't help myself. Not even six months in the surface and I was already adopting a dog... new record, I guess.

"what should be your name, sweetheart?" I asked her in the same affectionate way I treat all dogs, petting her slowly. She just moved her tail faster, and I let out a laugh. I think dogs are quite my weak point...

"i'll name you maya, is that okay with you? or do you have any objections?" She just barked, and I hummed happily. 

Maya it is, then. 

"SANS? IS THAT YOU?!" Papyrus shouted, and I quickly hide Maya in the closet. 

"yes papy! i have returned!" 

"GOOD! NOW COME DOWNSTAIRS AND JOIN US FOR DINNER, BROTHER!"

Oh fuck it, I'm not going there. 

"Yes son, you should join us this evening! Today's a lucky day that we all can be together!" Arial added, trying her best to be optimistic. Now I have more reasons to not join them. 

"i, em.. already eat, on the way home" I lied badly, but I knew that Papyrus would believe it. 

"OH, I HATE WHEN YOU DO THAT! CAN'T YOU JUST WAIT A BIT MORE?!" Bingo. 

"sorry bro, i was really hungry" 

"BUT YOU ATE A LOT OF (Y/N)'S LASAGNA!"

"and i could have eaten more"

He just groaned and told me that if I did the same tomorrow he would make me eat anyways. I gulped silently and told him "whatever you say, bro". Then I locked the door of my room and got Maya out of her hiding spot, who excitedly started to jump and scratch my legs. 

How am I supposed to feed this dog?

I couldn't teleport for a long time since I drained out my energy, and coming downstairs with the excuse I was going out wasn't an option. I sighed, feeling stupid. 

I should have bought food in the way instead of teleporting. 

Miraculously, though, I noticed a bag of chips laying on my desk. I read the contents and noticed that they didn't have that many salts, and so I took it as a reliable option. Besides, let's just say that I've feed some dogs with chips before... they didn't die though, so that's a point for me. 

I gave her one and she ate it happily, then she was trying to reach the whole bag. I chuckled and gave it to her; it was mostly air, anyways. I'm not harming her that much. 

I then flopped into my bed and buried my face in the pillow. Maya jumped into the bed and laid down next to me, while my mind was wandering through all the things I've done. I turned off the lights, hoping I could get a good night sleep. That was just a wish, obviously. But at least I could pet Maya all night long- something to get distracted with. 

I laughed softly, feeling weak, tired, and useless. A few tears rolled down my cheekbones, and even the dog noticed how bad I was feeling with myself. She cried softly and I felt worse, making me cry a bit louder. I tried to distract myself with my phone, but the painful memories and the feeling of dread consumed me totally. 

I couldn't think of anything else. Maya fell asleep eventually, something I was able to do a few years ago. I tried to comfort myself with stroking her soft, white hair. I cried more but softer, and eventually, I fell asleep...

And there I was, in the Judgment Hall, all alone and frustrated. Orange and yellow, light coming from the windows that have the Delta Rune, the symbol of The Prophecy. A shining yellow diamond was on the other end, one that I always have feared: the SavePoint. Before I could calm down, a kid with green eyes appeared in front of me. 

Frisk was there, with a red and kinda beautiful knife in her right hand. Unlike in other runs, she had her eyes wide opened, showing how insane she has turned. She wears a small smile that is empty as her soul, and her new determination had only one purpose: to kill. 

"why hello buddy" Myself said, and I just watched from behind. "you've been busy, huh?"

And all that dialogue I force myself to repeat was said again, while I tried to don't hear who I was again. There was no escape, however, of that deep voice that corresponds me. Clear hints of anger, desperation, sadness, and feeling of betrayal were there. The other Sans was on the edge, almost breaking down. 

Then the fight started, knife moving threateningly and bones flying all over the hallway. She often laughed demoniacally and my past self was trying to keep his cool with a huge smile. The glowing eye of the skeleton changed between blue and yellow, my position was tense, and the laugh of the kid was deafening. I wanted to scream, to punch the windows, and to finally kill myself. 

The world turned black, then I appeared before the dusty scarf of my brother. I covered my eyes that were already blurry from the tears, and I fell to my knees. A painful headache stung insistently, and a lot of killer flashbacks of dust being on the floor. The cries, the screams of despair, the fear of the alive... it was all awful. 

And it was all her fault.


	19. Love is questionable.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your best friend's child is smarter than you thought... and that's fucking scary.

*Your POV* 

Once upon a time, there was a small house in the middle of Ebott City. It was not bad, but it wasn't that desirable either. However, it was the best place for my friend to rest and calm down. She, as I do, has anxiety. She just got it thanks to giving birth unexpectedly, and she doesn't feel ready for such a huge responsibility. 

And there I was, holding a cup of coffee in my hand while I listened to her monologue. Either work was shit or her kid too laborious: she had a ton of tragedies that wanted to be heard. Knowing I would also like someone listening to my problems, I heard cautiously, trying to always give her the best advice.

After a short but hard day of work, I did my best to remained focused on her daily anecdotes. Today, I started my job as a tutor, and it went really great. I guided them and told them the best ways to create hypothesis based on their knowledge. I also worked individually on some reports I have to make about the apprentices, so it was a laborious first day. Still, I did my best to keep listening...

But I'm no machine, and since I tend to travel through time and space when I'm distracted, there you see me: with a lost look and sipping my coffee calmly. I never mean to be rude, but she's way too dramatic over her problems. She is... not used to all of this. She had a pretty expensive life when she was younger, but her father "kicked her out" when he realized she was pregnant. What happened, in reality, is that he wanted her to be more independent and responsible of her own actions and decisions. But she sees it all the other way around. 

"So I don't know, (Y/N)..." her drop of accelerated tone made me snap back into her house, then I looked at her "I think I should give Miriam for adoption. I can't help her any longer, not when I'm a huge mess. I simply can't"

I froze, then looked at Miriam. Miriam is a sweet, five years old girl, that is too young to see all the problems her mother has. But still, she loves her mother passionately and tries to cheer her up whenever she sees her crying. She tends to use a lot of pink in her clothes, two ponytails with ribbons of the same color, and an enthusiastic smile. I'm not a huge fan of small kids, but this one definitely is something else. 

"You can't do that, Miranda" I answered firmly, but also kind of scared "Orphanages are awful, you'll regret leaving your child in such a horrifying place"

"Don't be exaggerated" 

"I'm not"

She started arguing about what could she provide to her daughter if she's not even okay with herself. I, however, told her how terrible orphanages are. 

After all, I lived in one a couple of years. 

"Miriam will be happier there! If I leave her here with me, she'll hate me!"

"If you leave her at the orphanage, she'll hate you even more. She'll either end up in the streets or, who knows, a bad family. For her, you won't be her mother. Never"

She bit her bottom lip and let out a few tears. It hurt, but it was true. She couldn't let the beautiful personality of Miriam go away in that awful place. She needed to continue, for both of their sake's. They were a small but lovely family, and it should never be put apart. 

"Look, Miranda... I'm sorry. But you can't do this to her. I can help you with some money if you want to, but please... don't let her go. She's an amazing kid, and she is your daughter. She's all yours and no one else's. She has the luck of having you... don't waste that chance"

She smiled weakly and gave me a hug, which I corresponded with a sigh. Miranda was a bright and vivid kid back in school- I know her since middle school, actually. She is a really good friend, a beautiful woman, and with a brilliant future. When she was younger, her future was almost confirmed: she was going to be an entrepreneur, the best in all Etroy Town...

Ah, Etroy...

Etroy is a small town not too far from Ebott City, but way too different in all the resources and how the government managed them. I'm from there, Etroy. I have like four years living in Ebott City, and it has been quite a change. 

I didn't love my town, but it wasn't that bad. Yes, it had a bunch of violence, but the neighbors in my area were friendly. Well, when I lived in a house. When I went to the orphanage, life got tougher and tougher. I was thirteen back then, finishing my first grade of middle school. In second grade, I met Miranda. We've been friends since then...

Therefore, I got to meet her boyfriend Carlos. He was... not of my liking? He used to party a lot and, whenever he got drunk, he could be really aggressive. He made dirty jokes most of the time, bully some people, made some out-of-hand pranks and annoying comments that were not even a good joke. I never liked him, but she... she was madly in love with him. No matter how many times I tried to show him his true nature, she never listened. 

And then, that happened. 

You may want to know where Carlos is now. 

I also do. 

She hates him now with all her soul because she's struggling a lot to keep up with the rent, basic necessities, and Miriam's school. Miranda completed high school, but never had enough many to enter university, thanks to the fact his father was not supporting her anymore. He wants to give her a lesson, I guess, but she's truly feeling desperate. Without studies, she needs to have multiple jobs and ridiculous work schedules. 

She is so tired...

But I am, too.

And even if we feel like giving up, we must continue...

Because that's our job. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Miriam's POV*

I heard mommy and her friend talk about various things, and I put my toys away. As much as I like to hang around with Mr. Bunny and Mrs. Bee, I must attend my mom every time she gets like this. She tends to cry and mess with my hair, but I don't mind, because I know that calms her. 

I glanced over and saw, as I thought at first, my mom and (Y/N) were discussing. I like (Y/N), she's really cool and always plays with me whenever she comes. But now, apparently, she was feeling upset with my mother. I don't understand why. Mommy is a great person, after all!

"You can't do that, Miranda" (Y/N) calmly said, trying to convince mom "Orphanages are awful, you'll regret leaving your child is such a horrifying place"

What's an orpha... orphanage?

"Don't be exaggerated" Mom exclaimed, and I felt more determined than ever to know what they were talking about. 

"I'm not" 

And they picked up a more heated fight. I felt scared and I wanted to intervene, but last time I did, mommy slapped my cheek. And so I remained quiet. 

"Miriam will be happier there!" Where? "If I leave her here with me, she'll hate me!"

I looked at my mom in amusement, knowing I could never hate her. She is wonderful, I hope I can be like her when I grow up. Who needs daddy? She is good enough. But...

Why is mommy trying to send me away?

"If you leave her at the orphanage, she'll hate you even more" Who, me? I would never hate her! "She'll either end up in the streets or, who knows, a bad family" But mom would never let that happen, right? "For her, you won't be her mother. Never"

My mom started to cry, and I couldn't handle it anymore. While both of them were distracted, I ran away into my room and locked the door. I let out some tears... I never thought mom would want to leave me. Why would she do that? We're happy here! 

...I am happy here. 

But...

She doesn't look very happy.

She looks annoyed whenever I invite her to play, when I tell her about what happened in school, when I made too much noise or whenever she arrives home from work. She just goes to her room and sleeps... sometimes she cooks, though! Her food is always delicious! Bad thing she feeds me now and then... but I know that food is a privilege! So I can wait!

But... my friends talk about their breakfast every single day. Do normal people eat always? Does my mom eat always? What if... what if she thinks I'm a bad girl that doesn't deserve getting feed?

What if...

What if she doesn't love me?

That's why she wants to leave me! 

I started to cry, realizing that my mom doesn't want me in this beautiful house anymore. I looked outside and sighed, watching the world I would have to go through. 

I grabbed my favorite plushie, Freddy Fazbear (as the label says), and got out of my room. (Y/N) was still consoling my mom, and so I took the chance to open the door and leave. 

It was fresh outside, and there were some puddles in the floor caused by the rain of last night. I smiled and immediately went to jump over all of them. I giggled softly as I hugged Freddy closer to my chest because I didn't want him to fell off my hands and get all wet. 

When I was walking, however, I noticed a short figure walking way too slow and... murmuring things. Things like "why am I even trying?" or "I'm such a failure". I feel sad all of a sudden... I just hoped I could hug this man. 

I looked over him and I blinked faster when I saw him. According to his hands, he was a skeleton. I couldn't see his face because he hid it too well, but his hands were enough. They weren't like those skeleton gloves that Walmart sells in Halloween. They looked more real...

(Y/N) said that she was friends with skeletons, so it makes sense. Living skeleton exist, and presumably, they can be sad like humans. Before I could reach him, he started to cry. Quietly, but loud enough for me to hear. I hugged Freddy even tighter and, when I was about to start running, I felt someone grabbing my wrist. 

"Miriam! What do you think you are doing?!" My mom asked me. I tried to break away from her and help Mr. Skeleton, but when I looked over the street, he wasn't there anymore. "I was so worried about you!"

Worried?

"But mom... you said you didn't want me in the house anymore!" I replied, feeling how tears were in my face again. But probably, that skeleton teared up more. 

She froze in her place and started to cry too. She hugged me and told me that it was a mistake, that she was becoming desperate and that she wasn't in her right mind. She told me she loves me. (Y/N) was by her side and confirmed it, saying that my mom loves me more than anything else. That she would never leave me. 

And I trust her. I trust them. 

The air was fresh and the clouds were gray again. Two minutes later and the rain started just like yesterday. Normally I love these rainy days, but... I couldn't stop thinking about the short skeleton in a hoodie. Why would he think he's a failure? I've... I've heard (Y/N) saying those same things to herself. She says it as a joke, yes... but maybe she's feeling as sad as him! She sometimes murmurs a "why am I even out of my bed?" and I get really sad when she does so! She's my mom's best friend... I don't think that mommy would like to not have around (Y/N)...

I glanced over my mom and saw how she was unusually quiet, and (Y/N) was the same. Both of them were not talking, only watching the rest of the city in silence and with... fear? (Y/N)'s eyes were smaller than normal, looking everywhere while she scratched her hand. I've noticed she does that when she feels... anxious? I think that's the word she and my mom uses when they are really afraid of something that doesn't even exist yet. Is that how every adult feels? I don't want to grow up, then!

When we arrived home, my mom's friend left almost immediately. She said she was going to lose the subway at this point, and that she has work tomorrow. Mommy smiled sadly but accepted her reasons anyways. I hugged (Y/N) tightly... and I heard her sob for a second. I looked at her eyes and noticed that their usual and beautiful light was weaker than ever... is she sad again? 

"Are you sad, Miss (L/N)?" I whispered after releasing from her hug, not wanting my mom to hear. 

"I... I'm okay, really" She said after a minute, showing a big and bright smile I always have admired. "I'm always okay. Don't worry about me, sweetheart!"

I smiled with her because I love the nickname she gave a long time ago. She calls me like that since I have memory. Before Freddy came, before we moved into Ebott City... before monsters were here...

She has called me sweetheart since ever, and I feel really loved when does so. I also feel really loved when she plays with me, when she tickles me out of nowhere, when she tells me incredible stories of dragons and princesses, or when she gives me a candy with a post-it... that usually has a smiley face with a compliment that always makes me giggle. 

She loves me, and I love her. I love her like I love mom. And now that I know that mom loves me too, I don't think I can be happier. 

After she left, mom talked to me about what I heard. She told me she was getting trouble at work, and that she was no longer able to pay for my school. I comforted her, like always, and told her that everything is okay if we are together. She smiled and hugged me, letting some tears fall again. I tensed up, remembering the skeleton. 

"Mom?" I asked, hoping she could help me "If you saw a stranger crying and insulting themselves, what would you do?"

She remained silent, then hold my face and looked at my eyes. 

"I would ask them cautiously... I would need to confirm it isn't a trap first. Then... I guess I would give them a small pat on their shoulder and leave"

I nodded in silence, suddenly interested in how different can people be. My mom would hesitate to help someone crying, but I would instantly tug their sleeve and hug them. Maybe (Y/N) would do the same, considering how helplessly she cares about monsters. 

That skeleton is really different from me, I realize. While I like to tell my mother why I was crying or why I was angry... he just tells his problems to himself. Or maybe he is the problem. 

This is so confusing. 

I went to bed earlier because all that thinking got me really tired. I normally don't think about this too deeply... but he has surely caught my attention. Maybe because he's a monster, and I've never seen one before. Or to think that a monster can have the same feelings as a human... is fascinating. 

I slept peacefully after thinking that, hoping I could see that skeleton again. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

Strangely, after knowing I have depression, I feel even worse than before. Know I can't consider it as "hey, i'm just feeling a bit down... which happens to everyone!". Know it's considered as "jesus christ i'm so fucking depressed today and no one will understand why... or they'll look at me at pity because they know i'm mentally unstable". It's horrible to feel that way. 

Today, I did nothing too special...

I just went to apply to Ebott University. 

I know, I'm fucking crazy! Why in the world I would be accepted in that place?! (Y/N) got accepted there because she's truly smart and knows how to keep balance with things, but me? I'm a fucking mess! Why would I ever think I had a chance?!

But there I go, to show my documents and present my exam. They say they'll tell me how I went in three weeks...

Can't I just skip time and pretend nothing happened?

I don't want anyone to know I failed... but I also can't tell them I'm not even trying to have a nice job in order to maintain the house. I don't want to become "that stupid skeleton that was too lazy to finish college and know sells hot dogs and teaches kids how to play the trombone".

...

Actually, I haven't taught anyone how to play the trombone...

But that's beside the point. 

I truly want to become a scientist and being able to wear a lab coat proudly. I also want to have an excuse so I can wear my glasses more often. Too much crying is making me fucking blind. 

I want to know all those things I don't know about Quantum Physics, Chemistry, and if possible, all the sciences existant on Earth! I've been reading sciencey stuff since I was a kid... I can't back down now. I love science with a passion... but am I good enough to proclaim its name with glory?

Maybe it should be better for me to become a lonely and anonymous writer that talks about how to avoid any relationship with your family and unlucky friends. I can imagine it, really. The book can be called "Easy Ways to become a Dick and never have to struggle with the people you love again! (Only for messed up people, like me)". Or it can also be "How to make your family and friends upset with you so you can finally die alone without anyone caring (or going to your funeral... if you have one!)". 

...yeah... those names are shit. I kinda like them, though. They are as ironic as my existential self is. I mean, deep down inside of me, I care about what people think of me. But I show that I don't give a fuck about, well, everything! Do you want to know how many girlfriends I put away because I thought they deserved something better?

...

All of them. Even Candace, that nasty bitch that slept with everyone in high school... including me...

...

Don't get me wrong. 

The thing is, maybe I'm doing this way more dramatic that it should be. But... most of it it's true, though. 

I'll die alone with no one loving me!

...

At least I won't die virgin...

...

That doesn't comfort me AT ALL. 

Maybe I should just go and leave everything behind...

Maybe I should...

After applying for Ebott University, I went for a walk. I didn't want to come back home and see Papyrus cheering me. I'm not ready to change his happy expression into a worried and disappointed look. I'm not ready to see him cry...

i aM nOT rEAdY tO sEe hOw he hATeS mE...

Papyrus is the only one I'm still holding to, or else I would be really gone by now. 

I...

I cried in the middle of my walk. 

I thought I heard some people talking around me, but at that moment, I didn't give a fuck about it. However, I heard some footsteps getting awfully closer, and I teleported before I had the crazy idea to look behind me. I don't want anyone to know. 

No one needs to know. 

So here I am now, in my room with Maya. Paps found out about Maya this morning, but since he states that I've been quite down lately, he let my dog stay. Wow. Am I that pitiful? Even my own brother takes pity on me. 

I received a call. 

I didn't answer. 

Maybe I should start writing that book right now...


	20. I don't deserve any of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad habits die hard.

*Your POV*

My mind was wandering all over Miriam when I was on my trip to finally come back to my apartment. I feel really anxious about her being way too smart for her age... and for her own good. She... she just understands things she isn't supposed to understand! She... no. She's too innocent. If she keeps up with her "let's figure it out" shit, she's going to lose all of the childhood's sparkle before ten. And believe me, that sucks. More if it was your own fault. 

Soon enough, I was already walking my way home. It was dark outside and, therefore, I quickened my pace. I don't want to be paranoid (I am), but it's not safe to go outside all by yourself in the night. Less if you are a woman. A grown, developed, and not-able-to-defend-her-lame-ass woman. I tried my best to not look scared, but I surely failed on that. The first image you can get about me is being all quirky and overreactive. The quietest of sounds could have beaten the crap out of me. I... I will probably die by a heart attack at this point. Which it's something I'm also scared of. 

I arrived home safely, and as soon as I put a foot in my messy apartment, I fell to my knees. Lately, I feel like nothing in my life is under control. Everything just goes its own way, and I feel like I can do anything about it...

I can't let things be that way. 

Not when I promised myself that I would take initiative. 

I looked over that dark notebook laying on my small table, and I grabbed it seconds later. I read all those things on the list and sighed, knowing it was a lot. Yes, sure, there was the "go to a professional" thing, but there were more. Things like "play the electric guitar again", "read more", "be more open", "try to contact your family", and a lot more. Things I haven't done a long time ago: months, years, or even decades...

There have been seven years since I contacted a member of my family. 

Suddenly, a shiver went down through my spine, and I gulped quietly. My own problems and worries have put me apart from them, but now that I'm an adult... maybe, and just maybe, I can clear my agenda and try to do something with them. I miss them, but I was really clear when I told them that I would not be able to see them again until I got my life together. They admired me for that kind of strength, or so I think. I hope they are capable to understand. 

Now, playing electric guitar again may be a bit harder... considering I live in an apartment. I can't put loud music so the chances of me playing loud music are even lower. However, if I can find a way to play it somewhere else... I'll do it. 

After buying a new one, of course. I sold mine years ago. 

I checked my cellphone subconsciously and saw that I had like a million messages pending. Toriel, Papyrus, Alphys, Mettaton... all of them texted me for... god knows why. 

Ok, check them out!

So...

Toriel was asking me if I wanted to visit her home tomorrow. She specified that everyone was invited, so it would be a social gathering with the same group of friends. 

How nice, but do I really deserve that?

...

Maybe not.

But fuck it. 

You: Of course I'll go! 

You: Thank you so much for inviting me!

Mrs. Toriel: It's nothing, my child

Mrs. Toriel: I understand you have work, so you can come here the hour is more convenient to you. 

Mrs. Toriel: The others will probably be here by 2 pm. 

Mrs. Toriel: So you decide  
~

Wow, isn't that accessible?

You: Thanks, Mrs. 

You: I'll see what time I can arrive

Mrs. Toriel: Very well, then

Mrs. Toriel: We will see you tomorrow

You: Sure thing, thanks  
~

I felt really numb at rereading her messages and really happy about it. Even though one of the problems was already solved, they were still willing to meet me out of work issues! I smiled wider, considering I could finally have better friends than I ever have made. 

I checked Alphys next, who was suggesting me to go to their home sometime to see anime. There have been years since I've ever seen an anime, but I accepted anyways. Last time I was invited to see one... it was a hentai. I immediately ran away. But I don't think Alphys would be so inconsiderate to actually put hentai, right?

After watching how she rambled about how many animes were here on the Surface, I noticed how she has the same problem as I do... anxiety. Sans has some of my problems as well, yes, but to find someone with anxiety really... makes me feel welcomed. Because they know she has this problem and, still, they accept her. And she accepts me, too...

I should hang out with her more often. 

Mettaton was just telling me if we could someday talk about him entering into TV shows and stuff like that. He also asked me if I thought that a karaoke contest for tomorrow would be a good idea. Now, people have told me I can sing, but... 

I just sing for myself. 

That's the problem. 

I don't think I'll be able to show up and sing in front of all of them. Honestly, I prefer playing music and hum the melody. But singing without an instrument in front of me? Oh, that's messed up.

But...

I wasn't able to tell him no. 

Don't judge me, please! I don't want to ruin the fun nor contradict him! My anxiety doesn't let me do so. And so I told him that it'll be a great idea...

Fuck my life. 

I checked on Papyrus's messages quickly trying to forget the mistake I just made, and...

Read it yourself. 

The Great Papyrus!: HELLO HUMAN!

The Great Papyrus!: I WANTED TO DISCUSS SOMETHING WITH YOU

The Great Papyrus!: YOU SEE, SANS HAS BEEN REALLY DOWN LATELY...

The Great Papyrus!: YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT HIS PROBLEM, AND...

The Great Papyrus!: I JUST NEED HELP, HUMAN!  
~

Oh sweet Lord, what happened now? He...

Oh, don't tell me.   
~

You: Papy

You: Since when you've been watching him like this?

You: I mean, on edge

The Great Papyrus!: EVER SINCE WE WENT OUT OF THE PSYCHOLOGIST

The Great Papyrus!: HE JUST KEEPS HIDING IN HIS ROOM MORE THAN USUAL

The Great Papyrus!: AND MUMBLES THINGS TO HIMSELF...

The Great Papyrus!: I HEARD HIM SOBBING YESTERDAY, TOO  
~

Oh no.

I flinched at the sight of what Papyrus just told me. I know it isn't a big deal, but... it is certainly bad. Mostly because that's what happens to me too. 

Psychologists aren't... the best for my case. I prefer other types of therapy, but I honestly haven't find the correct one...

Sans seems to have the same issue. 

Someone that openly hears your problems out of nowhere seems so... surreal. Then, when you think about it as they only do it for money, the feeling of being alone gets worse. I never thought Sans would have the same issue, and now I was feeling extremely guilty. I, in the first place, was the one who suggested Papyrus go to one. I'm such an idiot, I should have known. 

You: Papyrus, try to set him into another session with the psychologist

You: If he feels bad again, try to set him into another type of therapy

The Great Papyrus!: LIKE WHICH ONE?  
~

Shit. 

You: I certainly don't know, Papyrus

You: But exercise can help

You: According to what I've been told, Sans is really lazy

The Great Papyrus!: YOU ARE RIGHT INDEED, HUMAN

The Great Papyrus!: I WILL TRY MY BEST

You: I bet

You: I' ll try to help him as well

The Great Papyrus!: THANKS, HUMAN!

The Great Papyrus!: YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT FRIEND!  
~

Am I? I certainly don't know. Oh well, I'll try my best to be supportive! Papyrus can't help Sans all by himself, and I know that the short skeleton is having a hard time. He's been nice lately... and I would love to be able to help him.

I hope they can be okay. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Papyrus's POV*

After talking with the young human, I felt determined enough to go on and search on the Internet the best activities for my brother. He is lazy, yes, but he's really talented! For example, when we were younger, he used to sing for a living. Everyone in the Underground adored his voice, even Mettaton recognized multiple times that Sans is better at singing than him! 

But now... he doesn't like to show his talent anymore. He gave up and said that there were more important things to do...

But I disagree. 

I know that Sans loves singing with a passion! I know that he misses being cheered by all the monsters, including a few times the King himself! I know that he really likes singing!

Therefore, I think there's nothing more important than that. Because that's what he likes, what he dreams about! I bet he still thinks about those wonderful times where it was just the microphone and him, singing at the top of his nonexistent lungs, and making everyone feel the pain and love those songs expressed. He loves rock, just as I have noticed the human does as well. He tends to sometimes hum the songs because he still loves them! I can't let him go away from his dream!

He... is also kind of a nerd. 

A good nerd. 

I remember that the work that excited him the most was being in the lab and do experiments for the Underground's own good. He always has loved science with a passion, but he just left it because of dad! I should be angry with our father for that, but... I think he deserves a second chance. Even if he has treated Sans horribly these last years!

I...

I just want Sans to be happy. 

Toriel invited all of us to go to a social gathering in her house, and I really hope this can lift up his spirit! 

...

I just remembered an awful joke he made days ago. 

I groaned silently and chuckled a bit for myself, while I was still looking for something he could do. Maybe the psychologist wasn't a great idea since Sans likes to bottle up his feelings. If he doesn't say his issues with I, the Great Papyrus, then why would I think he would say them to someone else?! 

I continued my research, looking for several activities for him to do. Maybe we can buy a ukulele; he loves that instrument! Not more than the trombone, but he likes to play old rock songs that are normally soft. He also likes Elvis Presley a lot, and most of his songs can be arranged into ukulele! So yeah! That little guitar can surely help!

Or maybe play battery... but I think is more expensive. Besides, with no one playing an electric guitar or another instrument, there's really no point... or well, at least for me! He should have an instrument that he can play as a solo!

He also used to read a lot before he became so sad. He loves writing stories, mostly science fiction with complicated terms. And he's a great story-teller as well! He is the one that reads me my bedtime story each night, and his interpretation is just perfect! He rambles about all the book he has loved... 

He is a professional reader! I remember that time he finished "The Count of Monte Cristo" in one day! And when I looked at the book, it was really long! More than a thousand pages, that's for sure!

I'm... I'm proud of what he really is. Not everyone gets to see the dedicated and passionate side of him, the side of him caring about a lot of things. Everyone classifies him as lazy and careless-and he may be- but he has feelings and hobbies. Sans usually feels embarrassed of them... he just wants someone to share these things freely! Yes, he has me (of course), but he wants someone else! 

"SANS! COME HERE!" I screamed, knowing that lazybones won't hear me if I don't do so "WE NEED TO LOOK FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN DO!"

"lea..."

"WHAT?!"

"leave..."

"LEAVE WHAT?!"

"leave... ah... eh?"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"

"leave me the fuck alone papyrus!"

"NO BROTHER! I CAN'T FUCKING LEAVE YOU ALONE! YOU NEED FUCKING HELP, AND YOU'LL HELP ME GET IT!"

"fuck you!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What is going on in here?!" My mother shouted, and we both went silent. I normally don't explode so quickly, but I'm becoming desperate. I know Sans feels sad and thinks that nothing has a purpose, but it isn't fair he is not helping! This is, overall, for him to be fine! 

I tried my best to reason with him. He didn't respond to any of my questions. I could have had a better conversation with our pet rock. Arial did try but went worse than I did. I returned searching on the Internet, now sitting on the couch instead of the dinner table. Mom decided to make dinner tonight, so I let her train! When she gets ready, I'll teach her how to be a master chef like I, the Great Papyrus! NYEH HEH HEH!

I was getting enthusiastic, and for an instant, I thought that cooking may help Sans. I know I said he doesn't like it, but... it's just like science, right? If he can do Chemistry, then he can easily cook his breakfast! Or spaghetti!

A door being closed was heard, which made me turn around in hope. There he was! Sans, my only brother plus my biggest admirer, was finally out of his room! However, when I was about to go towards him, he ran through the stairs and went for the door. 

"fuck it" I heard him mutter under his breath. 

And before I could react, he shut the main entrance closed. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

I was in my room, doing nothing but getting more depressed. Not even memes were helping anymore, which it's to worry. They are way better than antidepressants, but... are they enough? Probably not. 

"SANS!" Papyrus screamed as if his voice wasn't loud enough for me to hear "COME HERE! WE NEED TO LOOK FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN DO!"

Oh hell no. 

I know that Papyrus is trying his best to help me, and I do appreciate it, but God... not even I know how to help myself. I don't know what's gotten into me, either! I think it's the thought that everything may reset at any moment, but I don't know! I don't fucking know if that's the problem in the first place!

"leave me alone, papyrus" I answered quietly, trying to not be harsh. I love my brother, I don't want to be rude to him...

"WHAT?!" Knew it was WAY too quiet. 

"leave, papyrus, leave"

"LEAVE WHAT?!" Oh my God.

"leave me, papyrus! leave... ah... eh? oh right. leave... me, ok? leave me alone!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Oh, you didn't. 

"leave me the fuck alone papyrus!" 

"NO BROTHER! I CAN'T FUCKING LEAVE YOU ALONE! YOU NEED FUCKING HELP, AND YOU'LL HELP ME GET IT!" Oh, so now you do hear, huh? Only when curses are involved, of course. Oh, brother, you'll REGRET IT!

"fuck you!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, forgetting for a moment that it's my beloved brother who I'm screaming to. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" SHUT UP!

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Arial then intervened, making us shut our freaking mouths. Before silence became way too unbearable, Papy tried to reason with me. I didn't answer, feeling to dread for words. Arial tried as well, and with more reason, I didn't respond. They gave up eventually (predictably as well), the feeling of dread still on my chest. I... I just keep pushing people away from me! They ask me, they want to know! God, I'm such a jerk. 

I got out of my room then, not knowing exactly what I was about to do. My brother noticed me, Arial didn't, and Gaster was out... again. Being successful in his job... being able to wear a lab coat once again. I got angrier and went downstairs immediately.

"fuck it" I muttered, in hope that no one heard me. 

And I went outside. 

It was pretty dark already, no people seemed to be walking around. I stopped myself from breaking down and went downtown, not sure of what I was about to do. God, I behave like an edgy teenager. I'm twenty-two, for fuck's sake. Shouldn't I have my life better settled? Instead, it's messier than before. Thanks, Surface! Just what I needed!

Neon lights make the city brighter. Artificial lights. I wanted to come to the Surface so I could see the stars... but now it's impossible. I groaned and continued walking, feeling stupid 'cause one day I thought this will be better. I was wrong. I was so goddamn wrong. 

Before I realized, there I was... in front of a bar. 

Oh no, not again Sans! This is not going to make things better...

But it's gonna make them disappear... at least for a while...

Fuck it. 

I went inside and a predictable sight greeted me, along with the smell of fast food and alcohol combined with a bit of nostalgia. Either flirting, babbling or... making out. All the people at this point were already insane. But I continued walking. 

"Hello sir" A young woman waved at me, and I waved back "What would you want?"

"is vodka available?"

"Sure thing! Is there anything else you would want?"

"a bottle of ketchup... i'll pay for it, i swear"

The first shot of vodka came with a bottle of ketchup by its side. I took the shot then drank a bit of ketchup, and there it was: that fantastic flavor I got to feel in Grillby's for the first time. I ordered another shot. And another. And another. I lost the count and already had to order another bottle of ketchup. I forgot everything. 

Soon after that... I think I was flirting with a drunk chick or something. She flirted back but, thankfully, nothing happened...

Nothing, indeed. 

I lose consciousness after one minute of flirting, falling roughly on a table before I heard a weak wave of happy laughter...

Ah, unconsciousness. 

I really missed you.


	21. Short people are moody or bipolar?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a normal day chilling with friends.

*Frisk's POV*

I looked over the mirror in my room and smiled. I was wearing a plain purple sweater and a pink skirt, along with my wonderful brown boots and a small pink ribbon in my short hair. I was ready to see them all. To have the day of our lives with them!

I sighed, knowing it will probably won't be that exciting. Everything in my life makes me feel empty and... incomplete. That's why I kept on resetting; so I could finally be able to find the path I wanted. However, I haven't, and...

I can't reset any longer. 

It's probable that Sans will throw a party after knowing, but I? I simply don't know how to react. The resets were the best power in my life, the only thing that made me feel special. And now, all of that is gone... because I have stayed in the Surface for too much time. That's why I never did a "Pacifist" route, I always killed at least one monster.

oR sOMEtIMeS i wOUld vAnISh tHEm aLL.

It's... quite funny, you know? It interests me how far someone can get thanks to the curiosity we eventually deal with. Also boredom. The kind of power a simple human girl like me can have due to her personality is also quite impressive. But how does it work? How a single trait is able to determine (get it? because mine's determination? *wink wink*) a whole person? Everyone has a lot of backstory, ideals, dreams, hopes, and problems. How can only a word represent all of it? It's just amazing how souls work and how their power depends on each person individually. I have a theory, though...

I think that the trait is settled only in the Underground thanks to the huge concentration of magic the Surface lacks. In that place, it was able to see the purest and original trait of the person, but in the Surface, thanks to all the experiences, this trait is slightly modified, changing its color into a combination of the first one and others. That would make more sense, and each soul would be different, just like our fingerprints. 

That, however, won't explain why all monsters have the same color and, therefore, trait. All of their souls are white and, according to some reading I made, the color means more than a simple word. No. Their souls are made of love, hope, compassion... or so the books say. The whole consistency of a soul is unknown, still. After all, humans' souls have proven to don't need these things to exist. Then what is exactly a soul? 

Monsters are... way too attached to their souls. If they are afraid or not willing to fight, then their defenses will grow weaker. If they are mentally unstable, depressed, or with another problem in their personality and mind... their hp will be way too low. That's why I suspect that Sans has problems of this kind and that he has lost all hope in continue living. Hp means "hope", so it makes complete sense. He has only one hp, but also only one of defense, which must mean he is vulnerable. 

Mmm...

Vulnerable, huh?

Is he like that because of what I've done these past timelines?

Unfortunately for me, I have not found the way to make a True Reset. For that reason, Sans remembers all the timelines I have created since I fell in the Underground. He also remembers Flowey's timelines, which is quite odd. Where did this guy find the secrets of determination? How has he been able to remember everything if he lacks determination? Sans, in none of the timelines, has been the most determined monster in the Underground. Besides Flowey, Undyne was way too determined. But why she doesn't remember? I must ask Gaster about this...

After all, he is the one who experimented with Sans...

The mere thought of someone using their own son as a lab rat makes me sick but thrilled at the same time. That's I've always found a fascination for how Sans still lives, after all the experiments he has suffered. Of course, he must be enduring some psychological trauma, but that doesn't erase my fascination at all. In fact, thinking that Sans's hope and defense are down because he may have some mental disorder at this point is... is just amazing! Think of the possibilities! Sans is like an experiment himself, all modified in soul and powers. He is the only one with the ability to make artificial magic invented by a monster mind. The Gaster Blasters are a creation of his father, but Gaster himself doesn't have them. He only implemented them on Sans, and amazingly, that unnatural project can be popped up with the same effort as regular magic requires. 

Oh, c' mon. You can't tell me it isn't intriguing! 

I've... I've been fucking up Sans's mind for oh so long...

But that's a funny sight. 

The face he made when he realized I knew everything was priceless. After that encountering, Flowey and I laughed our asses off. He is so... alive! Unnaturally alive! Most of his magic and abilities are artificial (not all of them, don't get me wrong), and still... he is alive! I mean, he was born naturally, but... his strength? His strength wasn't normally developed. His ability, "Karma", is artificial. No other monster has it...

Do you know what's the best of it?

Gaster didn't create "Karma". 

Sans did. 

He is a living being, and thanks to that, his feelings of dread, revenge, and displeasure created that ability. He... he can even KILL his father in the blink of an eye! However, Sans is totally unstable in his mind. I can even say he is way too mad and crazy at this point. He's probably waiting for the next reset. Poor thing. 

Maybe, and just maybe, Sans has an artificial determination created by that ability of his... that thought is more exciting! He may have a strong determination, but since it's artificial, he has never possessed the powers over time and space. That's funny! He looks so frustrated about me being able to do so!

Or well, when I was able.

I noticed myself being daydreaming about Sans's incredible aura again, and I immediately went up from my bed. Sans is a nice pal, yes, but his power is way better than what his personality could even reach with the maximum of effort. Since he never efforts at anything, I know that his mind will never surpass the amazing magic he has been blessed with. 

The possibility of having artificial power is endearing. Just imagine it! If we open our research with human advanced technology, we'll be able to create a new form of life that is COMPLETELY not made by a god or nature. 

Oh Jesus! Imagine when that happens!

My life won't be boring anymore!

It'll be like a sci-fi novel!

And I will never have the urge to reset again! 

I'll finally... finally-!

I'll finally feel complete...! 

"My child!" My mom screamed, her being downstairs of our huge house "Undyne and Alphys have arrived!" 

"Gimme a minute!" I answered, and enthusiastically went out of my room. There are high probabilities that the skeleton family will come today, and I'm super excited about it! Gaster is super nice when he's around me, Arial is a sweetheart, Papyrus is a cute cinnamon role and Sans... well, his power! 

My OTP, Alphys and Undyne, greeted me at the moment they saw me. They looked... a bit tired. Nothing I can't understand, of course. The house changes and the new step of their relationship can surely make someone feel devastated. That feeling of dread... what I've been feeling since two years ago...

Maybe the hormones are responsible for that. 

But I don't care. 

I don't deserve to feel empty and without a purpose. How can someone feel like this and not die? Two years have been enough. I bet no one has passed over five. 

It's stupid. 

Really stupid. 

People who feel like this for five years have killed themselves by now. 

After some minutes, the rest of our guests arrived. (Y/N) was quite punctual...

Oh, (Y/N)...

She is... interesting. 

That strange glimpse of DETERMINATION I saw on her eyes the day she met us has caught my attention. I... I don't think I could define her with a single trait. She is too diverse, too deep of a person. I bet she hides things. I can see it in her desperate look, like if she's trying to escape. Is she bored like I am of regular life? Oh, I bet we'll be pretty good friends if that's the case! She's really smart... she'll understand the concept of time and space manipulation. And when she hears it, she'll be as fascinated as I am. No doubt about it. 

I should investigate her more. 

When I saw the skeleton family arriving, my heart skipped a beat. But... I think Sans wasn't that well. Did he tire himself? His own powerful existence tires him up a lot. 

"SANS! BEHAVE!" Papyrus scolded him after the short skeleton punched Mettaton on the arm... quite roughly. 

"fuck this robot" Ok, this isn't like him at all. He's normally pretty laid-back and with an "i don't give a shit" attitude. But now? He looks like cares! This isn't the Sans I know! "actually, fuck everyone"

"SANS!"

"papyrus"

"STOP IT! I KNOW YOU ARE ANGRY AND ALL THAT STUFF, BUT PLEASE! DON'T ACT LIKE A BABYBONES! YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!"

Sansy groaned loudly which worried everyone in the room. Something bad must have happened...

Hope it doesn't involve his magic. 

We started our evening by playing an old board game that Sans surprisingly loves: Yahtzee. Minute by minute, the madness of the short skeleton started to go away until he said the first pun in that evening. Everyone knew then that Sans was back. 

Honestly, he is the perfect definition of "messed up teenager". He is pretty... bipolar, and sometimes he is just too... childish. Too mature and, at the same time, too stupid. How can someone like that exist?

How?

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Papyrus's POV*

Thanks to a bit of effort, Sans was back to his usual, punny self. And well, I also have to thank Yahtzee. He loves that game with an unhealthy passion. And I say unhealthy because he mostly played it on the bar of Grillby...

Talking about bars...

Remember when Sans left the house all angry? Well, guess what?! He went to a freaking bar!

I was so disappointed when I found him there, unconscious and on top of a table. He had a small glass on his side, which I think it's for smaller beings than him (which it's weird since he is pretty small. He is only 5'1 feet tall!). Anyways, he was just there, obviously passed out thanks to that horrible thing called alcohol. Seriously, the life of my brother would be way better if that thing didn't exist in the first place. That's something that messes up with him as well. He just doesn't want to admit it. 

After finding and scolding him when he woke up, he became really mad at us. No, I don't think mad... more like moody. It is said that short people are moody! That must explain it...!

Sans has been pretty bipolar these last days. He is at first happy and then he's angry. Sans wasn't this moody when we were younger. I have the theory that all these sudden changes and how often does he see our parents now are the major causes of this problem. This is becoming so overwhelming for him that he needed to feel at home again... and that's why he went to a bar. 

I don't pity him, but I know he's been through a lot. He doesn't even know how to express or even call his own feelings, something that interests me. I'm quite good at expressing myself, but him? Maybe he never was good at this, but I recall those days that he used to interact with a lot of people. Now he's closing his world and he's not letting new people come in. Not even the ones he used to care about are allowed to enter there anymore. When we were younger, I practically knew everything about my brother. I can't confirm that now. He's been pushing everyone away, including me. I don't know his thoughts, I don't know how he sees life. I only know his likings, and there's where I'm trying to base myself on my research. 

After a few of board games later, my favorite star (Mettaton) caught everyone's attention with his marvelous and robotic voice. Sans seemed a little annoyed, but he quickly joked about it...

I'm worried. 

I think Sans has been using these jokes to despise us and make us think he is fine when he clearly isn't. Thinking about it, (Y/N) smiles a lot and tries to show a positive image when she may be struggling with her problems. She shows a bit of confidence and clear kindness, but is that all she wants to let us know? According to what I've seen with my brother, he hides his feelings until he is on the edge. Is she the same? Is she trying to hide her mind from us? Why in the world do they think it's a good idea?

...

I don't think I'll ever understand them. 

"Beauties!" Mettaton exclaimed glamorously, like always! "My creative and artistic mind has settled the next activity: A KARAOKE CONTEST!"

"OH MY GOD!" I gasped happily, with the hope that my brother would sing again "THIS IS GOING TO BE AMAZING!"

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

Yeah, now I was really regretting this. 

A lot of the people present thought it would be a wonderful idea. Some were more hesitant about it, and a certain someone was... scared?

"oh hell no. i'm not doing this"

"C' MON SANS! YOU SING REALLY GOOD! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE!"

Wait, so he sings? Or well, sang?

Papyrus kept on complaining that his brother had a real talent for singing. I was not the only one dumbfounded at this statement. In fact, the only one who was not surprised was Mettaton, confirming what the tall skeleton was saying. 

For destiny reasons, I had to agree with joining the competition. Mostly because everyone was going to join (except Flowey). It was about to get awful, I knew it. Thank God that Sans wasn't angry anymore. He was more like... anxious and having a panic attack. He...

ohmygodheisnotdoingfinehelookslikeheisgoingtocollapseohgodaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Em pal...?" I tried to sound as confident as possible. I failed. "Are you okay? You look like you've just seen a ghost?"

"i... i'm fine, kid" I sighed in relief when he seemed to be more relaxed. "by the way, what do ghosts have to do with all of this? i just saw napstablook and i was pretty much okay"

Oh right, ghosts are indeed a thing...

I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

"So... is it true that you used to sing?" I asked, trying not to fall into the dark hole of awkwardness.

He remained silent for a moment, and his expression was pretty... shocked. I thought I may have touched a complicated topic, but when I was about to apologize, he answered. 

"i used to. i just don't have the guts to do it anymore"

...

Oh my God, I'm going to kill this guy. 

He remarkably smirked while I rolled my eyes, feeling like a complete idiot. At least I was sure of something: I didn't hurt his feelings at all. That made me feel peaceful and sort of... angry? More like pissed off, actually. After all, I was the only one worrying, and Sans? Oh, he never gave a shit. 

So...

Mettaton went first on this stupid contest. Said he had to "make the beginners feel confident". He sang REALLY good, yes, but...

"INSIDE MY HEART IS BREAKING! MY MAKE-UP MAY BE FLAKING BUT MY SMILE... STILL, STAYS ON!" Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnndddddd he struck a dramatic pose on top of a table. Again. 

I couldn't help but cringe at every time he did so. A wonderful Queen song, ruined by dramatic actions between lyrics. I kept my cool and hummed the song silently, trying not to punch the robot on the face. I don't hate the guy, but Jesus, he was starting to flirt with everyone! The song is not even flirty!

"MY SOUL IS PAINTED LIKE THE WINGS OF BUTTERFLIES! FAIRYTALES OF YESTERDAY, WILL GROW BUT NEVER DIE! I CAN FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MY FRIIEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" And he jumped from the table and fell on his metallic butt...

Before I could tell myself what was wrong and what was right I laughed loudly. He gasped in fake horror, and soon more people started to laugh as well. He finished the song more dramatic than ever, and after that, he punched me lightly on the arm. 

"Dude, what the-"

"You don't have the right to offend me, darling!" He laughed mischievously " And, as a consequence, now is your turn!" 

Oh no. 

I felt how my heart stopped for a moment, and then, how fast it started to beat. 

I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. 

...

Yes, I can. 

I took a deep breath and let the song picker choose. You bet I was shaking, but... I somehow felt sure about myself in that place. They have shown nothing but kindness and support, so I went along with it. What a silly song would change?

And so I sang "Dream" by Imagine Dragons. It's such a powerful song, and I let myself get lost on it. They applauded me, just like they did with everyone else, and it was really good actually. I was having fun, I felt really welcomed. My singing wasn't spectacular, but still, I received a couple of compliments. 

How can they be so nice?

Everything went well, the rounds started to pass by and more applauses came in the end. That, until it was Sans's turn. 

"do i really need to do it?"

"SANS! JUST FREAKING DO IT!"

Sans sighed and stood in front of all of us. It doesn't matter how hard he tried to hide it- panic was still visible in his eyes. His posture was normal, his smile as well, but his eyes said everything. He was scared of people not liking his voice. He felt overwhelmed because he was overrated. He had our expectations high...

He just didn't want to disappoint anyone. 

It's kind of scary how relatable I see Sans. He shows a smile and a laid-back personality, but in reality, he cares. His look says it all. 

And just when things were not bad enough, the song picker chose "Buttercup" by Jack Stauber. And oh, that's a hell of a song to make it sound good. However, he didn't complain. In fact, he was looking pretty dead at that point. 

And before he was ready, the music started.


	22. You like jazz?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway...  
Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible

*Sans's POV*

The universe was against me. "Buttercup" is a hard song to make it sound nice, no matter how many times I have listened to it. Puts me extremely nervous to know I have to interpret it. I love the song, so... I never would want to ruin it.

Now, years had passed since I quit singing in public, and the fact that their opinion matters to me... let's just say I wasn't confident at all. 

It was so strange, though. The music started, the looks were on me... but I felt that I had to do it. I had this discussion with Paps earlier, and he's having a rough time with my situation... I wanted to make it up for him. I love my bro, I know he's trying to help. I don't know what I was expecting when he saw me passed out on a table. It was quite obvious that he would scold me.

And so I sang. 

I never thought I would feel that... "funny" feeling if I ever got myself to sing again. Somehow, it happened. I felt great at singing the song by heart and mimicking the instrumentals in my head. And as great as the music felt, the applauses made me feel even better. It felt so... surreal. 

So oddly surreal. 

But I couldn't care less. 

"YAY! MY BROTHER'S MUSICAL CAREER HAS RETURNED!" Papy exclaimed with a goofy grin. 

"Dude, we don't even need to do votation!" Undyne surprisingly commented. 

The positive comments were starting to get me. I felt like floating, like if I was in a dream. I know this must mean nothing to a lot of people... but for me? Oh, of course, it does. I was so scared to sing because their opinions matter... but I noticed that some may always provide me support. Like Papyrus. 

Maybe I should try this more often. 

The night continued after that, everyone deciding I was the winner. I felt like a champion, but tried not to get too attached to that title. Instead, I shrugged it off and continued to get onto everyone's nerves with my fantastic puns. 

It is quite... interesting how a simple recognition can make me happy. Maybe it's because I don't get complimented often. Maybe it's because I've been seeing myself as a fucking and talentless idiot these days. Maybe, and just maybe, I was feeling more anxious than ever, and then I realized it was no use. 

Eh, it could have been whatever. Not that I should really get into it.

"Now let's play... 7 minutes in heaven!" The stupid robot said, and I swear I wasn't the only one who cringed. 7 minutes in heaven is... horrible. And I would never let my brother play that horrid game. What if they had to go with Frisk? Oh, I would not be able to take it. 

"Pardon my ignorance, but... what is 7 minutes in heaven?" (Y/N) asked nervously. Oh girl, you really don't want to know. 

Wait, but how does she don't know? I thought this was a human-made game...

"But punk! This is a traditional sleepover game!" Undyne, having the same doubt as I, asked her. She played with her fingers and muttered that she never tend to go to sleepovers, which made my brother gasp. 

"HUMAN! I SHOULD INVITE YOU MORE OFTEN, THEN! YOU JUST CAN'T WASTE THE WONDERFUL YEARS OF YOUR YOUNGHOOD WITHOUT HAVING A SUPER FUN SLEEPOVER! LESS IF IT'S WITH THE GREAT PAPYRUS!" She chuckled lightly, a sound that definitely I would love to hear more often. She's really quiet, I just hope she was more open and confident in our friend group...

And for that, you need to stop being an asshole, Sans. 

I shook my head, reminding myself how horrible my thoughts can get if I don't stop them in time. Now I had the head (or skull?) more clear, and I couldn't waste the opportunity. It's being a while- I need to focus seriously on the future while I still can. 

And on the present as well. 

"O-ok, so... what about if we... play another thing?" Alphys muttered, and I immediately nodded. If you can't already tell, I hate that game. It's pathetic and for flustered teenagers with a silly crush. I've never been a huge fan of that. 

"Ok, ok!" Mettaton groaned, obviously angered by no choosing his horrible idea "Let's watch a movie, then!"

"THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA, METTATON. I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL MAKE SURE TO CHOOSE THE PERFECT FEATURE-LENGTH FILM FOR THIS EVENING!" Then he rushed to Tori's living room and put on that Netflix thingy. I like that site, but Youtube is better. It has more variety and more stupid things. Also, no bad jokes restrainment. Perfect for someone like me. 

I lost myself into thinking in what I would possibly choose to do if Frisk doesn't reset. The timeline problem is quite a huge one, but if the world decides to be on my side, then what would be next? Getting a career? Spend the rest of my days on a bar?

Yeah, the last one doesn't seem like the best option...

One of my childhood dreams was to get on the Surface and become either a great scientist or a talented writer. Now I have the possibility to stop calling it a dream. As much as I love quantum physics, though, writing is something that still has my heart. I'm much more of a reserved guy than what everyone thinks. I may joke, I may laugh, I may strike up conversations instantly, but the real me is an introvert. And a nerd. 

Maybe I can become a freaking science teacher, a formal scientist, a crazy man who invents stupid things, a bonely skeleton living with twelve dogs (because I love dogs. Fite me), or even a hotdog seller. I can be anything I want to be! ...

Dude, I sounded like a Barbie commercial. 

But what I mean is that I have endless opportunities on the tip of my fingers, and I won't let them go that easily. I think that the first step would be applying to a university...

Which I already did. 

I mentally facepalmed when I remembered that day. I was saying stupid puns in my head to call me down, but that wasn't working. I wasn't in my right mind and, still, I went and do a freaking three-hour exam. What a smart decision. 

Well, if I'm somehow accepted, I'll throw a huge party. That involves sleeping. In my room...

Wait-no. 

Ah, forget it. 

I will somehow celebrate it, then. Maybe spoiling myself with a bottle of ketchup or make my sock collection bigger. Yeah, little things like that. I should not congratulate myself so much. 

If I don't make it, though... then I guess there won't be any differences. Pretty much everything normal, except I won't be able to give Papyrus what I've always wanted to give him...

I need to work hard. 

"EVERYONE! I THINK THAT I HAVE CHOSEN AN APPROPRIATE MOVIE FOR TODAY!" Papyrus shouted, and everyone rushed into the living room "IT'S CALLED 'BEE MOVIE'!"

Bee Movie? What kind of name is that?

We all had confused looks. Everyone except the humans, that is. Both Frisk and (Y/N) were "trying" to hold back laughter.

"is it a good movie?" I asked them, not wanting to waste my time on a shitty movie. 

"Pfft-Familiar comedy" (Y/N) simply replied, smiling brightly "It's more directed to... kids. But, hey! Anyone can enjoy it!"

Something about her statement made me suspicious, but Papy believed her instantly. And so he put on the movie, and we all sat down whether on the couch or the floor. 

"According to all known laws of aviation," The movie started "there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway..."

"Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible"

Oh boy. 

(Y/N) stopped smirking but had this goofy and stupid grin written all over her face. If it ends up with some scary shit, I swear to God I'll kill her. We went on and watched how this guy, Barry B. Benson, graduated and had to choose a job. Everything was, well, normal, I guess... until he met that human girl. What was her name? Melissa? No... Oh! Vanessa! 

When Barry daydreamed about Vanessa and him flying it was... weird, to say the least. Both human girls, though, laughed loudly. It was so stupid, I need to admit it. 

The movie had puns, which I highly appreciated, but the rest of it... was stupid. That's it. Simply stupid. 

I liked the "You like jazz?" part though. I should hit on someone like that. And that joke about- wait, I'll get it. 

"He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, <>"

I think that's the most hilarious and stupid joke I've heard in a while. Or well, probably in a movie. It was so stupid and so bad that I laughed. (Y/N) did as well. And Papy stared at us like we were crazy. The others were still trying to find the joke. It was amazing. 

All those puns were driving everyone crazy. Well, except me. And those two weird girls. I actually didn't want to judge the adult so quickly, but if she does enjoy things like these... I may not be sure to change her nickname any sooner. I may also start to like her more, though. Serious but a dork- that's a nice personality I bet she has.

"-This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes!"

"-That's a drag queen!"

That scene, that fucking scene... it was perfect. I would be lying if I said I didn't love the movie. According to all known laws of film-making, no movie should be like this one. It was bizarre. That's why I loved it. 

"How good?" That lawyer asked "Do you live together? Wait a minute... are you her little... bedbug?"

Unfortunately for me, I was drinking soda at that moment. I spit it out. At the floor, thankfully, but I still embarrassed myself. This dork, (Y/N) laughed way too loud about the incident. But hey, I can't blame her. I would have done just the same if I wasn't the victim. 

"What about a suicide pact?" Barry asked Vanessa (am I seriously talking about this movie?) 

"How do we do it?" She asked. 

"I sting you, you step on me."

"That just kills you twice"

"Right, right"

Can't you see how stupid and amazing it is?! And after a minute I've just realized the name of that woman was Vanessa Bloome! And she was a freaking florist! There were puns everywhere! That silly and quite morbid sense of humor... 

If the Bee Movie was a girl, I should have married her by now. 

"So... did you enjoy the movie, guys?" Frisk asked, wearing a stupid grin. 

"IT WAS WEIRD" Papyrus bluntly replied, which made all of us laugh. 

"You sure do have a sense of humor, punk!" Undyne looked to (Y/N), and she just shrugged with a smile. 

"the movie was beeutiful. all-time favorite" I added, and laughter filled the room again. 

"it was... something" Napstablook shyly smiled, but in his face was all written: "I will never see it again". As much as we all would like to talk about it, though, Toriel came just in time to tell us that it was sleeping time. I looked over my cellphone and saw that it was, indeed, pretty late. I can't believe we were up 'till 2 am to watch something like that. Oh well. It was worth it. 

We all gave each other some goodbyes and headed to any room we would want. Papyrus had somehow made his way to reclaim the second biggest room (since Tori's is the biggest) all for his own. Since the Dreemurr family cleared up one room that was messy and made it quite nicely, now everyone had a room. I was still rooting for my dad to sleep on the couch, though...

I lied down on the bed with a happy smile... that faded after minutes passed by. 

I couldn't sleep. 

I groaned at the thought of not sleeping again and get all grumpy in the morning. That's definitely something I've been trying to avoid (unsuccessfully...). I wanted to be there for the people I care about, but the nightmares aren't helping. So it was almost 4 am, and I wanted to waste time...

You: hey

You: u awake?

C' mon, please answer!

24/7 Depressed Dork: Yep

24/7 Depressed Dork: What's up?  
~

Shit, I forgot I gave her that nickname...

Oh well. 

You: i'm bored

You: wanna talk?

24/7 Depressed Dork: Sure

24/7 Depressed Dork: ...hmm

24/7 Depressed Dork: So how's the weather in there?  
~

I'm starting to like this girl more. 

You: eh, nothing impressive

You: just a bit chilly but, y' know

You: it doesn't affect me at all

You: after all, nothing gets under my skin

24/7 Depressed Dork: I knew you would say something like that

24/7 Depressed Dork: I could feel it in my bones  
~

Perfect audience. 

You: Knock knock

24/7 Depressed Dork: Who's there?

You: cash

24/7 Depressed Dork: cash who?

You: nah, i'll have some peanuts, thanks. 

24/7 Depressed Dork: Sans, that was horrible  
~

And before I could answer her back and tell her the opposite, she surprisingly wrote: 

24/7 Depressed Dork: Knock Knock

You: wow, really?

You: ok

You: who's there?

24/7 Depressed Dork: Annie

You: annie who?

24/7 Depressed Dork: Annie thing you can do I can do better!  
~

Oh, so you are challenging me? Interesting...

You: you think so?

You: oh, you'll see

You: knock knock

24/7 Depressed Dork: Who's there?

You: dewey

24/7 Depressed Dork: Dewey who?

You: dewey have to use a condom?

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV* 

I stared amazed at the message Sans just send me and laughed quietly. Either it's a way to flirt or just a corny joke, I enjoy those things. They are... interesting, and make you think twice. And not everyone is accessible to hear this type of jokes, less making them. He has quite the sense of humor, huh?

You: Oh, I see how it is, then

You: Knock Knock

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: who's there?  
~

Ah, his nickname... 

It's amazing, I won't change it any time sooner. 

You: Ivana

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: ivana who?

You: Ivana jump your bones ;)

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: ohmygod

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: that's just way too dirty

You: You started this fight, buddy

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: i guess so

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: but two can play this game!

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: knock knock

You: Who's there?

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: hop on

You: ...

Oh my God, no. 

What I have done?

You: Hop on who?

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: hop on dis dick  
~

OHMYGODIREGRETEVERYTHINGNOW!

...

do skeletons even have a-

Calm down, don't let him see right through you. 

So for some reason, I was taking this very seriously. Like if this was going to define who was the leader or some survival shit like that. 

You: Okay, you asked for it

You: Knock Knock

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: who's there?

You: Pussy!

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: dude, what?

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: i don't get it

You: And you never will

You: Sucker  
~

It was 6 am at this point, the sun was starting to get out. What do you think it's the best way to start the day? Smiling and laughing, of course. However, I don't think it was the right time for anyone to hear Sans loud laughter in ALL THE FREAKING HOUSE. 

You: Sans, stfu

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: never

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: that was good

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: really good...

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: i have a joke for you

You: Bring it on

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: what is 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild?  
~

We're still at the dirty jokes?

You: Sans, I swear to God...

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: a $100 bill

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: what were you thinking bud? ;)  
~

...ok, he caught me red-handed. 

And so I proceeded to tell him a dirty poem...

I...

Got too carried away, okay?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not that dirty-minded.

Well, kinda. 

I memorized a dirty poem by heart...

That it made Sans laugh really hard (wait, I think that rhymed... shit). 

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: (y/n), you are my new favorite person

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: you are amazing

You: So I won?

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: definitely 

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: let me just end this contest with one question

You: Go ahead

Short and Moody is my Skelebuddy: you like jazz  
~

And I laughed like there was no tomorrow, just at how random it was and remembering Barry's face. God, I think I'm becoming more stupid than I originally thought. 

I would have made a joke or two, but the consequences of laughing so hard already arrived:

"SANS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY YOU AND THE HUMAN ARE LAUGHING?!" Oh shit. 

"ah, s-sorry bro..."

"SANS! WHY WERE YOU TEXTING THE HUMAN WHEN WERE IN THE SAME HOUSE?! THAT'S RIDICULOUS!"

I chuckled, realizing how idiotic someone can become. 

Bee Movie takes all the blame.


	23. Selfish crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good days hide the bad ones.

*Your POV*

You clearly are doubtful of other people intentions until they say it directly to you. Well, that's something that I learned today... not in the bad way, thankfully. So when I woke up and met all the monsters there, Sans asked me "in secret" if I could go with him and Papyrus to Ebott High School. He put the excuse of "i'm too old to know all that fancy crap". 

Right. He's really thinking I believe that? He's the same age as I am!

However, someone who sincerely enjoyed the bizarre humor of the Bee Movie has an integrity you can't say "no" to. So I decided to go with them after saying goodbye to everybody else, and it was... interesting. 

We walked there because Sans didn't know where the school was and, therefore, he couldn't teleport.

...

We got lost. 

Papyrus was enjoying it, though. A lot of shops were on the way, including one that had many professional ingredients for cooking any type of dishes, which I'm sure he would only use for spaghetti. There were a lot of cloth stores, too. And a Hot Topic. And a GameStop. I sure had to check a few things, to see if there were other wonderful hoodies I could add to my collection...

I... may have a thing for hoodies. 

There was this huge library as well that we were dragged in with Sans. It was amazing so I am not angry about it, but he was freaking out a lot. He didn't want to get any series of books in fear of not having all of them and never finishing the story, but he also wanted a long book. He looked every single aisle and found in most of them disappointment. Especially by the teenager ones, who just made him groan. I was glad he was in a good mood, and I even teased him a little about these novels.

"all of these angsty things suck!" He had exclaimed at me, while I was holding "Twilight" with a shit-eating grin on my face. 

"But this one was liked by the..." I checked my phone, and smiled wider "Ninety-three percent of the Google users!"

"that doesn't mean it isn't trash!" He got all grumpy, which made me tease him more. 

"Or what about "The Fault in Our Stars"? It's liked by the ninety-six percent! You can't deny it's good, my man!"

"it's cliché as fuck!"

"Oh, you should buy this one!"

"which one?"

"It's called... "After"! I'm sure you'll like it, Sa-"

"oh hell no! i'm not reading that shit!"

"But-"

"but nothing! i won't read it!"

I laughed way too loud, and he started to mumble things like "i'm too mature for that" or "that stupid shit shouldn't exist". Papyrus looked over books already had a bunch of books about puzzles and recipes and Sans didn't have a single thing, being way too exigent with his choosing. I grabbed a few books myself as well, some being science fiction and others of fictional history. 

But Sans? Oh, he was being quite the picky dude. 

"SANS, FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Papyrus started to get irritated, noticing we've been there for a long time "YOU WEREN'T THIS PICKY ON THE UNDERGROUND!"

"because i didn't have a choice!" He replied with a scream, then went to his usual quiet voice again "now that i can choose, why i shouldn't take advantage of it?"

We spent some more time looking, then, when he finally found "the chosen one".

"this is perfect! and it's a sci-fi! i'll have it!"

"ABOUT TIME!"

"You are just taking one with you?" I asked, weirded out by him not taking the chance to have the whole library. 

"it turns out to be a series, and since all of the books are here... i'm taking all of them" Okay, that sounded more like him. 

And we spent all of our day shopping useless things for our own benefit and forgot completely about the school admission. Sans cursed out loud when he remembered, but it was too late to change anything. 

"Don't worry, Sans!" I tried to cheer him, knowing he was probably blaming himself for not remembering "We can go tomorrow to the high school!"

"YOU'LL COME TOO, OLDER HUMAN?!" Papyrus seemed really happy about the thought of it, so... I couldn't help myself.

"If you want to, then I'll go" I answered with a smile, proud of making Papy excited. 

"THEN YOU SHOULD STAY AT OUR HOME TONIGHT! AFTER ALL, WE SHOULD GO THERE EARLY!" Great way of taking advantage, Paps. 

I stood there in silence, and I let out a lovingly sigh.

"Sure, Papy" I chuckled a bit "I'll stay, if that's what you wish"

He squealed like a five-year-old girl and started to jump a lot. Sans chuckled and both of them walked with me to my apartment so I could get my things and then head to their house. I let both of them come in, but soonly regretted it. 

"HUMAN! WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!" Papyrus shouted from the bathroom, and I facepalmed myself mentally. The mirror, goddamnit! I haven't fixed the fucking mirror!

"Uh... an accident?" I shrugged, sounding way too suspicious.

"an accident?" Sans lifted one of his "eyebrows", looking at me with a mocking smile. 

"(Y/N)!" Papyrus said horrified "THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT AT ALL! THERE'S DRY BLOOD IN HERE!" Oh shit. 

"Don't worry Paps, I'll clean it!" I'm so stupid. 

"that doesn't clarify anything, (y/n)" Sans's expression was now with worry and suspicion, not sure what to think. I sighed, knowing that I could fool Papyrus but not him. 

"I'll tell you later" I whispered to the short skeleton, even if I wasn't sure of telling him. He nodded and acted as if nothing had happened, but if you were observant enough, you could notice that something was bothering him. 

After getting some clothes and personal stuff, we finally walked into their house, talking about various topics and cracking a few jokes. When Papyrus opened the door a fluffy, cute dog was there at the entrance. 

"oops" Sans occasionally said. 

"SANS! I THOUGHT YOU LEFT THE DOG ON YOUR RO-"

"It's so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I unconsciously squealed, then put a hand over my mouth. Sans was giving me a funny look and Papyrus looked confused and... happy?

"you want to carry her?" Sans casually asked, lifting the dog up and offering her to me. I bet I was smiling like an idiot. With only a bit of hesitation, I took her into my arms and she gently licked my cheek. I giggled softly and hugged her. 

"What's her name?" I asked the skeletons.

"I DON'T KNOW. IT'S SANS'S DOG" Papyrus shrugged. I never thought Sans would be the dog type. 

"her name's maya" My short skelebuddy smiled, then I gave him back Maya. She was so cute and fluffy... I embarrassed myself in front of them, probably. Can you blame me, though? I've never had a dog of my own. "i found her some days ago"

We entered the house and I noticed that Gaster nor Arial were in the house. I was about to ask Sans or Papyrus about it, but I remembered the harsh tone that Gaster always gives to the older brother. I still don't know why, but I didn't want to touch the topic. Not when everyone was in such a good mood. 

"HUMAN! ARE YOU HUNGRY?" Papy asked, and I nodded at him kindly. He seemed eager about my quiet answer. "OKAY THEN! I'LL PREPARE MY FAMOUS SPAGHETTI FOR DINNER! I'M SURE YOU'LL BE DELIGHTED- NYEH HEH HEH!"

I let out a small laugh and Papyrus rushed to the kitchen with his characteristic smile. Maya ran upstairs to a room next to Papy's, which I assumed it was where Sans usually sleeps. Talking about him, he looked lost in thought and troubled, and he suddenly walked to the couch and turned the TV on.

Without saying a word, I sat next to him and stared at the television, not really paying attention to the program he was watching. In fact, he wasn't paying attention either. 

"hey, (y/n)..." He scared the hell out of me and apologized quickly when he saw my reaction. I laughed a bit and told him that I was fine. He sighed. "well, uh... damn it... can i talk with you after dinner?" 

I looked at him and nodded, feeling a bit uneasy. Whatever he had to tell me or ask me, I wasn't sure if I could help. After all, I'm not even able to help myself. 

After some minutes, the younger skeleton put the dinner on the table and we ate calmly. Papy settled the mood by telling nice memories of the Underground. I listened to him carefully, not only as an ambassador, but also as a friend. He was pretty joyful and told me how happy he felt I was finally staying at their place. He also started to talk about how excited he was about making new friends in high school and joining any clubs. Papyrus is one of the main reasons I feel proud of being their ambassador- seeing how much he enjoys the simple things the Surface has to offer makes my cheeks hurt from smiling. 

After eating, it was quite late for the young skeleton, so he decided to head to bed early. Sans, on the other hand, is like a nocturn creature. And, honestly, I relate to him. 

"BROTHER..." Papyrus shyly approached his older brother "CAN YOU READ ME MY FAVORITE BOOK?"

"sure thing, paps" The not-so-young skeleton smiled, then looked at me. "would you feel lonely if you wait a minute?"

When I was about to shook my head, though, Paps intervened. 

"ACTUALLY, I WANTED TO... HEAR THE HUMAN MAKE THE FEMALE VOICES!"He cheerfully smiled "I WOULD LOVE TO LISTEN TO HER INTERPRETATIONS"

Watching his face and the joy in his voice forced me to not deny his petition. I looked at Sans and he mouthed "as long as you want", so I nodded to Papy excitedly. He let out a girl-type squeal and ran upstairs to his room to change his pajamas. The remaining skeleton asked me if I was really willing to do it, and some memories of the orphanage came to my mind. I remembered when I would read to the sad kids some books, or even make some stories of my own. They would always laugh about how silly I made my voice, and that was one of the few joys in that dark place. Noticing how I spaced out, I simply told Sans that I was actually pretty excited about it. He chuckled, and when we heard that Paps was ready, we walked upstairs. 

The mere title of the book made my heart melt: "Peek-a-boo with Fluffy Bunny". A huge urge to go and hug Papyrus 'till the end of times made me anxious, making me play with my fingers without thinking about it. Sans opened the book and started, which made me smile even more. The nice interaction between both of them made felt nostalgic about my relationship with my father, but I held back tears and made the best interpretations I could manage. Both of the skeletons laughed about my weird voices, especially the one I gave to one of the kids. 

After that wonderful reading (that the ending made Papy cry, by the way), Pap got comfy and we turned off the lights. Getting out of his room, the newfound silence of the house put me on edge. 

"hey, (y/n)" Sans startled me again, but this time such a drama didn't happen. "may we talk downstairs?"ohgodwhy. 

We went to the living room and sat on the couch, trying to moderate the volume of our movements. We took a deep breath at the same time... realizing this, we laughed quietly. 

"guess there are too many things to say, huh?" He chuckled. "wish things could be easier"

"Yeah" I smiled sadly. "I wish this could be way easier"

"anyway..."

"So...?"

"let's talk about the mirror, k?" Why the mirror? WHY?!

I sighed, stressed with only thinking about my stupidity. My mind was wandering of how things would have been better, what would have happened if I didn't do such a thing in the first place, etc. 

"God, you are probably going to laugh about this" I chuckled at the memory, which wasn't happy at all. "It's just so... stupid"

"but you had no stupid reasons, right?" He wisely stated, making me groan internally. 

"I guess not..." I put (again) a sad smile on my face, then closed my eyes, focusing on what happened that night. "Let's see... so I was having trouble sleeping one night, and, uh..."

"don't worry, i hear you" He gave me a reassuring smile. I took a deep breath. 

"I started to think. Think about life, about who I am, of how stressed I've been feeling. And then, of how much I hate... myself"

"your...self? why would you hate yourself?" His expression was more serious and worried. 

"I... I don't like the way I've been monitoring my life. I don't like the simplest things about myself, too. Like how little I eat sometimes, how stupid I am, and-"

"okay, we'll work on that later, (y/n)" He stopped me from collapsing and becoming a bigger mess. I actually need to thank him for that. "you are a great person, you just need more self-esteem. i'm not the best example of it, but... i'll try to help you, okay?"

I smiled weakly, tears threatening to come out. Without voice, I mouthed "thank you", then calmed down so I could continue. 

"I... I decided to go to the restroom, then, so I could... I don't certainly remember why I went there, the thing's that I wasn't happy with the bags under my eyes, how dead my eyes looked, and how tear stains marked their way into my face. So, out in anger...uh"

"so...?"

"I punched the freaking mirror"

He blinked out in amazement, not quite the reaction I expected. I truly thought he would think I was crazy, ask me instantly why I was so stupid, etc. Instead, shock and mainly worry were there. 

"that's why... that's why you have the stitches on your fingers?" Huh, so he figured it out. 

"Yeah..."

"so it wasn't an accident?"

"Don't take me wrong, it's just-"

"no, i just wanted to get it clear, don't worry" He let out a huge sigh, then stretched up his arms. "(y/n), as much as i'm not okay... we both know that punching a mirror out of self-hate is serious. do you hate yourself that much?"

I remained silent, the question taking me by surprise. Instead of words, only tears came out, making Sans's expression more unbearable. 

"shit shit shit, i'm sorry (y/n), i never meant to- oh god, i'm such an idiot. please, i, uh, i don't want to see you sad, goddamnit, it's just-"

"Hey" I stopped his babbling, letting more fresh tears roll down my cheeks. "I know you never meant to hurt. I'm sorry. It's just... the truth is sad, you know? People used to tell me I would get far and that I should be proud of that. But now? I feel no pride. I feel only sadness and a horrible pity towards myself... I... I..."

I couldn't speak anymore, the tears were too distracting. Shushing, Sans held me close into a tight hug...

I remembered. 

I remembered how many times I would cry alone in nights and hug myself. Now, someone else was willing to put my broken pieces together and to feel my wet tears. That thought, that mere thought of not being alone anymore... 

I cried a little more and hugged Sans back. 

I was so sad, nostalgic, and strangely happy at the same time. He kept shushing and holding me even tighter, and when I looked up, I noticed he was crying a little as well. 

"Th-thank you, S-sans" I managed to say between sobs, and he nodded. 

"d-don't worry" He sobbed more discretely, but still did as well. "we should talk more about this another time. for now, you should rest, (y/n)"

"Y-yeah, I think it's for the best" I cleaned the tears from my face. 

"if... if you feel overwhelmed at night... wake me up, okay?" Oh, I can't do that. Not when he's being so nice to me. 

"Sans, I don't-"

"no, it's okay" He interrupted me, showing a weak smile I've never seen. "i probably won't be asleep, either. it's not fair for you to feel that way... at least not when we are here to help"

"...Sans"

"(y/n)"

"I don't want to interrupt you"

"hey, i enjoy your company, k?" He let out a sad chuckle. "i won't mind if you wake me up. even if it's talking about it or just standing there... the company is nice. i know that for a fact. if it wasn't for papyrus, i... i don't think i would be here" 

I nodded and thank him for everything. I gave him a small hug and he returned it for a short time, then I headed directly to the guest's room. I couldn't believe myself, but more than that, I couldn't believe him. Why in the world he is this nice to me...?

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

When I told (Y/N) that she could wake me up if she needed anything, it was more like a selfish petition. When I arrived in my room, even if Maya was there, the loneliness hit me hard. I got on the bed and immediately knew I wouldn't be able to conciliate sleep. I groaned. 

My mind was wandering of everything she said earlier. How much she hates herself, how stupid she thought her action has been, and how unsatisfied she felt about her own decisions. It triggered me. Hell, it even scared me. Punching a mirror out in self-hate, as I told her, it's not healthy. She cried, feeling overwhelmed with how her brain has been torturing her all these years. Being alone, talking to herself, crying alone...

The mere thought of that happening made me hug myself. How has she been keeping up with that feeling of dread all this time? What has been her hope?!

I started to think, then, of how fortunate I was and how miserable I felt still. She has done a lot of things to help others and accomplished various of her dreams, but I? Oh, c' mon- being a lazy skeleton and a father's disappointment was never an aspiration of mine. 

Ah, Gaster. The father that used to love me when I was a small kid, but when I rebelled against his ideas and experiments, he left me alone. I took care of Papyrus, then, when he was still experimenting with poor monsters. I say 'poor' because I know exactly what he did to them. I, after all, used to be one of his best test subjects. He gave me determination pills four days a week, then injected directly into my soul new forms of magic. He activated certain parts of my DNA so I could develop stronger points in the magic he wanted. It could have been a good project if he didn't apply it to a living being- to his own son. 

The side effects of such actions scare the hell out of me. Days after taking the pills and/or injections, I would vomit or have horrifying headaches for days, to say some symptoms. Hell, even I would start to bleed randomly, and I would be so weak, that my bones were really sensible. I remember that, when I was eight, one of my bones broke with a simple movement (without magic, to make it worse). Some of the effects remain with me until these days, like anxiety attacks involving magic, random lack of magic, HP decreasing, inability to control my attacks, etc. 

But, would those effects could have been worth it if I got my father's appreciation back? He did horrible things in the past and he's treating me like shit in the present, but... he's my dad. My dad, for God's sake. I said a lot of times that I wanted to be his pride... and I failed. I failed miserably to one of the strongest wishes I ever had. And thanks to that, all of my other dreams seem impossible to reach. 

I hugged myself and noticed that I was right- I needed (Y/N) more than she would ever need me. I'm so selfish that, when she has more serious problems than I do, I still end up thinking on mine. A few tears rolled down, and a huge urge to scream came into my throat. 

I looked into my soul, white as any monster's. One of HP, one of defense. Nothing more than that. A simple heartbreaking romance or a kid's magic attack can make me turn to dust. A part of me wants that to happen as soon as it can. But another part doesn't let go. I...

I don't want to die. I just want another chance to make everything right. To stop me from being lazy and selfish, and be more like the nerd I used to be in college. I want a second chance. I don't want to leave Frisk with an unsupervised power. I don't want to leave Flowey assessing her dangerously. I don't want to leave Tori's puns. Asgore's flowers. Grillby's bar and friendship. Undyne's energy. Alphys's quirkiness. Papyrus... (Y/N)...

I was starting to sob louder, so I muffled my sounds with a pillow. I don't want to leave them. I don't want to leave any of them. Each of those people and more have become a part of me. I don't want to leave and disappear from their memories. They have been special people for me, either in a good or bad way. I want to be special to them as well...

With tears in my eyes, I was about to try out different positions so I could fall asleep, but a quiet knock on the door was heard. I froze in place and muttered quietly "come in". 

And there she was. 

Quiet and shaking, I don't know if she was cold or afraid. Probably afraid, since it's freaking July and I don't think she'll ever be freezing in this time of the year. 

"S-sans...?" She stuttered, hugging herself anxiously. " I... I heard a noise coming f-from your room... are you o-okay?" 

Oh. 

Oh. 

I was stunned by her quiet words, realizing she didn't come for self-comfort, but to comfort ME. The fucking skeleton who has messed up the life of his dreams and there's probably nothing to do about it. But she was there, hoping weakly that she could do something. That she could change anything. I chuckled sadly, and she approached me quietly. I didn't say a word. She sat next to me, on my bed, avoiding Maya's place on the floor. I bet she was looking at me, but I can't say. I never looked directly at her dull and slightly hopeful eyes, after all. She held me gently into an almost-non-existent hug, and all I did was hug her back tightly. 

Yes, I was right. 

I need her more than she needs me.


	24. Don't be so tough with yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't want to be a sad painting anymore. I don't want you to focus on my scars, so I'll make you focus on my pained smile. Even if it's fake, I'll make you believe it's real. No one needs to know the sad painting inside"  
-[Just some random words I thought when reading this chapter]

*Sans's POV*

I woke up quite late the next day, rays of sun telling me the present timeline was still there. The smell of warm coffee filled my room, and the bed was a lot less messy than usual. I looked at my left and noticed that, indeed, there was a cup of coffee, companied by a notebook with a lot of writing on the front page. I decided to read it, not before taking a sip to the drink before it got cold. 

'Sans, buddy, I don't think you should continue hiding these things. You are important, you have a family and friends that care about you. You are so young, man! You've been given the chance to go on and start from zero on the Surface, please don't waste it. You are super smart, I can feel it, and you are way more useful than you think. 

Please, if not for you, then do it for your family. I bet Papyrus doesn't know anything about your problem. He may know what you have, but not WHY you have it. That's the intimate part, isn't it? I understand you want to keep Papyrus's innocence, but think of yourself at least right now. You are the most important person to your brother (From what I've seen, you guys don't have a close relationship. I am no one to judge, though). 

I don't want to pressure you. I just want you to be okay. You have people to rely on- don't waste that opportunity. Maybe you won't tell your parents, I perfectly understand. My parents don't know about my issues either. But you have your brother, friends, and if you ever want to, I'll always be open to hearing what you have to say. 

Please, Sans, just be careful.

Because we all really care about you. 

(P.D. If you wake up and the coffee's cold, don't hesitate to ask me for more! I'll be downstairs... Papy's probably awake already)'

I sighed and took the cup with me. I know that what I was doing was so damn wrong, but I was truly afraid of letting go. I'm not happy like this, don't misunderstand, but... it's comfortable. Because it's predictable. And know that I have an unpredictable person in my life, what am I supposed to do?

I got dressed in simple clothes with my favorite hoodie and headed downstairs, where (Y/N) was helping my bro to make Hot Cakes. It smelled amazing, and the loud noise of dishes clacking and Paps's voice gave the house happiness. I noticed the door that leads to the room of my parents was shut down and locked from the inside, and I had the right to assume they arrived in the morning. Why? Because they would have asked about (Y/N)'s belongings on the couch (that now weren't there), about my muffled sobs, or the steps of the girl walking to my room. 

"it smells good, guys" I softly commented in order to let them know about my presence. I always did that on the Underground, and I don't mean to change it any time soon. 

"OH, HELLO BROTHER!" Papyrus excitedly waved at me, but was drawn by some signs that the human was making in order to get him to return to his duties. I chuckled. "EXCUSE ME, SANS, BUT I MUST NOT GET DISTRACTED WHILE COOKING!"

"Heya Sans!" (Y/N) said not looking at me, too focused on making breakfast. "Hope the coffee wasn't too cold"

"nah, it was perfect" I lazily answered and smiled wider. "i liked it a latte"

Silence dropped in for a few seconds before they realized the joke, receiving a groan and a giggle. I knew perfectly which was from whom. 

"Wow" She said between her giggles "I have no words to espresso how awful that pun was"

Papyrus seemed so shocked and horrified that we both ended up laughing like crazy. He groaned louder and started to whine about how dorky we were. When we ended our laughter fit, breakfast was ready, so we sat down and started to eat. It was nice, way better than eating spaghetti all the damn mornings. I love my bro, but pasta... it sometimes makes me feel upsetti... 

Heh.

The evening was great until we started to make breakfast puns. Then it became...

eggcellent.

"I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M GOING TO END BOTH OF YOU!" He screamed at some point. 

"Wouldn't that make you a..." She started. 

"DON'T!"

"Cereal killer?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"nice one, gal" I smirked at Paps's reaction. 

"Oh jeez, I wasn't bready for that compliment" Oh my God, she is such a dork.

"wow, that pun was brewtiful"

A lot of puns came later and brightened my day. After a well-deserved breakfast and some other cups of coffee, we finally went to the school I wanted to inscribe Papyrus in. This time we used a freaking GPS and did our best to don't get distracted. Inscriptions' closure was coming and I did not want to leave my brother without school for a whole semester. 

Ebott High School was a huge and modern-looking school owned by the same man that owns the university. However, they (supposedly) weren't correlated. I didn't give a damn, though. I just want the best for my bro for this period of his life. He may decide later what he wants...

Ah, the mere thought of he going away and making a new life breaks my heart. Just as he tends to say, what would I do without a cool guy like him taking care of me? I would probably just go on and ruin my life on alcohol and sleepless nights on beds made of bills. I... I need to be more optimistic towards the future, but is hard. Really hard. I have no abilities- only complex feelings that not even I can comprehend. 

We entered and made our way to the reception, where (Y/N) did most of the talking. It was better that way since I felt like saying something stupid. Based on the looks that the receptionist was giving us, I could also say that he wasn't happy with us being here, so it was good for me not to say anything. 

After some minutes, we entered a room where we would talk about how the process to join the school would go and many clubs that Papyrus could join after the usual schedules. It was going good, everything was going calm and happy. In that stage of the inscription, of course. The next one, on the other hand...

"I can't believe we are letting a monster access our buildings!" An employee shouted to another, who tried to keep a neutral expression and not to punch his partner on the face. "This is the real life, not some 'let's accept everyone' shit!"

"Dude, he has acceptable grades" The other one answered, seemingly bored and used to that bastard's arguments "The skeleton can even have a scholarship! Why should we not accept him?!"

"But he's incompetent!"

"Hey, if you want to say something, say it to our face!" For my surprise, (Y/N) intervened. Looking at her expression I easily noticed how irritated and annoyed she was by this guy's behavior. At least for a moment, she decided not to act shy and defend... well, she wasn't even defending herself! She was defending Papy...

And before I even got to process everything, the fight escalated further. 

"You better shut up, you stupid monster whore!" WHAT THE FU-

"Oh, great! Is that all that you have?!" Welp, she snapped quite quickly. But that's how girls are, right? "Your retarded mind lives on the prehistoric age or what?! We are in the twenty-first century, you freaking moron! Are you really that stupid?! Or are you just so full of yourself you simply can't accept others by. their. fucking. looks?!"

...ok...

Maybe that's NOT how girls usually are...

But if it is, then, I must be wary around them from now on. 

"You just want to get him in for your own benefit!"

"Oh, really? Tell me what benefits I'm getting at sending my friend to school. Oh, wait, there are none! I just want him to have a good life because I'm his freaking friend! But I don't expect you to understand, of course, since you have none!" Ok, if I have to be honest, I was trying not to be scared of her at this point. 

"Oh, you dare to offend me?"

"More like defending what's right! And if that implies calling you every. single. swearword. I'll do it with pleasure!"

"ok, you guys better calm-" We can say that I tried to calm down the situation, but...

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, YOU FUCKING BAG OF BONES!!!"

"WHO THE FUCK YOU CALL A BAG OF BONES, YOU STUPID, UNHAPPY-WITH-LIFE, SLUT!"

...

...it got worse. 

"HEY!" Papyrus screamed, and God knows how many decibels that sound made. "STOP OFFENDING EACH OTHER!"

(Y/N) and that unsatisfied dude looked at each other for a brief second (needless to say, with a LOT of hate) and then back at Papyrus.

"SIR..." My bro started, taking advantage of the guy's attention. "IF YOU ARE NOT OPEN TO RECEIVE SOMEONE DIFFERENT THAN YOU AT THESE BUILDINGS, THEN I MUST SAY I AM REALLY DISAPPOINTED. I-"

"Who the hell you think you are to tell me th-"

"Continue talking and I'll rip off your mouth" Ok, girls scare me. A LOT. 

"AS... I WAS SAYING, SIR" Papyrus also seemed scared by the cute, shy and anxious girl's sudden behavior. "I THINK THAT, IF SOMEONE WITH A SIMPLE JOB LIKE YOURS WON'T ACCEPT ME MORALLY, THEN I GUESS THERE'S NO POINT IN TRYING TO APPLY HERE"

"..."

"...Papyrus is right" Finally, she calmed down. "If you really don't want to do your job and accept him as a student, just like everybody else, then I guess I can't force you"

She walked to the exit door and, without a word, we followed her. We three perfectly knew that more words won't make him change his mind. And less if know he was angry with the only human keeping us company. 

"Have a good day, sir" And with that, the violent meeting that I never expected to see (less today) ended. We walked out of the school and walked a few meters before I heard the girl sigh. 

"I'm... I'm sorry, guys" She gave us a sad, weak smile. She looked like she wanted to beat herself to death. The guilt in her eyes was so unbearable that I had to look away. "I... I probably messed up"

The thing is, that she could have taken it better. I didn't know what to tell her, because she could have cooled down in the first place. As must as I wanted to tell her something good... nothing came out at the moment. 

"IT'S NOTHING, HUMAN" Papyrus gave her a smile in return but his had pride and joy. "YOU WERE JUST DEFENDING US! I AM ACTUALLY FLATTERED BY YOUR ACTIONS!"

"But I behaved horribly..." It seemed like the guilt would never disappear. "I could have acted better, not saying swears, goddamnit! But I... I lost my cool... I'm truly sorry"

We remained in silence for a bit. It was becoming more and more painful, and I didn't want her to beat down herself after this incident, so I decided to make a move.

"hey... we all lose our cool sometimes, right?" I smiled weakly, trying to lighten up her expression at least a bit. It didn't work. I sighed and continued, not having any other reasonable choice. "that guy acted like such a bastard to us and to you, (y/n). you just defended yourself, and unfortunately, that's something that we all have to do some time or another. that guy didn't deserve mercy from someone like you. you did the right thing"

"But not the way I-"

"stop livin' in the past, kid" I bet it was easy to notice the worry in my eyes and how my smile was shaking. "you behaved differently from the usual, that's why you feel weird. but you did good"

"...Are you sure?"

"ABSOLUTELY!" Ah, Papyrus. Always cheerful, no matter what. 

"T-thanks... so we... are we still f-friends?"

Wait, did she really think she would lose us because of that? 

"OF COURSE, HUMAN! YOU CAN NOT GET RID OF US THAT EASILY!"

She smirked, dropping a few tears when she closed her eyes.

She... she was THAT scared? 

"So I... I guess we'll search for another school, then?" She smiled way brighter, and I felt way more at ease. 

"I GUESS SO, HUMAN" Papyrus was still smiling with pure joy... how does he do that?

"if... if you don't want to be there, kid, we will understand" I bluntly said, not really thinking before talking. Thankfully, she didn't take it the wrong way. 

"H-hey! If I'm not there, then who'll be the human that'll mess up with the bastards?!" She laughed eagerly and, without thinking of anything else, I smiled as well. Seeing her so relieved and calmer was nice- I couldn't do much but to give her a smile in return. 

"nice" I smirked. "let's go grab some grub right now, k?"

"SANS! WE ATE LESS THAN AN HOUR AGO!"

"i know. and it's killin' me"

To my delight, she laughed at our conversation. To hear her like that rather than rambling about her "mistakes" puts an idiotic smile on my face. It's so weird.

Ok, calm down Sans. 

She's a friend. 

There's no way you could-

"Hey, Sans" She smiled sweetly, the gaze in her eyes softening "You've been quiet for a while... is there something wrong?"

...

Shit. 

"nah, don't sweat it" My wink was as fake as my confidence... heh. "just thinkin' of somethin'"

"IS THAT SO?" I know this makes me a really messed up big brother, but... for an instant, I forgot about Papy's existence... I'm such an idiot. "MAY WE KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT, BROTHER?"

Oh hell no. 

"nope"

"C' MON!"

"no"

"Sans, hey..." Oh no, not her. Please don't beg me, please, please! "You can tell us anything, okay? I... must admit I am a bit curious, but if it's something deeply personal, then we'll understand..."

And there it was, that so sweet smile of hers. 

This is becoming so stupid. 

I wanted to forget about it, but it's not easy to forget someone WHEN THAT PERSON IS IN FRONT OF YOU. 

"Hey..." God, I remained silent again, didn't I? "Are... are you-"

"i'm fine, don't worry about me...?" Idiot! Why did it come as a question?!

"...You sure?"

"definitely" Wow, that didn't sound suspicious at all, you freaking moron "i'm just a bit... overwhelmed, we can say, for all the sudden changes of these last months"

Well, at least I didn't lie... 

I mean, I did, but at the same time, I didn't...

This day should have been called "The day where Sans is more idiotic than usual". 

We ended up going to a café to calm down (and to not get back home, since Papyrus didn't want to) and have a drink. Since we didn't succeed in getting him into the school, there weren't now any plans. Just a normal hangout, I guess. It was becoming more difficult to concentrate on the chat they were having, and my mind being a bitch, it decided to think more of... how she is. Why? I have NO FUCKING IDEA. 

It's... funny. Funny how she, a human with the capacity to have it all, it's so nervous to show confidence at all. She doubts all her decisions, she thinks she's not good at all, and that no one would truly... like her by the way she is. 

I remember that, when I was younger, I used to believe I could do it all. That one day, even, I would free everyone from the Underground. I'm still confident about who I am, and even if I'm lazy and a good for nothing... I'm happy. What scares me is that the kid decides to take away that happiness from me. But overall, I like my life. She, on the other hand, doesn't. And I don't know why...

I want to know why...

Looking at her, the bright smile she had when talking to Papy, the sweet tone of her voice when she asks for anything, and the pleasant light of her eyes... it's not easy to hate yourself when you simply don't have many reasons to. Her shy personality, the way she stutters when she realizes she's being passionate about something, her humble attitude... she is great overall. She has a great heart, why she has self-doubt? Or depression, even?

I'm starting to think too much about this. 

I noticed awfully late that I was staring at them, and I looked away when their eyes were already on me. I stared, instead, at my untouched glass of Coke. 

"BROTHER?" Oh no. "ARE YOU OKAY? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE HAVING A ROUGH TIME"

"You've been awfully quiet, Sans..." Shit... "Are you sure you are okay?"

"...yeah" I'm so stupid! Yay! "i'm okay, really. just... i was just thinking"

"AGAIN?" Shit, I used the same excuse. 

"yep"

They looked at each other for a brief second, back at me, then sighed (surprisingly at the same time). 

"sorry" I started, feeling guilty of the worry they had in their looks "i'm just... i'm really just thinking, it's just... weird. my mind's been acting weird lately. and i'm dealing with that"

Wow, I finally said the truth.

"...I see" She smiled again, and I swear to God I. FUCKING. BLUSHED. "It's okay, Sans. We all have our days when our mind seems different, right? With all the changes you guys are having... I bet it's been quite something, isn't it? And, uh... more with what happened earlier, I suppose"

"YEAH, IT'S BEEN WEIRD LATELY" Papy admitted, surprising me a bit. "ESPECIALLY WITH SANS. HE'S NOT ACTING AS HE USED ON THE UNDERGROUND... HE ACTS MORE LIKE WHEN HE WAS ONLY WITH ME AT HOME. HE DIDN'T USE TO SHOW HIS FEELINGS AS MUCH AS HE DOES NOW" Is that so?

"maybe you are right, bro" I winked, trying to put aside my weird feelings and thoughts. "anyway, eh... do you think they'll have any limes here?"

"Limes or lemons?"

"limes"

(Y/N) called out a waitress and asked for limes and... guacamole. 

"guacamole?" I raised an "eyebrow" (not sure what to call 'em).

"I'm... I 'm hungry, ok?"

"OH MY GOD, WE ATE LESS THAN TWO HOURS AGO"

"I know, that's why I hate it"

"can we have some?"

"SANS!"

"Sure, you can take however you want"

"I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD TELL SANS THAT" My brother (wisely) adviced her. "OR ELSE HE WON'T LEAVE YOU A SINGLE BIR OF IT!"

We both chuckled, and more when the guacamole arrived instantly. Papyrus looked irritated, but as must as he won't admit it, he also took some guacamole now and then. We started to talk about which other schools would be great for him, but it turned out that not even the girl knew too much about it. I suddenly felt how an unnoticeable headache disappeared and my head cleared into the conversation. 

And if you are going to ask me "hey, Sans, are you going to use this weird headache as an excuse?" then let me tell you that YES. 

"I wasn't born here, you know..." She, again, smiled. And I was trying to calm down, of course. "I'm from a city that is a bit far from Ebott"

"REALLY?" My brother, too, was interested. "HOW FAR?"

"Probably five hours... or maybe a bit less"

"since when you are here, then?"

"Since I was eighteen, I have now four years studying and working here" She continued calmly. like if she was waiting for anyone to ask her about this. Oh lord, isn't she lonely? I pity her. "By that reason, I only started university here... that's maybe why I don't know a lot of high schools around here. I know more about kindergartens, though"

K-kindergartens?

Why would she search for kindergartens?!

Does...

Does she...?

"why?"

"An ol' friend I know since middle school has a kiddo, and I've been trying to help Miranda to have her signed into a good school"

I wanted to sigh out in relief but I realized it would be WAY too weird, so I didn't. 

"OH!" Papyrus seemed delighted to hear about a little kid, I guess. "CAN WE MEET THE HUMAN CHILD?"

"Of course!" (Y/N), as well, seemed delighted with the idea to present the kid to us "She is really nice and creative, and my friend is pretty good!"

Now I really sighed this time, not truly wanting to deal with kids. However, they looked pretty enthusiastic about it... I knew my thoughts would not matter. I just hope that the little girl doesn't get scared, or else Papyrus will feel bad with himself. Also, because I don't want to make an early Halloween (and yes, I know about that sick festive day humans do every October. It makes me want to die). 

"MIRANDA IS YOUR FRIEND?"

"Ah, yes. And her child is called Miriam"

"WOWIE! I HOPE WE REALLY CAN MEET HER!"

"Yep, I hope so too" She looked at her cellphone for barely two seconds and sighed, seemingly in relief. Then her eyes focused on the empty bowl of guacamole and my empty glass of Coke with a hell lot of limes. "I suppose... I suppose w-we are done eating, right?"

"really? i thought we were getting started" I joked, getting out a small giggle from her and a light groan from my brother. 

"WE ARE DEFINITELY OVER WITH THE EATING FOR NOW!" My grumpy brother glanced at me and, naturally, I winked. 

"Ok, eh..." She fidgeted a bit, showing a shy smile... how many times I have mentioned her smile by now? "Do you want to, uh, hang out for a bit? I think it's a bit, you know, uh... late for searching a school?"

"i agree"

"YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING, SANS!" He scolded me, getting another of my famous winks as a response. "BUT YEAH! WE WILL SURELY BE GLAD TO HANG OUT WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!"

I nodded and we all headed out of the café to go to... wherever. We walked through the streets, hearing the complaining of Papyrus when he saw most of the people on a car. One of Papy's goals is to ride a red convertible, the sun hitting his skin, and the air moving his hair. 

Of course, most of it will never happen, but... he sure can have a car. We just don't have enough money. 

Oh. That brings me to another point. 

I need to get a fucking job. 

Gaster, suspiciously, has not been gaining enough money on his nice job. Arial, I don't know what the hell she is doing, and I don't want Papyrus to put his studies aside. I need to get a job, any job I could ever think of. Money is money, whatever we gain will help. 

We ended up going to a park, where we gained a couple of stares...

Actually, we got a lot. 

Fortunately, (Y/N) seemed to control her irritation this time, so even if other people would try to search a fight, we remained calm. Instead of shouting, she just was sarcastic, but we never got into anything bigger. We sat under a tree, away from people, just talking about any topic. Papyrus and I would constantly ask about the Surface. She, on the other hand, would ask about the Underground. It was nice, and we remained there until eight pm. 

"Ah, jeez..." She said when she looked at the time. "I think I should be getting home by now"

"BUT HUMAN, YOU CAN STAY ONE MORE DAY WITH US!" He looked so disappointed it was becoming clearly difficult for her to deny. 

"Sorry, Paps" She sadly looked at him, trying to convince him. "I have work tomorrow"

"well..." Oh my God, what are you doing?! "can we at least go with you?"

She looked at me a bit taken-back, my nervousness increasing with every passing second. Papyrus seemed eager with the idea to go with her, so he helped me convince her. 

"YES HUMAN!" Nice excuse, bro. "WE SHALL GO WITH YOU!"

"Ah, I... isn't it a bit late?" 

"that's exactly what we mean, kid"

"YES, HUMAN! IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE!" Why do I feel like I've heard that line before?

"We will need to take the subway, though..."

"no problemo"

"Oh... ah, ok! If you insist..." She may not admit it, but she had a goofy grin on her face. She seemed so eager about it- about not going alone.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddd........ Papyrus squealed so loud I almost thought I turned deaf. I may not have ears, but gosh, that really hurt. 

"IT IS SETTLED, THEN!" He struck a heroic pose he used to do a lot on the Underground. "OFF WE GO!"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

I don't know why, but the skelebros insisted to go with me to my home. Sans had a calm expression, but Papyrus was really impatient about my answer. After answering yes, he made the loudest squeal that the Earth has ever heard. 

We got away from the partially calm environment of the park and went through the city streets, busy as always. Ah, this urban life... I absolutely hate it. It's so monotone that it depresses me every day. It's so boring I can't do much but fantasize about how the Underground could have been. A place with different people, where almost everybody knew each other and the day-by-day events did not involve stupid contamination and cliché campaigns.

Talking about my daily routine, after some minutes we arrived at the subway that tends to take me home every day I go out. As usual, the place was as full as a bar on a messed up weekend. People either coming out from work or carrying their tired kids, the subway stations have become like my second home. For groceries, for work, for even visiting a friend... I go there almost every day, unless I decide to stay home. But that usually doesn't happen. 

The glances were there, just like in the park. Judging glances with every step we took, it didn't matter how tired everyone was... they just looked. Hate, amusement, disappointment... no wonder why this world is so fucked up. I didn't say anything for our sake, but I really wanted to kill everyone in the place (except the skeletons) and then myself. However, I should not lose control of myself like that again. 

I felt somewhat guilty for having both of the skeletons by my side, when they could have been relaxing on their own home at that precise moment. I must admit, though, that I appreciated the company. Papyrus kept me entertained with various experiences of his past and Sans cracked occasionally a joke or two. It became less unbearable, and the glances soon stopped to be a burden.

Before I could tell, we were already at my station. We went out of the subway and headed to my little old apartment. The younger brother insisted on being with me until I arrived safely, and the older brother just went along with it. Just a step inside the "living room" and I remembered that episode on the bathroom... about the mirror, I mean!

I'm a fucking mess.

When they left me, teleported by Sans's skills, the loneliness hit me. I started to do my usual night ritual, but it felt really odd. Like... like if I haven't done it before. 

God, I miss my old life. When I was a freaking kid with no cares in this world. 

I miss my father. 

I miss my friends. 

I miss...

I miss my home. 

I miss it so much. 

I looked over the place and realized how messy it was. Papers on the main and small table, a weird ball of blankets on top of my bed, a lot of fast food trash on the couch, tons of dishes in the kitchen, and dry blood on the bathroom. Everything was disorganized, no signs of the girl I used to be when I was still studying. When I was still with him. 

I went to my closet, which unsurprisingly had bunches of clothes accumulated, and searched for my old cellphone. I was feeling so nostalgic and blank that I needed to remind myself what was real and what wasn't. I was so sad that I wanted a reason to stop thinking of the present and cling on the past. 

Sans's words hit me: "Stop living in the past". It is so true about myself that it hurts. It hurts a lot. 

I use to think about my past a lot- the mistakes I made, the happy moments I had, my past nightmares, my old ambitions... it is so strange how things changed so quickly. How I stopped being that cheerful kid and started to be this always-tired woman. 

After some tough research, I found that cellphone I got when I was about to leave middle school. Ah, that day. I was so happy I took like two hundred photos in less than an hour, most of them starring my smiling dad and me. 

Tears fell down my face when I got to see those photos again. Each of one reminded me of phrases he used to tell me. Of how proud he was of me. Of how hopeful he was towards the future. MY future. 

He promised me so many times that I was going to become the best scientist in all the world. That I would be the difference. That I would change everything and be the hope for a lot of people. And now, I'm not even the hope of myself. I can't even look at the mirror and stop myself from cringing of what I see. A stupid, messy, horrible human that has done nothing but destroy herself. 

Sniffs turned into sobs as the time passed and the images showed. There were also photos of my favorite restaurants, of Miranda and me, of all the projects I was proud of, of my baseball cards, of my three-year-old drawings... of my proud and happy expression. It was so heartbreaking to think I was her. I was that child with bright (e/c) eyes and lively smile. That kid that used to play baseball pretty good and had an unhealthy but wonderful obsession with the Red Sox players. That child... that smart and productive child. 

Sobbing turned into crying when a photo of my mother and me showed up. Ah, that woman- I loved her so much before she turned her back on both of us. Before she started to fight with dad about everything. Before she told me everything was my fault. That nostalgic picture, she carrying me with the proudest smile and me kissing her cheek with a proud smile. 

It hurts so much. 

It hurts. 

It hurts. 

It hurts...

I wished someone else could understand why.

Why, out of everything that has happened, I'm mostly only proud of who I once was.

Why those smiles I showed mean more to me than anything.

Why my eyes seem so different. 

wHy i hATE mE SO mUCh.

More photos of the three of us were there. It was so painful to notice the genuineness in our expressions. Of how wonderful and innocent our happy times were. Of how we supported each other in the hard days. Of how, even if the day was bad, we gathered together and played, laughed, hugged...

I wanted to scream. To let out all the pain and go back to that small, cheerful world. As much as I try to be happy and proud of what I'm doing now, my mind continues to shout that I did better on the past and that it doesn't matter how hard I try, because I will never be that kid again. Now I have people that try to support me. I have people that, indeed, are trying to help me get through this. Hell, I even know someone that has that same feeling of dread. 

I remembered how helpless Sans looked the day before, of how devoid of hope he seemed. How desperate he was for having someone, ANYONE, to hold him and tell him that is okay to cry. It's... it's funny. It's so funny how he is a happy comedian to everyone on the outside, but the inside is more than that. 

This is not a joke. 

This is not a FUCKING JOKE. 

That's the life of a desperate monster we are talking over here. Of a devastated brother that tries to help him in any way. Of an oblivious mother that will soon regret leaving him alone. Of a disappointed father that will shed tears if he finds out what he had done. 

While I'm crying, a lot of people are, too. Their tears, like mine, remain lost in the never-ending darkness that their life has become. Silent screams that they need to say out loud, but they can't. Because they are alone. They feel alone, as much as I do. Or even worse. And thinking that someone is in a worse situation than I am... it's not recomforting. It truly isn't.

I changed my clothes into my usual pajama. I did my nightly ritual, just as I do every day. But this time, I stood in front of the broken mirror, looking at the distorted version of me it reflects. I put my sleeves up only to reveal all the cuts I created. It looked like a sad painting of someone trying to escape. 

And that's exactly what I am right now.


	25. Nightmare therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stop dreaming. Stop thinking. Stop smiling. Stop faking.

*Toriel's POV*

I was standing there, in the Ruins. I wasn't sure how I ended there, but I continued walking through them, noticing the small monsters hiding away from me. I've always noticed this, they can't fool me. Just because I am one of the two Boss Monsters. Just because I was the Queen. I wanted to live a peaceful life, away from all those fears and violent people who were against the human race. I miss my children so much, and I don't think that Chara would have thought this was the right thing.

Wait... why am I here again? I thought-

That's why I took his body; because the mere idea of him lying on Asgore's castle disgusts me. Now he is better here, buried under the beautiful buttercups I gardened for him.

These- are not my thoughts, what the-

I soon realized that it was just a memory of the Underground, and relaxed. It was probably just a dream. I confirmed this when I saw "my" body walk on their own, me being a ghost following... myself. It sounds so silly when you put it that way! But it's kinda funny.

As "I" was walking, I heard the voice of that flower that has been bothering everyone. Ah, I just hate it. It appeared out of nowhere, and now it dedicates its past time to behave horribly. Didn't their parents show them what behavior is?

In their dialogue, I heard that they were... welcoming someone? It took me a few minutes to realize that, in fact, it was a new and fresh face talking with that flower. It didn't take me long enough that it was a human, so I rushed to prevent the poor thing from trouble. When I arrived, that plant was about to KILL the child, and naturally, I rushed to the rescue.

When the magic of the flower was about to hit the human, I instead healed them and, taking advantage of the plant's confusion, I shoot a fireball towards it.

"What a horrible creature, torturing such a poor, innocent creature..." My other self smiled sadly at the human, who was around the same age as my dear Chara and Asriel. Noticing that girl would react at the new world she put herself in, I needed to reassure her she would be fine... as long as she stuck with me.

"Ah, do not be afraid, my child" My other me tried to make my most comforting smile, ignoring her almost neutral face at the actual situation "I am TORIEL, caretaker of the RUINS"

She seemed lost in thought. She was surely afraid. It took me a while to see that girl was my beloved adopted daughter, Frisk. I tried to do something, but the body in my dream didn't move.

"I pass through this place every day to see if anyone has fallen down" The Toriel in my dream continued, smiling kindly towards Frisk. "You are the first human to come down here in a long time... come! I will guide you through the catacombs"

I remembered perfectly that day since then. The puzzles, those ancient fusions between diversions and door keys... I spent too much time in that place for me to forget them. I followed the people on my dream through the Ruins until "I" decided to leave.

"I must attend to some business, and you must stay alone for a while" Those words I said... I know them by heart by now. It was when I decided to leave the child alone... oh well. At least I gave her a phone. That makes me a less irresponsible parent, right?

I followed my other self through the outsides of the Ruins, while I was wearing a hood similar to the River Person's one. I didn't want anyone to notice their ex-queen and tell Asgore about it. I've had enough of that pathetic man. I made my corresponding shopping until a damn dog decided to steal my phone. You bet I lost at least thirty minutes in that. When I was walking in direction to the Ruins, I couldn't help but worry about my child's safety. When I was behind the old tree, I decided to call Frisk, only to notice she was right there.

"Oh my! Are you hurt?! Are you-" I stopped in my tracks, noticing her stats. She was completely alright, but she had LV 3... but hey, maybe that was from the Surface, right? No way she could have done that in the Underground, haha...

A painful headache hit me (and I mean, the real me) as I didn't remember her stats being that high when I met her. She was... she was LV 1, right? She is STILL LV 1...

What I just saw, therefore, didn't make any sense. The most correct guess is that my mind was messing up with me.

Whatever happened inside the house, it was all familiar. Everything seemed normal to me, as my other self didn't panic at the human's stats. I remember everything: the pie... when I decided to not bother her and read a snail book instead... it all was SO familiar. Even the part when she told me she wanted to leave. I remember all of them, what did LV really change?

All those warnings I gave her... it was all the same. I encountered her into a fight, and after doing my first attack...

I felt an incredible pain through my chest.

My eyes widened, both the dream version of me and my real self. What just happened?

I looked down at my body and saw blood dripping from there... a huge cut almost cutting me in half. I looked over my child and saw a sick smile on her face, reminding me of Chara in his last moments. An expression that was happy with the idea of someone dying...

"Y... you... really hate me that much?" I don't remember saying this AT ALL.

"Now I see who I was protecting by keeping you here" When I said that?! When all of this happened?!

"Not you..." Stop!

"But them!" That version of me exclaimed, an insane smile showing despair and struggle. I couldn't believe my eyes.

"Ha... ha..." And after that weak laugh, I just saw how my body turned into dust, my Boss Monster soul showed up, and broke in front of my daughter's eyes. I searched for hints of regret or sadness, but I wasn't able to find them. Instead, I just saw... satisfaction.

"Goodbye, mom~" I heard her say, her voice being sickly joyful, as my dust was a joke.

And when she stepped on my remainings fiercely with hate, I woke up...

I felt my eyes opening quickly, a pain in my chest similar to the one in my dream.

What was that? Why would I dream that?

I looked at my body to notice I was just fine, and that I was indeed on the Surface at my own bed, all alone. I heard some voices from the living room, so I decided to check out.

Frisk was there, chatting eagerly with Flowey. I sighed, knowing my child would never do something like that.

"Good morning, my daughter" I smiled, trying not to show my recent fear. She smiled back at me. Good. "Good morning, Flowey" He groaned as an answer, but that was normal. Good.

"I am going to make breakfast, ok?" Without expecting an answer, I rushed to the kitchen and got out all the ingredients necessary to make hotcakes (or pancakes... I don't understand what's the right name yet). The feeling of dread remained there, but it was weaker. Few days will take for me to forget this, but I'm sure I will. I need to stop focusing on those things...

As I served them the food, I realized I wasn't truly hungry, so I didn't make followed them towards the table. Instead, I went through the kitchen again, in case they needed anything.

But I didn't get a call from any of them.

I got a call of (Y/N), over my phone.

This is unusual...

"Hello, my child?" I tried to sound as kind and carefree as possible, not losing my formal tone "This is Toriel, do you need my assistance over something?"

"H-hi To-toriel..." She stuttered, any signs of confidence unable to be heard. "I, uh... I wanted to hear your, uh, advice...? I really, like, need help right now"

"Oh, what happened, my dear?" I was feeling how my soulbeat rushed, as panic was going through all my body at this point.

"I, uh... Toriel, I'm not okay"

...

...huh?

"What do you mean? What is not alright, dear?"

"Everything. Everything is a huge mess..."

"What do you-"

"Toriel, I don't know what to do!" She broke down, I didn't know if out in anger, despair, sadness, or a combination of all of them. "Yesterday I was having a nice day when I lost myself and now I feel so guilty. Now I can't stop remembering all the mean words I've received in my life, and to stop calling myself useless! I don't know how to do it! I've been hiding my emotions for, oh, so freaking long! How am I supposed to get better, Toriel! I... I...!"

I heard quiet sobbing coming from the other side of the phone. I was in shock. Chara... he used to have these breakdowns all the time... and I never knew how to react.

"Uh, (Y/N)...?" I asked, not sure if she was still willing to listening "I... How am I supposed to help you?"

I never meant to sound rude, but I wasn't in my right mind at that moment. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to help her out, considering how my dream was messing up with me.

"I, uh... eh" She started to babble, making the conversation more awkward. I really wanted to hang up the call, when she finally said something coherent. "I, uh, I'm sorry, it's just- you know what...? For... forget it. I'm sorry for, uh, wasting your... time? I, uh..."

"It's, uh, okay?" I answered, not sure how to feel. I wasn't really in my right mind. Maybe that dream affected me more than I thought...

"So, uh... I'll see you later, ok?" She probably feels awful... I should have known better.

"Yeah, uh... sure"

"Ha..."

"Ha..."

And then she finished the call.

I'm so sorry, (Y/N)...

I really am.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

I ended the call, feeling more stupid than ever. Why would I think that she would be able to help my weird stuff?! I'm just a fucking idiot.

So, uh... it was the day after I cried over my parents' photos... and I called up work and told my boss I was feeling sick. He told me I could miss that day, as it wasn't that important, but that the next day I had to go. I agreed weakly, taking up every chance I could to not go. I wasn't feeling up to it. And now, I was feeling worse.

Really, what was I thinking?! That she would help me out with my mental problems?! That's just so fucking idiotic! Oh my God, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

My phone's notification tone sounded, which was in fact "Hourglass" by Mindy Gledhill. I groaned, the feeling of crying increasing, and picked up my phone.

Ya like Jazz?: heya

Ya like Jazz?: mornin'

Ya like Jazz?: how ya doin'?  
~

I sighed, appreciating the thought of Sans being nice to me (and also that beautiful nickname I gave him). But at that moment, I really was feeling l should be punished by my own stupidity.

You: Good morning

You: I'm ok, thanks for asking

You: How are you?

Ya like Jazz?: eh

Ya like Jazz?: normal, i guess

You: Really?

You: And what does "normal" mean right now?

Ya like Jazz?: gonna be honest

Ya like Jazz?: i feel like shit

You: Oh...

You: Same

Ya like Jazz?: didn't you just say you were fine?

You: I lied

You: I'm sorry

Ya like Jazz?: i see

Ya like Jazz?: don't worry, tho

Ya like Jazz?: if you feel like shit, you can tell me

Ya like Jazz?: and then we both can feel like shit as the good friends we are :)

You: That's the most motivational thing I've heard

Ya like Jazz?: srry

Ya like Jazz?: im not the best person to ask for motivational advice, tibia honest

You: That's ok

You: I don't want emotional advice lol

Ya like Jazz?: dude like

Ya like Jazz?: why not???

You: I just tried to ask Toriel some advice

You: And it turned out to be really awkward

You: And now I feel like trash

Ya like Jazz?: oh shit

Ya like Jazz?: sorry mate

Ya like Jazz?: so u feelin' sad?

You: More like desperate

You: I want this feeling of dread to stop

Ya like Jazz?: why dontcha try to go to the therapist?

You: You think I should go?

You: Has it worked for you?

Ya like Jazz?: eh...

Ya like Jazz?: i would be lying if i say yes

You: Ouch

Ya like Jazz?: yeah

Ya like Jazz?: a part of me really wants to believe my therapist's words

Ya like Jazz?: but most of me says:

Ya like Jazz?: "hey, this dude is doin' this for money"

Ya like Jazz?: "he gives a fuck about your fucking feelings"

Ya like Jazz?: "so go back to the trash and die alone"

You: Wow

You: I think this is the time I've related to you the most

Ya like Jazz?: so you've gone to a therapist before?

You: Yeah, but...

You: I kinda forgot to take my pills for a long time, and...

You: I felt scared she would scold me???

Ya like Jazz?: so you never went again?

You: kinda??????

Ya like Jazz?: oof

Ya like Jazz?: that's tough, pal

Ya like Jazz?: so...

Ya like Jazz?: i don't know

Ya like Jazz?: how can i make ya feel better?

You: Dude

You: That's exactly what I want to know

Ya like Jazz?: touché

Ya like Jazz?: ok so

Ya like Jazz?: i'll try to cheer you up

Ya like Jazz?: k?

You: ok ok

You: Go for it

Ya like Jazz?: do you realize that, like

Ya like Jazz?: blinking is clapping for your eyes???

You: D U D E

Ya like Jazz?: so just remember that ur eyelids are always applauding u and cheering u, even when nobody else is doin' so

You: wow

You: That's oddly inspiring

You: And I just got a fucking eyelash on my eye wtf

Ya like Jazz?: that's kinda eyeronic

You: S A N S

Ya like Jazz?: srry

Ya like Jazz?: it's pun time my girl

You: oh no

Ya like Jazz?: O H Y E S

Ya like Jazz?: did you hear about the italian chef with a terminal illness?

You: no

Ya like Jazz?: he pastaway

You: oh my god

You: no

You: stop

Ya like Jazz?: never

Ya like Jazz?: oh, btw

You: ???

Ya like Jazz?: i've been following a seafood diet lately

You: Really?

Ya like Jazz?: yeah

Ya like Jazz?: every time I see food, I eat it  
~

It took me a while to notice the joke, but when I did, I laughed hard as hell. Sans was already spamming me with a ton of texts before I could catch my breath. Yeah, maybe Sans was the right one to talk to after... THAT.

You: ok, you got me

You: I laughed a lot

You: And I really needed that

Ya like Jazz?: good to hear

You: thnks for that

Ya like Jazz?: its nothin'

Ya like Jazz?: eifheriohgiergohncp

You: eh...

You: U alright???

Ya like Jazz?: a book fell on my head

Ya like Jazz?: and i accidentally hit the keyboard

You: wow

You: And you've only got yourshelf to blame?

Ya like Jazz?: pfft

Ya like Jazz?: dude

Ya like Jazz?: you literally wanted me not to say any puns

You: Yeah, now I regret saying it

You: Puns are beautiful

Ya like Jazz?: i'm gonna take a screenshot of this conversation

Ya like Jazz?: frame it up on the living room

Ya like Jazz?: and show it to you any time you complain about a pun

You: Please don't

You: I know you are capable of doing so

Ya like Jazz?: i have to

Ya like Jazz?: is my respunsibility

You: Sans

You: You are an amazing pal and all but...

You: Please don't

You: P L E A S E

Ya like Jazz?: T O O L A T E  
~

I spent a bit more of time talking with Sans, and I clearly understood how good he is at cheering up people. Based on what I've heard, he was a recognized stand-up comedian on the Underground. He used to tell jokes on Mettaton's Hotel, but his personal favorite was on Grillby's. Since he lived in Snowdin, is probably he liked it more there since he didn't have to waste any magic to go there. Or maybe he just loved Grillby's in general.

Actually, both of them sound pretty accurate.

Still, Sans has such a weird and varied sense of humor that is hard not to laugh with at least one of his jokes. He helped to lift up my spirits for a long while, and I really appreciated that.

However, as much as he likes to joke around, he can be pretty serious at times...

Ya like Jazz?: hey, so

Ya like Jazz?: if you are really feeling bad

Ya like Jazz?: you know my crappy jokes won't help forever, right?

You: heh

You: I really wished they could

Ya like Jazz?: if tori wasn't able to help...

Ya like Jazz?: why don't you try calling up asgore?

Ya like Jazz?: i heard he's been taking some therapy lately

Ya like Jazz?: maybe he can give ya the advice u need  
~

I actually never thought of calling Asgore, who we can say is kinda my boss, as I am the ambassador of his ex-kingdom. But thinking about it, I think he's even NICER than Toriel is, so... it would maybe be a smart move. Besides, if he was taking therapy (for any reason), he would maybe... he would maybe understand what I'm going through; unlike Toriel, who seems to be better than all of us together.

You: You think he'll help me out?

Ya like Jazz?: absolutely

Ya like Jazz?: he is a total dork

You: Did you just call the ex-King a dork???

Ya like Jazz?: hey

Ya like Jazz?: everyone does and even did on the underground

Ya like Jazz?: tho his government went out of control when tori left

You: yeah, it must have been tough

You: He lost his two children and his wife in such a short time

You: And now Toriel looks at him with... hate

Ya like Jazz?: i never looked at it that way, now that you mention it

Ya like Jazz?: but yeah, it has been bugging me a bit lately

Ya like Jazz?: how tori looks at him

Ya like Jazz?: but as much as he wanted us to have hope...

Ya like Jazz?: his policies were REALLY outta control

You: And an example of that is...?

Ya like Jazz?: we used to have snowball taxes

You: ...

You: What???

Ya like Jazz?: ya heard me

Ya like Jazz?: there was a stupid snowball game in the snowdin forest

Ya like Jazz?: it was like that stupid sport you humans do

You: Which of them???

You: There are a shitton of different sports we humans play

Ya like Jazz?: i just found out its called "golf"

Ya like Jazz?: i feel so stupid

You: Don't worry

You: I'll let you continue

Ya like Jazz?: ok, so

Ya like Jazz?: there was this "golf-but-with-a-snowball" game in the forest

Ya like Jazz?: actually, maybe it wasn't like golf

Ya like Jazz?: considering you had to PUSH THE FUCKING BALL

Ya like Jazz?: and, well, depending on how you treated the ball

Ya like Jazz?: you obtained a certain color

Ya like Jazz?: that resembled the "human souls" traits

Ya like Jazz?: and depending on the trait...

Ya like Jazz?: you obtained money

You: And the money came from the "snowball taxes"???

Ya like Jazz?: you got it

Ya like Jazz?: i hated those taxes so fucking much

Ya like Jazz?: that's why now i can't bear to see a golf game

Ya like Jazz?: it brings me bad memories

You: Dude

You: Taxes are the worst

You: But snowball taxes???

You: Dude...

You: I would also have hated them

Ya like Jazz?: ikr???

Ya like Jazz?: you had to pay extra money for a stupid child's game that no one liked!

Ya like Jazz?: and you know what's worse????

You: Oh

You: How is there something worse???

Ya like Jazz?: frisk played it

You: No way...

Ya like Jazz?: yes

Ya like Jazz?: frisk played the game a shitton of times

Ya like Jazz?: gained money

Ya like Jazz?: and never paid a 

Ya like Jazz?: single

Ya like Jazz?: fucking 

Ya like Jazz?: tax

You: Jesus Christ

You: That must have been a tough scene to watch

You: But thinking about it...

You: Adult life is tough itself

Ya like Jazz?: yeah

Ya like Jazz?: there are just taxes everywhere

Ya like Jazz?: it sucks

You: It does suck

You: But returning to the past topic...

Ya like Jazz?: oh, yeah

Ya like Jazz?: you can surely go ask him for advice

Ya like Jazz?: i hope he gives you more help than i gave to you

You: Dude

You: You are fine

You: You really helped me calm down

You: Relax for a bit

You: And clear my mind

You: So thank you

Ya like Jazz?: its nothin' kid

Ya like Jazz?: glad i could help you out

Ya like Jazz?: besides

Ya like Jazz?: you helped me feel better as well

Ya like Jazz?: so also thanks to you

You: How the hell did I help you???

Ya like Jazz?: i dunno

Ya like Jazz?: by "listening" i guess

Ya like Jazz?: not all people really want to hear this bag of bones

Ya like Jazz?: less if im gonna make a bad joke now and then

You: Hey

You: People should take you more seriously, pal

You: Not because you make jokes means your life is one

Ya like Jazz?: im gonna print that quote and put it in my room as a freaking poster

Ya like Jazz?: seriously

Ya like Jazz?: that's one of the best things someone has told me in my whole life

You: How many compliments you've ever got???

Ya like Jazz?: i dunno

Ya like Jazz?: probably five

Ya like Jazz?: or even less

You: I'm not gonna lie

You: You deserve more compliments

You: You are cool, pal

Ya like Jazz?: thanks my dude

Ya like Jazz?: you are pretty cool yourself as well

Ya like Jazz?: but hey

Ya like Jazz?: i won't keep ya any longer 

Ya like Jazz?: you better talk with asgore right now

Ya like Jazz?: besides

Ya like Jazz?: papyrus is already asking who stole a cookie from the jar xd

Ya like Jazz?: and mom is trying to solve the problem

Ya like Jazz?: as the responsible mother she is

You: I sometimes can't believe you are the older brother

You: But between you and me...

You: I would also be the one stealing cookies from the jar xd

Ya like Jazz?: finally someone understands

You: Is just too tentative!

Ya like Jazz?: yes it is

Ya like Jazz?: i just had to do it

You: Good luck dealing with Papy's rage

Ya like Jazz?: luck's appreciated, thank you

Ya like Jazz?: good luck to you too

You: Thanks :D

You: I don't know how to thank ya enough, so...

You: I'll just put a photo of a smiling cookie here, k?

Ya like Jazz?: i'm good with that  
~

After sending him the stupid picture of a cute cookie smiling, I called Asgore and hoped for the best. In case he would react the same way as Toriel did, I would probably need a hug from anyone and chat with Sans for hours again. Also, maybe a shitton of antidepressives. And I really don't want to do that.

"Hello? How may I help you?" That sweet tone reminded me of the day I met Gaster and him on the Congress. A formal, somehow insecure, and cheerful tone that I bet is one of his main characteristics. It is bad I focus way too much on other people's voices? I actually love Sans's voice for real... it is so unique it makes me stupidly happy. Or Arial's voice, not too feminine but quite attractive...

Ok, maybe I'm a bit of a creep...

I'm a fucking creep, I'll admit it.

I even scare myself sometimes.

"H-hi, Asgore, uh..." Ok, what I was supposed to tell him?! Thanks, Sans. "I'm really struggling with some, uh, stuff right now. I, uh, wanted to see if you could give me an, uh, advice?"

"Oh! Sure thing (Y/N)! What is it?" He sounded a bit more eager to help me out than Toriel... I was really having a good feeling that he could... help me a bit.

"I... Asgore, I really feel like nothing's ok"

"Oh, you feel like falling apart, huh?" He commented, a clear hint of sadness ringing through my ears. "I... I know what it feels like" He understands.

"Yeah, so... I really don't know what to do" I admitted, feeling a bit more comfortable.

"Ok, so... what did you do yesterday?"

"I, uh... I hang out with Sans and Papyrus"

"And after that, did you feel lonely?"

How the hell did he-

"Yeah... and I started to miss my family a lot. So I looked over my old cellphone and, uh, I... started to cry... a lot"

"Oh dear... you've ever gone to a therapist and tell them how much you remember your family?"

Huh, that's interesting...

I actually never talked about my family to my therapist, mostly because it was too painful... but also because she actually never asked me about it...

"Well, I went to a therapist once... but, uh... I quit because I didn't take my pills and freaked out"

"I see... maybe you should go to a new one, then! That way, you can start from zero! Also... maybe you should ask for help to remember when to take your pills! Or even set alarms! Or maybe carry them with you all the time...!"

I smiled weakly, even though he couldn't see me. The only thing I could identify on my soul was a feeling of relief, and I felt like at least I progressed on something.

"Also" He continued, sounding calm and somehow excited. That's how you realize he really isn't a bad guy. As much as he may have done horrible things in the past... he did them for his people. And unlike Toriel, he never left the monsters behind, and he indeed fought against his own beliefs to give them hope. I don't know if it's stupid from my part to say that I forgive him for everything he's done, even the freaking snowball taxes that bugged Sans a lot. "You should maybe get yourself a formal medical diagnosis. Maybe you have something that may affect you without being able to control it, something deeper than anxiety or depression. Maybe something you were born with? Maybe that can help?"

Thinking about it... an actual diagnosis wasn't a bad idea. When I was younger, thanks to my mom, I wasn't able to do so, as she insisted that I was a "healthy and sane child".

"Oh my God Asgore, you don't know how much this means to me" I tried not to sound too excited, but it was hard goddammit! Someone at least tried to help!

I mean, besides the skelebros...

Oh lord, I love them so much. They've made me so happy in such a short time.

After some minutes of casual conversation, I ended the call and started to search on the Internet any local therapist, and also a doctor that could make me an actual diagnosis of my messed up brain. As much as I hate using Facebook, it was easier to find them that way.

After finding a seemingly nice therapist and an experienced doctor, I contacted instantly and assigned a date.

Yes, I'm going to get out of this.

For my friends.

For the family I haven't been able to see.

And, most importantly...

For me.


	26. Useless meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans is a complete idiot, and you make him see that, but you somehow forget that you're also very selfless and doubtful.

*Your POV*

My legs trembling, my hands shaking, my heartbeat racing, my soul breaking. Strong, deep emotions overwhelm me when I put a foot inside of the building, still wearing my work clothes. Today has been the day where I would start again, and I was terrified of thinking about it. As much as I hate my usual negative feelings, they have become everything I've known for such a long time. I'm finally getting out of my "comfort zone", and it's scary.

People of all ages were there, looking fearfully at their surroundings and/or hugging another person to help them calm down. Sudden urges of having someone in my arms made me hold my breath and walk faster, as I tried not to focus on those thoughts. I've been feeling a bit lonely these days, but I really can't continue spending my days chatting with someone instead of attending myself properly.

It was heartbreaking to see teenagers or even kids in there, some with neutral expressions but others with tears in their eyes. This hospital, the Local Institute of Mental Help, has never been a happy place. People with horrible memories hunting them thanks to their PTSD, young ones finally finding out they have ADHD, anxious adults who have lost everything... all of them, in some points of their lives, tried to fake a smile and tell everyone that they were fine. But they weren't, they never were, and thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

Scared of being crushed by a lot of people in the elevator, I better started to walk through the white stairs of the place. Only a few decided to go there as well, so it was a calm ride to the fifth floor. It's funny, you know? There's this song in Spanish about a guy living in the apartment 512. My aunt used to play it a lot, and ironically, the room I was going to was labeled with that number: 512. The memory of her dancing and singing while she was cleaning... it was a bittersweet feeling, and I couldn't help but smile at it.

Dr. Miller, according to her Facebook page and people's comments, it's an experienced therapist who has dealt with mental problems for years, and that is also associated with the neuropsychologist Mr. Cooper, someone that I'm going to visit as well. She was the best therapist I could find and manage, and the neuropsychologist was my better option in the matter of getting professionally diagnosed, so I decided to go with both of them. Today, though, I was only going to get diagnosed by Mr. Cooper, then tomorrow, start with the conversational therapy.

According to him, when we chatted over Facebook (Messenger), it was better to first discard any mental features that may be causing this problem. I agree with him, of course, as it is more logical to see what is the problem in the brain, so that way it can be properly attended. I'm a biochemist, about to get my quantum physics degree. It's technically science- if there seems to be a problem in a reaction or certain equation, you need to know if there's something wrong at the very beginning, then you'll solve it.

Finally finding his room, I took a deep breath and opened the door. There was a small reception room, no one waiting there and TV sounds as a background. I looked over the receptionist, a young woman who was watching a "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" episode, and kindly greeted her.

"Ah, hello! Sorry... I was a bit distracted, hehe..." The girl sheepishly smiled at me, and I returned the gesture. She seems nice.

"Don't sweat it, it's fine" My smile widened when she let out a shaky sigh, still ashamed of being caught watching that comedy show. "Anyway..."

"Oh, yeah!" She put out a huge agenda with a ton of post-its, cleaned the dust that was on top of it, and started her research "Let's see, a date for today, at six pm... ah! You must be (Y/N) (L/N), then!"

"Yeah, that's me"

"Ok, you can come in...-" she looked over a room that was behind her, then back at me. "-right now!"

She let me into the doctor's place, which was incredibly big. A lot of machines, most of them recognizable, were neatly put in there and it still had a bunch of free space to walk comfortably. And there he was, a man probably in his mid-fifties checking out some papers and stuff. After I saw him, the receptionist left, so the doctor could start with the session.

"Ah, hello" His voice kinda reminded me of Asgore's one, combined a bit with Gaster's. "You must be (Y/N) (L/N), right?"

"That's me, doctor" And my anxiety was threatening with attacking me. Shit.

"You can call me Mr. Cooper or Aaron, young lady" He insisted, as he didn't like formalities that much. That wasn't weird, though; most of the doctors I've seen in all my life preferred to be called with a casual name rather than "Doctor" only. "But well, (Y/N)-" He extended his hand, and I naturally took it. "-it's a pleasure to meet you"

"Is my pleasure as well" I answered, trying to hold back the wishes of running away as fast as I could. Instead, I forced my face to widen my smile.

"Ok, so... my assistant over here will guide you through the machines that will let out your results" Another woman, only a bit older than the one at the reception room, was there. I didn't notice her at first, but there she was, with a small smile. "You'll have to endure through physical and brain examination. When the results are ready, I'll check them out and see what's been causing your feelings, ok?"

I nodded slightly, then as he said, the assistant helped me out.

Here I go...

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Asgore's POV*

My comfy and small house was now full of important monsters that were once part of my Royal Crew. Undyne, Gerson, Sans, Dr. Gaster, Dr. Alphys, my ex-wife Toriel... all of them were in the living room, either chatting or silently drinking a cup of tea. It has been a while since we became legally free thanks to our ambassador, and now, we need to solve multiple issues before we can continue.

"So you know, ex-majesty" I heard Gerson talked to Toriel, as I was preparing more tea in the kitchen. "Maybe creating a school can be quite a difficult request right now. Asgore says we need to settle a few things first"

"I still can't see why we are not ready to begin this project" Toriel huffed, as Gerson sighed in defeat. Tori has been a bit... closed-minded these few days. Actually, ever since (Y/N) talked to me over the cellphone, she has been acting a bit... weird. Like if she is been rushed to finish all her projects or else something horrible may happen. Or even that SHE is the one running out of time "Children need this space of education where their race would not be judged!"

"tori, uh, i don't think it's a good idea to begin huge projects like, eh, that" Sans has seemed a bit off as well, huge eyebags indicating he's been having a rough time. It's not like him not to joke around or lose concentration that easily. However, as he was drinking tea, he spaced out for a long time. "we still need to adapt, y' know?"

"As Sans said, it is true that we can not start anything big already" I spoke clearly enough for everyone to hear me, gaining their attention. "We need to settle down some things and, besides, have a few meetings with our current ambassador"

"You realize that (Y/N) would give us permission to do anything, right?" Tori snapped, looking even more annoyed at me than usual. As I thought, no one was happy with her shown behavior, as Sans stretched and sighed something including "how tense".

"W-we n-need to make the legal process, though..." Alphys was speaking for all of us, trying to get Toriel in the rational side "We cannot start a project if it's not legally accepted. We can't have a fair process of legalization without our ambassador around. And since (Y/N) knows the whole business that this process requires, the smartest option is to go with her."

"Yeah!" Undyne, being as energetic as she always has been, exclaimed. "Besides, we barely have put our lives together! We need to go step by step!"

"But this is what I-!"

"Miss Toriel," My main ex-royal scientist interrupted my wife, an action I totally understand. I would have done the same. "As much as we all seem eager about getting our personal projects done, we need to have the resources, permission, and also a somehow balanced lifestyle. We haven't been here for that long of a time- not even six months. Therefore, I must agree with everyone that this idea has to be postponed..."

The glare that my ex-queen gave him was horribly filled with hatred. She huffed and got out of my small living room by slamming the door. She seemed easily irritated by us disagreeing with her ideas. The atmosphere was tenser than before, making Alphys to do nervous fidgeting and Sans to look anywhere but at us.

"Hey, sorry for my ignorance, but what manners do we exactly have to settle? Wa ha ha!" Gerson awkwardly laughed, earning a long sigh from Dr. Gaster. I've noticed how each of my royal members have a very different way to deal with all of these new changes. Undyne seems eager to go step by step, using our own ways to do it and get it done. Alphys is nervous about what the future can bring and, also, the probability to lose the freedom (Y/N) helped us gain. Gaster is pretty confident about his skills and thinks that, if we somehow end on the Underground again, it will be someone else's fault. Toriel only wants to create her school and help others, and if it doesn't turn out right, she'll probably blame me. Gerson... he is really enthusiastic about the changes, and positive towards the obstacles we'll find. And Sans...

That boy is losing and gaining hope in such an irregular way it's making me worried sick.

My ex-royal judger, Sans, was known as someone difficult to get on his nerves. A couple of people recommended me to make him part of my crew. Curiously, his own dad didn't like the idea of having him as part of our group, but after interviewing the short skeleton, I immediately contradicted my royal scientist. Sans has an incredible mind and an outstanding way to see things. He is not that typical "I'm going to get through school and then being a regular person" guy. He thinks outside the box, has amazing ideas when he's passionate about something, and he's not that careless. He has such an outstanding intelligence and actually a rather high IQ that I consider him quite a genius. Yes, even if he used to go to Grillby's a lot and act pretty childish most of the time.

I recently got to know that (Y/N) and he are the same age. Both of them have a bright future to come, thanks to their intelligence and IQ!

...but for that to happen, they can't give up.

I really hope (Y/N) has made the decision to get therapy and try to change her routine a bit. As for Sans... I'm afraid I don't know what's up with him. Sometimes he is all negative and insists there's no point trying, but other times he looks more relaxed and, well, up to start telling bad jokes. Unfortunately, this day has not been the latter case.

"G-gerson..." Alphys pushed her glasses closer to her temples. "We need to adjust our lives to human different environments and traditions. Also, uh, get more educated in order to start working, so- EEK!"

A small, white, and fluffy creature escaped from the hallway, balancing towards Alphys.

"hey, maya! stop it!" Sans rushed to help, putting the dog away from Alphys's lap. It seemed we all forgot that Sans brought along his dog, an adorable puppy named Maya. He said that no one would be able to take care of her, so he asked permission to bring her into my house. She is a great doggy, but quite an energetic one as well. "sorry 'bout that, alphys. maya can be really... excited to meet new people"

"I knew you shouldn't have brought her" Gaster muttered, though everyone caught up what he said. Sans's eyesockets darkened for a second, but he continued on focusing on his pup. "Anyway, we should really discuss what's going to happen, right?"

"Yeah!" Undyne, again, exclaimed, but then looked hesitant about it. "But shouldn't we... talk about this with the punk?"

"you mean (y/n)?" Sans continued petting Maya, as the puppy started to calm down on his embrace.

"Yes! She is the ambassador, after all!" She grinned, not losing her eagerness one bit. I sighed.

"I think we should really talk at least a bit about it, then approach our ambassador..." I offered, Undyne hesitating again, but this time more convinced of doing the talk now than later.

"Ok, but... how can we extend our knowledge to the point we are the humans' average level (at least)?" Now that is a good question... "Wait- isn't Gaster ALREADY working...?"

"Yes," The doctor admitted, annoyance clearly present in his eyesockets "but that is because I'm experienced enough to join, Alphys" He snapped.

We remained silent after such a comment. No one was happy, I was sure about that. Besides Maya, of course.

"There are open universities right now..." Gerson murmured, feeling clearly uncomfortable. 

"Y-yeah! That is a good idea!" Alphys exclaimed, then silence. Overwhelming, awful silence. After a few minutes staying like that, at the verge of breaking down and scream, someone raised their voice. 

"actually..." Sans spoke up, after some minutes of awkward silence. "is better if we have (y/n) here. she, uh, has more control over this. we are just rambling"

Some other minutes of silence followed, then one by one, they started to leave with quick goodbyes. It was sad to see how we couldn't get to any actual talk. I sighed, waving back at Gerson, the last person that left.

Yes, maybe it is better if our ambassador is here...

I just hope she is in the right mind to do it...

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

"Miss (L/N), the results are ready"

After waiting for God-knows-how-long, the results came up. I returned to the doctor's office, place that was aside from the laboratory. I met up with him, who was already eyeing the papers with a concentrated look. I became nervous, not knowing if my case was much worse than I expected or I didn't have anything. In both cases, it would be horrible to deal with. I don't want to be through hard therapies, but I also feel sick thinking about being seen as a liar...

Honestly, I don't know what I'd like to expect.

After eyeing the diagnosis a few more times, he silently nodded and saved the files on his desk. Then, he made instant eye contact with me, which I immediately responded with looking away from his gaze. People's eyes make me nervous, and I've never been able to keep up with them for a long time.

"Ok, Miss (L/N), I already analyzed your results..." He made a brief pause, only for taking a sip out of his coffee. "However, I want to confirm some of the theories I came with, and for that, you'll need one or maximum two therapy meetings with Dr. Miller"

Are you fucking kidding-

"I see..." I sighed, more nervous than before "I'll confirm a therapy with her, then"

"That won't be necessary" He explained "I already scheduled one, as this is part to confirm what feature in your brain is exactly making you feel and act like you've been doing. It is okay if I put it for tomorrow at the same hour, right?"

I made a mental review of my weekly activities, and as usual, I didn't have any interesting things to do after work. I nodded, then, and shook his hand as I rushed to the exit and paid for the date. 

I walked through the hallways again, trying not to focus on anyone this time. Of course, I failed.

Everything just seemed horribly messy. My mind wasn't thinking at all, just... going. I didn't want to fall down and feel despair, but God, I don't know what I have! I'm so tired of being like this for oh so long. I... I just...

I need a fucking break-

Before I could collapse emotionally or practically start going through Naruto running, a little kid approached me, asking why I was in such a rush... I smiled kindly at him, but inside of me, I really wanted to hug him and cry for hours.

"I'm sorry, kiddo... I'm just a bit... messed up right now" I answered slightly, not sure what to tell him. I don't want to lie, not anymore, and I know a kid won't judge me, less if he's here. "And what'cha doing here, buddy?"

"I lost my tutor..." He looked down, ashamed of saying it out loud.

"Oh geez... let's go find your tutor, then!" I tried to be enthusiastic, but he didn't really like the idea...

"She... is not the best" He answered, not wanting to go through many details, but still told me the general idea. "Everyone in the orphanage says I'm crazy... including her. That's why she brought me here, but... I can't be crazy, right?! I'm just a normal kid!"

He was about to breakdown, and a painful wave of nostalgia invaded me when I saw those pained eyes, reminding me of how I used to claim as well that I was normal. Of course...

mY mOThEr nEVeR bELIevEd mE-

"Okay, bucko" I reached for an empty sofa that was at the huge waiting room, then patted the place next to me. He hesitantly took a seat, hugging himself out in insecurity. "Tell me 'bout yourself, and I'll see if I can talk with your tutor"

"Really?!"

"Definitely, kid. You seem nice, but I need to know how exactly you are..." I choose carefully my words, not wanting to sound like some creep to him. I really wanted to help him, as I know the feeling of being rejected just because you are... different. "So bring it on! What do you like to do in your free time?"

"I like to draw!" He exclaimed, eyes sparkling with excitement.

"That's nice, bud" I smiled, not finding anything weird in that hobby. I mean, who would? "And what do you like to draw?"

"My parents... dead" He frowned when he said that, not meeting my gaze. Still, he continued. "I sometimes draw my dreams, though, but they often involve the same thing, so... is there any difference?"

His... parents?

Dead...?

Like, their bodies...? (yes, you jackass. what else could it be?!)

Jesus Christ...

"And, uh, is there anything surrounding them, or..." I was starting to sound doubtful, so I tried my best to show confidence. If I don't show confidence, he also won't. "Do you picture them in a specific place, child?"

"Yeah... in our old house... in a fire..." He lost himself in thoughts, talking his mind out without hesitation nor confidence. Just talking. "They died there, a year ago, and... it's kinda therapeutic to let it out in drawings. But my tutors say I'm crazy by doing that..."

Ok, I think I understand.

"I see... let's search for your tutor, ok?"

"But I don't want to go back there!"

"I'll talk to her, believe me. I'll see what I can do"

"Okay..."

We walked through the hallways that the boy signaled me, and after a few minutes of small talk and slow steps, we found a brunette woman who seemed really frustrated. The boy got behind me, and whispered softly "she is my tutor". I noticed how tightly he hugged my leg, and I swear I felt like crying. It was awful to think he needs mental help, but... it was the right thing to do.

"Oh, there you are!" The tutor exclaimed angrily yet... relieved. "I've been looking for you anywhere! Now let's go to your date, you... kid..." It was easy to notice she was about to curse but decided not to since another person was present (aka me).

"Hello Miss" I kindly greeted her, keeping myself together for once. "May I talk to you for a brief moment? I really want to point something out, if it's not that much of a bother..."

"I, uh... we have a date right now, lady" She answered nervously, if as a secret could dangerously be exposed.

"I can wait" I told her patiently, wearing a smile I probably shouldn't have worn on a time like that. Oh well. It's easy to get onto people's nerves, you know? More if they have a bunch of hidden and controversial stuff in the back of their minds. "You go there, and we can talk after the date"

"Ah... sure" She had no choice, honestly. I was going to wait outside, anyways. There's no way I'm getting outta here without answers.

"But I don't even wanna go there!" The child complained, holding my leg tighter and looking at me. I met his eyes for a brief second and flashed a toothy grin, just like Undyne would have done. She is a really confident woman. And I can be one, too.

"Hey, do not worry, kid" I looked over at his tutor "We'll solve this once you get out. Besides, it'll really help you out, bud"

"Do you think I'm crazy as well?!" He was about to cry... oh dear. My heart was aching badly at this point, the grin becoming harder to keep.

"Nope. More like... misunderstood, bucko" I shoot a deathly glare to that poor excuse of a tutor. She gulped. "And I think the therapist will be the one to finally understand you"

"You... you think...?!" He regained confidence and looked more hopeful, while he couldn't help but gently sniffle. It was so pure...

"Of course!" Please don't breakdown, (Y/N). You are better than this (actually no, but... just keep going, goddammit!) "Now you go ahead, and I'll meet ya later, k?"

"Ok!" He let go of my leg and joined the brunette into the room, a faint greeting heard from there. Then the door was closed. I sighed and took a seat into a rough chair next to this door, deciding to check any notifications I may have. Between Mario Run and Tumblr, there wasn't anything interesting that needed to be checked. Except for a text from Asgore, that arrived a minute ago.

I quickly introduced my password and saw what was about.

King FluffyBuns xd: Hello, (Y/N)

King FluffyBuns xd: I wanted to know if tomorrow you can meet up with us...?

King FluffyBuns xd: We need to discuss a few things  
~

Fuck, the meeting.

I totally forgot we needed to discuss the future.

I'm such a dumbass.

You: Hello, Asgore

You: I have a really busy day tomorrow

You: But worry not

You: We can settle the meeting to Friday

You: That ends up being a day after tomorrow  
~

Tell me I didn't screw up. Tell me I didn't screw up!

King FluffyBuns xd: Sure thing

King FluffyBuns xd: I just got a message from Sans saying he'll be busy tomorrow as well

King FluffyBuns xd: And I want everyone present while we discuss this stuff, so...  
~

Wait a sec-

You: Sans???

You: BUSY???

King FluffyBuns xd: Yes, I know it sounds weird

King FluffyBuns xd: But he says that he has to run some errands about to his and Papyrus's education.

You: It makes more sense

You: But "his" education?

You: Is he in a college or something?

King FluffyBuns xd: I'm afraid I have no idea, young lady

King FluffyBuns xd: But I'm sure that, if you ask him, he'll tell you  
~

Ask Sans, huh?

You: Ok

You: So the meeting is okay for Friday, right?

King FluffyBuns xd: I think it is

King FluffyBuns xd: But if there's a last-minute issue, I'll let you know

You: Thanks

You: See you on Friday, King Asgore

King FluffyBuns xd: See you on Friday as well, Ambassador  
~

It's... kinda funny how we keep little formalities between us. But I still must show higher respect to him now and then, as he used to have the major authority role in the Underground, and is my current "boss" in the job of ambassador.

Now, time to talk to the skele...

You: Yo, dude

short skelly: what's up?  
~

Why did I put him that nickname-

You: So I talked with Asgore...

You: And he told me you had "errands" to do

You: That you'll be...

You: "BUSY"

You: Is that true, bud?

short skelly: surprisingly

short skelly: it is

You: And "your" education???

short skelly: that's true as well

You: mind getting into details???

short skelly: are you up for some weird storytime?

You: I have time

short skelly: ok

short skelly: so y' know when ya gave meh the documents for my education and all that stuff

You: The folder with the post-it?

short skelly: exactly

short skelly: so i thought to myself

short skelly: "hey, what if i apply to the university (y/n) told me about in the post-it? giving it a try won't hurt"

short skelly: now, i know it's kinda stupid doing this too soon

short skelly: i dont even have enough money for any college loan

short skelly: but i still went

You: So you are telling me to imagine a nervous and short skeleton in the admission offices?

short skelly: a very nervous skeleton, yes

short skelly: but not as short as you imagine him ¬¬

You: xd

You: Continue

short skelly: so i gave the lady all the papers needed

short skelly: i did the tests

short skelly: basically everything

You: And?

short skelly: after that, i thought there was NO WAY i was getting in there

You: Oh my God, no

You: I'm gonna hit your skull so bad whenever I see you

You: Have more confidence in yourself!

You: You are amazing!

short skelly: jesuschristyouaresokindthankyou

short skelly: but really

short skelly: i felt like "oh, you are never going to even get into a university, you naive stupid skeleton"

You: I'm gonna hit you twice now

short skelly: please don't

short skelly: im sensitive

You: Okay, dear child

You: Continue with the story

You: andpleasedonotaddanynegativecommentsaboutyourselfagain

short skelly: ok ok

short skelly: so there you see me, scolding myself for several days

short skelly: and i was already starting to lose that VERY dim hope i had inside of me

short skelly: that, until an email arrived today

You: W A I T

You: Oh my God

You: YOU DID IT????????????

You: FOR REAL??????????

short skelly: somehow, yes

short skelly: with a 90% scholarship

You: DUDE

You: DID YOU REALLY DOUBT YOURSELF?!

You: 90% PERCENT IS A SHITTON OF MONEY SAVED!

short skelly: yeah

short skelly: i dunno how that happened

short skelly: i mean, the email even said my name

short skelly: in weird fancy letters and all that shit

You: Like

You: "[insert fancy typography stolen from dafont.com] Dear Sans the Skeleton, we are overjoyed to say that you've been accepted to be part of a memorable experience here at Ebott University" and all that stuff?

short skelly: most likely

You: I'm so proud of you bud

You: I think I'm going to cry

You: *wipes tear dramatically* You've gotten so far, my dear child

short skelly: lmao

short skelly: thanks mom

short skelly: it's kinda funny, you know?

short skelly: papyrus even wanted to throw out a party when i told him

short skelly: which was five minutes ago

You: Y E S

You: You deserve it!

You: Hooray for your new student life!

short skelly: stopbeingsokindandsupportiveohmygod

You: srry

You: I just feel so proud I can't contain myself

short skelly: you sound like my mom's supposed to sound

You: Then I can be your mom!

You: wait

You: no

You: That would be really weird

short skelly: actually, yes

short skelly: that would be weird

short skelly: so thanks for the offer, but i'll have to say no

You: ok ok

You: So...

You: How are you going to do it?

You: Go to classes or online?

short skelly: i know its pretty stupid to say this, remembering i went through the building itself

short skelly: but i'm really rooting more for the online option

short skelly: but the career i want is not online

short skelly: so yeah

You: I see

You: what you gonna study then???

short skelly: first i want to study biochemistry

short skelly: then quantum physics

short skelly: so yeah

You: hell yeah

You: You are part of my people

short skelly: lol

You: Well

You: Whatever you want to do, bud

You: Just know you'll have our never-ending support

You: Or at least mine

short skelly: youaregoingtomakemecryjesuschrist

You: nuuuuu

You: please don't cry!

short skelly: too late

short skelly: your support is just too overwhelming

short skelly: but it means a lot to me

short skelly: thankyousomuchgirlahhhhhhh

You: Wait

You: so you are crying???

short skelly: you can ask papyrus

short skelly: who is shouting at me:

short skelly: "HEY! WHY ARE YOU GETTING EMOTIONAL OVER YOUR LAPTOP?! IS JUST THE FREAKING INTERNET!"

You: lol

You: tell him I say hi btw

short skelly: you got it

short skelly: he says hi as well

short skelly: and to stop making me cry

You: if making you cry is being supportive...

You: Then I guess you'll cry 4 ever

short skelly: well damn

You: Sorry bud

You: Is my duty

You: oh shit wait

You: I gtg

You: talk to ya later

You: And again

You: Congrats!

short skelly: ohgoshthanks

short skelly: talk to ya later as well

short skelly: bye friend

You: Bye, dear friend of mine!

short skelly: *cries more* whyareyousosweetahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

You: lmao, thanks

You: but seriously, i really gtg now

short skelly: got it

short skelly: bye fellow pal!

You: Bye soon-to-be college student!  
~

Before the brunette and the child could go away, I shut down my cellphone and approached them. The kid had a few tear stains on his face, while the lady had a less bitchy look. In fact, she seemed to... finally understand.

"So? How did it go?" She jumped a bit after hearing my voice, turning around quickly. She sighed.

"I... Wow, now I see why you wanted to talk to me..." She admitted sheepishly, never making eye contact. "I think we are not giving him the correct environment nor education..."

"I see you now understand, huh?" I then looked over the kid, who seemed bothered by something. "What 'bout you, kiddo? How did ya feel in there with the doc?"

"I... I now know what is wrong, miss..." He looked down and smiled sadly "But what should I do, then?"

"Either join a psychiatric center or have constant therapy..." I answered him, but those words were mostly towards the tutor. She nodded.

"He's so young to go there... I'll try my best to keep him with me and, overall, help him" Like most of the people, she was afraid of what he could experience on a hospital of that kind. They are not pretty; we all know that.

"Nice" I sighed in relief, letting out the air I was subconsciously holding in. "Just watch out for bullying, k? He has enough with this- no need to deal with that mess"

"Yes... I'll supervise Kenneth more often"

"Thanks, I appreciate your change of mind" I smiled happily, watching right through her eyes. No lies, just... empathy. And maybe a bit of pity towards the little buddy. I got almost to my knees and looked at Kenneth, who gained the confidence to hug his tutor's leg. "Be good, ok kid?"

"Thank you, miss..."

"I'm (Y/N), buddy..." A wave of nostalgia invaded me, memories of the day I met Gaster and Asgore striking me fiercely. "(Y/N) (L/N)"

The tutor's eyes widened, and a smile crept onto her face, along with a particular shine in her greenish eyes.

"Oh my God!" She exclaimed loud enough, hardly containing herself. "You are monsters' ambassador, right?! I've been admiring your strong dedication for months, haha..."

Wait, does she know me...?

I mean, I probably got in the news or some shit, but she's the first stranger to point me out...

That's kinda funny, actually.

"Yes, I am the ambassador..." I made a brief pause to take a deep breath, only to meet with her excited eyes again. I sighed. "thanks for appreciating my work! I try my best..."

She was about to reply when she gets a notification, then she frowned.

"Well... we got to go..." She sighed, but still was looking at me "It was so nice meeting you!"

"Same, same" I smiled, then ruffled the boy's hair. "Bye, buddy! Good luck!"

"Thank you, Miss (L/-"

"Nope" I interrupted him, but not for being rude. "Call me (Y/N), k bud?"

"...okay, Miss (Y/N)!"

"That's way better; welp, see ya!"

My normal routine followed after that: walking out of the building, getting into the subway, listening to Bon Jovi 'til I'm almost deaf, walking out of there as fast as Sonic's speed, and finally, arriving at my apartment.

I, then, followed to continue the ritual: get into my pajamas, maybe eat something (in this case just some cheap noodles... those are good shit), turn on the TV, go to "sleep" (and for God's sake, please don't misinterpret that)

Well... maybe I DID add things to my usual routine...

You: YO!

You: WHAT'S UP SKELEBOI???

short skelly: not much

short skelly: WHAT ABOUT YOU, TOOTS???

You: didyoujustcallmetoots-

short skelly: shit

short skelly: srry

You: nah no problem

You: That's actually so freaking cute

You: I'm more of amused than bothered

You: (because i'm not bothered at all)

short skelly: so i can call you nicknames now???

You: sure

You: I don't see why not

short skelly: YASSSSSSS

short skelly: i'm so relieved

short skelly: i've been putting you so many nicknames in this chat i can't

short skelly: i almost even called you one of those nicknames the other day

short skelly: good thing i'm not THAT stupid

You: don't worry

You: I won't ever get angry for that

You: unless the nickname is an insult, that is

short skelly: i see

short skelly: that's understandable, snowflake

You: snowflakeisactuallyaprettygoodoneohmygod

short skelly: snowflake it is then

short skelly: ALSO

short skelly: papyrus was serious about the party thingy

short skelly: he'll probably do it on saturday

You: HOLY SHIT YES

You: gonna be at your house???

short skelly: yep

short skelly: not sure if i want everyone to go tho

You: Oh

short skelly: not your case tho

short skelly: i'd like to see you there

You: thankyousomuch

You: iwasactuallyscaredforamomentjesuschrist

short skelly: lol sorry

You: But who would you not like to see there???

short skelly: well, i don't want that flower to ruin the mood

You: Understandable

You: REALLY understandable

You: But he's just a capricious, sassy, and misunderstood child

short skelly: how did you know he was a child...?

You: I'm actually judging his behavior...

You: What do you mean he's a child?

short skelly: nvm

You: SANS

short skelly: sorry

short skelly: thought you knew something you aren't supposed to know

short skelly: turns out u r good

You: ...okay?

You: You know I'll end up knowing it someday, right?

short skelly: don't think so

You: Are you doubting my detective skills?

short skelly: what if i am?

You: THEN

You: I guess I'll just prove you wrong

short skelly: surprise me, then

You: Someday, Sans

You: Someday...

short skelly: anyway

short skelly: i really don't want that flower near me

short skelly: but also

short skelly: i don't want gaster to be there as well

short skelly: maybe not even arial

You: I understand you have some issues with your parents

You: But I don't think you can uninvite them from a party that's gonna happen in the place they live

short skelly: TECHNICALLY I CAN

You: Wait don't tell me

You: Because you paid the house on your own, right?

short skelly: waithowdidyouknow

You: youalreadytoldmetheothertimeyoudork

short skelly: ohshityouareright

You: But seriously

You: You don't even want them in that small celebration???

short skelly: i've done this all by my own

short skelly: i achieved this alone

short skelly: and i'll pay it myself

short skelly: why should they have an invitation???

short skelly: they never did something for me

You: they created you tho

short skelly: that's exactly why i hate them

You: 1-100 real quick

short skelly: i really just don't want them there

You: If you don't want them there, they will have to respect your decision

You: Is a party for you, after all

You: Is there anyone else in your blacklist, Sansta?

short skelly: I FUCKING SNORTED

short skelly: HOW THE FUCK DID I SNORT???

short skelly: thisisexactlywhywearefriendsthough

You: I know

You: Friendship goals

short skelly: hell yeah

short skelly: so i would like to add frisk in that blacklist, but...

short skelly: i would have to exclude the whole dreemurr family

short skelly: and i don't want to generate any problems 

You: Why you don't want Frisk in there?

short skelly: long story short, she is a bitch

You: *slowly claps*

short skelly: *bows majestically*

You: *loud cheers*

short skelly: *loud screams ;)*

You: NOOOOOO

You: I thought we were done with the dirty comments!

short skelly: we haven't got that far yet ;)

You: *sighs dramatically*

short skelly: *lays dramatically on a table*

You: why do we have to do roleplay every time we chat

short skelly: we can't let our dreams be dreams

short skelly: ifyouknowwhatimean ;)

You: stop

short skelly: never

short skelly: wait

short skelly: don't you have work tomorrow?

You: yes, why?

short skelly: what are you doing up at 3 am then?

You: Insomnia is being a bitch again

short skelly: fair enough

You: And what are you doing?

short skelly: just wandering

short skelly: watching the sky

short skelly: and just woke up from a nightmare btw thanks for asking

You: that sucks dude

You: I hate nightmares

You: I mean

You: Who doesn't?

You: But lately the nightmares have been awfully worse

You: At least for me

short skelly: yeah

short skelly: i just can't stop thinking that everything will go downhill one day

short skelly: that every friend i have will leave me

short skelly: or that this will not work and we'll get into the underground eventually

You: yeah

You: I'm afraid of that as well

You: Even though I'm a human, it will fuck me up a lot if you had to return to the Underground

You: I would never get over it

You: are your dreams specifically about something?

short skelly: yes

short skelly: yours?

You: yeah

You: I've only dreamt probably about the three same things these last years

You: It's driving me crazy

short skelly: yeah

short skelly: i don't even know how i'll survive college

You: You'll do just fine

You: I believe in you

short skelly: that's exactly why i'm freaking out

short skelly: i don't want to disappoint anyone

You: let me give ya a quick tip, buddy

You: Do this for yourself

You: Don't do what others think you should do and how they wanted it to be done

You: It's your life, not theirs

You: And if someone thinks they have the right to define what your future will be 

You: then they can go fuck themselves

You: I've learned that the hard way

short skelly: the hard way???

You: yeah

You: My mother used to settle my behavior, never let me do what I really wanted

You: I had to play with dolls, paint my nails, learn how to cook and be a good wife

You: But what if I didn't want any of those things?

You: That's why my younger self went against all these ideologies of her

You: Of course, I've learned how to cook and paint my nails throughout the years

You: It became handy, honestly

You: Even makeup is important, as it shows that you truly care about your job or whatever

You: But dolls?

You: I never gave them a chance, since it was falling to the traps of my mother

You: I didn't want to listen to her

You: I wanted to be myself and not hear "see? I told you I was right!"

You: If she would have known she was correct in some things, she would have become stricter

You: That's how I learned that I didn't have to change my personality if I didn't want to

You: And that's how I've been growing slowly as a person and finding out more about myself

short skelly: wow

short skelly: your mom sure was an ass

You: Well said

short skelly: seriously

short skelly: how did you turn out so kind then?

You: Everyone deserves a chance to know themselves better and to know others as well

You: Sometimes we all make mistakes because we don't know ourselves that much

You: Therefore, we are really "modifiable"

You: That doesn't mean you are weak, though

You: Just means that you need more time

short skelly: since when you are a fucking philosopher???

You: Since high school taught me philosophy, thanks for asking

short skelly: you had Philosophy as a class????

short skelly: boy, i would have loved to have that

short skelly: wait

short skelly: shit

short skelly: i think papyrus entered the room

You: what do you mean with "i think"???

short skelly: i'm at the balcony of my room

You: oh

short skelly: shit he's searching for me

short skelly: what do i do???

You: ...teleport the hell outta there?

short skelly: TO WHERE, SNOWFLAKE???

short skelly: TO WHERE???

You: You can come to my house ;) 

You: My parents aren't here ;))))

You: JUST KIDDING JUST KIDDING DON'T TELEPORT HERE

short skelly: DUDE

short skelly: YOU MADE ME FUCKING SNORT AGAIN

short skelly: HE IS GOING TO CATCH ME THANKS TO YOU

You: sorry not sorry xd

short skelly: oh no

short skelly: HE'S COMING

short skelly: HEOJPOGOPERNGPER

You: Now Sans has died 

You: His brother probably scolded him for talking to his human friend at almost 4 am (still 3 am though)

You: Sans's phone was confiscated

You: And so he crawled into a boring and horrible death

You: Without Internet

You: *sniffs* Another great person has left us

short skelly: HUMAN

short skelly: STOP TALKING TO MY BROTHER AND GO TO SLEEP

You: ok mom

short skelly: WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME MOM???

short skelly: GO TO SLEEP!

You: sorry paps

short skelly: DON'T WORRY

short skelly: ALSO

short skelly: WHY DOES SANS HAVE YOU WITH THIS NICKNAME???

You: What nickname???

short skelly: "PIPSQUEAK"

You: ohmygod

You: It's okay, don't worry

You: Leave it like that

short skelly: OKAY (Y/N)!

short skelly: GOODNIGHT!

You: Goodnight, you two

You: Take care  
~

I giggled a bit, mostly at Sans's misfortune. I put the phone away, not before checking if the alarm was set. After confirming, I hugged my pillow and stared to the ceiling, just messy thoughts filling my head. I smiled a bit, and in comparison with other nights, this one was really peaceful. No tears were dropped...

I felt HOPE.


	27. Autistic Humor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because autism it's part of our lives, and also horrible therapies and messy families.

*Your POV*

The same painful white hallways I got to see yesterday. I walked through them and headed to Dr. Miller's room, where I would get conversational therapy. That's probably the worst part of the procedure- I just suck at expressing my feelings towards people, face to face. You bet I was shaking and scratching my hands, to the point I was almost bleeding. I was scared (like almost all the time), and I couldn't help it. I wasn't able to register the new people present in the institute; the conversations seemed to be light years away from me. I was only walking, but not thinking. Just lost in my mind... and probably also lost in there.

I looked over Facebook again, the panic making me forget the location. I checked and rechecked the number... then almost burst out in laughter. I went through the indicated floor, stood in front of the door, and saw the number in all its glory: 420. 

God, I feel like a twelve-year-old... 

Ignoring my childish sense of humor, I took a deep breath and opened the door, meeting with a comfier waiting room than Dr. Cooper's. It was silent and empty, except for the receptionist. The only sound present was the faint piano music on the background, the beat going up and down while playing a popular melody. I remembered the soft feeling of the piano tiles, an instrument I used to play a lot on my childhood and teenhood years. I smiled at the memory, remembering how excited I was when I learned the main theme of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I was so proud- I played it countless times. after that It was so beautiful...

Those days were the best. 

I hate that, most of the time, I'm feeling quite nostalgic- I can't help but remember my past life. 

I looked at the receptionist and smiled kindly at him, who was lost in the sound of the notes put together.

"Ah, hello!" He greeted me, a small smile shown on his face. "How have you been today?"

"Hello!" I softly exclaimed, almost like a whisper. "I've been overall good, thanks for asking. What about you?"

"It's been a great day, miss!" He smiled more. He seemed to be 16-18 years old, with the usual energy of a teenager, but also the rare enthusiasm to do his job. How admirable... "Anyway, may I have your name, miss?"

"Sure; (Y/N) (L/N)" I feel chills every time I get to say my last name. I have all the right to say it, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't...

"(Y/N) (L/N)... ambassador, right?" Wow, two people have recognized me. 

Fame is hard to handle. 

"Yep! Ambassador of the monsters!" I answered proudly, being honored to have that title. I love them so much and they have helped me a lot, so it's amazing for me to be able to help them as well. 

"Oh wow! That must be an amazing job to have!" So energetic... reminds me of Paps... "Anyway, I won't keep you any longer. You can come in!"

He let me access a small hallway with three different rooms. Listening to the guy's instructions, I went to the one that was at the very end. I knocked lightly on the door, a feminine voice telling me to come in after that. And so I did, entering slowly into the room and catching every detail. 

The place seemed cozy, a beautiful combination of light brown and beige impressing my eyes. There were two chairs and a small desk in front of them, and behind it, the therapist resided. 

"Ah, hello, miss (L/N)" She smiled kindly, although I flinched at the mention of my last name. However, I didn't say anything. "It is so nice to finally meet you"

"The feeling's mutual, Dr. Miller" I smiled, in fact feeling relieved from finally visiting her. 

She smiled brightly, the eyes behind her glasses sparkling a bit. 

"Very well, (Y/N); you may take a seat"

I followed her orders, playing with my fingers for a while. She took out a notebook and a pen, then started the session with a basic question: 

"How old are you, (Y/N)?" The way she decided to call me by my name instead of my last name made me feel at ease. 

"I'm twenty-two years old" 

"Oh! You are younger than I thought!" She exclaimed, her voice suddenly reminding me of the motherly tone that Toriel has. "You are so young to have such an important job! Doesn't the pressure sometimes get the best of you?"

"It does, yes... but I think it's mostly caused by the pressure of having two jobs"

"Makes sense for me. I have two jobs as well"

"Really?" 

"Yeah!" She grabbed her phone and showed me pictures of a recognized school for people with mental "issues". Well, more like illnesses. "I am a teacher in that school! I truly love these boys; they are my everything!"

I smiled, happy that, after so many years of working in the same thing, she is still as passionate about it. Will it be the same for me?

"So tell me, (Y/N)" She put the phone back in her purse, then tried to make eye contact with me. However, I refused to look into her intimidating glance. "Do you interact with people of your age often?"

"Eh... not that much?"

"How many friends that are around your age you've ever had?"

"Uh, well... I've been having only one friend for years, you know?" I didn't notice that I was fidgeting more than before... "I've made some others recently, but... I met them thanks to my job as an ambassador, so I don't know if I should credit my poor social skills for that"

"So you have monster friends?" She seemed quite... interested about the race I'm representing. That's good, I guess. 

"Yep. They are pretty cool"

"And you've only known them for a couple of months, right?"

"Exactly. BUT they are kind and supportive; you have no idea how wonderful they've been acting towards me all this time!"

"You are the perfect one for that job" She muttered, still smiling. Then, continued speaking at a normal tone. "So when you were younger, you only had one friend?"

"Yes, just one friend of my age"

"Ok..." She wrote some things down in her notebook, then looked at me again "Do you get, then, mostly along with people of other ages?"

"I think I get better with older people, as they have similar points of view as mine..." I said out loud, while I was thinking about all those times where I'd sometimes chat with teachers rather than students. They probably pitied me... "I feel a kind of sympathy and connection with them, as they have been through a lot and are wiser"

"Ok... how good were you when it came at the hour of doing teamwork?" Oh shit. 

"Eh... I'll be honest. I sucked at working with others" 

"You are quite the introvert, then" She smiled, then asked another question "If you have been alone so much time, how well do you think you know yourself?"Know you are asking the real questions...

"...almost nothing?" Why did that come out as a question? "Eh... I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, you know? I feel like this is what I've always dreamed of- helping others and science, y' know?- but... sometimes I wonder if this will make me truly happy"

"Okay, (Y/N)" Hey, I've been doing "great" so far! I'm so proud! I bet I- "If you could compare your value as a person with an object, what would it be?" Oh no oh no oh no oh no OH NO!

"Trash?" I'm such a fucking idiot I can't-

"...why?" For the first time, she frowned slightly. I wasn't even thinking what the fuck

"Ah, well, because... I think I'm not good enough, you know?" Stop rambling, stop rambling! "I... just can't stop thinking about it. I want to know people love me- I want to FEEL people love me, but it's too hard. I don't love myself... and if I can't even do that, how can I love others? It's worthless; if I can't love myself nor make others feel loved, then what's the point? Just as garbage... I don't have a purpose here..."

She remained silent. 

She wasn't wearing a smile anymore.

She was sad. 

Frustrated. 

Disappointed. 

The look in her eyes, the "discrete" shock of finding out how I felt... it kinda reminded me of my mother...

And that just made it W O R S E. 

"I can't stop thinking about the words my mom have told me so many years ago" I continued rambling, not sure when I would stop. But that didn't matter; not anymore. I had too many things to say; so much pain inside... 

This was my only relief. 

My only escape.

"I just can't stop thinking if I made the right choice! I left my parents behind! I did! I ALWAYS did! Just like they did with me! Then why am I the one feeling bad?! Why am I the one dealing with the consequences?! Why?! WHY?! This isn't fair! THIS ISN'T FUCKING FAIR! I-! I..."

Like a fragile glass, I broke down. After a lot of time being on the edge of the table, I finally fell into the floor and shattered; small and useless feelings inside of me, creating a complete mess. Not sure if I should feel relieved or scared. Not sure if this was ever going to help. Not sure if this was ever going to end. 

The lady just remained silent. She took off her glasses and got up from her chair. I didn't watch any of her movements. The silence was overwhelming. The silence was powerful. And way too silent, that I got to hear every move of hers. Every sigh. Every breath. 

Even when my sobs and desperate cries filled the room, it still felt silent. As much as I hugged myself, I never felt comforted. I wanted to scream, to let all the pain out. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. I just... To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. ...want this... To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. ...to finally stop. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. Please... To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget. To forget.

"Hey..." She shushed, just like a mother would do with her baby. "It's okay to cry. It's okay to ask yourself these things. It's okay to question what have you done for others and, most importantly, for yourself" 

She, then, hugged me tightly. She held me in her arms, whispering soft words in a soothing voice. More tears fell, as I couldn't stop the new feelings invading me. I felt... different, yet the same. A familiar, happy, yet sad feeling. Emotions I recall but can't precisely remember at all. I held her tighter, not sure if I ever wanted to let go. 

All the times I have shown my vulnerabilities...

This is the most painful one. 

Also, I... I collapsed pretty quick... 

I'm becoming weaker each passing day. 

After calming down and turning the loud cries into sniffs, she left me and got back to her seat. Missing the warmness of her embrace, I hugged myself as much as I could. However, it felt way too different...

It just felt empty.

My embrace, my arms, my body heat...

It felt empty. 

It felt empty to me. 

And if it felt empty to me...

Others felt it like that?

As empty as I did?

"(Y/N), dear..." She spoke softly, yet it startled me. Too much noise in my head. It hurts a lot. "Don't be too harsh on yourself, alright? You need to start thinking... no. You need to start ACTING more positive. You need optimism. You need people. And, most importantly..."

Most importantly...?

"You need to leave the past behind" Just the same words Sans has told me some time ago. I can't quite recall when, but I know he did say so. "You need to stop hurting yourself"

"...And how can I do that...?" I felt a big knot in my stomach. I wasn't talking properly. I felt so hopeless yet hopeful. So happy yet sad. So relieved yet scared. 

I felt...

I was confused.

"Maybe your friendships can help, (Y/N)" She smiled sweetly as if she was talking to a child. But honestly, I was feeling like a kid at that time. "But I think that the main change is in you-"

"But how can I change if I am this way? How can I change if this is what I've known for, oh, so long?" Shut up, shut up! Just let her continue! "I cannot even identify my feelings! How am I supposed to help myself?! I don't even know why I am this way!"

SHUT UP!

"I'm just useless..."

Please...

"I don't have the courage- I can't do it! I'll fail, just like I have failed in everything!"

Just let the therapist do the talking...

I hugged myself again, leaving marks on my now uncovered arms. Tears, again, started to fell down my cheeks. Messy thoughts invaded my head. I couldn't stop thinking about my mistakes...

I couldn't stop thinking about the scars. 

Those damn, painful scars, that I did to my body years ago...

But it feels like I did them yesterday. 

It feels like yesterday when I was holding the kitchen knife, locked in the bathroom, crying quietly. 

Alone. 

Always alone. 

No one ever heard. 

And even if I felt grateful for that...

Now I don't. 

I just wish they knew. 

Then, maybe...

It wouldn't have come to this level...

Maybe...

"(Y/N)... I know you can do a good job" She smiled sweetly again. Her smile was shaking this time though. "You are not alone on this. You are not useless. I mean- look at how far you've gone! And you are so young! You have a bright future! You just need to keep going and finding support on people! You..."

She took a brief pause, taking a sip of her water bottle and letting out a shaky sigh. However...

She was still smiling. 

"This state of yours is not better than you" Her smile became more and more confident as more words came out of her mouth "This is a part of you; you are not a part of it. You need to learn to control it, and for that... I'll be here in every step of the way. And your friends will also be there for you..."

I removed my tears with my rolled-up sleeve, not sure what to believe. It's...

It's too hard to believe good things. 

Especially if life has shown the complete opposite. 

Bullying, fights, insults, violence, rapes...

M u r d e r s...

I've watched how the girls run away to their homes after getting out of school, in fear of getting kidnapped and probably raped. I've seen how many restaurants have fallen in despair as violence surrounded their area. I've heard cries. I've heard horror screams. I've heard people begging for someone, ANYONE, to help them...

But...

I've also heard laughs. 

Beautiful, non-psychotic, laughs.

Ironic comments. 

Cringy pick-up lines. 

Funny events. 

Bad jokes...

Bad puns...

People playing around, no one getting hurt...

People smiling.

People smiling AT ME. 

People full of HOPE. 

People filled with HOPE after something I DID. 

Am...

Am I that useless, after all?

If I'm able to make someone smile...

To make them laugh...

Am I not important?

How can that not be important?

I've been the reason why multiple people are getting their dreams to finally come true. I've been the reason why they have been a bit better.

I've been the reason they started to feel HOPE again...

I...

I just can't throw away my shot. 

"How... how do we start then?" My voice was still broken, but even I heard the determined tone on my words. I sure was determined to, at least, live for them. And for that to happen...

I need to be stronger, then. 

To help them out. 

To be the reason they smile. 

They laugh. 

They feel hope...

"Okay, (Y/N)..." She looked down at some papers, which I recognized them to be yesterday's tests. "I think Dr. Cooper's theory was correct"

"...correct?" Oh well. There goes my confidence. Thanks, doc. 

She let out a deep sigh and removed her glasses once again. Is it that bad...?

"According to what we have seen in your brain and how you react, (Y/N)..." Oh my God, just... just spit it out, goddamit-! "You probably have Asperger Syndrome..."

...

WHAT THE-

"Asperger Syndrome...? Isn't that a part of the au-"

"The autism spectrum, yes" She smiled sadly, then looked over the papers again. "(Y/N)... your behavior has a lot of similarities with this kind of people. You have problems at the time of socializing with others, often use to disagree with your generation's ideas, and you are an anxious girl. You are pretty capable of doing things you are good at- you've been pretty good at school all your life, for example. Things like logical thinking or some other skills are super developed in your case. However, your social skills just seem... off. At least, not how the average is. This, however, isn't necessarily something you decided. It's part of you"

I...

I have autism?

How I've never known this?

Why until know?

The thought of having it never seriously passed through my head, even...

Oh well...

Now I can make autism jokes without any apparent context!!!

...

God, this isn't something good, is it?

"And... which it's the treatment I'll have to follow, then?"

"Oh, dear (Y/N)" She handed me a prescription, with the same pills I used to have before... "All you need is therapy and to deal with your depression and anxiety as usual"

"Only... therapy?"

"We can even make some family therapies if you want me to" OH HELL NAW. 

"Eh... I think I'm better on my own. Talking about therapies, I mean"

"Okay" She stood up, and I did the same. Then, she took both my hands, hope filling her lively eyes "Are you ready to make the first step?"

Am I?

After everything that has happened, after every obstacle I've been through... am I able to make this decision? To help not others, but myself? 

I... I still can't believe I have autism. It's not something I hate, don't get me wrong. I... just never suspected I'd have things. From what I've heard, Asperger Syndrome becomes noticeable ever since childhood. Maybe my mother was too resilient to believe that. Or maybe she knew. Maybe she never wanted me to know. 

Maybe that's why she acted... differently to me ever since that day. Since that therapist date. 

However... she wasn't always bad. She left me, she told me how much of a disappointment I was, and insulted my father. She became the overwhelming dreams of my dad. The missing space on his bed. His daydreams. His fears. His hopes. His future...

Everything revolved around her. 

She was his everything. 

But, still, she left. 

Without regrets. 

Without visiting. 

Without trying to make amends. 

She became a horrible person. The worst of my fears. My nightmares. My hallucinations. My insomnia. My poor self-esteem...

But I still can't bring myself to hate her. 

Even if she made my whole world fall apart...

But she probably doesn't know that, or does she?

If she knew what happened with her previous family after she left...

Would she have returned? 

Tried to fix us?

Or would she still have left us alone?

...I'm living way too much on the past, aren't I? She is right; Sans is right...

Sans...

Broken tears, false smiles, and a hiding mask. 

Nightmares, fears, and beloved ones. 

Not wanting to let go- the need to have someone to understand him...

We are so similar...

We are so fucking similar that it is hella scary. 

I want to help HIM. 

I NEED to help HIM.

I NEED TO HELP ME!

I NEED THIS FREAKING HELP! 

"I am ready to start with this..." I whispered, smiling as I thought of a happier future. Of a happier life. "I'm ready to change, goddamit!"

"Very well" She smiled even brighter than at the beginning "Very well, indeed"

I headed out of the place, earphones on as I walked. People of all ages that, one way or another, are all able to get out of their problems... just as I can.

I know it. 

I can feel it!

...in my bones.

As I finally took a seat on the subway, I turned on my phone and checked it. 

Notifications from Sans.

Actually... it is not surprising anymore...?

[grounded] short skelly: yo

[grounded] short skelly: how ya been, snowflake?

[grounded] short skelly: i mean

[grounded] short skelly: how was work?

[grounded] short skelly: are you feelin' better than yesterday?

[grounded] short skelly: are u tired?

[grounded] short skelly: you should probably take a nap

[grounded] short skelly: you didnt sleep that much yesterday

[grounded] short skelly: wait

[grounded] short skelly: u had something to do today, right?

[grounded] short skelly: ohgodthatisprobablywhyyouarenotanswering

[grounded] short skelly: r/iamverysmart

[grounded] short skelly: also

[grounded] short skelly: im lonely

[grounded] short skelly: help me

[grounded] short skelly: i want to talk with someone :((((

[grounded] short skelly: but you are not available :(((  
~

...

...

Okay... 

Four things to say:

1\. Again, why did I put him that nickname? Even worse; why I UPGRADED his nickname? Is my sense of humor that stupid?

2\. Okay, he's "lonely". Although, probably Papyrus is with him. Also, he has a laptop, and he can watch whatever he wants there... why, out of all the things he can get done, decided to talk with me? ME, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

3\. Didn't he say he was going to be busy today? Is he already finished with college's inscription stuff...? Yeah- don't think so. 

4\. WHY IS HE ASKING ABOUT MY WELL-BEING?!?!?! THAT'S SO FUCKING SWEET I CAN'T- AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

...

I should answer him.

You: heya 

You: Why so desperate, bud?

[grounded] short skelly: ohthankgodyouarehere

[grounded] short skelly: actually

[grounded] short skelly: i just wanted to chat with you lol

You: huh

You: So how are you?

[grounded] short skelly: bored

[grounded] short skelly: ENTERTAIN ME

You: I'm a boring person

You: Nothing new to say

[grounded] short skelly: OK THEN

[grounded] short skelly: I'LL DO THE QUESTIONS

[grounded] short skelly: FIRST OF ALL!

[grounded] short skelly: what did you do today?

You: work

[grounded] short skelly: and...????

You: went to therapy

[grounded] short skelly: wait

[grounded] short skelly: really???

You: Yep

[grounded] short skelly: im so proud of you my child

[grounded] short skelly: how did you feel?

You: I'll be honest

You: I cried

[grounded] short skelly: ouch

You: But

You: It helped me figure out some things

You: And also

You: To give a logical explanation of why I'm like this

[grounded] short skelly: and that explanation is...???

You: Confidential lmao

[grounded] short skelly: shucks 

[grounded] short skelly: and i thought i'd never want to have a job as a fbi agent

[grounded] short skelly: but you'll see, (y/n)

[grounded] short skelly: I'LL KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU

[grounded] short skelly: HAHAHAHA

You: Please don't

[grounded] short skelly: YOUR BEGS WON'T STOP ME

You: This is for your own good

You: Believe me

You: You won't like knowing everything about me

[grounded] short skelly: oh jeez

[grounded] short skelly: its not like you have killed someone haha

You: That "haha" looked very suspicious...

[grounded] short skelly: forget it

[grounded] short skelly: but seriously

[grounded] short skelly: what things could you possibly have done???

[grounded] short skelly: you wouldn't even hurt a fly

You: Actually, yes

You: I hate flies

[grounded] short skelly: but that's normal

[grounded] short skelly: i guess

[grounded] short skelly: but it's not like you are going to tell me a horrifying story that happened when you were in jail

You: I know

You: It's still confidential tho

[grounded] short skelly: oh ok

[grounded] short skelly: then i guess i wont do it

[grounded] short skelly: besides

[grounded] short skelly: too much work

You: You give up quite easily

[grounded] short skelly: i get that a lot

[grounded] short skelly: but hey

[grounded] short skelly: why is it confidential???

You: It's not confidential lmao

You: I just think it's a matter that should not be discussed over a phone

You: But rather direct communication

[grounded] short skelly: youspeaktooformallywhatthefuck

[grounded] short skelly: but yeah

[grounded] short skelly: i should have guessed it was a sensitive topic

[grounded] short skelly: SO

[grounded] short skelly: what else have you done today???

You: nothing else

You: I just got out of there

[grounded] short skelly: oh ok

You: What have YOU done???

[grounded] short skelly: eh

[grounded] short skelly: went to college to get some stuff clear

[grounded] short skelly: and to present documents

You: Sounds like lots of fun

[grounded] short skelly: ikr

You: And how's your brother?

[grounded] short skelly: as energetic as usual

[grounded] short skelly: he's super excited to go to school

You: wow

You: How can someone have that much energy???

[grounded] short skelly: i dunno

[grounded] short skelly: it's like he got all the cheerfulness and energy inherited

[grounded] short skelly: me, on the other hand

[grounded] short skelly: got all the laziness and depression

You: Hey, take it this way

You: You complement each other

You: Everyone needs a bit of sadness in their lives

[grounded] short skelly: thats not making me feel better

You: lmao sorry

You: But now, being serious

You: I don't think Papyrus would be the same if you weren't there for him

You: You are his support

You: His greatest admirer

You: The one who taught him all the things he knows and

You: Most importantly

You: How to treat others

You: You can't be useless if you have been such a great brother and example to him

You: I really would have wished to have someone like you as a mentor

You: As a brother

You: Or even just as a friend when I was younger

You: After all

You: You ARE the one who made him like that

You: You should be proud of what you've done

You: Because I bet he is

You: And I am, too

[grounded] short skelly: im going to cry again

You: Please don't

[grounded] short skelly: gonna do it

You: NO

[grounded] short skelly: any minute now

You: Oh don't cry!

[grounded] short skelly: fuck you

[grounded] short skelly: i do what i want

You: iTS nOt a pHAsE mOm

[grounded] short skelly: i snorted

[grounded] short skelly: again

You: How do you even do that?

You: Wait

You: Shit

You: You idiot!

You: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIOHOHIOHGOREIHGE

[grounded] short skelly: what did i do this time???

You: Well

You: You basically didn't do anything wrong

You: I just missed my subway stop lol

You: And I'm angry >:(((

[grounded] short skelly: wait 

[grounded] short skelly: why the fuck are you chatting with me on the subway???

You: Why not?

[grounded] short skelly: you need to be careful

[grounded] short skelly: besides

[grounded] short skelly: you'll probably have to wait a shitton of time to get again to your stop

You: You are painfully right

[grounded] short skelly: ok,

[grounded] short skelly: you know what???

[grounded] short skelly: go to the "Jefferson" stop

[grounded] short skelly: i'll pick ya up there

You: Why would you even do that?

[grounded] short skelly: 1) im bored

[grounded] short skelly: 2) i dont want you to go through the same stops again

[grounded] short skelly: 3) i dunno. i guess i kinda want to talk with you

You: That's fair

[grounded] short skelly: also

[grounded] short skelly: papyrus wants to see you

[grounded] short skelly: so yeah

[grounded] short skelly: you are officially obligated to go to our house

You: that's the kindest kidnapping act I've ever heard

[grounded] short skelly: ok,

[grounded] short skelly: enough talking

[grounded] short skelly: get in the bag

You: I laughed like an idiot at this

You: Like an idiot, Sans

You: On a public place

[grounded] short skelly: you are welcome

You: Make them stop staring at me lol

[grounded] short skelly: i guess i'll have to save ya then

You: Please do

You: Besides

You: You got me on this situation in the first place

You: hey wait

You: I'm already on the stop lol

[grounded] short skelly: oh gosh 

[grounded] short skelly: can't a guy have a snack break???

You: If you really wanted a snack you'd have taken it before!

[grounded] short skelly: ok ok

[grounded] short skelly: go to the subway's crappy café

[grounded] short skelly: you'll find me there

You: line or table?

[grounded] short skelly: table on the corner

You: And you call me anti-social

[grounded] short skelly: tsk

[grounded] short skelly: rude  
~

Following the skeleton's instructions, I got to that café I've gone to a lot of times. Either out of work or when I visit the skelebros, it's a pretty nice place to make some extra time. However, I must agree with Sans at something- the café itself SUCKS. I mean, at least the coffee does (which it's the primordial thing on a café so yeah), but sometimes the service is also quite bitchy. I wonder, though- how many times has Sans been there to already know? Or did he got treated badly in there because he's a monster?

...

I'll probably kick some asses if that last option, indeed, happened. 

Waving away that thought, I walked into the café and quickly noticed a quirky skeleton watching random Youtube videos while drinking his coffee. 

He's such a dork.

When I got a bit closer, though, I noticed that...

He actually had two cups of coffee.

"heya" He grinned widely when he spotted me, turning off his cellphone. "mind to stay here for a while?"

"Uh... no" Didn't he want to go home...? "I don't mind at all"

"noice" He took a sip of his cup and, at the same time, handed me the other one "want it? it's still hot, don't worry"

Aww, so he bought me coffee???

How to say no to coffee?

"Thank you..." I smiled and took a sip of mine as well. Not before adding a comment, though. "It means a latte"

He almost spat out his coffee...

Worth it. 

"wow" He chuckled, slowly regaining composture "i guess i didnt expect a pun this time"

"How would YOU not expect a pun?" I laughed, drinking again. God, it tasted so bitter... but I was up for that kind of flavor, so it wasn't as bad as I expected "So... why you wanted to stay here?"

"what you mean? can't share a break with a friend?" I'm not buying that, Sans. 

"...you know exactly what I mean"

"uh... for no reason, buddy. just wanted to, you know, take a break" His smiled faltered a bit, I noticed. However, it remained still. That damn skeleton. 

"C' mon, Sans..." How to get answers...? "If there's anything bothering you, you can tell me. We've talked about this before..."

"i... shit, i know, it's just..."

"...Sans..."

"ok ok, just..."

He sighed, then looked away from my gaze. That's weird for him, as he doesn't tend to break away visual contact...

"just stop staring at me like that..."

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

So I was stupid enough to forget about the hour and, when I got to the café, I somehow realized what time of the day it was. 

I...

I just hate being at home at that hour, ok?

And I don't think (Y/N) would be happy there, either. 

So I came up with the masterplan to don't embarrass myself and keep her on the café instead. 

It... didn't work out, though. 

Her expression... it was so full of worry and kind of guilt that I couldn't stand it anymore. I've noticed I'm weaker around this girl than with a lot of people. Mostly like how weak I am around Papy. 

I wonder why.

I haven't known her for that long yet, after all.

Only like four or five months...

"so, uh..."

"Hmm?" Jeez girl, gimme a break. 

"...gaster returns home at this hour" I sighed out in defeat. "i know it's stupid to run away from home every time he goes back, but... if i've learned something from him, it's not to mess around when he just arrived from work. and, you know, me being the sassy prick i am..."

"Oh... so he gets even MORE irritable?"

"finally someone understands!" Wait a- "how did you know, though?"

"He... works with me, actually" ...

...

WHAT?!?!

"what do you mean he works with you?"

"Exactly what I said" 

"but how?!"

"That's what I also ask myself"

"so you work on 'chemistry for people'?!"

"Yeah"

"which department?!"

"Department A"

"so you also work in his department?!"

"Unfortunately"

I was probably having quite an attack, as she told me she would go for more coffee. Two different people at the same job... how an asshole like him could possibly be at her level? She has studied here at the Surface, she has a lot of knowledge, WAY more attitude than him, and more prepared for possible outcomes. Is that place that FUCKING DESPERATE?!?!

"Eh, Sans?" She said as she arrived, putting the two cups on the table. "Are you alright? Please don't take it too seriously. Gaster, I must admit, knows a lot of science... but he is an annoying man. Only watching things from the logical side and not the moral side... I still don't understand how he got accepted"

"i still don't understand why he is still alive" I muttered. 

"Sans..." 

"hey, he is an asshole!" I defended my point, avoiding her gaze again... she is intimidating when she proposes to, ok? "he surely doesn't deserve to be on the same work spot as you!"

"Hey, calm down" She handed me over my cup, and we both took a sip of ours. "What about if we go for a walk? You need to calm down first, so you won't commit any mistakes at your home, ok?"

"a walk sounds nice... but i don't understand why i have to return to that place, anyway"

"Sans"

"(Y/N)"

"Don't be like that" Ouch "You just need to relax, ok? I know you don't like your father very much, but you just can't let him get the best of you"

"...you know what? let's go for that walk" 

"Okay then. I know a park near here" Perfect

"i'll follow ya"

And so it went. Walking through a crowded city, talking about random topics... it's easy to get lost in conversation with this girl. She is nice to talk with, and she is understanding. But, I wonder... how has she taken up the strength to continue smiling? I bet she's been through a lot. Wish I knew how to help her, taking into consideration how much she has helped me. I appreciate her a lot, and I'm... worried. Worried that she may not be in a happy place right now. Worried that she may not be good on her own. Worried that she may need someone...

As we continued talking, we somehow ended up talking about therapists and how messed up mental help institutes were (what an interesting topic of conversation, right?)

"so the hospital i went in was called 'ptsd'" I sighed dramatically, still disappointed of such name "it was fucking called 'ptsd', (y/n)"

"You kidding" She had the same face of disgust I had

"i wish i was"

"Who the hell thinks of these names?!" She laughed it off, and I did as well. There's no point in crying about it, right?

...

Right. 

"so... how did your session went?" Nice move, Sans. Nice move. 

"Huh?" 

"i mean..." I screwed up, didn't I? "what did you find out? why do you think it's going to be ok since now on? what answers did they give you?"

She remained silent. Fuck. But it's not like I can erase what I just said. 

"I..." I made her feel bad, right? I don't deserve her friendship- "I have finally found explanations to my mental state, Sans. Now I know... Now I know why I am like this, and God, you don't know how much hope that gives me"

Wait, she doesn't-

sheistoonicewtf

"really? then why are you 'like this'?"

"Okay, so..." She looked anxiously at our surroundings, checking up if there wasn't anyone around. She stopped on her tracks "I have this mental thing called... Asperger Syndrome"

"asperger syndrome?" 

"Yeah..."

"pardon me, but what is that...?" Why are there so many differences yet similarities between us? I just wish I could understand her more... "it's hard to know since, well, i'm a skeleton. i literally have no brain, so... yeah"

"Eh, don't sweat it" How does she keep laughing it off? "I bet lots of people don't know about it, either. It's a, uh... it's part of the... autism spectrum?"

...

"are you serious?"

"I'm totally serious, Sans" I noticed the anxiety in her voice. Oh God, I'm such an asshole. 

"bet it's highly functional"

"Yep"

"huh. so it's kind of a, uh, autism that only affects the socializing skills?"

"...How can you figure out things so fast?"

"dunno"

"But yeah, that's mostly it. Odd behavior, not a lot of friends, anxiety and/or depression... technically all I am"

"so that means that your iq is due by this syndrome?"

"Ok, you are scaring me" She smirked, looking at me with slight... amusement. "But yep, you are right, bud. Someone perfectly normal, with predominant capacities and skills over some matters like everyone, but that sucks at saying 'hello' to someone"

"i see... what will be your treatment to get better on that aspect?"

"Mere therapy" She sighed. Therapy just isn't for us, huh? "Also the medicines I used to take before. For insomnia, depression, and anxiety, you know?"

"so you'll be on the same spot as before, but with more therapy?"

"Exactly" Her eyes, then, got lost on our surroundings. It was a calm day, to be honest. No children screaming, no entrepreneurs visible... a nice day, overall. The city wasn't that crowded, surprisingly. It was Thursday, after all- not a weekend... 

In only a matter of minutes, we arrived at the park (Y/N) told me about. It was small, but there were only a few people on it, so it felt relaxing. An odd, but kinda comfortable silence... 

"So how have you been these days, Sans?" Why you must ask this? WHY?!?!

...

I guess you are only trying to be nice. 

Or to show you care...

"eh, as usual" I shrugged. She's not buying that, is she?

"What kind of 'usual' do you mean?" Knew it. 

Gimme a break, Snowflake. 

"heh... i guess it was kinda tense" I grinned. She didn't. Fuck. 

She sighed sadly, as if she was the one living in my house instead of me. Why is she so empathetic? I...

I want to understand her motives. 

Her MOTIVATIONS. 

I...

I just want to know what keeps her moving forward... 

"You know you can't keep living like this, right?" She continued, looking at me. "It's going to get on your nerves one of these days"

"but what can be done about it?" I smiled sadly, gaining the courage to finally look into her eyes. Her gaze, how much she expresses her feelings in those goddamn eyes... it scares me. But also, kind of interests me as well. It's... a good type of weird? I don't know how to say it. 

"Either you kick their asses out of the house or learn how to cope with them" As simple as that...

"and what would you do?" She seemed to have frozen for a bit but continued walking. We remained in silence until, subconsciously, we sat on a bench. 

Silence. Ah, overwhelming silence. How to answer questions you've never asked yourself before? 

What would she do in my place?

This will be interesting to know-

"I guess I would... make them go away?" She was thinking too much over the question... "Being in your place, knowing that I could still maintain my brother on my own, and that life would be pretty similar to what it always has been... I don't see the point on having them with you"

FINALLY!

SOMEONE FUCKING UNDERSTA-

"However..." Oh, c' mon! Let me win for once! "if they are, indeed, trying to forget the past and start a new life with you on it... maybe you should try the same"

"but-"

"Besides, isn't this what Papyrus wants? To be with his parents, at least for a few years?"

...

Oh damn. 

Thinking about it, my brother has always hoped to spend more time with our parents; ever since he was a little kid (and realized I'm not his dad, heh). He was so excited about the idea of finally living with them, and... 

Am I about to tear that away from him?

Besides, he may need someone to protect him while I'm out on college, or when I (hopefully) get a job. 

Now, Gaster is not seriously trying to have a better relationship, is he? Because if he is, he sucks at it! That old man has not treated any of us any differently... so why he keeps living with us? To be near his sons? Or to not FUCKING PAY RENT? 

Ah, this is giving me a headache. 

Arial... I think she has never meant to be rude, you know? Her personality may be kind and... empathetic, but she is also pretty much stubborn. She left us with the mere purpose of continue doing what she loved. Now, I have sensed the regret on her eyesockets anytime she looks at (Y/N)... she may be jealous of her; not having any kids and working "freely". But I still don't get it; she's living in her imaginary world, thinking of what she could have done better. Is she doing anything, though? Nope, I don't think so. She leaves for most of the day, frustrates when it comes to doing any kind of chore, and... she just locks herself in her room. 

Does she really think I haven't noticed? 

I'm not that dumb, mom. 

"...i guess you are right..."

"Look; I know it's not easy to forgive your parents. I haven't done it, either. But, if you are living with them... you should try to at least tolerate them, instead of falling into their game. Or well, mostly Gaster's game..."

"yeah; and i don't think paps would be happy with me always skipping dinner..."

"That's another point... you must know that your brother is more observant than you think"

Ah, the pain of watching him grow. He is innocent, yes, but not as a five-year-old kid. He knows my mental problems (or well, a general idea), he has been noticing more frequently when I am lying, and he perfectly identifies when I get bothered by my parent's interference or mere presence. 

He knows a lot. He truly is smart...

I just sometimes wished he wasn't THAT much...

"so you think i should return home?"

"Absolutely"

"and you will stay for a while, or..."

"...I may not stay that much, but I can visit" Yes. 

"ah, thank god" I whispered, but obviously she heard. She giggled softly, then stood up. 

"Shortcut?"

"shortcut"

And as soon as we said that, we teleported. 

Only to be received by an angry Papyrus. 

"SANS! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?!" He then noticed (Y/N), then exclaimed again. "AND WHY YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THE TALLER HUMAN WOULD COME TO VISIT?!"

"sorry, bro" I shrugged, giving him my characteristic smile "i kinda forgot to tell ya"

"Hey Paps" (Y/N) greeted him, speaking softly "What are you doing?"

"AH! HUMAN!" Heh, he looks ashamed... "I, UH... I'M MAKING DINNER! WOULD YOU WANT TO STAY?"

"Well, I can stay for a while... as much as I don't bother"

"NONSENSE! YOU ARE ONE OF THE GREATEST GUESTS THIS HOUSE CAN RECEIVE!" And then he glanced at me "SO BROTHER! MAKE SURE SHE FEELS AT HOME WHILE THE FOOD IS PERFECTLY COOKED!"

"gotcha"

"AND DON'T THINK ABOUT MAKING YOUR WEIRD TIME-SPACE SHENANIGANS ON HER!"

"ok"

"ALSO, PLEASE... DON'T YOU DARE FALL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH! I CANNOT ALLOW THAT KIND OF EMBARRASSMENT IN FRONT OF A GUEST (THAT IS ALSO OUR AMBASSADOR, SANS!)"

"ok, anything else?"

He looked at me, then almost instantly looked away.

"...NO PUNS"

"but paps-"

"N O P U N S"

"You know I don't mind puns, right?" (Y/N) smiled, somehow trying to convince him. 

"THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I WON'T ALLOW THEM EITHER" 

"Really?"

"YES!" He was even more irritated than before, I noticed. "OR ELSE YOU'LL START A JOKE WAR WITH MY BROTHER! AND THAT'S INCREDIBLY CHILDISH COMING FROM YOU, HUMAN!"

"Ouch" Ouch, indeed.

"WHY DID YOU SAY 'OUCH', HUMAN?"

"Nothing, nothing..." She smiled playfully, gaining a suspicious (but not long) glance from my bro. "So no puns"

"EXACTLY!"

"Got it"

Gaster was sitting on the couch, watching the news. Arial was in the kitchen, trying to help Papyrus but, from what I was hearing, my brother was doing almost everything. 

What did I do with (Y/N), then?

Eh...

We tried to reason with Gaster so we could obtain the TV. 

"You've got to be kidding me..." He muttered, annoyed as he could ever be. 

"We are not kidding, Dr. Gaster" She spoke in a fancy and ridiculous tone, almost making me lose composure. "We are offering you to make a peaceful deal with us over the wonderful device we have in front of us"

I smirked and he sighed, taking off his glasses. 

"And what offer would it be, miss?" heistalkingthesamewaysheiswhatthefuck

"it's quite simple, actually" I talked this time, following the plan we both made. "if you let us take control over this stunning device full of entertainment, we will let you grab a controller"

"A controller?"

"A videogame controller" (Y/N) corrected him, somehow not losing her shit about this stupid nonsense. 

"So you ARE telling me that you want to take over the TV only to play some STUPID VIDEOGAME?!"

"you see, dr. gaster" This is definitely going to go wrong. "we are, indeed, offering you the ability to being part of our plans and play a wonderful videogame with us"

"But," We are going to die, oh no. "if you want to do it the hard way, there shall be a war over the entertainment device"

"Stop calling the TV like that!" He burst out, although his anger seemed more... playful than usual? "And if you want it so badly, you may at least tell me which videogame you are planning to play"

"we are going to play, uh..." Oh, aren't we screwed? We are never going to have the TV...

This is so sad...

aLExA pLAy dESpAciTo- (lol jk. that's a dead meme)

"The Sims" WHAT THE- "We are going to play the fucking Sims"

"And why would I want to play The Sims?!" I don't blame him... who would want to play the fucking Sims?!

"Because this videogame is a clear example of how easy it is to control people's actions if you give them what they want, a point of view that us, intellectuals, totally understand and want to show to the rest of the society"

...

Oh gosh

thisgirlisacompletedork 

I couldn't contain the laughter anymore and burst out into laughing fits. As much as (Y/N) was being a five-stars actress, she also burst out in laughter. What surprised me, though...

Its that Gaster laughed as well... 

HE.

FUCKING.

LAUGHED. 

He laughed so wholeheartedly he couldn't possibly have done it out of pity. I glanced at the girl, who just shrugged, being as amazed as I was. 

I don't think I've ever heard him laugh that hard...

"It wasn't even THAT funny" (Y/N) giggled, not keeping her eyes away from him. 

"I am sorry, it's just... I was caught off-guard, okay?" Well, that didn't last long...

But progress is progress, right?

"So you accept the offer, or..." Jesus Christ, (Y/N). 

"...Eh, I was, uh, b-bored anyway" Are you fucking kidding me?

"so you are, uh, technically accepting to play to the sims with us? (that, by the way, wasn't even part of the plan?)"

"Uh..."

"Fuck it! Let's play!" And as fast as light, (Y/N) turned on the old Xbox and put "The Sims" disc on it... she is quite determined over the silly things. "Let's do this as weird as we can! Gaster, what do you suggest?!"

Actually... 

I think she is in a really good mood...

She deserves it. 

She deserves to be this happy...

And I'm not complaining over this dorky side of her, either. 

"Uh... someone marrying their cousin?" DUDE-

"pfft-"

"What the fuck, Gaster" 

"sweet home alabama~"

(Y/N) laughed A LOT. She was having the time of her life, putting "Sweet Home Alabama" six times in a row while she created the characters. 

"Do you think I should give him a hamburger T-shirt?"

"I think the donut one looks better..."

"and let's give the girl a banana t-shirt, ifyouknowwhatimean"

"Pfft- ok! I'll do that!"

So guess what? We spent the next three hours playing The Sims, actually getting the cousins married... somehow. 

We also made them have children, which were emos and suckers for MCR. (Y/N) named the kids, which I think was the worst thing we could have let happen. 

So, portray this: The older one is called "Sanspai" (yes, she used a pun with my name. She said the Sim looked like a Japanese version of me... somehow), the other one is called "Hentai", and the baby was named "Creampie". If this isn't immaturity, I don't know what it is... but hey, I'm not complaining. I adore this girl more than before after that, anyway. 

And I think Gaster also appreciates her more. 

He laughed a lot and offered a lot of stupid ideas, such as making someone a furry lover. 

What still torments me, though...

How the fuck did he know what a furry is?

I JUST HOPE HE ISN'T ONE WHAT THE FUCK

THAT WOULD BE...

Extremely awkward. 

Considering he's married. 

To a skeleton. 

That has no fur. 

...

WHAT IF HE HAS A CRUSH ON ASGORE?!?!

...I should calm down. 

"Hey, Gaster" This dorky girl shouted since he was in the kitchen at that moment. "Can I put you on my contacts as 'GasterUWU'?"

And a loud crash was heard...

"FATHER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Papyrus exclaimed, horrified. "YOU BROKE THAT MUG YOU LIKE A LOT!" Oh gosh...

(Y/N) laughed, but rushed to the kitchen to help with the mess (that she caused, by the way). Since I didn't want to be alone, I went to the place as well, where my mother was in utter shock. 

"Uh..." She stared at Gaster and (Y/N), who both were laughing while cleaning up. "Well, who's hungry?!"

"pfft- i am" I smirked. Her face is so fucking priceless. 

Everyone agreed to finally start eating, my bro enthusiastically setting the table. The conversation was, uh... indescribable, to say the least. Gaster was, weirdly enough, rambling of the game we were playing, and how we could make it a thousand times better. 

Huh...

And I thought I was the immature one in this house. 

Papyrus was confused over our lives' decisions, and Arial was, well, terrified. 

"Why did you make two cousins MARRY?!"

"It's Alabama" 

"What is that supposed to mean, (Y/N)?!"

The food was, well, as always. But Arial bought a cake, so it was a great night. 

Unfortunately, it had to end. 

"I think I have spent more time here than I expected..." The quirky girl I invited said, worriedly looking over her phone's watch.

"i'll give ya a ride" I offered, watching the hour as well...

1 fucking am...

Wow.

"You don't have to-"

"and leave you alone in the subway? nonsense"

"...Well, you are not wrong, but-"

"but nothing"

"Okay dad, geez" She grabbed her things and grabbed my arm, as she always does when we teleport. 

"i can-"

"If you say a dirty joke I'll end you"

"aww... you're no fun!"

After saying goodbyes, I teleported outside her apartment. 

"so we'll meet tomorrow, right?" She looked at me in confusion, then jumped out in realization. 

"You are right! Tomorrow's the meeting!" She exclaimed, typing something down on her phone. "...Not like I forgot or anything, haha"

"insert facepalm here"

"We are not chatting, you dork"

"i do what i want. fite me"

"Sure..."

"welp. gotta go"

"See you tomorrow. Have a good night!" 

"same, snowflake. take care of yourself"

"You too... please"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

As soon as Sans left, I did my nightly ritual and laid on my bed. I hugged my pillow and stared at the ceiling, mind without any clear thoughts. 

It is amazing how people, indeed, can change their personalities depending on the others who are present. I have never seen Gaster so... hyped about something. And less if it's something so silly. Hell, even Sans looked impressed! It's interesting how quirky this old man could be...

Also...

I may have the suspicion he is a furry...

BUT! OVERALL! It was a great night. I don't know what drugs Gaster consumed, but I hope he takes them the next time I see him...

Which it's tomorrow. 

I'm a bit nervous about this meeting where we'll have to discuss several things. Either things will heat up or we won't come to a reasonable conclusion. Thank God it is a Friday, as I don't work on Saturdays and can stay as late as required. I hope that, well... they can understand that some of their dreams won't be able to be done any time soon. It is too much work, and, besides, only the municipal president accepted monsters. Now, other cities? The rest of the world? I don't know... I'll have to get into new legal stuff for that. 

But I think it's worth it. 

However...

I need time. 

Not only for that to be done, but also for myself. 

I know it may sound selfish, but this is the first time in years I've been confident I'll make it through. I want to upgrade my mental health to a decent state, so that way, I can have a more clear and professional perspective. 

I want to learn who I am and, that way, learn who others are. I want them to see the best version of me, which I have left behind so many times I can't count it. 

Maybe this is it. Maybe this time I'll finally find what I want to do with my life. 

Maybe dreams do come true...

Life can't be that bad...

Right?


	28. Walking the wire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All shit goes down, and life is as horrible as you thought.

*Frisk's POV*

I wish I could reset. 

I don't want to go back to school. 

I don't want to deal with middle school.

I don't want to see everyone getting away from me. 

I want them here. 

I want them near.

Even if they don't want to.

Sans would get mad, yes, but since when I cared? I still want them here with me; I even want HIM near. He is a pun lover and a huge dork. He is great overall, although a bit lazy. He would be better if he couldn't remember, though. Because now that he does, he hates me with all his SOUL. I want to go back to those times where he was oblivious to the truth- to my truth. I would be able to study him more if that was the case...

But he remembers. 

And that sucks. 

However...

I bet even he wants a reset right now. 

<>

As soon as the commercial break started, we turned off the TV. 

There were two issues we were more worried about:

1\. How is this going to affect the future? How can we assure we won't live afraid? There's no guarantee!

2\. (Y/N)'s safety. There's a high probability that people like the shooters will try to hunt her down, giving her the pain that any popular activist probably gets to endure. 

We were supposed to have an important meeting around 5 pm, but now (Y/N)'s too busy writing down a lot of reports, sending lots of funds, and maybe, visiting the hospital. That's pretty brave of her, but... 

She'll get injured. 

I can feel it. 

"Oh my God, where the hell is (Y/N)?!" Undyne exclaimed as anxious as her girlfriend was. "If something happens to that punk, I swear to God-"

"she is probably at ebott hospital by now, according to how quickly she is taking action" He is panicking. "maybe we should go there and check-"

"You all are just being a couple of idiots!"What the fuck, Flowey. "She is fine, and she'll be fine! You are worrying too fucking much!"

"What if she has been kidnapped?" Toriel started, and we all knew it wasn't good. "What if she's been tortured? Oh my God. She can even be dying right now!"

"Tori, calm down-"

"DO NOT 'TORI' ME, ASGORE!" Oh shit.

We were left in a way too awkward silence. Dr. Gaster was annoyed by the immature behavior all of us were showing. Surprisingly, Sans was the calmest and the most rational member of the group at that moment. He, having enough magical energy, decided to go and check on her, teleporting as soon as he stated that. He left all of us in the house, and honestly, I think that's the best thing he could have done. 

Maybe she is already gone. 

Maybe Sans will be gone, too. 

And if that happens...

How am I going to return to the happy times, now that I don't have the power to do so?

How am I going to revert the damage?

How?

(Y/N)'s selflessness makes her be quite an interesting person. She is clever. Very clever, indeed. However, she is generally weak. Too humble, nice, and anxious. I wonder how she has not been eaten alive yet. Hell, she could even be stabbed by a jerk and think it was her fault. I guess she doesn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but... 

Sometimes, it has to be done.

I'm glad she took the courage to stand up and take action after this horrible situation. The way she wrote that letter was stunning as well. But how long will she be able to keep up with this? How long will it take to discourage her? Years? Months? Tomorrow?

...

Why don't I test it out?

How bad could it possibly be?

It's not like I'm doing the Genocide run again. 

Maybe Sans will be bothered by my curiosity. 

Maybe I will have a bad time. 

But, at this point, does that still matter?

I've pushed the "reset" button more than forty times in the past, and I've never been able to defeat him...

He must be tired. 

And, therefore, he will let me be. It's not like he cares that much about (Y/N), anyway. 

"hey, everyone, she is fine" Holy-

"BROTHER! NEXT TIME YOU TELEPORT AT LEAST SAY SOMETHING!"

"Technically, he just did" (Y/N) was standing beside Sans with a small smile. She seemed to be okay: no signs of blood or scars on her body. Sans, as well, seemed to be alright. Guess he is pretty good at his job, huh?

"Oh my goodness!" Toriel rushed to give her a warm hug "We were really worried about you!"

"Ah, eh- wait, really?" She is way too humble... 

So humble... 

That it is kinda suspicious. 

I shared a look with Flowey and he seemed to be thinking the same thing. Only Papyrus is genuinely kind, but... he is aware of how valuable he is as an individual. On the other hand, she isn't. She is the complete opposite of narcissistic. Is she depressed? Or is it just low self-esteem? Her attitude, more than anyone, is similar to Napstablook's... but he is a monster. And (Y/N) is a human; a young adult who knows all the horrible things the Surface could possibly give us. And yet, she is kind. 

That doesn't make any sense. 

"W-what were you doing in there?" Alphys asked, but... isn't it obvious what (Y/N) was doing? 

"I was, uh, trying to calm everyone down... it's not like it worked, though" She sighed and accepted Sans's silent offer to take a seat next to him. "But letting that aside... we should really start the meeting right now"

"In the middle of this crisis?! Are you insane?!" Undyne blurted, her knuckles turning a very light blue. "This is not the right time!"

"If we don't do it right now, I'm afraid it will be too late" (Y/N) remarked.

"(Y/N) is right, everyone" Asgore interfered "We need to continue thinking about the future as long as we have the chance. We cannot back down now"

"Ugh... so what are we going to discuss first?" Undyne sighed, giving in to a very long chat with about a lot of things.

"I need anything you have in your minds right now. After that, I will see what I can contribute to your ideals, and-"

"Well, I was thinking about making a school..." Toriel smiled, her excitement interrupting the ambassador. However, she didn't seem to mind. "A school where monsters and humans can study in peace, respecting each other. And an exceptional academic level, of course"

"Sounds interesting" (Y/N) is taking notes... "What level would the school be?"

"I would like to start with Elementary... then add Middle school and High school over time"

"Okay; who do you think would be more fit for the principal's role?"

"I think I'm good enough for being a principal, dear"

"And you also are aspiring to become a teacher?"

"I... I want to, but... I don't know if it is a good idea"

"Certainly, it may not be that great of an idea at the beginning; it may not only get you in trouble, but it could also become overwhelming over time".

For some reason, I stopped listening to them debating whether the project was good or not. I became worried about being forced to study at my mother's school. I don't want to be limited... I want to be able to choose my future. But, at the same time, I would like to see Monster Kid again... he is one of my best friends...

Less predictable than everyone else, at least.

If Toriel creates the school, though, it is most likely that he will be studying there...

Everyone started to ramble... everyone except Sans. He said that, as long as his brother was happy, he was okay. After saying such an inspirational thing, he proceeded to fall asleep and rest his head on Papyrus's shoulder. 

After discussing for quite a long time, our dear ambassador had all her poor notebook filled up with notes. She had a patient smile, but something was bothering her deeply. Probably it was the incident of earlier, which it's more than acceptable; who wouldn't be frustrated about it?

...

She didn't look specifically bothered by it, though. 

"But, for now, I think that every young monster should be at a school provided by the human society, as this project will require some time..." (Y/N) concluded and looked at Papyrus "By the way, how is school-hunting going?"

"PRETTY GOOD, HUMAN!" He made a proud pose "I BET THIS SCHOOL THAT SANS GOT WILL BE ESPECTACULAR! HE, AFTER ALL, IS SMART WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE IT!"

Everyone relaxed for a while after hearing a happy statement at least everything settled...

Everyone except (Y/N). 

She was looking fondly into her notebook and some spare documents she brought with her. There were a lot of numbers and text... it is surprising how, though, she was able to write such a lot of information instantly. I wish I had that skill; maybe that way I would have better grades.

I stared at her notes and tried to figure out what all those keywords could possibly mean. 

Maybe I can get to know her better.

Maybe triggering her could be an interesting option...

Maybe- 

"Where is Arial?" She suddenly asked, making me jump away. "I have not seen her all evening"

"SHE IS AT HOME, HU- (Y/N)!" Papyrus stopped himself from calling her 'human'... that's progress. "SHE SAID THAT SHE HAD NOTHING TO APPORT, SO SHE DECIDED NOT TO COME..."

Wait, really?

That's stupid... even for her.

"...Why would she think that?" (Y/N)'s volume dropped.

"I DON'T KNOW; SHE'S BEEN QUITE 'BLUE' LATELY..." He made a short pause, then reluctantly continued. "ALTHOUGH I THINK SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS! WHICH IT'S... WEIRD"

...

"HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS"?

That may explain Sans's odd behavior; parents that had/have depression are most likely to make their kids have the same illness. And according to Sans's stats, eyebags, apathy, and pessimism... he may have inherited that condition. Or maybe it was due to the resets, but I truly don't think so- after all, he was like this before that stuff happened, according to Flowey, Papyrus, and the first timeline. 

I know him way more than I thought I would: he likes to read, enjoys classic rock music, sings pretty damn well, has alcohol issues, thinks everything is meaningless, was pretty damn positive in his childhood... and so many more things of the same caliber. He is interesting; that's why I also find (Y/N) to be interesting, as they are quite similar in likings, sense of humor, and behavior. 

Well...

(Y/N) is like an odd combination of Sans, Napstablook, and Alphys...

And maybe a bit of Papyrus. 

Who knows?

She is truly an unpredictable character.

She is... 

something else. 

I want to study her as well...

I want to know her!

If I still had my ability to reset, it would be way easier to get the information that I want.

But, for the time being...

I just can wish for her to stop being so reserved...

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

*Your POV* 

Between Toriel's arguments with Asgore and Napstablook's poor self-confidence, I found myself in the middle of an existential crisis.

I mean, monsters are free, yes, but was it worth it? Hundreds are suffering over their loved ones, cherishing those old memories they once shared. If they had stayed Underground, however...

They would still have their friends... 

Their families...

Talking about families, the Serif family (aka the skeletons) has been bothering me quite lately. Not precisely in a bad way, but in a, indeed, questionable way.

In particular, Arial has been my main preoccupation today.

According to what Papyrus said, it's common for Arial to be "blue". With this evidence and the fact she didn't come to this meeting, it can be said she's also a bit... apathetic...

Which it's exactly what Sans is. 

Apathetic. 

Maybe checking up both of their stats could bring out answers; thanks to the deep reading I've done about monsters and the composition of souls, I now know that HP stands out for "HoPe", LV for "Level of Violence", and EXP for "Execution Points". Knowing this, and what causes these stats to increase or decrease, monsters' psychology may be easier than I first thought. The challenge will be to get to know the stats of these skeletons, as they are both very closed people. 

Until I find a solution for that, I must keep reading about the subject.

And also stay in the Lab up to midnight or later. 

I've made the stupid decision to, after getting my quantum physics degree, start to study psychology. 

Yeah, I know; a pretty stupid way to waste my money.

But, seeing it from another perspective...

Magic types depend on soul traits. 

Soul traits depend on emotions. 

Emotions depend on the mind. 

And the mind is precisely what has been fucking up Sans. 

If, for example, Sans's stats are low (either attack, defense, or HP), it may be because his actual mental condition is limiting his true potential, therefore making him weaker and easier to... hurt. 

And, if my hypothesis is true, then maybe psychological sessions involving magic could help him to raise those stats and to get out of that horrible place he is currently in. 

That would also deny the theory of "stats remain still ", which I read recently but quickly disagreed with it. 

And oh boy.

Wouldn't that be something?

If this turns out to be positive, it would be exciting and overwhelming at the same time. To know that Sans's stats may be low by his condition or vice versa it's not an easy-to-digest fact. But I think that it has to be done in order to help him out.

I do not only want their freedom- I also want their happiness. 

And if there is someone that should get it ASAP, is Sans. 

Now, don't get me wrong; I cherish everyone with an equal passion. But I know that Sans may be the unhappiest of my friends, therefore... I want him to get out of there first before anything happens. Alphys and Napstablook are the next in my book- I know they are really insecure and probably have the same problems as my skelebuddy. 

However, Sans is losing the strength to sustain his brother.

It's easy to notice that. 

It's important for him to be alright in order to bring Papyrus a healthy future. And also for himself, of course, as he is a young adult with a lot of future ahead, even if he can't see that most of the time. If he recovers that dorky passion he casually shows, he'll get far.

It'll be hard to do, but not impossible.

I don't think all those motivational stories of people recovering from depression are a lie. 

Sans's case may not be that easy, as he bottles up his feelings as an act of self-defense. It's simply his nature, and I can't change that. It's not like I want to, anyway. Whenever he feels at edge he will prefer to silently cry rather than tell someone about the issue. I can't blame him since I do the same- the thing is that Sans has a family... and I, well...

They are not here with me anymore. 

I haven't talked to them in years...

It's quite depressing when you think fondly on that...

But that's how it is. 

Returning my brain to the meeting, well... it ended really fast. There wasn't that much to discuss, but I still decided to stay a little longer...

I d0n'T wANt t0 b3 al0n3 t0dAy.

Instead of doing something super dorky or fun, we watched the news while drinking tea or coffee, depending on the person (you bet I choose coffee). A lot of them were trying to be optimistic, especially Papyrus (being the cinnamon roll he is), but others were lost in an ocean of doubts and fears.

They were freaking out: Alphys rambling about the current violent news, Napstablook actually crying (that poor baby), and Asgore just sipping the hell out of his tea. Yeah, they weren't alright. I was having an emotional crisis, yes, but at least I wasn't compulsively eating Toriel's biscuits (well... maybe).

Sans eventually woke up, grumpy as any person having a good dream. Curiously, he seemed rather peaceful while laying on the couch. His nightmares probably haunt him in the nights, considering he has taken a bunch of peaceful naps during the day.

Or maybe it's just a coincidence...

Which doesn't seem pretty reliable, so I'll stick to theory one. 

"Heya" I took my biscuit number 0930828469420904805308 while greeting him to the real world. "How was it at DreamLand?"

"ain't that a kirby scenario?" He yawned and took a biscuit as well. "anyway, i did fine. haven't got such a good nap in a while"

I smiled and he did the same, taking a bite from his dessert. 

He doesn't know how fucking glad I am. 

The general conversation was filled with puns as soon as he gained enough consciousness. If there's at least one day he can be happy... I'll try my best to keep it that way. 

That would mean no personal questions...

I can live with that.

Undyne and Alphys had to leave soon after that, though. We all were an emotional rollercoaster, but Alphys was shaking so badly that she needed to be alone for a moment and truly relax. If there's someone more anxious than I am, is her. And that's a really fucked up level if you ask me.

Fortunately, Undyne is getting more used to her anxiety and she's been learning how to help her whenever her panic attacks arrive. And so they left, the emotional instability ridiculously increasing. 

"S-SHALL WE GO AS WELL, B-BROTHER?" Papyrus asked with a forced smile. He was trying his goddamn best to remain positive, but fear ain't easy to hide at these circumstances. Less for him, a sweet skeleton that had positive expectations about the "Overworld" and that never expected such a massacre. 

"eh, i dunno, bro..." Sans shakily smiled as forced as his brother. "maybe we should stay? for a little while?"

"Whatever you desire to do, my ex-royal judger" Asgore smiled, troubled. "You all can stay for as long as you want"

Napstablook silently cheered, clearly nervous about leaving the house. He may be a ghost and immune to human attacks, but it would still freak him out to find a random hater shouting at him and trying to hurt him. 

I'm worried about his mental state as well, as I've stated before; the surface is not a happy place, so his self-esteem may get even worse. If I can't do something against racism soon, he'll... just give up. 

I don't want that to happen. 

I never wanted this to happen.

But now, it is a reality. 

A sad, harsh, reality. 

Again, did I make the right choice? 

Was it stupid for me to believe this was going to be alright? 

Am I...

Am I the reason they are not here anymore?

That...

That can't be... I only tried to help, after all. 

But it went wrong.

Now everything is wrong.

Their hopes, their dreams, their loved ones... 

Their happy ending...

It's all devastated, thanks to my stupid hope in this world.

My cup of coffee was now cold. It would be rude to throw it away and refill it, so I drank it that way. It's not like I deserve to drink it hot...

It wasn't that bad, anyway. 

Sans started to make lots and lots of coffee, so I didn't need to do it myself. It began to taste kind of crappy as time passed by...

But hey! 

Coffee is coffee! 

Papyrus was scolding him and screaming furiously, Mettaton was criticizing how shitty it tasted, and Napstablook was about to cry...

I approached poor Napstablook and sat next to him while Toriel, Frisk, and Flowey were making their way out. The ex-queen was shooting hateful glances to Asgore, and I tried to ignore them as best as I could. 

"Hey, Napstablook" I smiled at him, although it wasn't very genuine. "Can I call you Blook? I've heard Mettaton calling you that way"

"oh....... sure thing........" He smiled back, but it wasn't genuine at all, either. 

"What's bugging you right now, Blook?" I looked at him worriedly, the tears in his eyes becoming more clear. 

"oh...... it's nothing......"

"I know that lie perfectly well, Blook" I sighed "I would be lying if I said I haven't done it myself"

He stared at me, then suddenly got lost in his mind. After five minutes of letting him travel his thoughts (sitting in very awkward silence), he finally spoke up. 

"....multiple things..... way too many" He sounded to be about to break out in tears. "but..... it doesn't mat-"

"Of course it matters" I interrupted him, making him smile a little. "Anything you are uncomfortable with matters to me. Don't look at me like an ambassador; look at me as a friend instead... please?"

"....ok" He smiled warmly, then returned to his (unfortunately usual) sad expression. "it's just.... i don't have the courage to say to everyone that, uh........"

"It's ok, you can take your time-"

"i just.......... can't stop thinking about disappearing........."

"Disappearing...-"

"i mean, it's just-"

"You want to disappear as well, huh?" I chuckled humorlessly. There's not a right way to take this. "I've... I've felt the same, Napstablook. Sometimes, it's all we can even think of- to stop existing"

"but........ don't you think it would........ affect your loved ones.......?"

"That's..." Tons of memories passed through my mind, none of them happy. My mother, my father, me running away from home, the orphanage, me staying at Miranda's house for years... maybe being a teenager it's easier than I think it is. I just made it difficult. I just made it hurtful... "That's exactly why I'm still... trying. Maybe... maybe not everything needs a meaning, you know?"

".....yeah......"

"Hey, listen to me" I raised slightly my voice, forcing his eyes to make contact with mine. "I know life is harsh- mine isn't as pretty as I'd dreamed of... if it makes you feel better, is there anything I can do to make you happier? At least for a while?"

"i........... uh, is......... is it okay if i......... talk about something..... not that funny?"

"It doesn't have to be funny at all, Blook. Whatever you feel the need to say it out loud, I'll... I'll hear it and consider it. I'll do my best to make you feel comfortable and be... happier, if only for a bit of time"

"................it's really off-topic, you know........."

"It doesn't matter"

"i................."

He remained silent and took a moment. Slow breaths and silent tears that were turning quickly into desperate sobs. I approached him without saying a word, holding him in a gentle hug. I'm not sure how I managed to actually hug him, but I prefer not to question it. He cried a bit louder but still quiet. Everyone was busy chatting or eating, so no one noticed how sad he was. 

I bet no one has truly seen how much pain he has in his soul.

I mean, maybe they have seen his tears and depressive mood... 

But has someone cared enough about his mental state?

Don't they see he's slowly falling apart?

Don't they see...

that this can happen to anyone? 

"i............. i'm sorry........ i didn't even say anything................"

"Don't be sorry- anytime you need to... vent, I'll be here"

He offered me a weak smile and lost himself in the hug, and so I did. There weren't any more words needed to be said, after all. The overwhelming sound of our tears was enough.

...

After what felt like an eternity, we broke apart and joined the rest of the group. 

Five minutes later, his cousin and he had to go.

"Bye, (Y/N)-darling!" Mettaton glamorously embraced me into a tight hug. Napstablook was being crushed between us, but he didn't seem to mind. 

"bye, (y/n)........... it was nice to see you today........" He smiled so genuinely it made my heart melt. 

And after they left, there were only distant noises. Gaster was talking with Asgore, Sans was "watching" TV, and Papyrus was checking his phone. 

Even though I haven't shared so many memories with Blook...

I don't think there'll be a time I'll relate to him more than today

"HEY, (Y/N)!" Papyrus, being the cinnamon roll he is, waved at me and cheerfully patted the seat next to his. "COME SIT WITH US!"

I did as he said and sat between the skelebros, the older one now eagerly hearing our conversation. Still, he didn't turn off the TV. We made some small talk about casual topics while the characteristic voice of Morgan Freeman was interpreting Hoke Colburn in "Driving Miss Daisy". At some random moment, I started to pay attention to the movie, and they did as well. 

Quite an oldie, but a goodie. 

After all the incidents of today, the evening was finally calm. Asgore and Gaster eventually joined and watched the film with us, the peaceful silence not broken at all. And when it finished, the skeletons were about to leave. 

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY, MR. DREEMURR!" Papyrus said as he picked up Sans, who was practically asleep at this point. 

"Do not thank me, young skeleton" Asgore smiled while starting to clean the house. There was a photo frame about his children and ex-wife. He sadly put it away. "It was a pleasure to have you all in my small house, even if it was for a little while"

"IT WAS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU TOO!" Papy warmly returned the smile, innocence more than evident in his facade. "NOW, SHALL WE GO, FATH...-"

Papyrus's sudden silence made watch my surroundings. It didn't take me long to notice that Gaster was nowhere to be seen. Asgore took a deep breath, paying attention to us again. 

"Gaster just left five minutes ago" He sighed. "He wasn't fond of saying goodbye to anyone... or well, that's what he said"

"How... weird" I mumbled and tried to ignore how rude that was for me. It didn't work out. "Well, uh... I guess I should get going"

"Sure thing, young girl" He directed me an understanding glance. "I bet you have a ton of work to do"

"You bet I do" I chuckled. Both the skeletons and I got out of the house after saying short goodbyes to Asgore, not before I silently promised him that I will visit him often.

"BUT, (Y/N)!" Paps horrifiedly exclaimed as soon as we got out of Dreemurr's home. "I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD NO WORK TOMORROW!"

"I didn't- this incident, however, added some unexpected issues to my schedule"

"DOES THAT MEAN THAT WE WON'T HAVE SANS'S CELEBRATION PARTY?!" Oh shit, the party. 

Would it be a good idea to make a party in a moment like this?

...

Probably not. 

"I'm sorry, Papy. I really am. But it's extremely important for all of us to make things stable, or else... this will become a regular thing. I hope you understand"

"OF... OF COURSE! I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!" His smile is shaking... "ALTHOUGH I'M STILL A BIT SAD ABOUT IT, I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO AS OUR DEAR AMBASSADOR-"

Thank God-

"THAT'S WHY I THINK WE SHOULD HELP YOU OUT TOMORROW!"

...Forget I said anything. 

"Paps-"

"JUST THINK ABOUT IT!" He greatly made me shut the fuck up. As much as I love this guy's enthusiasm, sometimes it ends up exhausting me. "SANS, YOU, AND ME (OF COURSE) WORKING FOR A BETTER FUTURE! WOULDN'T THAT BE LOVELY?!"

It would be... 

If we weren't talking about injured and dead people. 

"I... I don't know..."

"C' MON! IT WILL BE MUCH EASIER THIS WAY! AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO DO IT ALL BY YOURSELF!"

He has a pretty tentative point, but...

Would it be selfish to say "yes, come and help me with work"?

Sans is probably tired, and-

"WHAT ABOUT IF WE STAY IN YOUR HOUSE?" The cheery skelly continued. "IT WILL BE A FANTASTIC SLEEPOVER! I BET...-"

"Hey, uh-"

"I BET SANS WILL ENJOY BEING OUT OF HOME, TOO" He almost whispered, but couldn't as his voice is naturally loud. "HE... HASN'T BEEN DOING GREAT AT HOME WITH NEITHER OF OUR PARENTS. THAT'S WHY HE PREFERS STAYING IN HIS ROOM AND, ASSUMING FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN, HE FOUNDS HAPPINESS IN SHARING SMALL TALKS WITH YOU... EVEN THOUGH MOST OF THEM ARE AT THREE AM"

He frowned and I giggled, still shocked after hearing such a thing. By now, I know that Sans doesn't have a good relationship with his mother, and less with his father, but is it that bad? I never thought he would hate them so much... I wonder why he does.

What brought me back to reality was Paps's expectant expression, waiting for my approval. I sighed as his eyesockets lighted up like stars and his smile turned into unhealthily cute. 

"Well... as long as you are okay with it-"

"HOLY COW, YES! LET'S GO!"

He was about to start running... until he came to the realization that he had no idea where he was going.

"UM... WHAT IS THE WAY, HUMAN?"

"Uh, I think that it will be better if, uh, we go to your house first, y' know?"

"FOR WHAT?" 

"Well, if your plan is to stay in my, uh, apartment... I think that, uh-"

"OH, BUT OF COURSE!" He almost dropped Sans. Holy fuck. "WE NEED TO GO TO GET OUR THINGS! THANKS FOR REMINDING ME, YOU GENEROUS LADY!"

"Uh, you are... welcome?"

"THEN OFF WE GO!"

He exactly knew the path that led to his house, and before he could do anything, he felt Sans slightly snoring, reminding him that he would not be able to run.

And that's how we opted for the option to walk peacefully through the streets, the overwhelming anxiety still in my shoulders. We talked about several things while Sans kept snoozing no matter how much noise the city had to offer. He may have problems to sleep at night, but I bet he normally was a pretty good sleeper. 

Wish I could do that.

As we passed by, people looked at us with nothing but pity. At this point, everyone knew about this problem. In fact, in order to get to the skeletons' house, we had to cross paths with the mall. It was all closed now, and it still had people searching for bodies and dust. 

...

We arrived at the neighborhood they currently live in, which was quieter than I remembered it to be. My legs were throbbing for such a long walk (or for me being unused to any physical exercise at all), but Papyrus seemed completely fine. 

Sans was still asleep. 

Not even five minutes later, and we were already in the house, where a fluffy dog received us cheerfully. 

"Hi, Maya!" I greeted Sans's doggo, who was already jumping and running all over the place. I carried her, then. "How have you been, sweetie?"

She only barked and licked my cheek. Not that I was expecting another thing, anyway. 

"ugh..." I heard a small whine behind, coming from that characteristic deep voice. I looked and saw Sans, still on Papyrus's shoulders, but with his eyesockets half-opened now. He noticed me quickly. "wha- hi, (y/n)... where are we?"

"In your house, dummy"

"uh... then why are you here? not like i'm complainin', but-"

"Don't worry, I get it. You see, uh..."

"WE ARE GOING TO (Y/N)'S HOUSE-"

"Apartment"

"-APARTMENT, BROTHER!" Papy put Sans on the ground, making him almost fall. "WE ARE GOING TO HELP HER TOMORROW WITH WORK!"

"huh, that sounds... better than staying here, which it's neat" He whispered that last part. "but why are we here, then?"

"TO GET OUR THINGS, SANS! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN HER HOUSE IF WE DON'T HAVE OUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS?"

"you are right, bro... you are always right"

"OF COURSE I AM!"

After this little conversation, both of them headed to their rooms to get some things. Basic stuff, mostly. I sat on the couch with Maya still in my arms, wondering what made Sans choose this name for her. Was it the name of a friend? A lover? Is it something much deeper? Or just a random word that he thought it sounded neat? 

There's the Mayan culture that resides in Mexico. It made huge discoveries involving maths, arts, writing, and... astronomy. All of them being topics that Sans is interested in.

In Spanish, it's called the "Cultura Maya", which would make sense of such a name. It's also a normal female name- one of my crushes back on high school was named Maya. 

Is Sans more thoughtful than I first thought? Or is it just a pure coincidence that the name of his dog can have so many meanings?

"WE'RE ALL SET TO GO!" Papyrus had an apparently heavy backpack, while Sans was barely holding a small bag that honestly looked ridiculously small. "SHALL WE TELEPORT OR WALK AS WE DID BEFORE?"

"as much as i would like to 'port, paps" Sans yawned, sitting next to me. "i don't have the energy to do so..."

"YOU LITERALLY SLEPT FOR MORE THAN FIVE HOURS THIS EVENING"

"but, uh, y' know..." He was trying to explain as best as he could... at least he tried. "since i just woke up, it's probable that we might end in the middle of a wall in a mcdonald's instead of her apartment"

"Makes sense to me" 

"IT INDEED MAKES SENSE... THEN OFF WE GO!" Papyrus let out a loud 'nyeh heh heh' and left the house ASAP. Sans and I followed him slowly and were relieved to see he wasn't far away. 

And so we made the usual way to my house; walk a bit, take the subway, chat while we get there, and... that's it, I think. It wasn't an interesting journey at all. 

When we were in my apartment, though, it was quite... something. 

To start with, Sans made himself at home and laid on the couch, slowly being absorbed by it. Papyrus immediately went to the kitchen and... kind of disappeared. Two seconds later, the TV was showing "1000 ways to die" and my fridge was open. 

It didn't take Papyrus long to see I'm a crappy worker living like my college years... that, because I'm still kind of one, as I'm just finishing my studies on quantum physics. 

"WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS CRAP?!" He exclaimed horrified while holding my ten thousand packs of instant noodles and pre-made sandwiches. "IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A MEAL?!"

"Uh... kinda?"

"UNACCEPTABLE!" He looked into my cabinets, frown still in his face and hands carrying my top quality food. "ALL OF THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! WE NEED TO GO SHOPPING, AND NOW!"

"Ohmylordpapyrus- Can we do this tomorrow and just eat this?!"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT" 

"Why?"

"BECAUSE I REFUSE TO LET YOU FALL INTO THE NEVER-ENDING LAZINESS THAT FAST FOOD PROPOSES!" wut.

"I can eat McDonald's, then-"

"DO YOU LIKE MCDONALD'S?!"

"Not that much, but... it's cheaper?"

That was enough for him. He put all my food back into its place (thank God he didn't put it into the garbage can) and turned off the TV, enough to tell us both that we were heading out once again. Sans took his jacket (when did he take it off???), put it on, and silently obeyed his brother. 

Guess there isn't any point in complaining. 

We made a tiring journey to a huge supermarket that I've never been in these four years living here. Not that it was surprising, you know? I've hardly been to more than five different places.

Papy ran to the food aisle and left us behind. And we just kind of...

Messed around.

"is there a more wonderful job than being a supermarket cashier?" Sans joked.

"Oh boy, you have no idea" I returned his sarcasm. "Have you ever think about working in a Burger King drive-thru?"

"i bet it's glorious"

"Of course it is"

"how do you know?"

...

Should I tell him?

...

Fuck it.

"I worked at a Burger King when I was sixteen" Ah, the memories...

"no way" He smirked, not aware of how crappy my job was there. 

If you only knew, Sans...

...if you only knew. 

"and would they come up with some weird shit like 'i want a bacon burger with no vegetables nor bacon. just bread, meat, and cheese. oh, and also an extra-large coca-cola, even though i'm totally aware that burger king only serves pepsi products'?"

"You just resumed my six months working there"

"wait, six months?! it should have been hell"

"Yes it was, and more on Fridays"

And so I proceeded to tell Sans about the week we spent fixing the speaker of the drive-thru that was knocked off by an angry mother, that day that we had to help a kid who was choking on a french fry, and the other day we had to kick an angry drunk man because he was insulting us for not serving him a Big Mac. He kept laughing at my tragedies and told me some that happened at his favorite pub back in the Underground, which I already know well that it was Grillby's, starring him as "the drunk guy who would randomly start to cry about how meaningless life is... oh, and also about how wholesome trombones are". Isn't this guy something?

Heh, I think it's nice to share my experiences with someone instead of myself.

I've been missing this feeling so much. 

And since Sans is just a goofy person in general, he's the perfect audience for these crazy and messed up stories. And his sense of humor, gosh, it's something that I treasure a lot. I don't think I'll find anyone as comedic as him. 

If I was asked to describe him in a couple of words, I would just classify him as a "walking talking shitpost". He has ALWAYS a random and unnecessary comment to say. And that just makes him goofier. 

Papyrus is goofy as well but on a different level. He is a dork without noticing it, a cinnamon roll without even knowing what that means. A nerd, just like Sans... but a distinct kind of nerd. A wholesome, innocent nerd. 

And on days like these, people like me... 

Remember how much I love not being alone. 

They are just the best duo I've ever seen- the best brothership you could ever ask for. 

Can anything ruin that?

Can anything ruin their relationship?

Can any-

BANG!

In a matter of seconds, the people surrounding us were already on the ground. We did the same without wondering why.

Everything was silent for a short period of time until screams were beginning to be heard. 

That's when it hit us what was happening.

That's when we knew we fucked up by letting Papyrus go on his own. 

"shit" Sans muttered and tried to hide how much he was freaking out. "we need to-"

"Stay here" 

"but-"

"If we move, we won't only risk ourselves, but also him... we can't move, okay?"

He reluctantly nodded and stayed in his place, although he was shaking badly. He started to softly mutter at first about something related to... "resets". I don't know what the fuck that is, but he seemed to despise them. 

After some minutes of worthless muttering, he continued to freak out more and let a couple of tears fall. He wore the same expression after waking up of some bad dream. I offered him a hug. He accepted it without hesitation. 

I know he wanted to scream. 

I wanted to do that as well. 

And as the bullets were still being fired, I held him tighter each passing second, searching for the comfort I felt moments before. 

This just can't end like this...

They can't leave me so soon... 

I just can't let it happen.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Gaster's POV*

Sans has grown more distant these last days. After receiving the news of him getting a high scholarship at a prestigious university, I smiled proudly. He is not a complete idiot, after all. He now spends a lot of time in his room, however. It's pathetic to see how he doesn't even bother to get a job or have a productive hobby. 

That theory regarding timelines is the thing that fucked him up...

But why, though?

It's just a theory. 

This hypothesis states that the most determined person (in the underground) it's able to change time and space. However, nobody has ever been able to prove it, so there's no need for him to freak out.

But he still does. 

How pitiful. 

When I got home and saw Arial sleeping peacefully on our bed, I wondered where the loud boys were at. It's just then when I noticed a note in the fridge, obviously written by my younger son. 

<>

...huh.

That's quite interesting. 

Perhaps Sans is interested in the ambassador?

After all...

He really doesn't enjoy other people's company.

What if something happens to them outside, though?

...

Nah, they'll be fine. 

After reading such an odd note, I decided to treat me with some coffee and read a good book that I found in my older son's room. I've been so eager to read it...

And more because he seems to be the author.

It's called...

"Memories of a different me"


	29. Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sadness and quietness.

*Gaster's POV*

'Chapter 1: A new body.

Only a few of us know who Flowey truly is. He may be a brat, an inconsiderate jerk, but he wasn't like this before. He was kind, generous, and empathetic. Or well...

That's how everyone describes him.

Asriel Dreemurr, Prince of the Underground, turned to dust in the field of flowers that the King still has in his throne. Alphys, being an apprentice trying to impress my father, Dr. W.D. Gaster, decided to take the risk to be in charge of the experimentation with DETERMINATION, a powerful substance we've obtained from the human souls we have collected so far. With Asgore's consent, the scientists took a bunch of flowers to experiment on, mostly taking the smaller ones. 

From that group of small flowers, they picked the larger one. It had minuscule remains of Asriel's dust, so that small amount went unnoticed by Alphys and her small provided crew. They injected the flower with the dangerous substance, and after weeks of supervising it... it was gone.

If the flower didn't have any of the prince's dust, it probably wouldn't have taken any life at all. The remainings of him, however, were enough to wake him up from death, taking the flower as his new vessel... even though he had no soul, he was conscious of who he once was. 

And so he had another chance to live...

But was it worth it?

I don't think so. 

Asriel at first took the opportunity to fix his mistakes and talk to his parents again. He had the idea that he was going to be overjoyed by it, but as he had no soul, he didn't feel... anything at all. He just recognized them, but nothing else. 

This, obviously, triggered him. How could someone live without feelings? That would be such a sad life! 

When he became aware that there wasn't anything he could do about it- that he would still feel nothing...

He decided to kill himself before depression struck in.

Not sure about what was his suicide strategy, but it is irrelevant. The point is that he tried it and succeeded. 

Instead of dying, though... he reappeared at his father's flower field. He woke up very confused, asked Asgore about him... but he didn't recognize him at all. 

"Oh, you, uh... you are Flowey, right?"

Asriel, taking advantage of the King's memory loss, agreed with the new name. And that's how this new version of his, "Flowey", was created. 

He began to experiment through different timelines, learning what his ability to "reset" could do. He played every game, solved every puzzle, befriended everyone... After a "reset", no one would remember what he did or who he was. That DETERMINATION of his, soon, became into something more... morbid. 

Little did he know, though...

Some of us DO remember...

We know what he did. 

We know who he was. 

We know who he is...

BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER, DOES IT?

HE'LL CONTINUE HIS "EXPERIMENTS" UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

...

this is gonna be the death of me'

I was intrigued by the way my son portrayed his experiences in the first chapter. When I was about to read the second one, though, my phone started to ring. Looking at the ID, I smirked.

It was (Y/N). 

She must've gotten tired of them. 

"Hello, (Y/N)? Is there something I can do for-"

"canyoupleasecometothehospitalsuperquickyoubothpleasepleaseplease-"

"Can... you speak slower?"

"I... s-something happened, Gaster, and, uh... w-we need you in the, *hic*, hospital. Also, uh, bring Arial... p-please"

Is...

Is she sobbing?

"I... I'll be there"

"Oh God oh God oh God- thank you! You don't know how glad I am!" Her voice broke...

I ended the call and woke up my wife. She freaked out and rushed me to teleport before the situation got any worse and, at that moment, I could only wonder...

What happened?

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

beep

beep

beep

beep

The sound of the machine was ticking me off. It has sounded for the last two hours and, still...

Nothing.

Nothing has happened...

...

Papyrus has not opened his eyes... 

I want to believe that this won't be the end of him- he's a strong dude. But...

Could this be...

Could this be where a reset would be justified?

As much as I am against resets, I don't want to deal with the absence of my brother forever...

But, thinking about it, Frisk won't reset after this incident. She doesn't care about us, after all. She will find it as something "interesting" and "new", and just to see my reaction, she will let me be in this living hell until I commit suicide. 

And so I've decided that, if my brother dies, I'm going to kill myself and no one's gonna stop me. In fact...

I don't think suicide right now sounds like a bad idea. 

The scenes we had to see, the trauma my brother is going to have (if he even comes out alive) and the issues that (Y/N) is enduring right now is making my soul ache. She is sobbing so bad and dealing with a bunch of problems... gosh, I wish we had stayed Underground. She wouldn't have this many problems if we didn't have that stupid dream of going out to the Surface...

Out of my thoughts and back to the hospital room, the door opened and my parents were there. Arial was already a huge mess, and Gaster's pupils dilated when he saw my brother in a bed and with multiple machines connected to his chest, precisely his soul. 

"G-good thing you... you came" (Y/N) coughed. "Can you, uh... you do have healing magic, right A-arial?"

"Y-yes?"

"Can... can you please try?"

Arial calmed down and tried her best to focus on her magic. Gaster was standing on a corner... he never said a word. He looked shocked- perhaps scared. His face was impossible to read, even for me. 

Soon enough, he fell asleep (and yep, he fell asleep standing there... I got that for him, as you can infer), and Arial did as well (in a chair... she doesn't have the same ability as my father). It was four in the morning, (Y/N) and I still awake. I felt pain in every part of my body. It all hurt, and it didn't work that I haven't slept well these days. Yesterday I had one of the worst nightmares and, therefore, one of the worst naps in all my life. 

"Sans..." (Y/N) sat next to me, after talking with one of the nurses. "You need to go to sleep-"

"no fucking way!" I almost screamed at her. "i'm- i'm not letting you here all by yourself!"

"I promise I'll wake you up if something happens, but please, I beg you, take some sleep!"

"but you need to sleep as well!"

"You look awfully hurt, Sans! You need to take care of yourself!"

"you also need to take care of yourself, (y/n)!"

"Sans... please... just go to sleep. I'll be okay-"

"and when will you sleep, then?"

"...Ok, here's the deal" She sighed. "You sleep right now and, when you wake up, I'll sleep and you'll keep an eye on your bro. How does that sound?"

"...and why can't i keep an eye on him now instead of you?"

"Because you need to sleep right now, way more than I do. You look exhausted, and you just can't bring yourself to stay late! That's just not you!"

"but you!-...i'm not going to convince you, am i?"

"You finally get it"

I looked deeply into her eyes, trying to read her thoughts. However, her look was fierce, expressing nothing but stubborn confidence in what she was saying. I sighed, breaking contact with her, and laid my body in two chairs. I'm a small man, so, pathetically, I fit perfectly in those two. 

No more excuses, I guess. 

"S... sleep well... please"

"heh... i'll try, snowflake..."

I put my body in a comfortable pose and closed my eyes, exhaustion quickly driving me into unconsciousness. Before I was fully knocked out, I heard some last words from her...

"Heh... I missed the nickname, bud"

But as joyful as those words were, my dream decided not to follow her sweet tone, and instead turn into the whitest of snows. 

It was deadly quiet, Snowdin Town's cheery essence gone. It was all covered in dust, only a few confused kids hanging out. Monster Kid (or for short, MK) was beside the pine all lighted-up in the middle of the town, without his parents and wearing a smile. He approached me, smile still on his face:

"Yo! Sans! Do you know why nobody's here? It's a beautiful day outside!"

"uh, kid... i don't think you should be here. please return to your home"

"But-"

"please... something happened, you need to go with your parents"

He tsked and left, and I know very well he didn't obey me; he's the reason Undyne died in that bridge, after all. 

I walked to my house, noticing I was at the entrance of Grillby's. My brother was there, drawing something. It has been always like this... before the incident happens.

It's always the same thing. 

"HELLO, BROTHER! WELCOME HOME!" He greeted, not looking at me at all."I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TO ASK YOU SOMETHING"

"go ahead"

"...WHY?"

...

what?

"excuse me?"

"YES" He now growled... "WHY?!"

"paps, what-"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION, SANS!" His voice was darker. "WHY DID YOU DO IT?!"

"paps, i don't-"

"YOU LEFT ME, SANS! YOU NEVER PROTECTED ME!" This doesn't sound like him. This isn't him at all- this can't be him! "YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING FOR ME! YOU JUST WATCH HOW I GET AWAY FROM YOU! WHY DO YOU DO THAT?! WHY DID YOU DO IT?!"

"paps!"

"FIRST THE TIMELINES... AND NOW THIS?! I'VE BEEN SHOT AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"no!"

"EVEN DARE TO DENY IT...?" He chuckled with a low voice, uncharacteristic of him. "I DON'T THINK YOUR OTHER 'FRIENDS' WILL AGREE WITH YOU!"

Then all my friends showed up, almost as ghosts. My past lovers, my pals on Grillby's, my lab partners... they were mad, ANGRY even...

Oh gosh. 

It's all my fault, isn't it?

They started to scream at me, saying things like "you don't care about us?" or "you are so selfish"

I wanted to cry, to bury my pain... but I couldn't. I couldn't move nor complain as if this was my predestined fate. I didn't want to accept it- I just can't accept it!

...but would it be wrong if I don't?

I... Goddamit! If Frisk hadn't existed in the first place- no -if Flowey didn't reincarnate, all of this would have never happened! I would be a productive scientist- a smart and healthy person! Not...

...this. 

I wouldn't be this. 

I...

I want to kill myself so badly. 

Either Papyrus comes out alive of this or not. 

I don't want to... I don't want to continue!

I've had enough!

I've... I've...!

...This has been enough.

This is enough... 

I'm sorry. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

After discussing a lot with Sans, I finally got him to sleep. I haven't sleep at all, but... I don't care. Sans needs it more than I do. 

I sat next to Papyrus's bed, tears threatening to show up once again. Everyone was now asleep... it was sickly silent. 

...

If someone didn't deserve this, it is Papyrus. He is so... innocent. And such a good person. And still, he got shot instead of anyone else...

Instead of me...

I tried to shake those thoughts away and focus on the machine that indicated that he was healthier... but still fragile. The multiple cables connected to his soul were overwhelming, his closed eyes and lack of his cheery voice affecting me. 

Not even five minutes and Sans was already trembling... another nightmare, for sure. I don't blame him, considering he has them frequently and, given the current situation, there's no chance that he may be okay.

And now the sun was rising, yellow rays barely passing through the window. The room was on the fourth level, offering a beautiful scene of different colors displaying in the sky. A scene that they recently got the luck to see, but I'm afraid that Papyrus won't... won't see it anymore...

I don't want to give up- I don't want him to die! I... it's difficult to have hope when there's nothing you can rely on. There have been so many times where I have hoped for the best and it didn't turn out alright. How could this be any different? Why should I suddenly change my mind and be that hopeful child again? Because, you know...

That stupid hope was the thing that put us in this place. 

If it wasn't for me, this wouldn't have happened. They could have been saved if I was more realistic. If I would have just told them that this wasn't a fairytale... they would be safe. They would be happy. They would be alive. 

"kh-" Oh shit. "a-ah, n-no, p-paps..."

"Sans" I whispered. "Sans, hey"

"n-no... i... no!"

"Hey, wake up!" I shook him gently, still keeping the volume low. "It's just a dream! Wake up!"

Why did I make him go to sleep?!

...

It's weird, you know?

I can somehow predict that Sans's HP is not that high...

I don't want to hurt him, ok?

He is a nice skeleton who deserves to have a healthy future and not to be tormented by... his past, I guess. I actually don't know what's been bothering him. 

He started to tremble more, fuck. 

"Hey, pal, uh, can you-" I was trying my best to shake him as gently as possible, but he was simply not waking up. "P-please wake up-"

Before I could react, his eye sockets were wide open. His right one was completely black, but his left one... it had color. 

It had a bigger pupil than his normal white ones, and it was shining with a beautiful blue glow. Uh, well... it was also yellow. It actually switched between blue and yellow every passing second. 

It...

It was such a powerful and wonderful manifestation of his magic.

But now it wasn't the time to admire it.

"Sans! Are you-"

"it's not my fault, goddamit! it's not my fault all of this happened!"

"...Sans, what the fuck are you talking about?!"

His eye stopped glowing. Both of his pupils were now gone. 

"...what-"

"Hey... what's wrong?"

"i... i don't..."

He wasn't able to say much before he broke in quiet sobs. I hugged him, just like I did some hours before. 

"i... god, i'm such a mess" He used the sleeve of his jacket to clean his face... it didn't last long, though. "i... this is my fault, isn't it? papyrus is now gone because i didn't try enough to protect him. he's now gone because i was too lazy to try to give him the best. i really wanted the best for him, but now he's not here anymore, he... he's gone"

"Hey-"

"don't say it, (y/n)" He almost growled. "i'm sick of it. i'm sick of everything, i... i just want to die already"

"...Is that what you want?"

"...yes"

As much as I wanted to tell him something positive, sometimes it's better to keep the silence. He's been suffering a lot... he's not up for my positive bullshit. 

I'm not up for that optimistic bullshit, either. 

He remained quiet as well, crying and eyeing his brother once in a while. Every time he did that, his sobs went louder. I shushed him in a comforting manner, carefully caressing his skull. His characteristic and charming grin had completely disappeared. It was like watching another person, it felt like... it felt so wrong. 

But how to say that to him? 

Minutes after unbearable silence, I heard a soft snore coming from the short skeleton in my arms. I sighed, mostly in relief, while I watched a small smile forming on his face. 

After seeing him break down, I could only ask myself- when has that smile been fake? How many things has he hidden from everyone? How many things is he hiding from everyone? 

What if he has been lying this whole time?

What if he is a completely different person under that comedian role he plays?

He was now smiling, but when is it genuine? Has he genuinely smiled at all? Is he that unhappy?

Why isn't he okay? I want to know. I NEED TO KNOW. I don't want to be oblivious to the truth... I don't want him to do the same I do! I want him to have the confidence to tell someone, anyone, about his problems. He has people around him, he needs to say something for once! Papyrus is not going to be with him all the time and now it's a perfect example of it! He has to talk!

He has to...

I don't want him to be gone as well...

I...

I wouldn't be able to cope with that...

...

...

....

.....

beep 

beep

beep

beep

The sound of the machine was ticking me off. It has sounded for the last two days, and still...

Nothing. 

Nothing has happened. 

... 

Papyrus is not going to wake up.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stop trying. 
> 
> He is dead.

*Sans's POV*

The sound of bottles clinking and drunk laughter filled the place. The smell of smoke was also there, being as shitty as it always has been. Almost everyone sitting either on tables or stools, although some guys were randomly chatting with girls wearing "provocative" clothes and some other girls were getting high with friends or trying to seduce men (or women). The patient bartenders kept dealing with drunk regulars while some others looked like they were about to ragequit their job. 

And there I was; alone in a corner, intoxicating myself with my 5th glass of "Jerez", a Spanish wine with a nice flavor.

I don't even need to say what I was doing there; at this point, it's really easy to tell. 

But as much as I wanted to forget everything, with every new shot, the image of Papyrus's smile came to my mind. It was awful to think that I would lose him not by a genocidal act, but instead by a bullet in our happy ending. 

"Hey~" A weird girl approached me, purring like a cat. Is she a furry? "Do you want to have a good time?~" 

"i'm a fucking skeleton"

"And...?~" Jesus Christ, take the fucking hint. "That doesn't mean we can't do something together~"

"fuck you"

"Fuck me~" OJFEOIERHGIOEHRIVPERHGOERNGVE

"i don't want anything, k? i'm not in the mood for your fucking-slutty bullshit"

She (finally) took the hint and went to the other side of the bar, seducing a man who looked way more interested in her chest and... other parts of her body. It's not like she was trying to hide them, though. 

"hey, pal" I called out the bartender who, surprisingly, had been nice to me. "another glass of 'jerez', please"

Taking a deeper look into my surroundings, there were a lot of thots in there. Some were even in a bikini, for fuck's sake. Actually...

Some people were making out. 

Ew.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Aaaaaaaaaand there it was. A scream of agony coming from a drunk man in tears. It didn't startle me at all, though. I'm used to this. "I MISS THE KIDS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! GODDAMN YOU, KAREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"YESSSSSSSSSSS!" A lonely woman who wasn't seducing anyone joined him. "DAMN KAREN AND HER GODDAMN INFIDELITY!!!!!!!"

Then they started to chat a bit. 

Then started to flirt. 

Then started to fuck on the floor.

Again, ew. 

"i... think i'm goin' now, lad" I told the bartender. "i don't need people's fucking emotional problems right now"

"Ok, sir." She smiled. "I'll give you your receipt in a minute"

"perfect. thanks, lad"

No one was doing something regarding that heated making-out session, as if it was completely normal. In fact, some other people started to do the same, and a girl even joined them for a trio. It was disgusting, to say the least. And the drunk moans were the cherry on the top. 

"Here it is, sir" She came back. "Would you like to order a bottle of-"

"two bottles" What am I doing? "now that you mention it, i want two bottles"

"...Of 'Jerez', again?" Sans, no. 

"yes, please" Stop!

"Ok, I'll be right back" WAIT, DON'T GO! DON'T BRING THEM!

FUCK!

I wasn't thinking properly, which it's obvious if you are a drunk person. I was wondering how Papyrus would react if he saw me in this state, but at that moment, I didn't give a fuck. 

She gave me the receipt and the two bottles. God knows if I paid correctly. Two seconds after leaving the bar, and I teleported to my room. I was more sober than drunk, somehow, so I was in my bed in a normal position and not in the middle of a wall. 

I grabbed the two bottles and hugged them, not sure what to do with them. Why did I order them in the first place? It's not like I can drink it in my room...

Or can I?

...

Actually, yes...

I can.

I went to the kitchen to grab a couple of shots and then I returned to my room. Without hesitating, I served myself some wine and started with a sip. Then another sip. Then a lot of sips, until I was completely drunk. By then, nothing seemed to make sense. Everything seemed meaningless- or well, more meaningless than usual.

And there's when I had the magnificent idea to go to the hospital once again. I teleported and (again, somehow) I was outside of the right building. With difficulty, I proceeded to go to my brother's room. 

And there he was, weak and unstable. At any minute, he could be gone. And only because someone was like "hey, this monster is here. Why not shoot him???". Only because they wanted to be like the "cool kids". Only because it's FUN. 

They're just the same. I thought that, in the Surface, not everyone is like Frisk. Turns out I was wrong. Everyone is stubborn, selfish, and goddamn stupid. They only think about their benefit- they never take into consideration people's feelings.

I hate them.

I hate them so much. 

"f-fuck everyone, goddamit!" What are you doing? "go to fucking hell you stupid FUCKING HUMANS!"

What the fuck are you doing, Sans?!

"i hate *hic* all of you! i *hic* hate you so f-fucking m-much, you-"

"Sans" A female human taller than I am was there. Who is this girl? "What are you doing here?"

"he *hic* is my *hic* fricking brother! who do you think you are to stop me?!"

"Sans..."

"how do you even know my name?!"

"..."

Who does she think she is?! 

Although, now she looks a bit familiar...

I think I saw her tonight- no, wait. I don't think I saw her tonight, but rather another day...

This is confusing as fuck. 

"i don't *hic* care who you are! let me see my *hic* brother Papyrus!"

"...Sans, you... you don't remember anything?"

Well, I mean- she looks rather familiar. Her height is about 5'5, she has not too short nor too long hair, and she seems pretty anxious.

...actually, I think that's just her personality. 

Anxious. 

She also seems to have a humble personality, seeing that she has not snapped at me...

And she is wearing formal clothes...

Formal, formal, formal- a suit, of course. She looks like she works at the Con-

Oh. 

OH. 

She is our ambassador, isn't she?

What was her- WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE.

SHE IS (Y/N)! THE AMBASSADOR OF MONSTERS AND A HUGE NERD, OF COURSE! THE KINDEST HUMAN I'VE EVER MET!

But what is she doing here...?

...wait.

She is MY friend, right?

She is Papyrus's friend as well...

Oh fuck. 

"Sans, are you-"

"holy shit i'm sorry (y/n) i didn't mean to insult you or forget you please forgive me i promise it won't happen again it's just-"

"Hey, hey" She gave me that usual sweet smile of hers. I remember completely now. I'm such a fucking idiot. "Don't worry about it, it's just- why did you suddenly start to scream?"

"well *hic*, because-!"

"Are... are you drunk?"

"...i dunno, am i?"

"...Jesus-FUCKING-Christ, Sans" She almost facepalmed. Emphasis on almost. "How... how did you even got here?!"

"i walked"

"NO, YOU IDIO-! You know what, forget it" She looked frustrated. Really frustrated. "It's just- you can't just come here and start to scream, bud, okay? Sober up, and then come back"

"but-"

"You can't just be drunk in a hospital, bud, please!" She was even begging me to leave... wow. Am I that much of a burden? "Promise me you'll come back when you are sober"

"...i see. i thought we were friends"

"Sans-"

"no. i don't want to hear it. i'm sick of it"

"SANS-!"

"no, fuck you"

"WAIT DON'T-!"

I teleported before she could finish that sentence. It's not worth my time. 

I was in my room (thank God), Maya sleeping peacefully on my bed. If she wasn't a dog, I would have killed her by now. But she is my cute puppy, and I wouldn't change her for anything in this rotten world. Angry, I went to the kitchen again. 

That's the place where Papyrus used to spend most of the time. 

I checked a cabinet and there it was- a shining bottle of vodka. Before going upstairs again, though...

I noticed the drawer where all my pills are...

...

....

.....

Without hesitation, I took them all. 

The ones my bro and I bought, the ones (Y/N) gave me... I took them all. Papyrus is not here anymore, so why even bother? It's not like he can come and scold me as he used to...

I hope he did, though...

I hope he did. 

Prozac, Restoril, Zoloft... I didn't give a damn anymore. I took them all and went to my room, Maya now awake and cheerful. I smiled at her, although I felt a small tear going down my cheekbone. I wiped it off and headed to my bed. 

"heh *hic* i'm sorry, girl" I hugged her softly. "i dunno if *hic* i'll make it until tomorrow. i'm... i just can't deal with this *hic* shit anymore"

She didn't understand a single word I said, of course. But that makes it way better because there will be no witnesses of what I'm about to do...

Is this the right choice?

Am I doing the right thing?

I couldn't help but feel guilty when I took a pill of Zoloft in my hand...

What if he wakes up?

What if someone finds me dead?

...

No. 

There's no way back. 

Everything's going to be reset anyway.

I'm sorry, Alphys.

I'm sorry, Toriel.

I'm sorry, Papyrus. 

I'm sorry... (Y/N).

You...

You tried so hard to help me out, (Y/N).

Even though you don't know me at all. 

And I appreciate that...

But I simply can't continue anymore. 

Should I...

Should I write a suicide note to show you my gratitude, (Y/N)?

...

Hell yeah.

It's not like they can criticize me anymore. 

I took a notebook and a pen and started to write whatever was on my mind. My vision was blurry and I felt like passing out, but my writer's passion was stronger. If I'm going to leave a note, I'm going to do it right. No spelling mistakes, no plot holes... everything is written down fluently. What kind of a writer would I be if I had any mistakes in my writing, even in my suicide note?

After putting the note in my bureau, I took the pills once again...

Welp... here I come

I'm sorry, everyone. 

This is why I never make promises.


	31. This is all I need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm so useless that I can't even commit suicide correctly" "Now I'm here, but how long will it last?" "I hate myself"

*Papyrus's POV*

...

No...

nononononononononono

NO!

IT CAN'T BE!

"Papyrus..."

"WHY DID HE DO THAT?! WHY WOULD HE DO IT?!"

"I... I wish I knew"

I desperately read again the note that Sans left me- that Sans left us. 

'To anyone who sees this:

It doesn't matter who you are, my friend. If you got to spend at least a day with me, you'll know that I'm not an optimistic person at all. Everything, well, has gone downhill these days and, as you can see, I wasn't able to handle it. 

Do I even need to tell you what is wrong? What was wrong? 

I'm a mess, ok? I'm not worth living nor your time. I don't even know why you keep wasting a precious minute of yours reading this note. You should just move on and continue with your life. It's not like it will drastically change. 

I'm a pathetic man, and you can't change the way I feel about myself. You can't change my drinking problems, my apathy, my depression, my nightmares... you can't do anything about it. 

And that's okay- I mean, I never asked for your help. 

If you didn't lend me a hand while I was alive, I understand. I wouldn't have helped me, either. 

But if you did, well... I have a question for you. 

Do you think even the worst person can change?

That anyone can be a good person if they just try?

...

Well, you know what?

I don't think so. 

My brother, Papyrus, was a young skeleton who saw good in everyone. That unconditional kindness, ironically, is what killed him...

So why should I be kind?

Those humans took everything away from me. Now I can't stop blaming myself for his death. 

Call me a coward, but I won't deal with the feeling of Papyrus gone in my life. 

Not now not ever. 

I won't give Frisk the goddamn satisfaction to see me suffer.

I bet she'll laugh whenever she finds out what I did.

... 

I just hope she doesn't reset. 

Now, this is something rather personal. It's not only Papyrus gone that made me take this decision, but rather some other factors. 

The resets, for example, are one of the many reasons. 

If you are not Frisk nor Flowey, you won't understand. But that's okay. You don't need to know about this. 

But if you want to know, ask them.

Ask them all about the resets. 

Then you'll understand.

...

The explanation's not pretty at all, though...

...

My brother was the light of my life. He was such a nice skeleton and... I don't think this cruel world deserved him. I love him so much and I'll continue loving him. He's my dear young brother and he will be that to me forever. 

Back in the Underground, Grillby was my emotional support. He guided me through a lot of things and was nice to me, even if I am annoying as fuck. He is a wonderful man, and I hope his business keeps growing. 

Alphys was a nice friend, too. We stopped talking for a couple of years, but when we used to chat, it was amazing. I hope she never feels like taking the path I took. 

Undyne supported my brother no matter what. Even though she never got him to join the Royal Guard, she was always looking out for him. Such an inspiration for Papyrus- I don't think I can say the same about me. 

And well... (Y/N), of course. Ambassador of the Monsters who tried her best to give us our perfect ending. If you are reading this, (Y/N), please...

Don't give up, ok?

You do have a bright future ahead. 

You were such a wonderful friend to me, even if it was for a couple of months. You always tried your best to understand what was wrong or what did I need. So please, if there's something you want to do for me, it's to continue living. 

Also, if you could be so kind, my friend... could you tell my parents to fuck off? Oh, and please slap Frisk on her face. Thanks, pal.

I believe that you'll be a successful person, as well as you believed I'd be. I'm... sorry for disappointing you. But hey! At least you won't deal with me drunk in a hospital ever again! 

Anyway, I wish I had the courage to tell you everything that has ever happened to me, but I can't risk that. What if Gaster finds out about the resets? That'd be catastrophic.

So, please- continue giving hope to the few monsters that remain. You are better than you think you are. 

Be strong, Snowflake.

And if someone else is reading this, please- don't do the same thing I did. 

You are better than that. 

Atte. Sans Serif'

"WHY... IF HE ONLY WAITED A BIT LONGER!"

"I know, Papyrus, I know"

"WHEN DID YOU FIND HIM LIKE THIS?!"

"A few hours before you woke up"

I feel like crying again. He is in such a miserable state... he's been asleep for almost a week now! (Y/N) was rereading the note he left, and I bet she doesn't want to believe the words he wrote down as well. 

I feel so bad for her. Her eyes are swollen and she almost got dehydrated yesterday. She is paying for the treatments he is getting and she also paid for mine. She has been working overtime these last days, even though she'll never admit it. The bags under her eyes look darker and bigger and she yawns way too often. 

I'd like to think it's her insomnia (that's the name, right?) again, but I know it isn't. She is tired of all these events, and I mean, who wouldn't? Even someone like me is tired of all of this! She got to see my body being weak by receiving a bullet, and just before I got good, she was the one who found Sans's body lying unconscious on his bed. She also has been taking care of Maya and is trying her best to keep my parents away. No one else knows what happened to Sans. Only (Y/N) and I... and maybe also his dog, as she was in his room when (Y/N) found him. 

She at first tried to smile and be positive, but... she is too hurt. Truly hurt.

... 

I wish I could make her smile. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

...

I want to FUCKING SLAP HIM-

It's just- how in the world does he want me to deal with this? First my father, and now him?! Does he even know how awful it is to deal with the absence of a loved one who committed suicide?! He has no fucking idea! And he wants me to do it all over again?!

I...

God, aren't I stupid? I genuinely believed this could work. 

I mean, I did believe it! Isn't that pathetic? I've been living in this world for twenty-two years and, still, I make the same mistakes all over and over again! I still trust people! I still care about things! And I still love them! Deep down, I still have hope! Ain't that fucking stupid?!

I don't even know if I should think that Sans will get out of this. He's been in the hospital longer than Papyrus did, and he overdosed himself with different pills. Restoril it's extremely dangerous if you mix it with alcohol. With Zoloft, it will worsen your depression. Prozac and alcohol, well... it can literally kill you. So the combination of the three is... highly toxic for the body. And extremely mortal if that wasn't obvious yet. 

To make it worse, he consumed a lot of alcohol that night, based on the empty bottles I found under his bed. 

Two bottles of Jerez and a bottle of vodka.

Jerez has 18 percent of alcohol in each bottle, but the vodka he took is the strongest drink you'll ever see. 

He, being a drunk idiot, took a bottle of Vodka Spirytus (believe me, I don't know where he got it), which has not less than 96 percent of alcohol...

You may now see why I doubt he'll ever wake up...

I...

I didn't even know the percentages of the bottles! I read them just to...

Just to see if he had any hope...

...

I want to cry every time I read his note.

And more when he talked specifically to me. 

Why would he include me? Why would he thank me? Why would he want me to be strong?

...

Why would he call me Snowflake once again?

That's...

That's so unfair.

Everything about this is unfair. I've been trying my best to treat everyone kindly, and this is what I get? Oh, but those assholes who hunt monsters? They're okay! They died when they wanted to and disappeared when they felt like it! They decided to take their unhappiness on innocent people! People I used to love!

...

The people I still love...

...

Sans committed suicide...

I just...

I just can't get over it.

He is...

He is not here.

Not anymore.

And even if he survives, will... will it be worth it?

...

Maybe I'm selfish for trying to keep him alive. 

Maybe I'm selfish for wanting him here.

Maybe...

Maybe it will be worse if he wakes up. 

It's just- he overdosed, for God's sake. He has a lot of pills in his body and none of them react well with such high levels of alcohol. If he's alive, his body will still be pretty fucked up. He'll spend at least two or three months in getting recovered and, I don't even want to say it, but he may need even more professional help.

He...

He will go to a psychologist for a long time. 

...

Maybe he'll be in a psychiatric hospital...

...

Now, I'm... concerned. Even if he doesn't come out alive of this, he mentioned something called "resets". He has mumbled about them before as well, and... he seems rather uncomfortable by them. They've also been a reason for his nightmares, based on what he mutters when he is dreaming. 

And if Frisk and Flowey know about this- if those two are responsible for them... well, I would like to know what this is all about...

So at least I could understand why he did it. 

I...

If I don't know the reasons, it's going to torment me forever...

"Papyrus?"

"YES, (Y/N)?" He looks so devastated... if you only knew, Sans. 

"I... I think I'm going to go to Toriel's house"

"OH, REALLY? AND WHY DO... WHY DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT?" Stop making this harder, please. 

"Remember that Sans mentioned something about 'resets' on his... note?"

"...AND FRISK AND FLOWEY ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW, RIGHT?" Don't tell me he-

"Do you... you want to know as well?"

"Y-YES..." It's obvious he wants to. It's his brother we are talking about here. 

"...then I guess we should ask them to come..."

"YES, BUT... APPARENTLY, SANS HATES FRISK... A LOT... I DON'T THINK HE WANTS HER TO SEE HIM LIKE THIS"

"That's, uh, a good point" Fuck, how am I supposed to get to know the truth, then? It's not like we're leaving Sans alone in the hospital. "How... what do you suggest, then?"

"I... I THINK WE SHOULD WAIT" ...wait? "WAIT A BIT LONGER. IF SANS DOESN'T... WAKE UP... WE'LL GO ON AND ASK THEM. BUT! IF HE DOES! THEN WE'LL TRY OUR BEST TO MAKE HIM TALK ABOUT THIS WEIRD THING..."

"So... you want him to talk about the resets?! If he didn't do it while he was... awake, why would he do it after this?"

"BECAUSE WE DESERVE AN EXPLANATION!"

"And since when Sans gives us explanations even if we deserve them?"

He remained silent. I don't want to ruin it for him, but that's true- Sans would never talk about his feelings at all. Sans would never feel confident enough to say what's on his mind. 

"I..." huh? "I WANT TO TRY, (Y/N). SANS CAN CHANGE, I... I KNOW IT. IF HE CHANGED TO THE WORSE, WHO SAYS HE CAN'T CHANGE TO THE BETTER?"

"...You are right. You are so goddamn right, Papyrus" I smiled. He always sees good in people. "We'll wait for him to wake up, then"

We sat there next to Sans's bed, the state of his soul not any better than before. And when I got to see his soul yesterday, I proved my theory...

His HP is low. 

His defense is also low...

...

DEF 1

ATK 1

HP 1...

...

And as much as I wanted to prove it, I'd prefer to never would have known... as long as he was still there with us. For us. 

...

I want him back. 

He has such a nice future ahead, I can feel it.

He just needed to see that...

He just needs to see-

beep beep beep beep

beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep

Sans's soulbeat was now faster. Paps and I started to panic.

Then, it ridiculously accelerated more.

"Hey!" I screamed. "Can a doctor come?! We need help over here!"

A doctor and a couple of nurses rushed to the room and started to assist Sans. Two minutes after, they told us to leave the room, and so we did (although Papyrus was reluctant to do so). 

"DO YOU THINK HE'S OKAY?"

"I don't know, Papyrus"

"WHAT IF HE GETS IN A WORSE STATE?!"

"Let's hope he doesn't-"

Suddenly, the beeps picked a normal rate...

The room was calm, and the doctor seemed to be... shocked?

"Uh, doctor?" I approached him. "Did something happen-"

"He is-" The next part was turned into a senseless mumble.

"...What?"

"He... he is alive..." He said once again, eyes focused on Sans. "He... he survived the overdose..."

...wait...

"He... he did?" 

"Y-yes..." He was now walking away. "Ex... excuse me. I... I need a minute"

Then he left, and the nurses did as well. 

Sans was still asleep, so... how does he know that he is-

"ugh..." ...oh. OH. OH MY GOD. "uh, ah... what the fuck?"

"You... you are-"

"BROTHER!" He almost gave Sans a bone-crushing hug, but turned it into a soft one just in time. "YOU ARE AWAKE NOW!"

"p-paps? weren't you-"

"IF YOU WERE ONLY A BIT MORE PATIENT, SANS, YOU WOULD HAVE SEEN I WAS COMPLETELY FINE!" He wanted to act like always, but... he simply couldn't. "I... I WAS SO SCARED, BROTHER"

"i... paps-"

"YOU... WHY, SANS?" He was on the verge of tears. "WHY WOULD YOU DO IT?"

"ah, fuck, what did i- i... i tried to do it, didn't i?"

"Y-yes" Fuck, I'm almost crying too. "You... you did try it"

"i... oh gosh, i'm so sorry, i... i shouldn't-"

Papyrus started to sob badly and hugged him a bit tighter (just a bit, don't worry). I quietly joined the hug and they accepted me with the same silence. Sans was already crying badly, and...

I cried, too. 

A lot, in fact.

I felt so relieved to see that he is okay- that he'll be okay and that he can even talk to us. According to some stories I've read (which I think I'll never be able to read in my life without shedding a tear), people can get completely paralytic if they even survive an overdose. Only a small percentage gets to survive one, and most of them get serious brain damage. 

But Sans is a monster, and that may explain why he seems so unaffected, but there's the possibility that his magic somehow has changed due to such a huge amount of pills on his body (and a bunch of alcohol as well). 

It'd be so weird if he doesn't get any side-effects, but it would be great. The sooner he gets outta here, the better. 

"Okay," The doctor came back. "Mr. Serif will have to remain here for a couple of weeks to recover, since he may be weaker than usual. Also, since we know almost nothing about magic, we'll need a proper monster to inspect him... so I highly recommend you to be thinking of one"

"s-someone to, uh, inspect me?" Oh no. "but, what if-"

"SANS!" Papyrus intervened... thank God. "WE NEED SOMEONE TO CHECK HOW YOUR MAGIC IS DOING, OR ELSE YOU CAN GET IN A WORSE STATE!"

"but-"

"BUT NOTHING!" Papyrus sure knows how to put a stop to Sans... what a guy. "WE ARE GOING TO BRING SOMEONE TO SEE HOW YOUR MAGIC IS AND THAT'S IT! SO YOU SHOULD START THINKING OF SOMEONE!"

"i... but who, papyrus?" Here we go again. "who would check on me without judging me or spreading the word?"

"I... don't you think Alphys is a good option?" I tried to suggest. "It's better than Gaster, you know? And if we bring Toriel, well... she'll have to bring Frisk and Flowey with her. So, uh, maybe Alphys is good?"

"...she is the most reliable option, actually"

"So she is good?"

"yeh, she is good"

"Should I call her, then?"

"wait, now?!"

"I'm afraid, Mr. Serif" The doctor was trying his best to say something, but... it's obvious he doesn't understand anything of what we're talking about. "That we need to check the state of your magic as soon as possible, or else we can't proceed to induce any treatment to your body"

"...fuck"

"SANS! NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES AWAKE AND YOU'VE ALREADY SWORE THRICE!" 

Sans tried to laugh but instantly started to cough.

"Hey, hey, easy there pardner. You can't force yourself too much, ok?"

"*cough* i'll try heh *cough* *cough*"

"Anyway" The doctor stood next to the exit quite awkwardly. "I'll leave you alone so you can, uh, discuss that"

He, then, left the room...

And so we started to talk. There were a lot of things to make clear, after all.

"so, uh..." Sans started. "how did i... how did i manage to end up here? when... when i did that, i'm pretty sure there wasn't anyone on the house"

"I, uh..." Shit, how to phrase it?! "You see when you came drunk to the hospital, right?"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

"y-yeah...?" 

"When... When you left, I..." she... "I searched for you. I left the hospital in a hurry and went to your house as fast as I could. You, uh, know I don't have a car, and... well, the subway wasn't an option, either, since it is too slow. So I, uh..."

"you...?" 

"I stole a bike" what the fuck- "I mean, I did return it! ...the day after, at least. But I went on the bike and reached your house faster than I thought I would and... I started screaming for you"

Oh lord.

"And when I didn't receive an answer, well... I unlocked the door of your room and-"

"how did you unlock it?!"

"I kind of remembered that Papyrus has a key to your room, and... just went to his room and took it"

...oh.

I forgot he had a key.

"THANK GOD I HAD THAT KEY, SANS!" Did he read my mind or something? "I ALWAYS RESPECTED YOUR PRIVACY, BUT NOW I'M THANKFUL (Y/N) DIDN'T!"

"Anyways, uh... so I entered the room and... found you. I instantly called 911, and well... that's how you are here"

"and you, uh..."

"Read the note?" I awkwardly nodded. "Yes, I... I read the note, Sans... it was heartbreaking, to say the least"

"YES! IT'S SO... IT'S SO SAD THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY HOPE AT ALL!"

"i, uh..." I'm about to cry. Fuck. "i'm sorry... i was a complete idiot. a drunk and stubborn idiot. i wasn't in my right mind and... papyrus's state really affected me"

"I... I know it did"

"so you brought me here?"

"Yeah..."

"...thanks... i, uh, i appreciate it. and i'm sorry for, uh, everything you had to endure"

"Sans, I... I wasn't there for you when you needed it. I... wasn't a good friend to you... and if there's someone who, uh, needs to apologize... it's me"

"...do you really think it's your fault?" I raised an eyebrow (or eyebone? ...not even I know)

"Well, not like that! More like... like I could have done something else, and-"

"...(Y/N)" Papyrus put a hand on her shoulder. "HOW CAN YOU BE A BAD FRIEND? YOU ARE THE ONE WHO STOOD BY MY SIDE WHEN I FELL, AND ALSO THE ONE WHO GREETED ME AND COMFORTED ME WHEN I WOKE UP! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CARED ENOUGH FOR SANS, TO THE POINT YOU EVEN DID THINGS THAT WERE WRONG! YOU DID EVERYTHING TO HELP US, YOU ARE PAYING FOR OUR TREATMENTS, AND YOU'RE EVEN TAKING CARE OF MAYA! HOW CAN... HOW CAN YOU BE A BAD FRIEND WHEN YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THAT?"

"wait- you are paying?!"

"Uh, y-yeah" Holy- "I, uh... I just-"

"you... you don't need to say anything, ok?" I weakly smiled. "you... you are a good friend. and we care about you. we... we really do"

"YES! WE CARE ABOUT YOU AS MUCH AS YOU DO CARE ABOUT US!"

"Heh..." She sniffed and put away the tears. "You... you are so nice, haha. I don't, heh, deserve any of you two"

"on the contrary- i don't think i deserve you"

She offered me a sad smile and hugged me once again. Papyrus quickly joined the hug, and a beautiful peace was in the air. We remained like that for a while, until she remembered that she had to tell Alphys to come over. She texted her and Alph arrived faster than I thought... although Undyne was with her. 

"h-heya, al" I tried to make the mood as less gloomy as possible. "h-how's it, uh, goin'?"

"W-what happened to you?!" She was mortified... knew she wouldn't react to well. "When did this happen?"

"heh, it was just a... silly thing i did, no big problem" Lying again? You do never learn, man. "and it happened a day ago.. or two, i don't recall"

"It actually happened six days ago, Sans" ...really? "And it, uh, wasn't an accident, that's for sure"

"Would you like to explain WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO?!" Whoa dude, wtf. 

"...i, uh... do you guys have the n-note?"

"Uh, y-yeah, I... I have it here"

She handed Alphys and Undyne the paper where I wrote everything while I was starting to sweat. They started reading it, and when they finished, Alphys was a crying mess and Undyne looked truly shocked. 

"Dude- Sans..." She didn't look me at the eye (?), but instead stared into the wall. "I... I knew you weren't okay, but gosh... I never thought you'd do something like that"

"Y-yes!" Alphys continued crying. "W-why would y-you d-do it?!"

"heh, i know. guess i'm really-"

"Sans" (Y/N) whispered next to me"You don't have to joke, Sans"

"...i... (y/n)-"

"I understand it's a coping mechanism but, please, stop doing it..."

"i... i just really tried to, uh, brighten the mood, y' know? haha"

"You don't need to do that... you simply don't"

I remained silent while she proceeded to speak with Alphys over my magic state. Al started to make some preparations and such, but the tears were making her act a bit clumsier. 

"O-okay, S-sans!" Alphys was trying her best to keep her composure. "We'll see how your magic is doing by, uh, a simple test, o-okay?"

"okay, al" I tried to smile... it didn't work. "s-should i summon an attack?"

"J-just one projectile will be necessary" 

Okay...

Here goes nothing. 

I tried to summon a simple bone but my body immediately started to ache. I groaned in pain, and it was now harder to breathe properly. 

"Oh lord." I heard (Y/N) mutter "Okay, Sans. Breathe slowly and don't use your magic, ok? Deactivate it and take deep breaths"

"ugh, but-"

"Sans; I know you want to prove you're not weak, but please, don't force yourself"

I did as she said and forgot about my magic. I started to breathe manually and, eventually, I felt fine once again. 

"Oh my..." Alphys looked at some odd notes she had. "It's worse than I thought it'd be..."

"h-heh... guess i really messed up this time"

"Your magic's intensity it's a-almost unexistent, a-and..." She is trying to say it in a nice way, ain't she? "It w-will require a long time to return to, uh, its original state. Since your ATK wasn't... too high before, during these days you'll experience technically a lack of magic. Your defenses will be low, and... y-you must stay in this room at all times"

"s-stay in this room for more than a month?!" You've got to be kidding me.

"DON'T WORRY SANS!" Ah, Papyrus... I still can't believe he is okay. "I'LL STAY HERE FOR YOU AS LONG AS I CAN! SCHOOL HAS BEEN DELAYED SO I CAN BE WITH YOU ALL DAY!"

"it has been delayed?" 

"Yup" (Y/N) sighed. "Violence has increased a lot. Papyrus wasn't the only one shot, y' know? A lot of people were affected by the incident in the supermarket"

"i-is that so?" I sighed as well. The Surface wasn't what I expected... and I learned that the hard way "w-well... guess you can come here often bro, huh? you... you don't have to, though..."

"OF COURSE I WANT TO!" Aww, Papyrus... "WHY I WOULDN'T WANT TO STAY BY YOUR SIDE?! WE'RE BROTHERS, SANS!"

"heh, i... i know, paps" Then I turned to see (Y/N). "how... how are you, (y/n)?"

"Huh?" I accidentally startled her. "I... what do you mean?"

"you've been working a lot, haven't ya?" She smiled sadly when I said that. "i just want to... i just want to know if you are okay"

"I... heh, I'm just... tired"

Tired, huh?

I don't think she's only tired. 

"Anyway," She returned to reality after some minutes. "I must, uh, return to work now"

"(Y/N), it's 8 am" Undyne glared at her. "From what you've said before, you start to work at 1 pm"

"I..." you...? "I've been working overtime these days, and... I need the money, ok?"

"you... oh gosh, (y/n), how can i-" 

"You don't... you don't need to do anything" She was picking up her things now. "It's not your fault, after all. I just need the money"

"and why do you seem so desperate to get the money? if it's not my fault, then who is it?" 

"It's... it's not only that, ok? I mean, the treatments have cost me money, yes, but also some other things-"

"like?"

"Like other people's treatments, the campaigns in favor of monsters, the money sent to the funerals, Miriam's school... I'm technically broke right now haha"

"...(y/n)..." 

"It's okay, don't worry! I'm not that broke!" She laughed it off. "It's just that I need to pay rent during these days, so I need that extra cash real quick"

"...you sure you don't want any help?" She doesn't care about herself at all. "i have some savings there, y' know? i can pay you back the treatments so you can pay rent..."

"...You are so sweet, Sans" Her smile was now shaking. "But I know I can pay it myself. I'll still consider your offer, though"

She gave us a last short hug and left the hospital. Alphys and Undyne waved us goodbye and also left...

Then only Papyrus and I were in the room...

And that was all I needed.

To be with him.


	32. Just a quick thank you from this weird author that you don't need to read [AUTHOR NOTE]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...just read it if you want to.

So, uh...

Where to begin?

This book has already 30 chapters, and it's been a long way since the very beginning...

I don't think I can thank you enough for making one of my wildest dreams come true. 

So far, you've been extremely supportive and kind. You've been commenting about anything in the story and, well... I don't know. It just feels so surreal I don't have the right words to describe this feeling that makes me smile every day. 

Life is tough. For someone who has depression, it gets a thousand times darker and scarier. Through these months, I've been thinking of leaving the book as it was, erase my account, or... even commit suicide. I just felt like I wasn't enough, and that I made a huge mistake by writing the story. 

...

But you contradicted me.

You've cried and laughed and cheered and complimented this book and my writing. You've been sending a lot of your support to this book and, therefore, to me as well. You've treated me like I'm a talented person, and... it feels so weird to be acknowledged for something like a Sans x Reader fanfic. 

And it may sound stupid, but this story means a lot to me. 

Do you know about how people have a happy world in their minds in where they usually hide in? Well, this is my happy world. This is where I escape to in the middle of the night, dreaming about being with some characters that I'll never have the luck to meet. I fantasize daily of how amazing it would be to get Sans to love me and to be friends with all those kind monsters that have changed my life so drastically. 

I just feel so loved by them, and... it may sound unhealthy, but I just love these characters very much. 

I know they're not real. 

And if they were, I know they probably would not love me. 

But I just like to imagine that they do care about me and that I mean something to them- to him. 

And to think that you guys actually relate to this imaginary world... it just impacts me a lot. 

...

8k+ reads...

400+ votes...

Almost a thousand comments...

Do I really deserve you? All of you?

I have readers from all over the world and of all ages. People, one way or another, get to me and tell me how good my book is. And I don't think I've ever felt so good in all my short life. 

I'm good at school, and people have always told me that I'll get far. But what happens if that sounds just so... fake? Numbers are not a guarantee I'll be a good professional in my future. 

And what I like the most about me is my writing. The thing is, that I never show anyone my writing in real life. 

And now, I show it to you, and...

You just make my heart skip a beat every time I get a notification from Wattpad. 

I stop doing whatever I'm doing and check it, no matter if it's just a simple comment or someone voting for a chapter. I check it anyway and smile. 

...

Sans has been my fictional crush for 3-4 years now. 

And honestly?

I think the time has flown way too fast. 

My love for this character is the mere reason I now consider myself a writer. 

This is the first book I've been modifying cautiously on my mind, trying to simply create a wonderful life by his side- by their side, as I love all of these characters...

...

I love all of you as much as I do love him.

Without you, this weird fantasy of mine would still be trapped in the back of my mind. 

But now it's free and wild; enjoyable and consistent...

It's a book. 

And I can't believe it that I, after some difficult months and years dealing with self-doubt issues, I'm going to say this...

But I'm really glad I took the courage to write this and show it to the world. 

I'm proud of what I've created. 

And this is a reason why I'm still trying to care about things...

I just really want to thank you for that. 

I'd be a different person if I didn't make this choice and if you weren't here for me. 

So, please, never give up and think you're not doing great. You are doing great. You are an amazing person. And you deserve love...

...

You deserve to have hope. You deserve to have strength. And you deserve to live...

You...

You deserve to stay determined; to never feel like you should throw the towel...

So, uh...

take care of yourself...

'cause someone really cares about you.


	33. Sour cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're Mexican now because yES!

*Your POV*

"...and that's how my family and I got permanently banned from Taco Bell"

Sans chuckled while he was finishing his low-quality tacos. Seriously, if he ever meets my grandma, he'll get to know what real tacos are. These are just cheap copies of the beloved Mexican food I got when I grew up, and God... I wish I could have it right now.

But the thing is, that Sans seems to like these tacos, and that is something I'll never get over with. And that's why I proceeded to tell him the tragic story of my people, which got fucking kicked from Taco Bell. 

"so what you're tellin' me..." He said as he put away the remainings of his food. "is that you have mexican ancestors?"

"Yup" I smiled at the memory of my grandmother. "My grandma is Mexican a hundred percent, and my grandfather is from Cuba"

"and how the fuck did they meet?!" 

"My grandfather decided to study the culture of Mexico, so he went to University in Mexico City" I laughed at his confusion "That's when he met my grandma"

"so..." He grabbed one of the books I brought him two days ago. "you know spanish?"

"Sí, ¿por qué preguntas? [Yes, why do you ask?]" I smiled.

His smile widened and the lights in his eye sockets were a lot brighter. 

"bueno, porque quiero saber si puedo molestar a alguien más con mis terribles juegos de palabras en español [well, because i want to know if i can bother someone else with my horrible puns in spanish]" Wait, does he-

"¡¿Desde cuándo hablas español?! [Since when do you speak Spanish?!]" 

"desde hace un par de años [since a couple of years ago]" He smiled. "en snowdin, solíamos hablar español casi todos los días [in snowdin, we used to speak spanish almost every day]"

"That's... interesting, to say the least." I decided to stop speaking in Spanish. "You actually have a nice accent when you are talking in Spanish. It's impressive, considering you guys barely had any information on how the accent should be... why did you learn it, anyway?"

"you see..." He managed to sit properly, although he was still pretty weak. "our very ancestors used to speak lots of languages. most of the ones speaking spanish, however, established themselves in snowdin. this is something passed through generations, y' know?"

"So that means that your whole family knows Spanish?"

"not exactly" He gave me a sad smile... no, sad isn't the right word. More like melancholic- even nostalgic. "we actually used to live in the capital when i was younger. we moved to snowdin when papyrus was like... two, i think. my parents don't know spanish at all, but i do thanks to lily, and papy knows thanks to me"

"Who's Lily?"

"the shopkeeper of snowdin" His smile widened, probably at the memory. "she is a purple bunny and sister of the snowdin innkeeper, who's a somewhat pink/peach bunny and her name is rose"

"Huh... were they close?"

"i think they still are" He was mostly talking to himself at this point. "lily used to babysit kunal every weekend, after all"

"Who's, uh, Kunal?"

"rose's child"

"So everyone in Snowdin knows Spanish?" I raised an eyebrow, and he gently shook his head. 

"nah, not everyone" Now even his eye lights were lost and inspecting the wall. "grillby is a clear example of that. he used to live in hotland, but then he moved in our little town when he was like twenty-something, so... yeah, he didn't learn it. we actually used to bully him for that in the bar"

Before I could respond, Papyrus entered the room with a bright smile and holding another bunch of things. Sans, naturally, seemed excited at the sight of old books. 

And, unfortunately, that was my cue to leave. 

"I must go now" I reluctantly stood up, and I swear I saw the skeletons' smiles falter. "I need to get some things done today"

"i... understand" C' mon, Sans. Don't make this hard for me. "will you come, uh, tomorrow, though?"

Will I go tomorrow, that's the question. Not like I don't want to, but... I feel pretty tired. But, again, is there a moment when I don't feel tired? 

They are both amazing friends, but... I don't know. I want to spend my days with them, I really do! But... everything's just falling apart in my life. Would it be irresponsible of me to leave all of that aside?

"I'll try to come after work" I did my best to show a bright smile. "No promises, though, as I've been doing some overtime these last days"

"okay." He returned to his casual calm expression and a wink. "just don't overwork yourself"

"I MUST AGREE!" Papyrus spoke enthusiastically... as always. "YOU NEED TO GET SOME REST ONCE IN A WHILE!"

I just nodded and gave them a hug before I left the room. Sans made the hug last a bit longer than I expected to, which isn't usual of him... but it's not like I'm against it. 

And so I started to walk in the busy streets of Ebott City, which were dark and cloudy. I couldn't tell if the clouds were formed because it will rain or by pollution. Either way, the unbearable noise of cars and people was still there. 

Today is Thursday, which means is Therapy Day™. I haven't been to therapy in... some weeks now. However! It was because of my work and the skeletons' health. I told her this and she understood, but... now I think it's time to finally go. 

No more excuses.

My feet were in automatic mode by now, as my mind was wandering through all the stuff that has happened lately. I don't think I've ever been this busy in years aside from my job. Now I have to attend meetings, talk with people, send funds, give support to the victims' families... and also work as a scientist. And it's not like I'm planning on leaving one of these activities- all of them are important to me and to everyone else. I...

I can't quit. 

And that's oddly more stressful than I thought it'd be. 

I've never been good with... satisfying people's expectations. They think I'll be something great- that I'll do something amazing for them, but... most of the time that isn't the case. I'm human, after all. I can't do miracles, therefore, I can't stop all the horrible things that are happening in our world... at least not alone. 

But to think that, even doing my best, I won't be able to give them their perfect ending... it still bothers me. I know it isn't possible to do it on my own, but I really wish I could. That way, it wouldn't be so goddamn hard. 

Before I knew it, I was already in front of the building. Taking a deep breath and checking the hour on my phone, I got inside. 

White hallways and a lot of people. Some were extremely loud and others went absolutely silent. Either way, people were going insane. 

It's weird, you know? The more the world progresses, the more problems we have. More people become unhappy each year and have to attend multiple doctors to live a normal life again. A lot of others don't actually have the courage to go to a therapist- I bet most of the depressed people in the world are hiding their feelings from anyone else. 

It's also alarming to see that now even little kids are starting to develop suicidal thoughts. Aren't we supposed to be better than before? Aren't we supposed to be going to a bright future? Because if that's the case, then why all of this is happening? Why do all of us feel that emptiness inside of our SOUL?

Mental health has a lot to do with the actual problems our society has. Depression, in recent times, is known to affect a minimum of three hundred million people in present times. Depression is also known to be hereditary, therefore, the next generations will probably have huge amounts of depressive members. Is this how we want to live?

After rambling inside of my brain, I decided to finally enter the room where my doctor is. How much time I've been in front of it? Hell if I know. 

I talked to the receptionist who immediately let me in and went to Dr. Miller, still not ready for whatever it will come. 

"D-doctor?" I mumbled. 

"Oh! Hello, (Y/N)!" She smiled at me like I was an old friend. "Take a seat, and please, feel like home!"

"Thanks, doctor" I took a seat in front of her desk. The new knot in my stomach was becoming stronger, which was overwhelming, to say the least. "How... how you been?"

"I've been pretty good, dear!" She already had a notebook and a pen in her hands. "Now, let's talk about you! What happened through the time you didn't come?"

"Oh, you have no idea" I smiled sadly. "A lot of stuff has happened... the mere fact of remembering it exhausts me"

"It's okay, missy" She offered me a sympathetic smile. "I know it isn't easy to talk about things, so I'm not going to pressure you, okay?"

"Ah... okay!"

"So... what happened the day after we had our first meeting?" Oh fuck.

"...You saw the news, Dr. Miller?" Oh boy. "On Friday, approximately at 4 pm, there was a massive shooting at Kennedy Mall..."

"Oh... yeah" Her smile faded a little. "The letter you wrote was great, though! You really know how to express yourself!"

"Heh, thanks..." I tried my best to smile. I failed. "Anyway, this wasn't the, uh... only shooting that happened that day"

"...really?"

"Y-yeah" Don't you dare cry right now, bitch. Keep yourself together. "Another one happened at this local grocery store, and... I was there"

"Oh dear" Now she wasn't smiling anymore. "Are you ok?"

"Relatively yes, but... that's not the point" Don't cry, don't cry! "I was with, uh, a couple of friends, who are monsters, and..."

"Oh... oh lord"

"...the youngest... got, uh, s-shot" Shit shit shit shit. 

"Oh my! Are they okay?!"

"Right now yes, but, uh... it really affected his brother and me"

"His brother was with you?"

"Y-yeah..." Tears were about to fall. "He was with me and... the other was in another part of the store. That's why we found him hurt after some time..."

"That... that must have been really hard to see"

"Y-yes... yes it was" A tear fell. Fuck. "And, uh, w-well... the oldest already had depression, and... well, it d-didn't hit him well..."

"Proceed, dear"

"H-he... also had drinking problems. Not too severe, but... it still was an issue. So when his younger brother wasn't waking up, he decided to forget about it with alcohol, and... he got really drunk"

"Did... did he do something, dearie?"

"He... he overdosed, dammit!" Now I was officially crying. "I... I found him unconscious in his room, a-and... I felt so scared. I... I didn't know what to do! I was shaking and crying when I realized he wasn't simply asleep. I was so... afraid that he was going to leave me, too. Both of them have been some of the best friends I've ever had, and... I wouldn't be able to bear their absence..."

"Is... is he alright?"

"He... he woke up a couple of days ago-"

"Oh, thank God!" 

"-he is really weak, though"

"Yes, it was expected... but it's a miracle he is alive! Almost no one survives an overdose! Thank God!"

"Yeah... thank God he is okay"

"Have you seen him lately?"

"I... actually saw him just before I came here"

She smiled and gave me a tissue. When I was about to take it I realized that I was shaking pretty bad. I cleaned my tears and tried to keep my cool.

"So you've gone to work?"

"Yes... I, uh, been working overtime, in fact"

"You should take a nap, my dear" She gave me a sad smile. "You seem pretty tired"

"But I can't do that, you know? I have a lot of things to get done and, uh, I can't quit. People have faith in me... I can't let them down!"

"But (Y/N)... you know what? We're going to do a little exercise" Huh?

"...okay?"

"You are going to talk to your mirror" what in the actual fuck "You are going to chat with yourself every morning- or before you start the activities of the day, considering you wake up way too early"

"...and what am I supposed to tell myself over the mirror?" This is fucking stupid. 

"You'll talk confidently and give yourself some compliments or advice. You'll get to know about you a little more each day, you'll see"

"...it sounds-"

"Stupid, I know" She laughed. "But once you've done it for a time, you'll even feel like it's a necessity!"

"...okay"

"And with that, we end our weekly session"

She gave me a warm hug as a goodbye, and after some seconds, I returned it. She recommended me to take track of the days I will be doing this "activity". 

And after some minutes, I was already on the subway... again. 

Sometimes I actually want to buy a car or even a bicycle to avoid making contact with people. But I don't have the money... less right now. I need to keep my priorities on top... 

And all monsters are now my priority. 

The subway stopped now, and so I walked to my apartment one again. It was still a cloudy day, and I was sure that it was going to rain. Anyway, it was all... quiet. 

It was silent yet calm. Calm yet lonely. Lonely yet uneasy.

I walked, as usual; each step bringing me closer to "home". I passed through several fancy stores, which made me remember how poor I am. I passed through family diners, which made me remember how aware of my loneliness I've been these days. And I passed through huge buildings, which were owned by rich men and that made me remember how unsuccessful I'll always be. 

With a sigh and the nostalgic feeling of tears, I reached the skyscraper where my apartment is located. At the very entrance, Mrs. Oborn was waiting for me... who is the owner of the property where I am living. 

Fuck. 

"Ahem" She tapped her foot in the ground impatiently. "Where's the money, sweetie?"

"I, uh..." Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. "I, uh, p-promise I'll give it t-to you tomorrow! I, uh. I just need, uh, the paycheck that they'll give to me!"

"... miss (L/N)" She smiled sweetly. Oh no. "If you, 'unexpectedly', don't pay tomorrow... you'll get kicked that same day from the place. Do you understand?"

"Y-yes, ma'am!" I was about to run upstairs and cry. "I'll pay tomorrow, I swear!"

"Good" She smirked. "Now go on and do... whatever nasty monster-stuff you do in there"

I was practically sprinting at this point towards my place. When I arrived, I immediately locked the door before me... and fell to my knees. 

I hugged myself there on the ground, not daring to get up... and to settle the depressing mood, the clouds decided to help me with some rain. Great. 

After some minutes of mumbling senseless crap, I got up and went to my "bedroom", who wasn't actually that separated from any other part of the apartment. I changed into more comfortable clothes, and instead of going to the living room, I laid on my bed. My breath, which was once accelerated, was now going pretty slow. This rhythm, this adrenaline... all of this is exhausting. Soon enough, I was falling asleep...

Until my phone started to ring. 

"HOLY-" I looked at the ID, annoyed by the noise... it was Papyrus. "Oh damn- hi Paps! What's up?"

"HELLO, DEAR (Y/N)!" He sounds cheerful... phew. "COULD YOU PLEASE MAKE SANS USE HIS LOGIC?!"

"What do you mean?"

"HE IS ASKING THAT, IF HE'S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DRINK ALCOHOL, HE WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO SMOKE!"

"Oh, okay, uh... can you please tell Sans that he's a fucking idiot?"

"WITH PLEASURE!"

"Oh, and... I didn't know Sans smoked"

"HE DOES AND IT'S AWFUL! NOT WORSE THAN HIS DRINKING HABIT... BUT IT'S STILL HORRIBLE!"

"I imagine, so... yeah, please tell him to stop being fucking reckless"

"I'M GOING TO DO SO!" After some seconds of silence, he spoke again. "ACTUALLY, I HAVE A BETTER IDEA! WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM THAT?! THAT WAY, MAYBE HE'LL UNDERSTAND!"

"...it's worth a shot. Pass the phone to him"

I just heard the noise in the background of Papyrus entering the room where Sans is, and furiously giving the phone to the short skeleton. 

"hello? who is this?"

"The sex hotline, of course" 

"nice. can i order you for dinner? i live at-"

"You disgust me, Sans" I laughed at his corny comment. "Seriously now, why are you asking about smoking?! That's fucking idiotic!"

He just laughed as well, although with not too much enthusiasm. 

"well, uh... i don't know. i still feel like something's missing"

"I'm pretty sure that cancer it's not that, buddy"

"pfffft- well, maybe not, but... i dunno. i feel like i should pick a new addiction or something to make me feel whole"

"What you need is goddamn affection, bud, not a fucking disease"

He laughed again, with more energy than before. 

"yeah... maybe it's that"

"Okay, you know what?" I stood up from my bed. "Tomorrow I'm going to goddamn hug you and try anything to make you feel better. I prefer for you to be addicted to hugs rather than drugs"

"that sounds... nice, actually" His voice magically got ten times softer. "so you are going to come tomorrow?"

"You bet I will" Even if he wasn't able to see him, I still struck a kinda-heroic pose... I'm such an idiot. "Or else I will stop calling myself (Y/N) (L/N)!"

"i would say a corny pick-up line right now... but i even i cringed when i was about to do it"

I laughed and, after some seconds, he joined me. 

"well... see ya tomorrow then, bud"

"Yeah... see ya. Tell Paps bye!"

"ok"

And with that, I hung up. 

And then I realized I was in the kitchen...

When did I make my way to here?

...oh well. It's not like it matters. 

I took a package of instant noodles and heated them up in the microwave. When it was ready to eat, I grabbed them, went to the living room, and turned on the TV. I wasn't paying attention (which it's normal for me at this point), but it was nice to sit on my couch and just eat without remembering all the issues I had to encounter the next day. 

After that, I headed to bed, and read the notifications from my phone...

Some of them were from Papyrus. 

I opened them. 

THE GREAT PAPYRUS!: HELLO (Y/N)!

THE GREAT PAPYRUS!: I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR PUTTING SANS'S FEET IN THE GROUND!

THE GREAT PAPYRUS!: I ALSO WANT TO THANK YOU FOR BEING AN AMAZING FRIEND TO THE BOTH OF US!

THE GREAT PAPYRUS!: SANS IS ACTUALLY BECOMING ATTACHED TO YOU!

THE GREAT PAPYRUS!: AND THAT'S PRETTY RARE OF HIM! CONSIDERING HE DOESN'T LIKE MAKING NEW FRIENDS!

THE GREAT PAPYRUS!: AND WELL...

THE GREAT PAPYRUS!: THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO SAY!

THE GREAT PAPYRUS!: HAVE A GREAT NIGHT! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

~

You: Aww <3

You: You don't need to thank me, Paps!

You: You are also amazing friends ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)

You: Have a great night as well!!!!! 

You: ♡〜٩( ╹▿╹ )۶〜♡

~

I put my phone away with a huge smile on my face...

Yeah...

I would never change them for anything in the world.


	34. Be yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans starts to talk bullshit... again.

*Your POV*

"SANS... I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU!"

"well, you shouldn't"

"You know we'll always worry about you, right?"

"as i said... you shouldn't"

I sighed as I closed 1984, tired of how stupid this has become. This is the fifth argument we've had this week... and it's fucking Wednesday.

It's been two months since Sans woke up. At first, it was great to see him doing well, but now... he's falling again. There are times where he wants to drink and there was a day where he even asked a nurse for a cigarette. I understand habits are hard to lose, but God... I'm losing my shit every time he says "a drink would be really good right now". 

Not only that, but he is... more negative than before, if that is possible. I know I don't qualify as an optimistic person, but compared to him, I may even be fucking Spongebob Squarepants. 

I've been trying to forget what he did, but he brings it up at least thrice a week. It's exhausting to know I'll never be able to forget this if he keeps up with this kind of shit. He is a bipolar dude who at one minute is talking about mid-life crisis and at the other is reciting the beginning of the Bee Movie.

This is a rollercoaster that I can't keep up with.

Papyrus, too, is tired of his bullshit, even if he's quiet about it. He tries to keep up his brother's mood by reading every night and bringing a ton of books each weekend. He also brings movies to the small TV the short skeleton has in his hospital room. He is a complete sweetheart... but Sans has only been an asshole lately. 

And that's why I'm pissed. 

"Can you at least try to have hope?" I sighed, rubbing my temples.

"what difference would it make?" He crossed his arms, refusing to see me straight in the eye. 

"IT'D MAKE YOUR RECOVERY A THOUSAND TIMES EASIER, BROTHER!" Papyrus nervously smiled, trying to keep up the mask he always offers his brother. 

"and what if i get better or not?" Here we go. "it's not like i'll be a recognizable writer, a respected scientist, or that i'll even graduate college! it's not like i'll offer anything good to this world!"

"Not with that attitude" I tried to smile like Papyrus did... I failed. "You need to keep up your spirit- how else do you expect to become these things? It will take time, yes, but it's not impossible!"

"and why would it matter?! frisk is going to reset anyway-"

"What the fuck do you mean by a 'reset', Sans?!" Keep your cool, (Y/N). Calm down. "If... if you could tell us what a 'reset' is, we would understand why you see life in such a miserable and sad way!"

"it's too complicated for you to understand!"

"I've seen and heard anything this world has to offer. I've lived through different kinds of pain, of laughter, and existential crisis" Keep your cool. "And if it is something I've never seen, I'll try my best to comprehend. Do you really think we are that stupid to not think for ourselves?!"

"if i explain it to you, you'll think i'm crazy!"

"Well, I think you're crazy because I don't know what the fuck you are talking about!"

"even if i say it, it wouldn't matter! you would just forget about it!"

"How are you so sure about that?!"

"because i know!"

"Do you think you know?!"

"i don't think- i do know!"

"Oh, sorry! Is there anything else that I don't know, fucking chupamedias?" [bootlicker]

"oh, so now you offend?! well listen there, you-"

"STOP!" 

We both looked at Papyrus, who didn't have any signs left of the smile he used to worn. He looked really upset, but overall... he looked broken. Truly broken. 

"I..." His voice sounds broken as well... fuck. "I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE HIDING THIS FROM US, SANS. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU, AND IF I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET THE ANSWER, THEN... I DON'T KNOW. I... I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOU, SANS! EVEN IF SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I DO! AND I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT! I HATE ME SO MUCH!"

And with that, he rushed out of the room. 

"..." He looked at me.

"..." I looked at him...

"...i'm sorry" Ha!

"Well, you should be" I exited the room as well and started to search for his brother. 

It's not like he wants me to stay there. 

"Papyrus!" I whispered-screamed a couple of times, and after some minutes of harsh research, I found him sitting outside the hospital. "...hey. Are you, uh, better?"

"UH, EH, Y-YEAH!" He weakly smiled. Nice try. 

"I know when a smile is fake, Papyrus" I sighed and took a seat next to him. "You don't need to smile all the time. Sometimes we need to cry, you know? It's not good for you to repress all your, uh, feelings"

"BUT..." He tried to keep the smile... but he simply couldn't. "IF I DON'T KEEP THE POSITIVITY, THEN WHO WILL?"

"Positivity is not always what someone needs, my friend" I approached him a bit more. "What we need is a way that we can see the future and say 'hey, that's a huge possibility', or 'well, that isn't completely impossible'. You, however, deserve to be able to express yourself as well"

"BUT I AM FINE! I AM-"

"I don't need another Sans, Paps..." I sighed and lightly touched his shoulder. "I need a Papyrus. The real Papyrus. You don't need to hide your feelings behind a smile; you are your own person"

"...BUT SANS ALWAYS TOLD ME TO DEAL MY ISSUES WITH A SMILE"

"He didn't say it literally; he just wants you to never feel like giving up and like there's no solution. To see the bright side of the darkness, you know?"

"...HEH HEH"

"...why did you chuckle?"

"I... I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO DISAGREE WITH MY BROTHER, NOT VALUE HIS ADVICE"

"C' mon, Paps" I playfully punched his arm. "I may be a bit angry with Sans right now, but that doesn't mean I hate him! I actually worry about him a lot, and consider him as one of the best friends I've ever had. Your brother's nice... and he has done a great job with you"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"Do you think I haven't noticed?" I sadly smirked. "Sans is the one who actually educates you. You are an optimistic sweetheart thanks to the education he has given to you... it would be dumb of my part to not credit him for that"

"OH... I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS THAT NOTICEABLE" He shyly smiled, which it's unusual of him. "HE IS... THE BEST BROTHER I COULD'VE ASKED FOR. HE HAS ALWAYS SUPPORTED MY DREAMS, ASPIRATIONS, AND CRAZIEST IDEAS. HE HAS WORKED VERY HARD TO GIVE ME EVERYTHING HE COULD. WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER, HE SOMETIMES DIDN'T EVEN EAT JUST SO I COULD BE COMPLETELY SATISFIED... I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO THANK HIM AS HE DESERVES"

"But now he is trying to give up... and we can't let that happen, can we?"

"I... I GUESS WE CAN'T"

"But that doesn't mean we should overwork ourselves" I finally smiled. "Hey, I have an idea- what about we get some ice cream?"

"B-BUT DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT YOU WERE LIMITED OF MONEY?"

"Priorities first"

"YOU SAID YOU HAVEN'T EVEN PAID RENT!"

"As I said- priorities first"

He smiled as well and helped me get up. We, then, started to walk to an ice cream store that is near Ebott Hospital. He was oddly quiet through the way, but that's okay. He doesn't need to be cheery all the time. 

When we arrived and already got our desserts, we sat in a small table next to a window and started to chat. 

"SO YOU SAY THAT I SHOULDN'T TRY TO BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME?" He tilted his head as he licked his vanilla ice cream. 

"Not that, but more like don't force yourself to be happy when you clearly can't" I smiled, also busy in my dessert. 

"OH... THEN IF I DON'T FEEL HAPPY, THAT'S OKAY?"

"Yep; everyone is sad once in a while"

"OH... SO, CAN I TELL YOU HOW I FEEL?" 

"Please do"

"I..." He looked outside anxiously, like if he was looking back at an old and disturbing memory. "I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR SANS. I TRY SO HARD TO HELP HIM, BUT IT'S NOT... IT'S NOT ENOUGH. IT HAS NEVER BEEN ENOUGH"

"Do you feel bad with yourself, then?"

"YEAH... I JUST WANT TO GIVE HIM THE BEST AND SEE LIFE THE WAY I DO!" He smiled sadly once again. "I MEAN, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! EVEN THOUGH WE SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE IT'S NOT WORTH TRYING, WHEN YOU DO, IT'S AN AMAZING FEELING!"

"I see... what else do you feel?"

"I FEEL SAD" He stopped smiling. "I'VE BEEN FEELING SAD FOR A WHILE. LIKE YEAH, WE ARE IN THE SURFACE! BUT SOMETIMES... SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE IT WASN'T WORTH THE COST"

"...'worth the cost', you say?"

"YES... A LOT OF MONSTERS ARE EITHER UNHAPPY OR... GONE... I DON'T THINK I'D BE ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH THIS ANY LONGER"

"I know how you're feeling- I'm pretty much having the same problems... that's why I burst out back in the hospital... is there something else you want to let out?"

"I... I WANT PEOPLE TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, (Y/N)"

"...what do you-"

"DO... DO YOU THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED?" He is about to cry, fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!- "PEOPLE SAY NICE THINGS SO I DON'T GET WORRIED. SANS EVEN DOES IT, TOO! THEY THINK THAT I SHOULD BE APART FROM THE WORLD, BUT I KNOW LIFE ISN'T AS HAPPY AS WE WOULD WANT TO! I KNOW WHEN SOMETHING'S WRONG!"

"...I'm sorry" I muttered, with a pang of guilt growing inside of me. "We just wanted you to be safe, but you're right- you don't deserve to not know what's going on. From now on... I'll tell you everything you must know"

"YOU... YOU MEAN IT?"

"Of course I do" I offered him a weak smile. "You are really smart- of course you'd understand if I have to tell you something important"

"I..." 

Papyrus started to sob gently, and so I suggested to go to his house. He quickly agreed and we started walking. 

Paps is a strong young person, as I've seen. Sans is not the only one who has suffered; they both have a troubled past and, I dare to say, mental instabilities. It's not like I'm judging, but only saying- Papy, according to what he just declared, is often desperate for being included and was taught to smile, although it was done in the wrong way. I don't blame Sans for that, either, as he only wants the best for his younger brother. 

He has been through a lot... he deserves a break. 

As we walked I noticed the multiple posters that some people have posted, protesting about the fact that schools are still not opened. It's November already, and that's triggering the parents. It's ridiculous how far the violence has gone...

But, I mean, it's also pretty fucking cold right now, so it's kind of a benefit; but hell, you can't even get out of your house without getting paranoic. 

As we arrived at his home and got greeted by Maya, he went to the living room and offered me a seat on the couch. He immediately turned on the TV and put Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows- Part 1.

"Do you, uh, want some food?" I awkwardly asked. "We can, uh, use Uber Eats, y' know?"

"YES... THAT'D BE NICE" He smiled a little. "ALTHOUGH I'D LIKE TO EAT AT THE HOSPITAL WITH SANS"

"Oh, so like order the food to come here and go to see him after that?"

"YEAH! ...DO YOU THINK HE'LL LIKE TO WATCH HARRY POTTER?"

"Why he wouldn't? We perfectly know that he loves Harry Potter"

"OH, OK!" He quickly got up. "THEN WE CAN GO AND WATCH IT WITH HIM! ...AFTER A WHILE, OF COURSE- WE'VE BARELY ARRIVED!"

"Oh, ok" I smiled and got up as well. "Then what would you like to do?"

"OH... I WAS PLANNING ON MAKING SOME COFFEE!"

"You like coffee?"

"YES! IT TASTES GOOD!"

"Your family sure has a love for coffee..."

"YUP"

I smirked and headed to the kitchen, and with curiosity, he went with me. 

"WHAT IS SO FUNNY, DEAR FRIEND (Y/N)?"

"Nah, nothing... you are just more similar to Sans than I thought"

"...YOU THINK?"

"Maybe not his laziness or apathy, but you sure have lots of stuff in common"

"WELL, IT MAKES SENSE!" He smiled brightly while starting to get everything set up. "WE'VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER SINCE I WAS BORN!"

"I mean, you are not wrong-"

"OF COURSE I AM NOT! I'M THE GREAT PAPYRUS, AFTER ALL!"

He seemed to be a lot happier compared to how he was earlier. We chat a bit while the coffee was ready... and after drinking more rounds of it and playing some rounds of UNO, we decided to finally go with Sans once again. 

"WHAT SHOULD WE ORDER?"

"Maybe Chick-fil-A?"

"NO! NOTHING INVOLVING CHICKEN!"

"...you don't like chicken?" I tilted my head.

"I'M ACTUALLY CONSIDERING BECOMING A VEGETARIAN!" He proudly said.

"Oh, that's nice! Where would you like to order food, then?"

"I WAS CONSIDERING SUMAC" He fidgeted. "I WENT THERE ONE DAY, AND I REALLY LIKED IT!"

"Okay then! Is it on Uber Eats?"

"YES, IT IS!"

I ordered, then, some food. There were luckily some non-vegetarian options, so I was able to order something Sans would probably like.

There are a lot of things I don't know about them. Thinking about it, there are a lot of things they don't know about me, either. It's weird to realize that even the smallest of details (like your diet or what clothes you like) can change the way you see a person or how your meetings will go with them from then. For example, I don't think I'll order that much fast food when I'm hanging out with Papyrus in order to respect his decisions. 

And to think that these two have a lot of things in common... it's crazy. They have way too different personalities once you meet them, but when you get to know them, they are more similar than you'd ever think. 

When the food arrived, we immediately went to the hospital. It wasn't far from their house, which it's great since it was already dark. My anxiety was about to strike in, so it was a relief when we put a foot inside the building and headed to the usual elevator. 

After a minute or two, we were greeted by the image of Sans reading 1984 again... which didn't last long. 

"oh gosh i'm sorry i shouldn't have done such a stupid thing jesus christ i'm so stupid i-"

"SHHH" Paps approached him in a hug. "IT'S OKAY, SANS. WE CAN'T FORCE YOU TO SAY ANYTHING, AFTER ALL"

"but i was a complete asshole-"

"Let's leave that in the past, ok?" I smiled. "And I'm sorry, too, for yelling at you. It wasn't the best move to make"

"...is that food?"

"Yeh" I smirked. Knew he doesn't like the hospital's food at all. "We brought you some chicken, is that ok?"

"that's..." He smiled sadly, like if he was feeling nostalgic. "that's perfect... thank you, (y/n)"

"No problem!"

And we proceeded to eat the food and watch Harry Potter, smiling and forgetting the problems of our past...

At least for a while. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sans's POV*

<>

I interrupted my writing when I heard footsteps getting closer. I put the notebook away, picked up 1984, and tried to get in the reading. My mind, however, was busy as fuck on other subjects.

Would it be a good idea to tell (Y/N) about this? Would it be a horrible mistake to keep this as a secret any longer?

I'm... I'm afraid of the possible outcomes that can come after this. Unlike the Underground, life in the Surface is completely unpredictable...

She is completely unpredictable. 

I don't know how she will react to this. I don't know if this will be better or worse for her. The only thing I know is that keeping my mouth shut is like giving Frisk the goddamn satisfaction to see me suffer. And didn't I promise myself to never let Frisk win? Wasn't my "last wish" to see her ass get kicked?

Keeping this to myself... has been the worst mistake of my life. 

And just now I realized that. 

Just now...

I heard a loud bang on the door, and when I turned my head, I saw my brother and her. 

And so I began to apologize, like the idiot I am.

"oh gosh i'm sorry i shouldn't have done such a stupid thing jesus christ i'm so stupid i-"

"SHHH" Papyrus hugged me. "IT'S OKAY, SANS. WE CAN'T FORCE YOU TO SAY ANYTHING"

"but i was a complete asshole-"

"Let's leave that in the past, ok?" (Y/N) smiled. "And I'm sorry, too, for yelling at you. It wasn't the best move to make"

"...is that food?" I asked, pointing at the bags she was carrying. 

"Yeh" She smirked. She probably knows by now that I don't like the hospital's food at all. "We brought you some chicken, ok?"

"that's..." I smiled. God bless her. "that's perfect... thank you, (y/n)"

"No problem!"

Papyrus, then, proceeded to put Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows- Part 1 on the TV while we were eating. The movie was great, as always, and it clearly made us all feel better. I, however, was still worried about certain things...

If I am going to tell (Y/N) about this, should I also tell Alphys? I've known her longer, and she has experimented with DETERMINATION before, so she could also know... but at the same time, there are more probabilities that she will take it wrong, and worse, that Undyne gets to know about this. 

Now, it's not like I don't trust Undyne, but one time I told her something and even Papyrus ended up knowing about it (I don't even remember what I told her, but that isn't the case). 

But... would it be that bad to let her know? Would it be so horribly wrong to let everybody know about this?

...yeah, it probably will be bad. 

I should just tell (Y/N) about it, then. 

Five minutes after the movie and the food were over, Undyne and Alphys came over and took Papyrus with them. According to them, they were going to have "The Ultimate Sleepover"... whatever that means. 

That just left (Y/N) and me alone in the room...

Of course, we wouldn't do something "exciting"- I wasn't even able to walk properly, less to do some kinky stuff with her. 

Also, it's not like one of us wants to do so. 

But returning to the topic, it was the perfect time to tell her about-

"Well... I should go now, don't I?" She awkwardly chuckled while cleaning up the room. 

"actually..." Don't be a coward now, Sans. "i wanted to talk with you about something"

"Huh?" She stopped cleaning. "And what do you want to talk about?"

"i..."

"i want to tell you about the resets"


	35. Truth punching you in the face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything starts to make sense. [Also, this is how long I've updated in Wattpad, so you'll have to wait for the next chapter... a lot of time. Actually, no- it won't take a month, I promise]

*Sans's POV*

"So what you're telling me is that the multiple timeline theory exists and it's closer to us than we ever thought?"

So far, she's been really understanding the general idea of what a "reset" is. She is breathing just fine, not questioning her existence, and not looking at me like I'm crazy. And that's a huge win, you know? You can't tell these things to anyone. It was mere luck that she has studied a lot of science over her life, as I've noticed throughout the whole conversation we've been having. 

And based on how many things she actually knows, maybe a logical explanation it's not that far away.

"so you guys have a theory based on this?"

"Dude, we have theories for EVERYTHING" She smiled as she continued to research on her computer. "However, I haven't read anything that sounds like your experience... you were saying that Frisk is responsible for this, weren't you?"

"not frisk herself, but more like the most 'determined' person in the underground. there was a time where flowey had the ability to 'reset' as well, but when she came along, he totally lost this huge power"

"And do you know who had this before Flowey?"

"i, uh, actually don't know. but according to what we've been talking about, there has to be an antecedent of such powerful abilities, am i right?"

"You're absolutely right, my friend"

"but we'll get into that later- what is this theory about?"

"You see..." She was now looking at me. "The multiple timeline theory, also known as the multiverse theory, has a ton of explanations behind it, just like any scientific theory. However, based on what you've been telling me for the past three hours, there are a few explanations that come to my mind... do you have a pen? And a notebook, perhaps?"

"i think i have one...-" I said, immediately searching it. This is getting better. "-here!"

"Nice" She hummed and started to write down lots of things. After a while, she looks back at me and starts to explain. "Okay, so we have three theories that seem to be alike yours: the infinite universes theory, the daughter universes theory, and the quantum multiverse"

"so you humans agree completely with there being multiple timelines?"

"Not everyone, which it's not unexpected, but a lot of us agree that this world has infinite possible outcomes and, therefore, multiple timelines showing the results of every decision we make. As crazy as it may sound, like you said, we don't know how big the Universe is. It may be infinite or may even have a limit- the thing is that we'll never be able to know this exactly".

"and what makes you think that?"

"You see, in order to know if it's infinite or not, we would have to search a lot. However, it's a risk to conclude that the Universe is indeed infinite, as the limits can be way out of our range, but not unexistent. With this being said, bud, we don't know how many possible outcomes can occur after every single decision a living being makes. There has to be a parallel world, for example, where the Holocaust never happened. There can be another where World War III it's something real, and another in which it's barely starting. Hell, there could even be a reality in which you are a human and I am monster, in which the war never happened, or that you guys haven't been set free yet. The possibilities are endless, the answer is unreachable, and that just brings us to another point..."

"...which is?"

"Why do you know about this?" She looked seriously at me, like if she was seeing directly through my soul. I felt a shiver down my spine but didn't say anything. "How do you know about this?"

"i-"

"I understand that Frisk and Flowey know about the resets and remember the past timelines they were involved with because they had the power at least once... but according to what you said, you've never possessed that ability. How do you remember, then?"

"...i don't know" I sighed. "but it's been really rough. it's not easy to see them do whatever they want and... get away with it. just be able to watch, but not to stop them. and less if i am... like this-"

"Like what, Sans?"

"like... this weak. i've never been a strong monster. you probably know by now that i have one of hp, one of defense, and... one of attack. when i was a kid, gaster used to tell me this very often. he did whatever he could to make me stronger, but... it never worked. and that, as well, has messed up with me a lot. that's why i... got away from him- because i knew that i would never be able to be what he wants me to be"

"...Sans" She sat next to me, resting her arm on my shoulder. "You don't need to live up to anyone's expectations, you just need to be you... are you sure you want to continue talking about this? I already knew you've been through a lot, but this is just... overwhelming"

"i need to know the truth, (y/n)" I grabbed her hand tightly while making eye contact with her. "why is this happening? why do i get to remember? how can i stop them?"

"...Okay, listen up" She grabbed the notebook once again and started to write some things. "Who have you analyzed the most? Flowey or Frisk?"

"i... i think i know enough about the two of them, but i probably have more knowledge about frisk"

"I see." She wrote other stuff down. "Do you have any notes from your past self? Like, anything about what happened at all those past timelines you've been through?"

"i... i actually have a book where i used to write it all over, you know?" I chuckled. "but i think it's in..."

Wait...

No. 

NO. 

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO.

"...fuck"

"Sans?"

"i fucked up"

"What do you mean you fucked up? You didn't do-"

"the book is in my house. if gaster finds it, he will-"

"He will what, Sans?!"

"...he will know what i know"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Gaster's POV*

It's been a couple of months since Sans got angry and stopped living in this house. I don't know if Papyrus comes here once in a while but, honestly, I couldn't care less. He went to live with (Y/N), and according to what she has said, they are completely okay, so I shouldn't worry about them at all.

It's been some months of hard work. I've noticed the ambassador has stayed overtime, which it's kind of... pathetic. She's probably broke or something, and since she is a young woman, she probably wastes that money on some dumb shit. Her fault she's not responsible enough. 

Anyway, since I've been working the hours I have to (unlike her), it has been pretty damn good. Also, I've been spending that free time on my dear wife Arial. We sometimes go bowling, play pool, golf, or stay home and watch a movie- she's the only person I cherish in my life. If it wasn't for her...

Those two would be out of my view by now. 

But hey, not everything is bad about them! Papyrus used to cook dinner, Sans is completely paying the house with the money he got from the Underground, and... I have this book. 

"Memories of a different me"

Heh. His writing is pretty good- I mean, to be him. But it's also pretty... intriguing. Not sure if it's a science fiction book or something (he's way too obsessed with that nerdy crap... kind of my fault at first, I guess), or if it's the reality seen on his point of view. I mean, I've been speculating that he is a schizo, but I can't really confirm that, so it has some probabilities that it is part of the real world. 

Either way... it's interesting to see how it's written in his point of view. 

Maybe he wants to say something through this book...

Perhaps those feelings he doesn't have the guts to talk about?

Those things that make him a mentally ill coward?

But it doesn't really matter, does it? I've only read the first chapter, after all...

Time to read the second one.

I grabbed the book and opened it where I left it. It's been a long time, so why not give me some time? It's late at night, my wife is asleep, and they're probably having fun at her apartment. Hell, maybe Sans and she are taking things to a "different level". They would totally do that- they're young and stupid, living "life at its maximum".

Well, here it goes.

<>

Before I could continue reading, I heard someone unlocking the main door. 

"Who the fUCK IS-" I whispered-scream, only to reveal (Y/N). "...(Y/N)?"

"Ah, uh- hello Dr. Gaster!" She awkwardly greeted me. "How you've been doing?"

"...what are you doing here?" I closed the book. "And why do you have keys to my house?"

"Papyrus gave me a copy to, uh, security purposes" She smiled. "Anyway, I just came in to check how's the house, and-"

"Why would you come here to check the house?!"

"-...in case you haven't noticed, I've been checking the house these last days. Papyrus says that you sometimes don't stay here, so yeah, I try my best to check if everything's fine"

"Well, it is fine, so now you should-"

"Also, there was this robbery in this shop near your house, so I really wanted to make sure everything is okay, and-"

"-everything is okay, miss" I groaned. "And now that you've ensured that, well... you can go and have fun with Sans tonight and-"

"W-what are you even talking about?"

"C'mon" I smirked. "You and Sans in your apartment at night without doing anything weird? You guys are messed-up teenagers; you two obviously would do something as cringy as fucking in a-"

Before I could finish my sentence, I felt something hit my face...

Then everything went black.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have-

I held the book fiercely and made my way to the hospital, resisting the urge to start running. I, uh, normally don't tend to use violence, but...

He really got on my nerves.

No one, and I mean no one, has the right to... tell such things about me as if he was talking of some whore.

I've fought so hard to keep a respectable reputation, just for him to come here and basically call me a desperate slut. 

Besides, I only punched him on the face, so...

He should be fine. 

...

Yeah. 

The hospital was luckily close to their house. I arrived there, took the elevator, and went to Sans's room. He, somehow, wasn't asleep yet... and I say that because it was two in the morning. 

"oh, uh... any luck?"

"It's called 'Memories of a-"

"'memories of a different me', yes... ignore the title"

"Nah, I like the title. I would buy it, that's for sure"

"a-ah... thanks"

"You are welcome" I smiled and sat next to him, as he started to reread his own book. "So you have what you need?"

"yep... but i need you to promise me something"

"Ok then, uh, what is it?"

"..." He looked at me, like if he was searching for something. "promise me you won't tell anyone about this"

"I pro-"

"not even papyrus"

"-...I promise I won't"

"...good" He smiled back at me. "now before we get to read my whole life, let's talk about those theories you mentioned"

"Sure thing! I just... need the notebook back"

He looked at me, blinked a few times, then came to the realization that he kept it. 

"oh, uh, s-sorry"

"It's okay" I mumbled and started to write some things, according to what I remember seeing in school and what I just read. "So, which one do you want to know about first?"

"the daughter universes theory sounds... weird"

"It sounds weird, but believe me is easy to understand" I chuckled. "This theory says that, for every decision you make, there should be a range of universes showing the possible outcomes of that decision. Let's say, for example, that you decide to... punch your father in the face, yeah. There are some universes where he fights back, some others where he blacks out, some in which you didn't even hit him, etcetera"

"huh... well, that's one way to put it" He nodded. "talking about my father, was he there?"

"Uh, yeah" Shit shit shit shit

"he didn't treat you bad, did he?"

"...your father's an asshole, I'm not going to lie" I scoffed. "But nothing I can't handle"

"good" He seemed relieved... "and what about the infinite universes theory?"

"I think that this one's the less accurate" I admitted. "But it can be right in some aspects. It says that the space-time has a... flat shape, I think, and that it goes on forever. Obviously, if it goes forever, a lot of universes are in there. But if we think about it... each type of universe would be repeated at some point, because we both know that particles have a limit on how many ways they can be put"

"so you are implying that universes, indeed, repeat themselves, and all of this could have already happened?"

"Yes... unless someone has control over it" I chew the pen, thinking. "Which it's the case of Frisk"

"...so the universes would repeat themselves, but since she has control over them, she decides if they repeat or not"

"Exactly"

"that also sounds logical, y' know?" He hummed. "and the quantum multiverse?"

"Uh, well... that one is pretty simple. It's just that a new universe is created when a diversion in events happen. You said that Frisk took some different decisions and that affected the outcomes of the 'ending', so that's why I thought that theory may help"

"and it does- those three have pretty much everything we need, except..."

"...except the fact that none of them says that one person has the ability to control them, right?" He silently nodded, not putting his eyes (?) away from my notes. "It's crazy to think that a 12 years-old has control over life as we know it... but if she has it, why she didn't reset when the attack at the mall happened?"

"well, that's something that i can somehow explain" I heard a slight hint of anger in his voice. "you see... frisk it's not who you think"

"What has she done?"

"...we'll see in the book, ok?" 

"Sure, then let's-"

"not before taking a break, of course." He looked at the clock of the hospital. "it's 3 am now, bud. you should go to sleep"

"...yeah" I sighed and closed the notebook. "I should now get going, then-"

"wait, are you serious?" He looked at me now, confused. "it's 3 am on a saturday night- horribly dangerous for you"

"...so you are saying that I should stay?"

"i mean- it's better, y' know?"

...well. 

This doesn't mean I'm a whore, anyway. 

"Ok then... I'll sleep on those chairs or something"

"nice"

I tried my best to make a "bed" with the chairs so I could fit in as comfortable as possible, borrowing a blanket that Sans gave me (for some reason his bed had more than two blankets, so...)

I checked my phone one last time, answered some messages, and turned off the lights of the room. 

"'night kid... you don't have work tomorrow, do you?"

"I'm free tomorrow, yes... and goodnight for you as well"

And just like that, I let my mind get lost in the darkness, wondering if I really want to know the truth...

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Arial's POV*

I woke up in the middle of the night due to a weird feeling in my chest. With deep breaths and slow steps, I got out of my bed and walked into the living room. My husband was there, sleeping in the chair with his face on the table. He looked like he hurt himself with something, but since I was tired, it was probably my head messing with me. 

I went to the kitchen and made some coffee. The house has been really quiet these last days, with Sans and Papyrus never coming. I've been spending more time with Gaster, then, but...

I don't know. 

I feel like something's not right. 

(Y/N) said that they are fine and are staying in her apartment, but I have a slight feeling that Sans wouldn't do such a thing. We've been in the house back in the Underground, and even if he got mad at us, he wouldn't leave the house. Less leave it for months. 

This is so unlike him. And (Y/N) has been acting a little bit out of place, too. She hangs out with me a couple of times, and every time I ask her about how my boys are, she gives me a straight answer and quickly changes the topic. 

I know that Sans lies a lot, but I don't see her as a liar...

But I can't worry about that now, can I? Sans is already an adult and Papyrus is a young teenager. They... they don't need me anymore...

They need her more than they need me, apparently. 

But how to blame them? She's been pretty nice to all of us, and from what I know, she's close to my two child- sons... she is way better than I am. 

...

On nights like this one, I start to wonder if I did the right thing. I got pregnant at 16, left Sans under the care of Lily, and years later with the responsibility of taking care of Papyrus. I've never been there for them, and even if I spend time with Gaster... sometimes I feel like I only stayed with him because of my pregnancy. Maybe that's why he didn't want me to abort- because he wanted me to... to depend on him. 

And now all of them have moved on, but I'm still here... living on the fantasy of a perfect family. Sans is not okay, Papyrus has to deal with that, and Gaster hates both of them as if there was no tomorrow. The only thing I can do now is to enjoy myself- but how can I enjoy myself if I don't even know who I am?

I... I just wish I was a better person. Both of my boys are wonderful people, and I wasted the opportunity to be a part of their journey. 

I bet it would have been so beautiful to see them being all nerdy over some stuff. I know they play this game called "Dungeons N' Dragons" or something like that. I wish I was a part of it... but I am not. And she, on the other hand, it's a part of their lives. 

She is their friend. 

And I am nothing but a failure of a mother. 

I finished my coffee and went to my room again. Maybe I should start sleeping in another room since Gaster's presence just... makes me feel uneasy. Like I'm not meant to be here...

Maybe I'm not. 

Without thinking much, I sent a message to (Y/N)...

You: Hello dear!

You: How are you guys?

~

The Ambassador: We are great!

The Ambassador: Papyrus went to a sleepover with Undyne, and Sans it's probably asleep by now

The Ambassador: How are you?  
~

What should I tell her?

You: Oh, I've been great as well!

You: You don't need to worry about me

You: I'm just glad you are having fun

You: Anyway, uh...  
~

I tried to bit my lip, but I remembered that I don't have lips. Before I turned off my phone, I decided to give her a final text. 

You: Do you know if Sans is still mad?  
~

Before I could see if she responded, I turned it off and put it as far from me as I could. I wrapped myself in the blankets, and before I could be strong enough, tears started to pour down my eye sockets. 

Yes, I know...

I'm a terrible mother.


	36. You're not trying hard enough.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything hurts and at the same time, it doesn't. You don't even know why you're here.

*Sans's POV*

"What do you mean he can't stay here anymore?! It's been barely two months, he's still not stable!"

"YEAH! MY BROTHER STILL NEEDS SOME TIME TO RECOVER! HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE MAGIC WITHOUT GETTING HURT! YOU CAN'T KICK HIM OUT LIKE THAT!"

"You must understand that I do this for his own good. He's just not getting better in here, so you should start-"

"But not other hospitals will accept him! This is the only safe place for us- for him! Do you have a better idea?!"

"Well, if you would let me finish, Miss (L/N), maybe I-!"

That was enough for me. 

I've brought to the ones I care about nothing but problems. Problems that I should be able to take care of myself. I still don't know why I tried to end it all. It was a stupid impulse that has done a lot of harm... I never thought that I'd fail once again at killing myself. 

I never thought she would look out for me after I shouted at her. 

...

This is so confusing. 

Part of me wants to believe that life won't be so bad in the future, but another part can't help but look at all the humans that have done us harm. It's so awful and frustrating to think that the Surface is even worse than living in the Underground. We wanted to reach for the stars, but all we gained was chaos and our dust being sparsed once again. 

Another war is going to happen, I just know it. According to what (Y/N)'s been telling me, schools haven't opened, protests are happening, and she can't even control what the hell is going on with my friends and... family. 

Gaster and Arial don't know where I really am, I haven't joked with Toriel for months, Frisk is probably still planning a way to make us suffer, and... and Papyrus has to be here for me. 

I don't want him to be here for me- I was supposed to be the one protecting him and telling him everything will be fine! Why am I so weak now?! Why I'm never able to protect him from death and having horrible trauma?! WHY AM I LIKE THIS?! WHY DO I-?!

"Sans...?" (Y/N) arrived at my door, dark eyebags on her face and the light of her eyes even dimmer than I remembered. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"if it's about me going to another hospital forget about it- i don't want to hear it"

"...it's not about that" She looked at her feet, refusing to make eye contact once again. "I want to talk with you about everything it's happening right now. I think you should know, and-"

"is there more things that i don't know about?"

"...yes." She sighed. "There's a lot going on. I just... didn't want to tell you yesterday, and-"

"why would you hide more things?" I don't like this at all.

"Because I don't want to worry any of you! Even if you have all the right to be worried, you don't have to!"

"that's just stupid! it's no secret to anyone that a war it's going to happen!"

"Who told you that?!"

"i did!"

"Then you are-!" She stopped herself from calling me multiple names. She would have probably called me an "idiot", "stupid", a "lamebotas" [chupamedias], or simply a bitch. But that didn't matter, as she didn't tell me anything for some good five minutes... until I noticed she was trembling a little bit.

"hey... what's-"

"Sans. Things are not getting better, and they probably won't any time soon. I don't want another war to happen, so I'll do what I can as a simple human to stop it... but you need to understand that I can't do everything. I'd do anything to let you live at peace, really, but I simply can't... that's why I want to talk to you. To let you know what's happening and what happened this morning besides what you heard..."

"...what do you mean?"

"Pal, I..." She coughed, trying to focus and somehow dismiss the tension between us. Obviously, it didn't work. "Asgore's not doing well. He's been awfully stressed that he made himself so sick that he's now in this hospital as well. We all been having nightmares, we all are working so hard to make this function, but the world's against us. This morning, an attack happened at another grocery store, and... Alphys got hurt. She is awake and conscious now, but still... she was the one helping you get better, and now she can't (and it's not her fault), so... you need to know that the only viable option is Toriel-"

"toriel?!" I almost fell out of the bed. "i can't let her know i've been going through this! if frisk gets to know about it, i won't hear the end of it! she'll mock me for eternity!"

"It's the only way! If she doesn't come, you won't get better! You won't even be able to get out of bed and live normally ever in your life!"

"...i'll think about it" I finally sighed. I'm not winning against her, anyway.

"...You know I'm doing this for your own good, right?" She frowned. "I don't want you to lay in bed all your life"

"...i know" I forced a smile. "thanks"

She left the room, obviously unconvinced and unsatisfied. She knows when I lie and when I still feel like shit and... I don't like it. 

I really don't like it. 

In an act of anger, I tried to summon a single bone attack, but my head hurt horribly before being able to do so. I groaned and hit the bed, torn apart a book, and ultimately lay in bed with a frown as I realize what I've put myself into. 

Now I'm even more useless. 

I depend on others. 

People have to look for me and ask if I'm okay now. 

...

I wish I didn't drink that day- that was so fucking stupid. I should have known better, yet here I am. Now I'm even more of a burden, and I can't even call myself a monster anymore. 

I'm nothing. 

...

Why did I do this to myself? 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Flowey's POV*

I looked at the newspaper once again, trying to register what the fuck's been going on in the city. I'd say that I don't care about any of that, that Frisk is going to reset anyways, but... a part of me knows that she isn't going to do so. She's too selfish to actually give a fuck about any of us... and that means that she doesn't care about me, either. 

And I mean, I kind of expected it, but as I look back at the past timelines I realize she's even worse than I am- and that's truly something, coming from me. 

I've been hanging out at Asgore's house a lot these days- don't know why, I just felt like it. He's been so stressed and sad that he is not trying to have hope anymore. 

Now he's in the hospital, his soul badly damaged and so his magic. 

I don't know why, but this somehow hurts me more than seeing him being killed by my own hands (or roots... whatever). 

He is destroying himself, and... I just feel bad for him and I don't know why. 

Maybe my inner Asriel is coming out because of all these tragedies. 

I'd normally be so angry about this, but now... Now I can't help but be worried. 

I haven't seen Papyrus nor Sans in ages, Undyne has lost her goofy determination, Alphys is even more anxious, and even Toriel has lost the smile on her face. 

This isn't a joke anymore- it was never a joke!

...

...but why Frisk hasn't reset, then?

Is she really that evil? 

...

She really doesn't care about us, does she? 

What would have Chara think? I should have listened to them- humanity is awful and will never accept us. Maybe I should have tried harder to kill Frisk on the spot instead of being so reckless and compassionate towards her. 

Now all monster-kind is going to die and I can't do anything about it! Frisk is the only one who can but refuses to! Why humans aren't doing shit for us?! What did we do wrong?!

...

I haven't seen (Y/N) in a while, either. 

Rumors say that she's been overworking herself and it's on the edge- she's trying so hard as our ambassador to heal our wounds and avoid fights at all costs...

But she's the only one ACTing, so that's why anything has barely changed. 

War is inescapable. 

...

I got out of the house and started to quickly search for her. I've been to the city so many times by now that I can identify the street where she lives in. The address of her home is not a secret to any of us, so I've visited her apartment multiple times (with her consent) even if she isn't there. 

This time, however, I was really hoping I could find her. 

I went to the place she works on, to Ebott Hospital, to that damn university and I didn't find anything. She was nowhere to be seen and I was even panicking. 

That, until I went to that laundry store she always goes to and found her staring inside the washing machine. 

"...what are you doing?" She almost jumped when she heard my voice. 

"Oh, hi Flowey" She anxiously laughed. "How's it going?"

"What do you mean?! Everything's been fucked up! How do you expect me to be?!"

"Uhhhhhhh... just fine?"

"WHAT THE FUCK (Y/N)?!"

"I'm sorry! I just thought you still were a soulless flower!"

"How do you know I have no soul?"

"I figured"

I sighed and she continued to silently watch her clothes being washed. I've been visiting her as well these last days, so we're kind of used to each other's company. We chat a little bit before she goes to sleep... but she never says anything different or extraordinary. She only complains about Gaster being an asshole to her, how tired she is, and how she wished that things could be better. It's not like she can talk about anything else, anyway. 

Still, it's weird that she doesn't talk about her family or her hobbies- she surely has some, I'm sure of it. 

Then why she doesn't?

"Are you okay?" I bluntly asked, which left her a bit... amused, I think? I'm still not good at identifying emotions.

"...I'd like to say 'yes', but wouldn't that be ironic and inappropriate?" She smirked. "But really, I think I could be a thousand times better"

"I mean, that's understandable, but... that doesn't mean you should keep more secrets"

"Believe me, I'm not an interesting person at all" She tried her best to smile. "My family hates me and my life is monotone- you could talk with a wall and have more fun"

"...what do you mean your family hates you?"

"What I said" She wasn't even trying to hide her discontent anymore. "I don't even want to remember them- I left them and they left me, and there's nothing I can do about it now. My only family now is Miranda and Miriam"

"Your best friend and her daughter?"

"Exactly"

"...that's fucked up"

"It is"

"I used to have a family too, y' know?" What are you doing? "They were nice... but some kid's play took that away from me"

"...I have the suspicion they weren't flowers like you"

Wait how does she-

"...(Y/N)" Why am I trembling? Why does it feel so weird to ask her about how much she knows?

...

What if she isn't the (Y/N) we know?

"...yeah?"

"How much do you know about us?"

"...I-"

BANG! 

...

Not again. 

"Shit-" (Y/N) muttered as we heard the screams coming from outside. "Question time's over pal, we gotta get out of here"

"...how are you so calm about all of this?"

"Who said I was calm?"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Frisk's POV*

Incidents are happening all over the city. I can't do anything to control them, I can't do anything to save them, I can't-

...

I'm not trying hard enough. 

Every day that an attack happens I write it down on my journal, trying to describe it as best as I can. One day I'll find the way to reset, and for this to not happen again, I need to make notes and follow them. 

So far, it's been hard to decipher what made all of this happen. 

(Y/N) as an ambassador surely isn't something that triggered these events- the only reasonable assumption is that the first attacker had some sort of relationship with her and that their revenge is hurting what she's defending. This, however, doesn't make sense, as she has pretty much stated that she never had a significant other. 

She hasn't talked about her family, which could be one of the major triggers, but it's highly improbable. There must be a reason why she doesn't touch the subject... but it makes kind of sense, as we haven't probably asked her. 

And just like that, I realized something crucial. I accidentally broke the pen I was writing with, and the page had a little bit of spilled ink...

Still, I continued to write. 

(Y/N)'s a mystery. 

She is hiding so many things from us and, still, she gets to have our trust. 

She isn't planning anything sadistic as I have- is just not in her, I can surely feel it. Too awkward to even kill a butterfly. 

But if she isn't planning something bad, what is she doing?

Maybe she is just reserved, yes, but after knowing us for so many months and going through a mid-life crisis, some of her personal life would have been revealed by now. 

Maybe she masters the ability to hide from other people- which could make sense, considering she has horrible emotional stability. 

She is pretty good lying to us and to herself, which makes me wonder... how many things that she has said are true? Sometimes I can see the genuineness in her eyes, but other times she is so tired that she doesn't look directly to us. Not to mention that, again, she's truly awkward. 

...

This isn't going anywhere, is it?

I can't understand this at all. 

I groaned as I look at my surroundings. I'm at the True Lab, back in the Underground, so anyone can't find me. The Amalgamates are gone, so it really isn't something to worry about. Still, I'm not going to find the truth in a place like this. 

...

And to be honest, I really don't know what I am trying to find. 

Before I did this timeline, I got to see... predictions. Predictions on how the world was going to turn out- which until now makes sense, except for one thing...

(Y/N) wasn't in them. 

I now remember all of those soon-to-be-created memories.

The attacks, the blood, the dust... all of those things were there. 

But she wasn't. 

She was never mentioned, never seen, never nothing. 

Maybe she is the anomaly now, instead of me. 

Or maybe...

I was seeing what (Y/N) will see, and I AM the anomaly.

...

This is so bad. 

This is REALLY bad. 

I can't do anything to find whatever the fuck is happening, and how much this is affecting us- affecting me. 

I want to ask Sans for help, but I don't know where he is...

...

The predictions said that Sans would be dead by now. 

But with her, things have changed- the whole timeline that was proposed to me has changed thanks to her. 

Things are not going to get better and she knows that.

...

She has more power than I do, but I don't know how or why...

...

I need to find the truth. 

The only reason she isn't there has to be more obvious than I think it is.

I just need to try harder. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Your POV*

Things are not doing well. 

Another attack just happened before my eyes, and I don't know how to take it anymore. 

This is driving me insane. 

The fact that I have to justify my actions as an ambassador and that everyone expects me to solve this catastrophe is fucking exhausting. I can't even look at the mirror and wonder if I'm good enough for myself. 

Sans gets madder with me every day, Papyrus is losing hope, Toriel keeps calling me saying that she had another nightmare involving the Underground, Undyne shouted at me because of the thing that happened to Alphys, and Flowey is somehow recovering his emotions. 

I don't know what I can do anymore- I can't end wars. 

...

I can't even end the one inside my head. 

I try to close myself from them so I can look at monsters as my clients and not as my friends but is practically impossible for me to do so. I need to be more rational. 

I need to follow my mother's advice. 

"Stop feeling and start thinking"

I've not been able to keep up with all the things happening around me. Before I can register what happened the day before, Papyrus is telling me that Sans is thinking negatively again...

I was about to find out the truth about Sans's emotional problems yesterday, but now I can't stop and do that. 

It would be foolish for me to do try to make my life a Gravity Falls chapter instead of working in what is really happening. 

I want to help Sans and to know about multiple timelines since I'm a curious scientist, but I can't. 

I can't do that. 

I need to keep my mind focused on solving all this shit...

...

But I can't focus. 

How am I supposed to focus? What is the answer to this riddle that each day is killing more people? I'm the one who should know, but I don't! 

...

I've gone to a lot of meetings with multiple politicians. The only logical suggestion for them is to make monsters return to the Underground, and I hate to admit it, but it is the best option at the moment. 

Not only that attacks would cease, but also that no monsters will be harmed anymore. 

But how to say this to Asgore? To Toriel? To Papyrus?

...

How to say this to Sans?

He'll go mad and I won't hear the end of it. He's been pretty unstable lately and this is the last thing he would like to listen to. 

But I don't know what to do- what should I do?!

As I always lay in bed and think of all the dust and blood on the floor, I can't help but wonder...

Is this my fault?

...

My legs automatically started to walk towards Ebott Hospital. I've been there so many times that it's kind of my second home now, even if I don't like it. 

The place always leaves me with an uneasy feeling, and I don't know if it is because of the overwhelming whiteness or the many things I've seen in there. 

Either way, I went to Sans's room once again to see how he was doing. 

He was awake, as always at this time of the night (1 am), and looked at me once I entered. 

"hey, uh... sorry for reacting so bad all the time" He sadly smiled. "i know you've been through a lot, and it's kind of selfish from my part to refuse everything you can offer in such... difficult times"

"Don't apologize" I sighed. "I know it's hard to assimilate how many things are going on. Not even I can keep up with all of them"

"heh, i know..." He chuckled. He then looked at the book he wrote by himself, full of the notes about the past timelines. Also known as "the book I stole from Gaster by punching him in the face". "hey, do you want to, uh... read this thing? i know it's not the best time to do so, but uh..."

I promised myself I would keep myself focused on work. That I wouldn't put myself on some weird mystery when all the world around me is collapsing. 

But at that moment, I couldn't care less about all of that. 

"Sure thing" I sat next to him. "Let's find the truth".


	37. Get your hopes up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read between the lines.

*Your POV*

'Chapter ???: Genocide.

Frisk's face had been emptier than usual. She's not necessarily expressive, but at that moment she looked like she was hiding from something that was causing her pain or regret, which made her not even talk at all. She, as well, didn't laugh when I pulled my casual trick on her, and that left me dumbfounded, to say the least. 

I thought it was nothing- maybe messing up with the timelines was getting rougher every time, so she was now exhausted and just doing whatever...

...

I was wrong. 

It didn't take me long to catch up with what was happening, as the dust in her hands and clothes was becoming more evident as time passed by. Not only that, but she seemed to pay more attention to the weapons available in each area.

Alphys, Undyne and I tried our best to evacuate the zone, but we were late, as too many people had died already. The whiteness of Snowdin wasn't only snow anymore, and the mere thought of that depressed me. 

It was only when she killed Papyrus that I truly understood the severity of the problem. I am already aware that she is a manipulative god- the universe is at the tip of her fingers. 

This, however, made me realize that she was becoming something that I've feared before but shook it away. 

She is curious. 

She is bored. 

Therefore, thanks to her power, she'll do anything to get rid of that boredom and discover every millimeter of this lonely and depressing place. And that means that she'll try killing everyone and no one, so she will have more knowledge about timelines than any human or monster- the ability to reset time is dangerous, and I don't know why this was given to a teenager. 

And even though she'll get rid of timelines, I'll never be able to forget the red scarf that stood in the middle of the white snow. 

This is the first thing my brother and I were able to do with our own money. 

This is the last thing I'll have from him. 

Now I'm writing this before I get to fight Frisk on the Judgment Hall. I'll like to refer to it as the Last Corridor, as this was normally the place where I would give her advice before reaching the barrier. 

But in this case, things will be different. 

She won't reach the Surface. 

She won't reach the Barrier.

She won't kill me. 

And she won't kill him again'

Sans fell asleep when we were reading the first chapter of his book. Ever since then, I've been processing some of the information on my own, although I skipped a few chapters once I realized that the consequences don't have a logical/chronological order. 

The title of the chapter is what kept me focused enough to finish reading.

This would be a pretty badass sci-fi novel if it wasn't real. But knowing that this is something that Sans went through, and even had to write about it so he won't be taken as insane, makes it more similar to a horror book. 

No one said that knowing about the multiverse would be pretty, but I never really thought that Frisk would kill out of curiosity and boredom- just to see how it feels to be a murderer and don't have to deal with the possible outcomes.

Flowey, as well, had this power before (according to Sans's notes). 

Also...

He seems to have the consciousness of Asriel Dreemurr, biological children of the rulers of the Underground that had a tragic death when he was about ten years old.

He somehow revived in the form of a flower due to an experiment with DETERMINATION, the strongest trait in existence. 

This flower, apparently, was influenced by the dust of the prince and this powerful substance, which in a way created something that no human has been able to do- artificial life. Not only that, but it actually made someone come back from death and gave them the ability to keep their past memories as if they happened yesterday. 

Obviously interesting from a scientific point of view, but if I look at it as a person... it's horribly sadistic and can go wrong in so many ways. The one who made this experiment was Alphys, so maybe I can ask her about it someday, but the topic sounds way too personal and could trigger some unpleasant memories. 

Same goes to Flowey- we may have more confidence with each other, but this would be insanely alarming and uncomfortable for him. Besides, based on that he is a flower now and that he's relearning how to feel, conflicted emotions could lead to terrible mistakes. 

I closed the book, put a bookmark on when Sans and I stopped reading, and then left the room. 4 am, still dark outside and the hallway awfully quiet. Insomnia wasn't helping me think, yet it's all I have now...

I haven't slept well in forever... this night wasn't the exception. 

Endless job schedules, overwhelming discussions, a couple of mental breakdowns and insomnia- the recipe for an imperfect mess. 

It isn't a lie when people say that you think better well-rested, especially if anyone looks at me. I'm the most obvious example of what can happen to you if you don't sleep enough (and I ain't pretty so yeah... don't do it). 

I've been trying to sleep a decent amount, but my best score is an hour and fifteen minutes. I don't know how I'm still able to walk...

I'm not proud of what I am now nor the habits I've acquired throughout the years. Maybe if I was more stable, I'd be able to solve this problem...

Maybe. 

I know people go through rough stuff at one time or another- life is hard and all of that depressive monologue. But I just constantly feel like I will never progress and climb out of the hole I'm in right now. 

Isn't it ironic how I try to build a future for the monsters, but I'm not even able to see myself living in a couple of years from now? 

But oh well, first I need to get out alive from this and then I can continue having a normal mid-life crisis. Not like I want to, but if life gives me lemons I should at least pour them in my eyes or something like that. Can't let lemons go to waste. 

...

What am I even saying right now?

Ugh, I really need to sleep. 

BANG!

Another fucking midnight attack on a grocery store just around the corner... I'm so tired of this edgy teen bullshit with a body count. 

I simply don't understand why the world has to be based on ideologies. Stereotypes are opinions, wars occur by a difference in opinions, social constructs are based on opinions- even though most of these examples rely on collective points of view, they are still that: opinions. The thing is that we get badly criticized by society since these opinions are supposed to be what we all like, but it really is just some general idea of how things should be. 

I understand that prejudices and stereotypes won't cease existing because we need a base on how to be (and even if we don't, they've been existing for ages, so it's almost impossible to get rid of them). These opinions are what we rely on as a community... and it kind of sucks, as nothing can be truly objective. 

...

I've said "opinions" too much it doesn't sound like a word anymore. 

I went to the main waiting area of the hospital, which is at the entrance of it. I've been there so much that I now know the receptionist well enough (her name is Rose and she is really nice). 

But since it was now 5 am, she wasn't there. Instead, there was this lady that never talks to anyone and deliriously checks her phone, so I awkwardly greeted her and took a seat. 

The sun was starting to rise, and so it indicated the beginning of another day... and sometimes I wonder if the world would even care if I am there, seeing the light of a new morning...

Maybe no one would. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Frisk's POV*

Fear. 

Fear is something that motivates us to do things that we don't want to- they don't have to be things seen as wrong by society, but usually, they are. 

We are afraid of people. 

We are afraid of thoughts. 

And even though some may say that I'm dead inside, I feel fear, too. 

Because I'm human. 

Because I feel. 

And right now, when I'm becoming more aware of my surroundings and of the multiverse, I realize I'm not above consequences. 

(Y/N) made me see that, even if she never meant to. 

I'm the anomaly of this world, the wrong sign of this equation, the unnecessary ingredient in this pie. 

I'm not the powerful one here- if I was, maybe I wouldn't have lost the ability to reset. 

But I have, and the only logical explanation is that someone else was meant to be the owner of the universe... 

...

Am I really the mistake here? 

I thought Sans's theories were wrong- every time we've fought, he told me that I was the error in the code affecting the system. 

I thought I was meant to be here...

But the papers, the experiments, EVERYTHING... everything tells me otherwise. 

...

Does (Y/N) have the power to reset? Is she the new "god"?

Or is no mortal meant to be a god? Was I a change in the system that now's been fixed?

Either way, I can't let myself disappear from here. Even though I may not be part of this world, I will be here until I find my real place. 

And people will have to deal with that. 

I'll blame Flowey, Sans, and even Chara. I'll do whatever it takes to get away from my mistakes until I can't anymore. 

I got out of the True Lab and started to head towards the exit of the Underground. Told Toriel I was doing some stuff regarding monster-kind in the city, but honestly... I couldn't care less about anyone. 

I once did, but now they're all just the same for me... except (Y/N), Flowey and Sans, of course. They're so different but probably still below me, so... I'm just interested in them. 

I don't care about any of their lives. 

I don't care about how they feel. 

I don't care if I've traumatized them, hurt them, lied to them...

I don't care if I've killed them. 

Because if I did, would I have done the horrible things I did? I don't think so. I'm the most powerful being in existence until someone else proves me wrong, and I'd like to believe that won't happen. 

And if it does, nobody needs to know that's the truth. I'll be the first and only one to know my real vulnerabilities, and Flowey and Sans will fear/respect me even though I lose all my abilities. 

I just need to be a step further from them, and everything will go the way I want. This pacifist timeline has gone worse than my genocide ones, and it kind of makes me mad I need to be the "good girl". It also infuriates me to think I'm not the one doing this- I'm not the main cause of this timeline's consequences. 

But I'll soon be, just you wait. 

I'm meant to be player one. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Undyne's POV*

Tic

Toc

Tic

Toc

The clock's been ticking for almost an eternity. It doesn't matter how late it is or how little Alphys has slept... I just can't help but worry every time she closes her eyes. 

It hurts me so bad to see how the situation is getting worse every day. I talked with (Y/N), and she is insanely good keeping her emotions away from work. She looks so focused on the things she does, but I know she feels bad to know she can't do much about... this. 

Sometimes, I'd like to fight all humans and risk my life to let monsters free at last... but who is going to be there once Alphys wakes up again? Who is going to hold her and tell her that everything will be fine, even though we both know it may not be true?

Who is going to kiss her in the morning and love her in these tough times? Who is going to adore her until the end of our days?

...

I need to be there for her, as much as I'd like to act. 

(Y/N) is trying really hard to give us the future we so desire, and so I will fight for my future, too. 

And my future is with Alphys. 

Always with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 💧︎♒︎♓︎⧫︎🕯︎⬧︎ ♋︎♌︎□︎◆︎⧫︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♑︎□︎ ♎︎□︎⬥︎■︎📬︎

**Author's Note:**

> Uploads are irregular, as I'm a student dealing with teenager life. If you want to support me, you can go ahead and check out my Tumblr, which is called "morethanithoughtofficialblog", and can also go to my Wattpad account, which has the same name as this one.


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